The scream that had escaped my throat was caught up in a fast paced dance with the wind. As their dance carried on, the squirrels and birds struck up a dance macabre. The leaves ruffled a beat and feathers flapped.
As the sound of my scream died, I realized I was on the ground. A hot liquid poured from the side of my head. I looked down and the moss I was lying on was dyed deep red. Blood. It was pouring from my head like water from an upside-down glass. Then it stopped. Hallucinations. Oh my gosh, I was insane. I was hallucinating. Well then where am I? Heaven or Hell? I'm dead for sure. As this thought crossed my mind, pain struck my head with an amazing amount of force.
No! NO! You can't die. Come back to me! Please!
This voice. I knew who this was but at the same time...
"Aaaaarrgghhh!" I screamed as pain struck again.
Let her be. You aren't helping her. There is nothing more you can do. Just let her be.
This voice was high and feminine. I knew that I hated this girl. That was all I managed to figure out before I was dragged back into my past.
I can't leave her be. I love her.
You loved her. She isn't here anymore. (This girl was starting to get on my nerves.)
Her heart flutters under my touch. I cannot leave while she is still breathing.
*A breath tickled my jawline.* Then you will no longer breath. (Her voice was so quiet I was sure she made sure lover boy couldn't hear her when she said that)
"I think it is time to leave." My phantom was here. It was okay because I was with him. He was with me and I was safe.
"What the hell was that? Was that my past?" My voice was lost from the intense pain that struck as I tried to speak. Again, the pain pulled me down but I felt a hand anchoring me to the present.
"I will explain when you wake up." He sounded tired. I wondered if he was the one that would be sleeping. But the way the said "when you wake up" made me think I was the one would be sleeping.
"But ..." I tried to protest but he put a hand to my temple.
"Sleep."
I felt intense pain, like I was dying . My soul was being ripped from my body. Then I slipped into darkness.
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140,830 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
That was interesting. Very detailed and very in your face, so to speak. I must say that I thought it was very well done. Although, you are too quick to move from subject to subject. The overall feel is nice, though you should work a little on the transitions between one event to another.
ABBBBBBY! Julia here for a short review.
This was an awesome end to a really creepy and cool story! I have a few nitpicks:
"As their dance carried on, the squirrels and birds struck up a dance macabre." Macabre is an adjective and can't be used there.
"A hot liquid poured from the side of my head." Blood isn't hot.
"*A breath tickled my jawline.* Then you will no longer breath.." Two things: You should never use * if you're describing actions in a novel. And breath should be breathe.
""But ..." I tried to protest but he put a hand to my temple." You need a comma between protest and but.
Aside from that, I thought it was a great closing to the story. I love your diction and the way your story flows. You have a nice rhythm. Keep the great work up!
Great job!
DUDE
That was so good! Argh, just as it was getting so interesting! Such riddles! Such mystery! But of course you had to end it, to draw me in even more. There's nothing more I can say. So looking forward to the next chapter.
Pros
-Short, but sweet
-Very effective cliff hanger ending
-Very effective beginning.
-''As the sound of my scream died, I realized I was on the ground. A hot liquid poured from the side of my head. I looked down and the moss I was lying on was dyed deep red. Blood. It was pouring from my head like water from an upside-down glass. Then it stopped. Hallucinations. Oh my gosh, I was insane. I was hallucinating. Well then where am I? Heaven or Hell? I'm dead for sure. As this thought crossed my mind, pain struck my head with an amazing amount of force.'' <----- that entire paragraph
-Dat imagery
-Dat detail
-Dat descriptions
-Dat dis --> ''"I will explain when you wake up." He sounded tired. I wondered if he was the one that would be sleeping. But the way the said "when you wake up" made me think I was the one would be sleeping.''
Cons
-Typo: ''But the way the said "when you wake up" made me think I was the one would be sleeping.'' should be ''But the way he said "when you wake up" made me think I was the one who would be sleeping.''
-Very all over the place (no one focus of this update).
-''Then I slipped into darkness.'' should be ''Then, I slipped into darkness.''
cool thanks