Heaven and Hell chapter one

The concept is cool. I'm not sure how original it is, however. I have read books with similar plots regarding a character who has died and is stuck in limbo (a place between heaven and hell). Of course, I do want to know how this girl died and got to where she is. I feel you haven't answered enough questions. Who is this girl? More of a description of her is in order. It would also be neat if you painted a word picture of this holy creature she encounters. It would be really cool if you described the creature as being somewhat frightening as appose to the cliche feathers and halo thing. Three glowing eyes? Gold hair? Wings on wings and horns on horns? Something inconceivable to someone still alive. Always make sure to capitalize personal pronouns such as I. Another thing you should do is make it clear who is saying what when using dialogue. Otherwise, the speech gets confusing. I also reccomend you give this hold creature a name.

Continue to develop this story, I'm curious to see what your head tv comes up with.

Well, isn't this something. Very good read, but I noticed in places where you used 'i' instead of 'I'. Also,
"I could throw you send you back" you need a comma between you and send. Those are the only mistakes I found. This was an overall good read and hope to read more. Very interesting concept.

EEEEEE YAY! Look who already got six reviews, jeez. I'm not going to write a review (sorry) because it seems that everything has already been covered, but yay!

Also I noticed the subtle SPN quote...

Okay hmm. You need a better hook. For the first paragraph, it is very repetitive and lacks feeling from each of the senses other than "touch." The male character seems to be childish when he is not meant to be. The main character chooses to be stubborn instead of curious in the beginning, however this choice does not make it to the end. When she asked what he meant when he said he saved her from damnation, i expected her to open her eyes. That would be a good time for the character to show just a little realization of what might've happened or the vulnerability of not knowing who she is or any information whatsoever. Then he could tell her about where she is. She also shows no confusion or need to understand the situation. His mind reading is also forceful and the chapter is clishe. Also, to make the chapter longer, describe what she sees. I suggest editing it. Despite these, i think its a good plotline so far. It's intriguing and I want to read more.

DUDE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!? I really liked this story. I enjoyed the vivid descriptions and the interesting concept. There was more than enough witty banter to go along with the more serious parts of the story. Some criticism: the line "I could throw you send you back" doesn't make sense, and at one point, you describe the voice as comparable to a baritone saxophone, but then again as a bass voice. Baritone and bass are not synonyms.

Hello, lovely Julia is here to review for uuuuuu. I thought this was great overall, but I have a few nitpicks:

GRAMMAR:
"bare body.There was also" You need a space between body and there.

"I felt weighted but it was not a harsh feeling." You should have a comma between weighted and but.

"Not Hell but Heaven's take on Hell." There should be a comma between Hell and but.

"The voice of a baritone saxophone playing an entrancing melody." This isn't a sentence.

"I wanted to know if he was the one that came to me before i fell into this dream." "i do wish you would stop wishing to meet him." "I did what i could." "But i didn't run or hide." and "I shut my eyes tighter in a defiant manner and i rose." all need i to be capitalized.

"" Oh yeah? And what would stop me?"" There shouldn't be a space between " and Oh.

That's all for grammar.

DICTION AND SUCH:
"It was a wonderful feeling, it felt like Heaven." I think you should take out the command make it two sentences, "It was a wonderful feeling. It felt like Heaven."

"I could throw you send you back." This doesn't really make sense. You could just try saying, "I could send you back."

"She wished he would yell." Wait, for this moment on, you call this character by either "she" or "her". Before, you called the character "I". I'm confused by that.

"(she was still unsure what it was)" Please either take off the parentheses or take this out. Parenthesis are, ugh. Too cutesy.

Aside from that, I really enjoyed this piece! I'm hooked, and I can't wait to read more. Good job!

Hey there, MonaLisa211214! GreenLight24 here with a review for you on this fabulous Saturday morning! Congrats on submitting your very first work!!! Before we kick off this review, let me take a minute to lay out some housekeeping details.

Just because I feel like the writers on this site are already pretty well-versed in these areas, I won't spend tons of time commenting on your spelling and/or grammar. Instead, I'll be focusing on the conceptual, narrative, and thematic elements of this chapter. First, I will commend you for a few things I though you did well in this one and then I will try to offer you some constructive criticisms later on in the review.

Let the games begin!

