It was years ago when I noticed something about this little boy (he is one of our neighbor's sons and his name is Wilson, though most of us just call him Willy) who lost his grandfather. This was an unfortunate turn of events for a young soul like him; Grandpa was his best friend, as a man who understands him more than most. It wasn't a very good timing as well, because most of the children he befriended moved out of town: the mother of one made a decision to move in with her new husband in Michigan, another transferred to another school in a different state, then there's this kid who had to live with her sickly grandmother to care for her. Seems unfair for the lad, but the reasons are understandable.
This left him feel lonely for quite a while as he refused to play with the other kids and sat alone for most of the time. His brother, Oliver, would come to talk to him and asked,
"Willy, why are you sad? It's about grandpa isn't it?"
He just nodded to answer.
"I know you love grandpa and you don't want him to be gone. We both wish that he is still here, but as mom said, we won't live forever"
Those words were rather upsetting than comforting, but he had a point. Whether we like it or not, we will be gone someday and we should live life while we're still alive.
So what is this thing that I noticed? I went with my husband on the 16th of September in 1991 and rode a small boat with him; he was fishing. Wilson was sitting on the port, apparently seemed like he's talking to someone, when no one was there. He stopped crying and smiled; his cheerfulness returned.
Seems strange, but when he stood up to leave he was happier than ever. Whatever happened there it seems that someone or something comforted him. All I can say is thank God.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well...this was...interesting...but a bit rough at the edges, it needs a bit of work before this can truly be as good as it can be, and it also reads more like a prologue to a story rather than the first chapter. At any rate, more details down below.
Anyway let's get right to it,
I
OKay....right off the bat, this sounds like it could be an intriguing beginning but...I'm forced to do something I don't do often and say that this sentence structure here needs a little bit of work. Its gotten to point where the mistakes are genuinely interfering with my ability to read and understand this story, which is basically when I point these things out...xD...but yeah you might wanna really take a second look at that paragraph to make sure everything is in order.
The thoughts here are also a little bit all over the place. I feel like you really need to try and ground things a little bit more cause you seem to be mentioning a bit too much for just the first paragraph. It seems to be talking about a series of unfortunate events for Willy here, but for it to really strike home, I would suggest spreading things out a bit more.
Hmm, well this part here reads a little bit more like a prologue or perhaps a synopsis rather than the first chapter...I wonder if this is going to continue throughout the story cause that might be an issue.
Well, at any rate this part reads a little better and that looks like a pretty good big brother there, he seems to know what to do to try and comfort someone.
Okay....well...here we come to the point that really dragged me into reviewing this. This little detail here seems like it could be the start of something really intriguing especially it terms of how he just randomly seems to be talking to himself....but...again...this is starting to sound more like a prologue to this story than something that is the actual first chapter.
Okay...decent ending on the narrator's part although this sounds kind of final, it doesn't seem to really promise a second chapter to be arriving any time soon. I would expect and ending that makes you think there's more to know whereas this one doesn't quite manage that.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this seems like it could make for a really interesting story, once its been ironed out a little bit more here. It certainly needs a second look here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
This is a very interesting concept. The point of view feels a bit awkward at times, but having a narrator who is not the protagonist is a good choice. My main complaint with it is that at times it feels very removed from the situation, and at other times very casual. It would probably be best to consistently use one tone or the other. It is also a rather short chapter, and feels as though it needs more to fully encapsulate the situation. I'm very interested to see how it progresses.
Ok, thanks for the review. I don't exactly know much as to how to keep it on topic and at the same time become descriptive.
Hi, MicrohieraxFT! Mage here to review this awesome story!
First off: It was very well written. Even though I know what it's about because of the description you provided, I didn't find myself bored. The character you're telling the story through tells it in a captivating way. I'm interested in seeing what happens next, so please tell me when you post your next chapter.
Now onto some really nitpicky things.
You do this several times throughout the story. Here you probably meant to add "his" before "grandpa". In that case, the "g" in "grandpa" being lowercase is fine. However, when referring to Willy's grandpa as Grandpa, the "g" needs to be capitalized. The same can be said for Willy's grandpa.
You either want to put "Thank God" in quotation marks like I did, or remove the comma, and make "thank" lowercased.
The final thing I noticed is that you occasionally switch tenses. From the first sentence, I thought it would be in past tense, but several times you write it as if it's in present tense. It is a lot easier to read when you stick to one tense.
I really loved reading this, so I'd be happy to review the next chapter! Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! Have a great day/night!
Thanks for the tips. It's some real and useful feedback; I'll note of them.
The dialog is in present tense for the purpose of exactly quoting the speaker, but I did see the ones you pointed out, now that you mentioned it. I'm always concerned of my grammar so it's nice for you to correct me.
I guess the description did have spoilers; so I'll try working on that.
I've always found the description to be hard. Not only does it have a limit on how many characters, but it's also hard to decide what to put.
You're welcome, and I'm glad I could help!
I know right? XD It's just that sometimes the description can get off topic too.
NP
As for the submissions, I don't really have specific schedules, I'd only submit them when I feel like it's the best revision (so that reviewing them won't be a pain) and whenI get enough points of course.