A Criminal's Heart- Chapter 2

Hey Shubi,

Okay, this review won't be for the weak of heart so brace yourself.

I like your storyline, that I do. You have quite the interesting concept, here. That being said; Shubi, this really needs work.

I think the comment on his beautiful wife should stay - but it needs work. True, it's done often but it's always when 'a shaft of sunlight pierces the blinds and strikes her blonde hair, casting her head in a halo'. Meh! Badly done, but you get my gist? He goes to Eureka! To: she's hot! When you're on a writing spree and you suddenly scream out eureka, would you giggle in delight and explain yourself or suddenly go oh! my loved one is beautiful?
Personally, I'd be dancing around the room dancing stupidly. Unless, a shaft of . . .

So, without giving any other thought to this, I have selected her for the role of Fiona Ridgewood. At first, my idea was to take some fresh face who had polished acting skills and who could deliver my message to the masses. But now I think I should go with some established actress. And who better than Amanda Bailey.

Hey again, shubhi. : ) You know the drill: Lots of reviews, I dunno if I can say anything new or helpful, I’m going to try anyway.

Huh, new characters! Well, Josh is only kind of new, but you know what I mean. XD I really liked his bit in this chapter, it helps flesh out a bit of his character, someone who we previously only saw sort of in the background of one chapter. It also helps show that not everyone who is connected with/admires Amanda is an evil person, which I think is more realistic than having her surrounded by soulless, shallow shells (yay alliteration!) just like her. He seems like a nice person, even if he does work too much, and I liked his interaction with his wife and child—you can tell that they have a closeness between them, even though he isn’t very attentive to them, which I think adds a bit of likability to his character. But I also like the signs of his flaws—the aforementioned inattentiveness and the fact that he’s pretty condescending towards the housekeeper.

I like Chloe a lot, too—she’s pretty interesting, and I think her attitude is realistic for someone who is young and inexperienced in a challenging field; it’s not surprising that she’d be getting a bit tired of everything and that she’s so easily frustrated by the quirks of her superiors. I liked some of her little scenes here—the one where she just stops everything to go fix her makeup was pretty telling about her character (a little vain, perhaps?). She seems like a pretty sympathetic character; one who tries her best but has her flaws that kind of get in the way.

The storylines definitely seem to be coming together. Josh may still be blissfully oblivious, but Chloe’s story adds more interest and conflict to the story, now that we have an antagonist to Olivia. Looks like things are going to start getting more complicated for her very soon—the dominoes aren’t too far away, and I’m fascinated by what’s going to happen when they start to fall.

Just a couple things to check out:

Yes the critiques seem to enjoy the film

”Stop bemoaning, Officer Chloe.

It means, LOS ANGELES POLICE DEPARTMENT.

I think this is better than the previous chapters, but there is still much work to be done.

I'd say that's mainly on the characters. There are a Lot of characters in the story so far, especially considering this is only chapter two. If a particular character isn't important or recurring, it's probably best to, instead of giving them a name, give them an interesting trait to bring them to life a bit. They all need their own unique personalities and I'm kind of seeing the same traits reflected in each one.

It would probably give this piece a huge boost if you change the style of writing for each person, which would really give them their own voices and bring them to life.

Switching viewpoints is a difficult skill to master. If you imagine it on a points scale, you've got to keep dragging your reader inside the story. Each time you change tone, -1 point. Change scene, -10 points. Change viewpoint, -90 points. A huge tip is to remember that your reader will feel what your characters feel. If Josh is tired, your reader will empathise, so to give your reader something nice, Chloe should wake up feeling more refreshed than usual. It will help things slot together much easier.

with excitement, waking up my wife, Dora.

Isn’t that great?” I replied.

“Of course it is, but that doesn’t mean you have to wake up the whole neighbourhood (sounds dramatic and sarcastic-just like a woman who is cranky from waking up ^^) with your shouting.” She was clearly tired of my work habits.

Some say I am a workaholic, and others say I am stupid, but I like to call myself a visionary. Don’t think I am exaggerating or praising myself, but I am different from those other directors who make films just for the fame and money. Directing films is my passion, and I let no one come between my goals and me. Not even God. (M.C Hammer: Stop- comma time! Seriously, I can tell when you write that you’re bursting to get out every little detail and this is ok, but you always miss your commas! Slow down, sister!)

“Maybe but I am not sure. She might be coming here after you…,” Err… majorly awkward. Try rewording it too: “I wouldn’t be too sure. She might come in here after all that noise you...”

