Another Imagined Infidelity

It was good until the last two lines; okay, good until the last line, which is cheesy. A nice, short read. :)

Comments & reviews · 6
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judi_patootie
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I think you're ending just leaves the reader hanging. You should have a way to cut it off and let the reader know that it is over. Otherwise the rest was great.

au revoir!

~~*Judi Patootie*~~

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Chandni
Review
Chandni wrote a review · Wed Jan 03, 2007 8:27 pm

Hey Brad,

I found this a bit tweak to what I've read before, offcourse there is no need to compare, but I am used to seeing you write a little different. This poem is straight-forward to me, I connected to it immiediately didn't seem to have that with your other poems. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing, I find it neither just a difference :)

Sometimes I wake up
at three in the morning,
wounded: a temptress running
her fingers down my arm
at a dinner party, you in bed
with my best friend from childhood.
Every now and then, you hit

a new low. This time,
an exotic woman was lost
and called our number by mistake.
You guided her through
unfamiliar territory out of kindness,
your voice: a terrible calm.


Reading those two lines after each other, sounds kind of off. It would flow better if you'd had a 2 stanza's here ;)

All I have to say Brad, nice job :)

Cheerios, Chandni

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Chevy
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I found this to be romantic yet in a strange sense. It was unusual, I thought but I still understood it/enjoyed it. And it was refreshing.
I especially liked the second stanza. You're great at concluding.

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Cade
Review
Cade wrote a review · Tue Jan 02, 2007 8:37 pm

I thought of Chionophobia, too, but that's probably because I've just been reading it.
This poem didn't impress me as much as some of your others. It's well done and I don't really have much to critique but the subject and overall feeling. There wasn't anything in here that made me say, "Whoa! Yes!!" I couldn't really connect to it.
I'd like to see some more of your wonderful imagery in here.

Colleen :roll:

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Emerson
Review
Emerson wrote a review · Tue Jan 02, 2007 3:09 pm

I am actually fond of the last line; It's meaningful to the overall poem.

And I feel weird, because I thought of Chionophobia while reading it. Which is probably out of place...

I understood, and liked, this one more than I usually do your poems. They tend to go right up and over me, but this one I liked a whole lot, it was forward in the ideas it was trying to get out and I could find myself relating to it.

a temptress running
her fingers down my arm
at a dinner party


I liked this part the most.

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Swires
Comment

A nice poem, i arnt too sure of its meaning or purpose but I thought it was well constructed.

I liked the last line as much as the rest of the poem.



The first draft is a trip to the amusement park. The next drafts are returning there as a safety inspector.
— SunsetTree