Short and sweet I see. Wish I could dish out the poetry like this. I especially liked how you compared pretty boys to snipers, and how you wrote the word shatters. However, this poem seems somehow incomplete. Maybe you need to add another stanza or two. hope that helped.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,608 Literary Works • 673,549 Reviews
I just want to point out that this is really really old and really really sucky since it was written THREE YEARS AGO. So, if you want to critique it... don't waste your time. ^_^
hmm, i seem to recall a particularly nasty post you once gave me, Mr. Incandescence. still waiting for your ten page letter of apology...( deserve it for putting up with that.)
anyway...i certainly hope that you weren't feeling very poetic when you wrote this. there was very little flow and virtually no structure.
but i liked the topic and what you said about it. the comparisons and reflections on your own behavior were very nice.
guess i won't be sitting with you today.
This is just a monologue with line breaks.
I can see why you named it the way you did.
You didn't capitalize the 'I'
*has a fit*
ALWAYS CAPATILIZE YOUR 'I', IF YOU DON'T THEN IT'S WEIRD READING THE WORK
*faints*
Yeah, really great poem. Short but sweet. Not a lot of detail, but I loved the idea. Very good.
you really have to look for the co-relation between the first and second stanzas. Let it flow naturally, like Mesh says.
Maybe use words with the same 'feel' as the first stanza- pretty boys, manipulate, snipe, little girls, forgeries, lick mascara. Those words all had the same cold feel.
The first stanza had a creepy feel to it, but the second one was more introspective. Keep it creepy.
I also loved "lick mascara from their wounds"
shivers is right. last line is definately the best, creepy in a way.
This does seem weaker then the first stanza. Almost like you were trying to wrap up the poem quickly, not just letting it flow.
The last two lines of the first paragraph were strange but very well written. I liked this piece but I dont know why you named it what you did. It certainly seemed poetic to me...
pretty boys know
how to manipulate
the world
with their eyes
they can snipe out
little girls and
dance in prom forgeries and
lick mascara from their wounds.
Loved the first stanza looked like it was working up to a great poem
i can only use my words
to transform those around me
into what my mind wants them to be
and it is only a matter of time
before that shat|ters too.
Second stanza I just didn't like it dissapointed me it seemed as though you couldn't think of anything else to say so just ended it...
wu
I so agree with Skye and Misty.
If this is you at your worst, what are you like at your best? lol
I thought the first stanza was the best. It was really creative...and so true. I would have no idea how to come up with something like that!
Another poem from Brad the Great!
I like this a lot.
That line literally made me shiver.
I honestly don't have any constructive criticism, except, like Misty said, it does feel a tad incomplete. But otherwise it is a really good poem; you have a real talent for poetry and an eye for words.