“It sure will. If this film succeeds at box office, then your film will also be a hit. If this film fails to appease the audience then Amanda’s market value and face value will also drop. You also need the success of this film,” (Would a real housemaid say that to a famous director? I think not. Maybe she would say this instead: “I hope so, too. If the film succeeds at the box office, then so should yours. Am I right, Mr. Burton?)

I have finally finished reading the script. When I couldn’t bear to stay awake anymore and my eyes refused to keep themselves open, I dropped the pen and went to bed. I had a busy day ahead. Reading the script to Amanda, then a meeting with Mr. Frank Tyler and a dinner with my friend, Skeeter Jones. This all was going to be my routine tomorrow. A busy day ahead. (Ack- line repetition! Big no-no!) I should be crowned ‘Busy Bee’ crown this year. [b](Err- no, this does not make sense. Try “ I deserved to be crowned “Busy Bee Of The Year” ”

I knew the day I had joined the force that this work is demanding but this is tougher than I thought. (The wording in this line is terrible. Rephrase to: “I knew the day I joined the force that the work was going to be demanding. But I can’t help thinking sometimes that it’s tougher than I had ever expected.”)

He can be pretty jolly sometimes. (It took me awhile to see that you were trying to be sarcastic here. Just lose it altogether.)

with excitement, waking up my wife, Dora.

Isn’t that great?” I replied.

“Of course it is, but that doesn’t mean you have to wake up the whole neighbourhood (sounds dramatic and sarcastic-just like a woman who is cranky from waking up ^^) with your shouting.” She was clearly tired of my work habits.

Some say I am a workaholic, and others say I am stupid, but I like to call myself a visionary. Don’t think I am exaggerating or praising myself, but I am different from those other directors who make films just for the fame and money. Directing films is my passion, and I let no one come between my goals and me. Not even God. (M.C Hammer: Stop- comma time! Seriously, I can tell when you write that you’re bursting to get out every little detail and this is ok, but you always miss your commas! Slow down, sister!)

“Maybe but I am not sure. She might be coming here after you…,” Err… majorly awkward. Try rewording it too: “I wouldn’t be too sure. She might come in here after all that noise you...”

“It sure will. If this film succeeds at box office, then your film will also be a hit. If this film fails to appease the audience then Amanda’s market value and face value will also drop. You also need the success of this film,” [b] (Would a real housemaid say that to a famous director? I think not. Maybe she would say this instead: “I hope so, too. If the film succeeds at the box office, then so should yours. Am I right, Mr. Burton?)

I have finally finished reading the script. When I couldn’t bear to stay awake anymore and my eyes refused to keep themselves open, I dropped the pen and went to bed. I had a busy day ahead. Reading the script to Amanda, then a meeting with Mr. Frank Tyler and a dinner with my friend, Skeeter Jones. This all was going to be my routine tomorrow. A busy day ahead. (Ack- line repetition! Big no-no!) I should be crowned ‘Busy Bee’ crown this year. (Err- no, this does not make sense. Try “ I deserved to be crowned “Busy Bee Of The Year” ”

I knew the day I had joined the force that this work is demanding but this is tougher than I thought. (The wording in this line is terrible. Rephrase to: “I knew the day I joined the force that the work was going to be demanding. But I can’t help thinking sometimes that it’s tougher than I had ever expected.”)

He can be pretty jolly sometimes. (It took me awhile to see that you were trying to be sarcastic here. Just lose it altogether.)

with excitement, waking up my wife, Dora.

Isn’t that great?” I replied.

“Of course it is, but that doesn’t mean you have to wake up the whole neighbourhood (sounds dramatic and sarcastic-just like a woman who is cranky from waking up ^^) with your shouting.” She was clearly tired of my work habits.

Some say I am a workaholic, and others say I am stupid, but I like to call myself a visionary. Don’t think I am exaggerating or praising myself, but I am different from those other directors who make films just for the fame and money. Directing films is my passion, and I let no one come between my goals and me. Not even God. (M.C Hammer: Stop- comma time! Seriously, I can tell when you write that you’re bursting to get out every little detail and this is ok, but you always miss your commas! Slow down, sister!)

“Maybe but I am not sure. She might be coming here after you…,” Err… majorly awkward. Try rewording it too: “I wouldn’t be too sure. She might come in here after all that noise you...”

“It sure will. If this film succeeds at box office, then your film will also be a hit. If this film fails to appease the audience then Amanda’s market value and face value will also drop. You also need the success of this film,” [b] (Would a real housemaid say that to a famous director? I think not. Maybe she would say this instead: “I hope so, too. If the film succeeds at the box office, then so should yours. Am I right, Mr. Burton?)

