for callie
*cute*
because you have spent the larger portion of your life
praying and scrambling
and because you have seen so many
smallchildrenrunningthroughyourmindfalling
you don’t know what to do
anymore
*all right, she sees small children falling...she prays...well written, flows nicely*
i keep sitting here
chewing my nails
not knowing what to do
and i know i love you
but i can’t say it
i can only sit here and
chew my nails and know that i love you
and feel like a fucktard ---RETARD? do you mean?
or i could
scream cry stare laugh hysterical laugh pout sulk deny deny it faint stamp slam hit wail walk run drive away
*A jumble of words put together unevenly. the profanity doesn’t help this at all*
words no longer mean
what you thought they did
or anything
at all
*why not?*
and you’re in your room
holding a knife to your throat ---OOOH??? nnnnoooooooo.....
because you are so lost and hurt and confused *???? wants to say something but can’t*
and you don’t know
what to do but
whine hate shout regress drink drugs walk weep run jump drive fire away. *again, a jumble of words*
apparently
i have broken your heart
over and over
and i wonder how many times
a heart can be broken
before it snaps in two
and collides with your innards
*This stanza is perfect. So much better than the others. I love it, and it’s just...beautiful. Don’t change it*
I guess we’ll find out.
Wow. Strong ending. The end is way better than the rest. Not your best, Brad.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
As much fun as reading that last line is....I'd split into two or three lines, it goes on too long and I read it ebfore I finished the stanza so it lost it's intended dramatical features.
I also think "chew my nails and know that i love you" should be split into two lines, after tha 'and'.
The fourth stanza fell into cliche and I really didn't see anything special in it. Same with the fifth. I found the last line weak and a little unpoetic.
Aside from the fact that I didn't completely understand it, I liked the way it was written...I, of course could never compose anything of such great calibur...my stuff always sucks next to yours.
The words flowed nicely most of the times, but sometimes they got a little jumbled and the swears don't really suit the poem.