Bursts of loud.
Some long, some short.
Murmured responses.
Some heard, some not.
Like sharp spears,
they impale my ears.
Piercing my heart with fear
with every second that draws near.
Hide under the bed.
Hide under the blanket.
Resistance is futile;
you cannot ignore it.
It is now low tide.
The waves stopped crashing.
The spears stopped slashing,
but they left scars everlasting.
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Ohhai again, Mirasol.
That's my advice.
I like this. Powerful, beautiful, lovely ending, by the way. Although, I feel like you're rushing it in the other stanzas. Like you write really fast and straight to the point and you don't let the poem be. XD Lol. Make us, your readers feel like at home... like take your time when you write.
You certainly have the talent. Keep it up! ^_^
~Solly<3
Mirasol,
Nice poem! I thought the rhyming scheme could be great at times, and you perfectly described a thunderstorm in my view. However, in every stanza, I found the last line forced and disruptive of the flow. For example:
I think you ruined your rhyming scheme with this line. 'Short' and 'not' aren't really words that rhyme at all, and it sort of kills the mood of the poem. I had exactly the same feeling two the fourth stanza, and felt that 'blanket' and 'ignore it' again caused a disruption in the flow.
I'm terribly sorry if the things I have described and the slightly mismatched line at the end of each stanza was intended to make a disconnected connotation, if so, ignore everything I just said.
I'm confused by your closing stanza as well. I'm not sure what you meant by low tide, and I'm unsure of it's relevance to the rest of the poem. The last line of the poem and that stanza is certainly effective, I just don't see it's relevance to the poem or indeed it's relevance to that stanza.
A few grammatical errors as well, try to start every line with a capital I'm pretty sure.
Otherwise, I like the message of the poem, and the rhythm. Good job!
Angus
Hola
I love poetry and I love thunderstorms, so this was a catch!
I thought it was decent but definitely needs some work. The first thing I noticed was that the rhyme pattern was not consistent, or really even detectable though I did notice a few rhymes. Poems don't always have to have consistent rhymes (such as ABAB then ABAB again. It can go ABAB then BBAA then back to ABAB... does that make sense?) but they do need consistent rhythm and flow, both of which I thought this poem lacked.
This stanza seemed the roughest to me; while the other stanzas use descrition and analogy, this one seemed to pop out of nowhere and seemed rushed, as though you needed more than four stanzas and just sort of made this one on the spot. The transition between this stanza and the stanza directly after seemed off.
This was my favorite stanza. I thought you had a good (but still slightly bumpy on the flow) start. I thought this stanza created some good general imagery.
I'm sorry if this review seemed a little harsh and/or broad. You had a beautiful and general topic of which you could have taken a million different ways; however, the execution was iffy. Don't get me wrong, every poem is a work in progress. It sounded a little rushed. Hopefully I managed to help a bit. It's difficult trying to tell someone how to correct flow and rhyme; I would have felt like I was rewriting it for you if I had.
Good job, and keep it up. =)