I have finally finished reading the script. When I couldn’t bear to stay awake anymore and my eyes refused to keep themselves open, I dropped the pen and went to bed. I had a busy day ahead. Reading the script to Amanda, then a meeting with Mr. Frank Tyler and a dinner with my friend, Skeeter Jones. This all was going to be my routine tomorrow. A busy day ahead. (Ack- line repetition! Big no-no!) I should be crowned ‘Busy Bee’ crown this year. [b](Err- no, this does not make sense. Try “ I deserved to be crowned “Busy Bee Of The Year” ”

I knew the day I had joined the force that this work is demanding but this is tougher than I thought. (The wording in this line is terrible. Rephrase to: “I knew the day I joined the force that the work was going to be demanding. But I can’t help thinking sometimes that it’s tougher than I had ever expected.”)

He can be pretty jolly sometimes. (It took me awhile to see that you were trying to be sarcastic here. Just lose it altogether.)

HEy there, here on request.

I'm to do things a little differently here.

“Eureka! I have found it at last,” I roared with excitement#FF0000 ">, waking up my wife, Dora.
"What is it honey?" she asked.
I swivelled my chair around to face her.#FF0000 "> She looked beautiful at any time of the day. (I would delete this) She winced and smiled.
“Is everything okay, Josh? Why are you shouting?” she again asked.
I grinned sheepishly just like a child.
“I have finally found the climax of my next film. Isn’t it great?” I replied.
“Of course it is but does that mean you have to wake up everyone with your shouting#FF0000 ">?” She was tired of my work habits.
Some say I am a workaholic#FF0000 ">, and others say I am stupid#FF0000 ">, but I like to call myself a visionary. Don’t think I am exaggerating or praising myself but I am different from those other directors who make films just for the fame and money. Directing films is my passion and I let no one come between my goals and me#FF0000 ">, Not even God.
“Sorry hon! But I think Becky is still sleeping,” I remarked.
“Maybe#FF0000 ">, but I am not sure. She might be coming here after you…” she didn’t get a chance to complete her statement#FF0000 ">. The door swung open and in came our four year old daughter#FF0000 ">, smiling but a little confused.
“Why was daddy shouting? Is there a fire? Or is there an earthquake?” Becky started examining the room. I couldn’t help but smile at her innocence. I don't know #FF0000 ">from (I would delete it) where children learn these eerie things. How innocent she looked!
“No, dear. There was no fire. Dad just completed his work and was excited,” her mom elucidated.
“Whoopee!” my little angel cheered for me. She started clapping and her cheeks turned scarlet red.
“Yes, dear. Now let’s take you to your room,” Dora took her in her arms and led her out of the room.
I took a deep breath and started reading my script again. I knew Amanda would never refuse to work in this film because I had done a lot for her. I was the one who gave Amanda her first break.

I started rechecking my script for any visible errors. The audience is stupid. They like to see expensive costumes, #FF0000 ">and fancy places#FF0000 ">, but somewhere they forget the essence of real cinema#FF0000 ">; acting and direction. It is a director who can pull out a real actor from someone's within.
It is always better to check for the mistakes yourself and not let anyone correct you later. This has been the quote of my life ever since I can remember. This is the best script I have ever written and I am going to cast someone good in this. Amanda Bailey is not the finest actress we have but she has got some talent. Her fan ratings are unbelievable and only she can sell my film. So, without giving any other thought to this, I have selected her for the role of Fiona Ridgewood. At first, my idea was to take some fresh face who had polished acting skills and who could deliver my message to the masses. But now I think I should go with some established actress. And who better than Amanda Bailey.

The housemaid Nancy #FF0000 ">entered the room with hot coffee.
“Sir, why don’t you go off to sleep? It’s middle of the day,’ she said.
“No Nancy, I have some work which needs to be completed today. Tomorrow I have to go to Amanda with the manuscript of the film,” I replied back.
“Amanda Bailey?” she screeched with excitement.
“Yes Nancy. The Amanda Bailey,” I said.
“Wow! She will be your next lead actress? That’s amazing. I forgot to ask, how did the premier go."
‘Nice one. The producer had spent lot of money on the publicity and party. The guy would be ruined if this film doesn’t work on the screens.”
“But I heard good comments about the film,” she mildly protested.
“Yes the critiques seem to enjoy the film but everything depends on the audience#FF0000 ">, who can be quite unpredictable. I hope everything turns out to be good,” I said.
“It sure will. If this film succeeds at box office, then your film will also be a hit. If this film fails to appease the audience then Amanda’s market value and face value will also drop. You also need the success of this film,” Nancy commented as she tapped her fingers on the #FF0000 "> tray she had brought.
“Impressive. You have learnt quite a lot about this world,” I said.
She shied away out of the room.


