It was a friday night
And I was lonely
And I was sad.
I was eating a delicious cake .
There's something lovely
In eating cakes lonely ,
You don't have to
Share your cakes.
And it must be lovely
As it was my birthday.
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I like this one. It shows something usually great, a delicious cake, but it becomes something heartbreaking. The speaker tries to help themselves feel better by saying they don't have to share with anyone when truly all they want is to share their cake with someone. The feeling of being sad but trying to help yourself feel better is really relatable and really hit home. I look forward to reading your future writings.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts
Simple yet beautiful. There is something that feels so profound about this, and personal. The feeling of loneliness is captured so painstakingly accurately, it hurts just to read. I really think that this shows a great amount of potiental and promise, and I look forward to seeing what else yoy have coming.
Thank you so much
Hello hello!
This is a very striking piece. Those last two lines really hit me - they feel so powerfully melancholy. I love how simple the language is, and how conversational the whole poem feels. It reminds me a bit of Philip Larkin, but even more understated!
I'd be interested to know why you put one stanza in bold and another in italics? I can think of a couple of possible reasons (to imply different speakers, or switch modes?) but I'm not sure it's adding much, if anything, at present. It mostly just makes me go 'wait, why is this here?'
This line feels a bit off to me - I think it's the use of 'delicious'. The rest of this poem uses intensely simple language, to real benefit, and 'delicious' is at once a bit flowery and a bit vague. It also takes the line up to 9 syllables, when every other line in the poem is less than 6. Personally, I think this is not worth breaking the pattern for. Maybe something like 'I was eating a cake / it tasted sweet'?
You've got two stray spaces here!
Traditionally, you would capitalise Friday! You could leave it lowercase for stylistic reasons, but it feels a little haphazard if you're also capitalising the 'I's.
Just wanted to say again how much I love these two lines! They are really sticking in my memory. Beautifully done. There's that one Chen Chen tweet that says 'at its best, every line of a poem is actually the simplest way you could say something - it's just that the something is complicated & strange & alive' and this really put me in mind of that. There's a very complex feeling living and breathing in that very simple phrase!
Thank you for understanding me 😭
I want a poem full of metaphors of how it feels when those you know forget your birthday (just meaning that you drift away as you grow older perhaps? Disagreements with parents beginning to make you the black sheep?)
IDEAS!! I can be your idea man
Its a very cool idea and you can go in so many directions with it!
Thank you so much