*clears throat*

The first thing that I'd like to point out about this work is the way you've developed your main character. It's only the first chapter and we don't even know their name yet, but we've already gotten a pretty good sense of their personality and their perception of the world around them. The most effective tool you have used to convey these things was your dialogue and I thought that it worked to perfection. Often, dialogue can make or break a novel because flat or unrealistic dialogue can make the characters seem one-dimensional and unrealistic. By making your dialogue interesting and dynamic, you've made your characters interesting and dynamic too. Just from reading the first chapter here, I could get a very good glimpse into the emotions (fear, anxiety, etc.) your main character was feeling as well as an insight into the character of the mysterious phantom. Good job there.

Another thing that I thought you did well here was employ interesting descriptions of the setting. After reading and rereading this one, I realized that you were going for ambiguity here. At first, I was left wanting a little bit more description and just more solid details to hang onto, but this being the very first chapter, I think ambiguity bodes well for you moving forward. You never want to give everything away, especially not too early. One of the things that any good first chapter does is to make the audience want to keep reading and get them interested in what will happen next. Here, you've managed to leave a few big questions in the reader's mind that will keep them interested and engaged throughout the rest of the novel. Now it's just a matter of playing the field with those and deciding when you wanna hit us with new important information and how much you want to hit us with. What direction you choose to take it in really doesn't mater as much as the fact that you've given yourself and wide array of options.

Now then, for the constructive criticisms.

The only thing that I would suggest to you as far as revamping any narrative elements would be that you go back and develop your main character's narrative voice even further. You've already given her a pretty solid one, but I think that as the novel progresses, you will find that the narrative voice will evolve along with the character.

Other than that, I would just suggest that you proofread. I literally say this in every single review that I write, just because I think it's very important. Try not to overthink it; I am not saying anyone should ever spend hours on end proofreading, but it's always worth your while to go back and take a second look at a work. Taking another look at a piece of writing is kind of like having another set of eyes on it and two heads (or in this case two looks lol) are always better than one. Something I think you could try while you proofread is reading it out loud very slowly. This will help you iron out anything you think comes across as a little bit awkward and will also help you to weed out any little mistakes that you might not have previously noticed.

I hope this review was helpful for you. I really enjoyed this chapter and I think you've got a very nice thing going here! Congratulations on submitting your first piece!!! I'd say it was a success.

I'm Avalon and I will be your reviewer for this work.

I will be honest here and sum this work up into two words, boring and generic. This does has potential, but this is so short and gives few details that we don't really know what's going on. We don't know who the two characters are aside from one being a man and the other being a woman. It's my main problem with this work, we simply don't know enough, maybe if you gave a name and maybe do a short prologue before this chapter it would help. If you elaborate on details it would be better.

Now the one good thing about the dialogue is that it's well written. I definitely get a sense of voice from both characters while reading this and it's definitely the positive aspect of this work. It's the words you use throughout this work that really make the dialogue.

"When the phantom voice spoke once again, it was quiet and menacing."

Quiet and menacing those are key words that help set the male characters voice and something you should stick with in future installments.

This has been Avalon with a quick review, update me when the next chapter is posted.

To start this review off, I want to say that this was an interesting and well-written chapter. The "mystery voice" was a unique character, and he kind of left me guessing. At first, I'd assumed he was an angel, but now I'm not so sure. I also liked the last sentence and how it ends in a cliffhanger, enticing the reader to continue reading and leaving them excited to see what happens next.

I didn't find too many typos or grammatical errors, but I did find a couple that I want to point out.

-It was a wonderful feeling, it felt like Heaven.

The comma in this sentence should be a semicolon because "It was a wonderful feeling" and "it felt like Heaven" are both independent clauses.

-I could throw you send you back.

I pretty sure this is just a typo, but you have two verbs right next to each other, so you either have to add "and" in between them or remove one of them.

Also, I noticed that in certain sentences you don't capitalize "I." Just be careful of that, as sometimes it can take away from the story.

Another thing to be careful of, is switching points of view. You originally start the story out in first person, but towards the end of the chapter, it changes to third person. Watch out for this because it often confuses readers.

Other than that, the story is off to a great start, and I'm excited to see what happens next. And I'm also very curious about the "mystery man" she speaks off. I don't really understand the role he plays in the story, but as he is a mystery, I'm assuming I'm not supposed to. Right? Keep up the good work and let me know when the next chapter is posted!

Happy writing,
~SilverArrow