2:13 AM
I finally finished reading the script. When I couldn’t bear anymore and my eyes refused to keep themselves open, I finally dropped the pen and went to bed. I had a busy day ahead. Reading the script to Amanda, then a meeting with Mr. Frank Tyler and a dinner with my friend, Skeeter Jones. This all was going to be my routine tomorrow. A busy day ahead. I should be crowned ‘Busy Bee’ crown this year.


Chloe Russo
11:16 AM
25th June

I knew the day I had joined the force that this work is demanding#FF0000 ">, but this is tougher than I thought. I haven’t taken a good sleep for two days now. My eyelids felt heavy#FF0000 ">, and I couldn't control myself, so I dozed off for #FF0000 ">some (the wording here is weird) minutes #FF0000 ">until Chief Sean woke me up.

“Wake up! It’s no time to sleep! We have some important work here #FF0000 ">that can’t be ignored.” #FF0000 ">he bellowed like usual. No one likes him as a boss but no one can do anything about it. He is#FF0000 ">, after all#FF0000 ">, the best at his job. No one can beat him to that. He has got talent for this. He knows how to convince a criminal to blurt out the truth. Hats off to him!

“Sorry Chief! I am not feeling well,” I said#FF0000 ">, adjusting myself up. He only smirked to my reply.

”Stop bemoaning, Officer Chloe. You should have known that a police officer’s life is not a cakewalk. Get me the Lanter case file,” he ordered. I got up from my chair #FF0000 ">, and rushed to the inner cube where all files are kept.
As I headed for the place, I kept on thinking about the case. Three months and no one caught. This is bringing shame to #FF0000 "> LAPD. In case you are unaware of the term LAPD, let me tell you. It means, LOS ANGELES POLICE DEPARTMENT. (I’m pretty sure most people can tell what the LAPD is. Consider revisment)
Yes, I am a police officer and an assistant to Chief Sean Kerr. He is not a bad person but is a workaholic. He never wishes to go back home and expects the same from us. He can be pretty jolly sometimes.

“Mike, Chief wants the Lanter case file,” I told him as I reached inside the #FF0000 "> cabin. He was responsible for keeping the track of all LAPD documents from a file to a bill.
The room was a mess, I swear. Piles and piles of files #FF0000 ">covered the wall#FF0000 ">, leaving little space for the windows to be left open. Mike’s desk was the only neat thing here with minimal number of objects on it and the dust cleaned regularly.
“Ah! Finally he has remembered the file. It should be here somewhere. I kept it in the cupboard after he refused to carry the case forward,” he bluntly replied. He started savaging for the file but in vain. He started looking in the cupboard and then the carton boxes. No success!
“But he needs it now.#FF0000 ">” I became tensed. He would eat me up!" #FF0000 ">”No problem. I will come after ten minutes so you have ten minutes to find it,” I said.
He nodded in agreement and I left the room#FF0000 ">, lighting up my cigarette #FF0000 "> as I went. I took a deep breath and looked at my wrist watch. 11:16 AM. Goddamn it!
I entered the washroom to check on my make up. #FF0000 ">The washroom was empty, as it should be. After all, no lady works here #FF0000 ">during the night except for me. But I am on a senior post too#FF0000 ">; Assistant Chief.
My face was fine#FF0000 ">, considering the late hours. The lipstick hadn’t smudged and I #FF0000 ">still had my mascara on. I didn't wear much makeup; it didn’t suit my post #FF0000 ">, but a little was my fundamental right as a female. Still I wanted to put more makeup tonight; I just felt like doing it. I washed my face and reapplied the mascara and lipstick.
Now I was looking fine! I came out of the washroom and headed towards my desk where Chief would be waiting for me.
“Where’s the file, Officer Chloe?” he said as soon I entered the cubicle.
“Umm….Mike can’t find it but he is looking for it. I will go back to him after ten minutes,” I replied. He took a deep sigh and opened some other file.
“I don’t know why #FF0000 ">my force has been filled with lazy people,” he remarked. I was burning hot with anger. Why did he always want insane people on his force? He didn’t think anyone to be fit for his team. Everyone was useless for him!
He smirked and started playing with a coloured cube when the phone started ringing. He picked it up.
#FF0000 "> “Yes, speaking………tell me your name……What?” (something is wrong about this, but I’m not quite sure how to fix it. I know it’s just wrong.) he said and dropped down the phone. I watched him with horror. #FF0000 "> I had this feeling of one more tough case coming our way. (this sentence is weird)
“What happened, Chief?” I asked.
By then, others had also assembled. Every person wanted to know the problem. After all if it was a tough case#FF0000 ">, then they #FF0000 ">would have to work all night.
“Amanda Bailey has been killed,” he replied#FF0000 ">, giving many of the Amanda’s fans present there a shock.
"What?" was all I could manage.

The one problem you have is sentence structure. There were some lines in desperate need of commas, but didn't get any. You need to have those to keep sentences from turning into run-ons. Punctuation is very important, and can make or break the writing. It's almost as important as spelling. Aside from that there were a few weird sentences in there, and I think I pointed all of them out. Just read through it so you can see what I mean.

As for the chapter itself, this wasn't as exciting as the previous two. I'm not too sure about the first half from the directors perspective, as some parts of it seemed unimportant and unnecessary. Of course, these could all be instances of chekov's gun, and I cannot judge whether they are or not since I haven't read the rest of the story. The second half was also exciting, but this chapter is very, very important. This is the chapter where Olivia's adversary is introduced. As such, I cannot say anything about the excitement level in this one.

Still a good read. Can't wait to see what happens.

Thanks for saying yes to my silly question.

Hey, once again

(CHAPTER-2)
JOSH BURTON

26th June, 2009
12:57 AM

“Eureka! I have found it at last,” I roared with excitement waking up my wife, Dora.
"What is it honey?" she asked.
I swivelled my chair around to face her. She looked beautiful at any time of the day. She winced and smiled.
“Is everything okay, Josh? Why are you shouting?” she again asked.
I grinned sheepishly just like a child.
“I have finally found the climax of my next film. Isn’t it great?” I replied.
“Of course it is but does that mean you have to wake up everyone with your shouting.” She was tired of my work habits.
Some say I am a workaholic and others say I am stupid#FF0000 ">, but I like to call myself a visionary. Don’t think I am exaggerating or praising myself but I am different from those other directors who make films just for the fame and money. Directing films is my passion and I let no one come between my goals and me. Not even God.
“Sorry hon! But I think Becky is still sleeping,” I remarked.
“Maybe but I am not sure. She might be coming here after you…,” she didn’t get a chance to complete her statement as the door swung open and in came our four year old daughter smiling but a little confused.
“Why was daddy shouting? Is there a fire? Or is there an earthquake?” Becky started examining the room. I couldn’t help but smile at her innocence. I don't know #FF0000 ">from where #FF0000 ">do children learn these eerie things. How innocent she looked!
“No, dear. There was no fire. Dad just completed his work and was excited,” her mom elucidated.
“Whoopee!” my little angel cheered for me. She started clapping and her cheeks turned scarlet red.
“Yes, dear. Now let’s take you to your room,” Dora took her in her arms and led her out of the room.
I took a deep breath and started reading my script again. I knew Amanda would never refuse to work in this film because I had done a lot for her. I was the one who gave Amanda her first break.

I started rechecking my script for any visible errors. The audience is stupid. They like to see expensive costumes, fancy places but somewhere they forget the essence of real cinema. Acting and direction. It is a director who can pull out a real actor from someone's within.
It is always better to check for the mistakes yourself and not let anyone correct you later. This has been the quote of my life ever since I can remember. This is the best script I have ever written and I am going to cast someone good in this. Amanda Bailey is not the finest actress we have but she has got some talent. Her fan ratings are unbelievable and only she can sell my film. So, without giving any other thought to this, I have selected her for the role of Fiona Ridgewood. At first, my idea was to take some fresh face who had polished acting skills and who could deliver my message to the masses. But now I think I should go with some established actress. And who better than Amanda Bailey.

The housemaid Nancy came inside the room with hot coffee.
“Sir, why don’t you go off to sleep? It’s almost the next day,’ she said.
“No Nancy, I have some work which needs to be completed today. Tomorrow I have to go to Amanda with the manuscript of the film,” I replied back.
“Amanda Bailey?” she screeched with excitement.
“Yes Nancy. The Amanda Bailey,” I said.
“Wow! She will be your next lead actress? That’s amazing. I forgot to ask, how did the premier go."
#FF0000 ">"Nice one. The producer had spent lot of money on the publicity and party. The guy would be ruined if this film doesn’t work on the screens.”
“But I heard good comments about the film,” she mildly protested.
“Yes the critiques seem to enjoy the film but everything depends on the audience who can be quite unpredictable. I hope everything turns out to be good,” I said.
“It sure will. If this film succeeds at box office, then your film will also be a hit. If this film fails to appease the audience then Amanda’s market value and face value will also drop. You also need the success of this film,” Nancy commented as she tapped her fingers on the tray which she had brought.
“Impressive. You have learnt quite a lot about this world,” I said.
She shied away out of the room.


2:13 AM
I finally finished reading the script. When I couldn’t bear anymore and my eyes refused to keep themselves open, I finally dropped the pen and went to bed. I had a busy day ahead. Reading the script to Amanda, then a meeting with Mr. Frank Tyler and a dinner with my friend, Skeeter Jones. This all was going to be my routine tomorrow. A busy day ahead. I should be crowned ‘Busy Bee’ crown this year.


Chloe Russo
11:16 AM
25th June

I knew the day I had joined the force that this work is demanding but this is tougher than I thought. I haven’t taken a good sleep for two days now. My eyelids felt heavy and I couldn't control myself so I dozed off for some minutes when Chief Sean woke me up.

“Wake up! It’s no time to sleep! We have some important work here which can’t be ignored.” He bellowed like usual. No one likes him as a boss but no one can do anything about it. He is after all the best at his job. No one can beat him to that. He has got talent for this. He knows how to convince a criminal to blurt out the truth. Hats off to him!

“Sorry Chief! I am not feeling well,” I said adjusting myself up. He only smirked to my reply.

”Stop bemoaning, Officer Chloe. You should have known that a police officer’s life is not a cakewalk. Get me the Lanter case file,” he ordered. I got up from my chair and rushed to the inner cube where all files are kept.
As I headed for the place, I kept on thinking about the case. Three months and no one caught. This is bringing shame to LAPD. In case you are unaware of the term LAPD, let me tell you. It means, LOS ANGELES POLICE DEPARTMENT.
Yes, I am a police officer and an assistant to Chief Sean Kerr. He is not a bad person but is a workaholic. He never wishes to go back home and expects the same from us. He can be pretty jolly sometimes.

“Mike, Chief wants the Lanter case file,” I told him as I reached inside the cabin.He was responsible for keeping the track of all LAPD documents from a file to a bill.
The room was a mess, I swear. Piles and piles of files covering the wall leaving little space for the windows to be left open. Mike’s desk was the only neat thing here with minimal number of objects on it and the dust cleaned regularly.
“Ah! Finally he has remembered the file. It should be here somewhere. I kept it in the cupboard after he refused to carry the case forward,” he bluntly replied. He started savaging for the file but in vain. He started looking in the cupboard and then the carton boxes. No success!
“But he needs it now."I became tensed. He would eat me up!" No problem. I will come after ten minutes so you have ten minutes to find it,” I said.
He nodded in agreement and I left the room lighting up my cigarette. I took a deep breath and looked at my wrist watch. 11:16 AM. Goddamn it!
I entered the washroom to check on my make up. The washroom was empty. It should be. After all, no lady works here for the night except for me. But I am on a senior post too. Assistant Chief.
My face was fine considering the late hours. The lipstick hadn’t smudged and I #FF0000 ">was still having #FF0000 ">(still had) my mascara on. I didn’t #FF0000 ">do #FF0000 ">(wear) much makeup; it didn’t suit my post but a little was my right as a female. I washed my face and reapplied the mascara and lipstick.
Now I was looking fine! I came out of the washroom and headed towards my desk where Chief would be waiting for me.
“Where’s the file, Officer Chloe?” he said.
“Umm…..Mike can’t find it but he is looking for it. I will go back to him after ten minutes,” I replied.
“I don’t know but why has my force been filled with lazy people,” he remarked. I was burning hot with anger. Why did he always want insane people on his force? He didn’t think anyone to be fit for his team.#FF0000 ">Space hereEveryone was useless for him!
He smirked and started playing with a coloured cube when the phone started ringing. He picked it up.
“Yes, speaking………tell me your name……What?” he said and dropped down the phone. I watched him with horror. I had this feeling that one more tough case was coming our way.
“What happened, Chief?” I asked.
By then, others had also assembled. Every person wanted to know the problem. After all if it was a tough case then they had to work all night.
“Amanda Bailey has been killed,” he replied giving many of the Amanda’s fans present there a shock.
"What?" was all I could manage.

WAS IT ANY GOOD? #0000FF ">YES!

Hello Shubi!

Ok so I'll get straight down with some nit-picks and specific comments and then I'll move onto more general stuff.

“Whoopee!” my little angel cheered for me. She started clapping and her cheeks turned scarlet red.

“Sir, why don’t you go off to sleep? It’s almost the next day,’ she said.

My face was fine considering the late hours. The lipstick hadn’t smudged and I was still having my mascara on. I didn’t do much makeup; it didn’t suit my post but a little was my right as a female. I washed my face and reapplied the mascara and lipstick.

Now I was looking fine! I came out of the washroom and headed towards my desk where Chief would be waiting for me.

“Yes, speaking………tell me your name……What?” he said and dropped down the phone. I watched him with horror. I had this feeling that one more tough case was coming our way.

Thanks Lava for coming up to review this piece. I have edited it.

I wrote:Why did he always want insane people on his force?
Lava wrote:He wants insane people? I'm not sure I get you.

I wrote:She looked beautiful at any time of the day
Lava wrote:I agree with Esme. What's it doing here?

Hey again Shubhi!

Well, first thing, the length is pretty good. Not too long to disappoint a reviewer. Let me get right down to it.

"What is it honey?" she asked.

She looked beautiful at any time of the day

“Of course it is, but does that mean you have to wake up everyone fromwith your shouting?”

How innocent she looked!

My housemaid Nancy came inside the room with hot coffee.

Sir, I forgot to ask how the premiere was.”

I should be crowned ‘Busy Bee’ crown this year.

“But he needs it now."I became tensed.

Goddamn it!

Till then, others had also assembled.

Why did he always want insane people on his force?

Thank you curiousvampire.

Well, I didn't spot any errors in this piece, so I guess Meep, Isha and Esme already covered them. I loved all your chapters so far, there all interesting and PM me when you add future works.

I have completed the corrections and editing part...

Thank you. I will work on the points you all have mentioned.

Hi,

l'll be ignoring grammar and the such as Meep seems to have that covered - no use repeating what others have said and said well.

quote:
She looked beautiful at any time of the day.
I'd delete this altogether. What's it doing here? So what? Is the MC sidetracked by her beauty from his "Eureka"? No.

Right, so, Dora's been sleeping and is suddenly woken. The only thing that might, at a stretch, show for it is her wince. And she could have winced at a sudden shout under any normal circumstance, no?

Show us that she's been sleeping. Would she wake up immediately and immediately be alert? After being woken up so suddenly, what would she look like? I expect something more than being told that she's beautiful under any circumstance. Keep that sentence, perhaps, but use it to paint a picture of now


quote:
She was tired of my work habits.
Spoken with so much absolute certainty which I absolutely hated. Show us, perhaps, how she looks so that the reader gets this impression, of her being tired of his work habits. Don't just state it and make us take it for granted.

Oh. And if I had a husband, and if he knew I was "tired of his working habits", and if he said it so dismissively and then turned to other topics so abruptly, I'd be a hair width away from being "tired" with him altogether.

And they seem like such a nice couple, you know? Even if the testament to their love, his beauty comment, could have found its niche elsewhere.

quote:
I couldn’t help but smile at her innocence. How innocent she looked!
Eh.

Huh. I've never been into a movie director's head, but would he really consider acting being the "essence of real cinema"? Not only a means to bring out whatever (but of course through the best possible means?). Again, I don't know - but even from an ignorant's perspective that struck me as odd.


quote:
f this film fails to appease the audience then Amanda’s market value and face value will also drop.
So says the maid bringing coffee after she screeches when she finds out that Amanda will be playing in the film. To me, this seemed out of character - more something that his colleague would say.

quote:
You have learnt quite a lot about this world,” I said.
Arrogant jerk. And these two quotes pretty much sum up my character impressions.

quote:
. After all, no lady works here for the night except for me. But I am on a senior post too. Assistant Chief.
Loved this part.

quote:
“Yes, speaking………tell me your name……What?”
Eeek. Three dots max, one min, nothing in between.

quote:
Till then, others had also assembled. Every person wanted to know the problem. After all if it was a tough case then they had to work all night.
Hmm. I'd delete this altogether. Everyone assembles at one spot? Perhaps like have someone standing there and hearing the news, and passing it on, and this person tells the other one, and suddenly bam, everyone knows and rushes to place nr 1.


Was fun,
Esme

shubhiloves2write wrote:
“Of course yes. But does that mean you have to shout waking up everyone.” She was tired of my work habits.

shubhiloves2write wrote: “No, dear. There was no fire. Dad just completed his work and was excited,” her mom elucidated.

shubhiloves2write wrote: I sighed and started reading my script again. I knew Amanda would never refuse to work in this film because I had done a lot for her. I gave her first ever break.

shubhiloves2write wrote: “Sorry Chief! I am not feeling well,” I said while sitting on my desk at LAPD station. he only smirks to my reply.

shubhiloves2write wrote: “But he needs it now."I become tensed. He would eat me up!" No problem. I will come after ten minutes so you have ten minutes to find it,” I said.

shubhiloves2write wrote: My face was fine considering the late hours. My lipstick hadn’t smudged and I was still having my mascara. I didn’t do much makeup; it didn’t suit my post but a little was my right as a female. I washed my face and reapplied the mascara and lipstick.

shubhiloves2write wrote: “Umm…..Mike can’t find it but he is looking for it. I will go back to him after ten minutes,” I replied.

Hi again Shubhi!
I'll get straight to the nit-picking, kay?

shubhiloves2write wrote:(CHAPTER-2)
JOSH BURTON

26th June, 2009
12:57 AM

“Eureka! I have found it at last,” I roared with excitement waking up my wife, Dora. I rolled (suggestion: I swivelled my chair around to face her) my chair to take a look at her.

“Of course yes (yes is redundant). But does that mean you have to shout waking up everyone. (Awkward-sounding. Suggestion: Of course, but does that mean you have to wake everyone up with your shouting?)” She was tired of my work habits.

(Erm, are you telling readers not to think that, or that Josh doesn't think of himself like that? If it's the latter, I'd suggesting putting "I" in front of "don't".)Don’t think I am exaggerating or praising myself but I am different from those other directors who make films just for the fame and money. Directing films is my passion and I let no one come between my goals and me. Not even god. (Capitalise "God". And, I should like to think that most film directors are passionate about their work, otherwise it would be difficult for them to get hired if they're so lacklustre. Also, remember that you can make use of your italics to distinguish thoughts from actual happennings.)

“Sorry (comma) hon! But I think Becky is still sleeping,” I remarked.
“Maybe yes or maybe no. (Awkward. Suggestion: Maybe, maybe not.) She might be coming here after you…..,” (If she's being cut off, then I'd suggest: "She might be coming [the here is sort of redundant] after you-". Remember not to go overboard with those ...s! Oh, and the comma should come after the closed inverted commas) she didn’t get a chance to complete her statement as the door swung open and in came our four year old (four-year-old; four years old) daughter smiling (comma) but a little confused.

“Why was daddy shouting? Is there a fire?” Becky started examining the room for some soot (If there IS a fire, she would not be looking for soot. And she's also making the unlikely assumption that the fire has already been put out). I couldn’t help but smile at her innocence. How innocent she looked! (Repetitive sentence)

“No, dear. There was no fire. Dad (Daddy sounds more like what a four-year-old would call her dad ) just completed his work and was excited,” her mom (I would suggest using Dora, rather than 'her mom'. It makes Josh seem unrelated them if he won't even use his wife's name) elucidated.

(What's with the sigh if he's so happy about completing his script. You'll have to make that clear for us.) I sighed and started reading my script again. I knew Amanda would never refuse to work in this film because I had done a lot for her. I gave her first ever break. (Suggestion: I was the one who gave Amanda her first break. Either that, or 'gave her her first break', which may get a tad confusing.)

I start rechecking my script for any visible errors. Audience is stupid (I understand that speech may go this way sometimes, but I would suggest you stick to "The audience is stupid", because it can be misconstrued). They like to see expensive costumes, fancy places but somewhere (in between) they forget the essence of real cinema (suggestion: cinematic brilliance). Acting. It is always better to check for the mistakes yourself and not let anyone correct you later. This has been the quote of my life ever since I can remember. This is the best script I have ever written and I am going to cast the best in this. Amanda Bailey is not the finest actress but her fan ratings are unbelievable and only she can sell my film. So, without giving any other thought to this, I have selected her for the role of Fiona Ridgewood. At first, my idea was to take some fresh face who had polished acting skills and who could deliver my message to the masses. But now I think I should go with some established actress. And who better than Amanda Bailey.
(His thoughts are jumping around too much and sound unnatural, and you've over-generalised cinema audiences. If acting is the essence of a good movie, he would be contradicting himself by not hiring the most skilled of actresses to feature in his film. And if he has confidence in his script, he wouldn't be too focused on grabbing a popular actress in order to be able to sell his film well.)

My housemaid Nancy comes inside the room with hot coffee. (Good descriptions are ones that show and not tell readers, so perhaps you can work on that sentence.)“Sir, why don’t you go off ('off' is not needed. It implies heading somewhere but he's already in his bedroom, it seems.) to sleep? It’s almost the next day,’ she says.. (extra punctuation)

“Yes (comma) Nancy. The (would suggest that you italicise "The" to be clear that he is emphasising) Amanda Bailey,” I said.
She shied away out of the room.
(Interesting reaction to her employer's comments. Also, the "away" is redundant.)