Young Writers Society

Hi, shubhi! Wow, that’s a lot of reviews you’ve got here already—I can’t promise that I’ll be able to say anything that you haven’t heard before, here, but I’ll try my best to be helpful anyway ^^;;.

Wow, this was a pretty intense start to a story, and I’m definitely curious to read the next chapter, from Olivia’s perspective, to find out more about her and her motivations. This chapter, from Amanda’s perspective, gave us her perspective on the events, but considering that she didn’t even notice she was treating Olivia as a maid, her version is definitely not the whole story. I’m super excited to her about the developments from Olivia’s perspective, and I’m also super curious as to where this story is going to go next—I really like the premise in your synopsis, as to how one murder just leads to another and another—the whole dominoes-like scenario sounds like a great premise for a thriller, and I haven’t seen many stories like this told from the perspective of the “villain” (or the killer, at least). It should be interesting to see how Olivia’s actions lead her deeper into this world of death and killing.

Amanda’s narration was pretty good in this chapter as well—I felt like I could connect to her feelings of fear and her confusion—they both felt very real. I think her mention of being baffled at the fact that Olivia would want to kill her, and her determination at the beginning that this must be some sort of joke, helped to make her much more sympathetic, as well. They showed that she honestly can’t believe that Olivia wants to hurt her, which reinforces the idea that she didn’t cause Olivia suffering intentionally, and never even knew that she was hurting. I think this makes her character a lot more believable, and makes me root for her, if even a little. I only knew her for a couple paragraphs, but I was still thinking it would be bad news if Olivia were to kill her—both because I felt Amanda’s fear and I knew how much it would mess up Olivia’s life. That’s a great feeling to evoke in the reader when they’re starting out, that feeling of dread and suspense, and it’s one of the main reasons I love this chapter.

Just a couple of quick things I’d look at if I were you:

I had once read that you shouldn’t challenge or engage yourself in a fight with any mentally insane criminal or a gonna be.

Though I was dead, a new Olivia had born, the one with a deadly mission- To destroy everything which reminded the world of me. This was just going to be the beginning of her crime life, full of guilt and insanity.

That's a lot of reviews you have already... But, as requested;

As a prologue, I'd say this isn't really suitable, to be honest. A prologue needs to give your reader a taste of the rest of the novel, without providing too much depth. Here you have a girl who is seriously mentally disturbed, and a person who seems to be famous and have a big lifestyle, put together in a scene that would require an entire story to explain.

It's an average situation that people can quite easily imagine if they wanted to, so you've got to add an extra flare. Also, the main character is about to die, but put bluntly, your reader doesn't know them yet, and therefore has little reason to care. You need to draw your reader in a lot more before throwing a scene like this at them.

Hello there, Shubhi!

Here as requested. I might give a small nitpick 'cause I've seen a lot of reviews which pretty covered up all those mistakes.[/quote]

“I should have tied your mouth too. You shout a lot. Just like some B-grade actress. That’s what you are. You are not an A-grade one. People think you are, however you can't fool me. I taught you acting. I got you work here. Remember?#FF0000 ">,” she shouted at top of her lungs.

"How can I reverse back the time. #FF0000 ">It's next to impossible #0000FF ">need continuation here
I heard a crackle and saw Olivia pointing the gun at my head.She pressed the trigger#FF0000 ">.... .

alright, please don't take this personally, but it seems that many times when someone tries to point out helpful improvements to you, you have an excuse. I know this sounds really... witchy but instead of explaining it in your posted replies to readers's comments, wouldn't it be easier to simply explain it better in the prologue? I know you say you will explain it all later, but there is a difference between a mysterious-thought-provoking prologue and a confusing-thought-provoking prologue.
Try this:
Don't put so much detail into why Olivia is killing the narrator. It gets repetitive. Focus more on emotions and feelings like Amanda's fear and how hateful Olivia looks.
Also, you have a nice idea with the way one murder turns into a lot of murders, but the motive for killing Amanda is weak. If you want people to take the murder a little more... seriously I guess, you are going to need to make a more convincing motive or you will need to establish just how crazy this Olivia girl is.
And I will resonate [spelling?] with other authors: the dialogue was worded confusingly. I had trouble following what you were talking about. Try going through this again and just reading the dialogue out loud to yourself. Most people, in conversation, don't use phrases like "I resent my life." I say this because it seemed like you were trying to write in everyday speech which can be good, but then you would try to add in bigger words and, don't take this personally, you often used the big words awkwardly. It made me think that you weren't just being yourself when you wrote, like you were trying to impress teachers with your high vocabulary. I think that if you embraced the everyday language thing you have going on, things would go smoother and the quality of your work would be generally better. Again, please don't be offendeded.

"How can I reverse back the time. It's next to impossible.
I heard a crackle and saw Olivia pointing the gun at my head. She pressed the trigger.... . The pain in my heart was unbearable before but was nothing in front of the mental pain she had given me

I had created with my sheer hardwork and talent. I was leaving everything behind me. No one was going to be the witness of all this except for the non-living things which stood in my house's alleyway.

I pleaded.

Olivia replied. She spun the barrel...

Here is my review for
A Criminal's Heart-Prologue


"But I still couldn't believe that she was going to do that. Kill me. "
#FF0000 ">This would sound better as
"I couldn't believe that she was going to do this. That she was going to kill me."
#FF0000 ">Also, when she is thinking, it should be in italics. It's much easier to read, especially aloud, when thoughts and narrative are clearly seperated.

"My heart was beating frantically. But it didn't need to worry. All it's future pains were going to be stopped by Olivia."
#FF0000 ">I would write this as
"My heart was beating frantically, but it didn't need to worry: all it's pains would soon be stopped by Olivia."
Still, it's a clever piece of humor

"Her heart shaped face didn't look dangerous even now but I knew she was."
#FF0000 ">I would write this as
"Even now, she didn't look dangerous; but I knew she was."
Describe her later on. You switched from talking about Olivia's face to Olivia herself, which is not correct.
TYPO:"You have ruined my life. Why life is so easy for you?..."
#FF0000 ">Should be "Why IS life so easy for you, etc..."

#FF0000 ">Also, instead of putting, 'she spat at me' at the end of her speech, #FF0000 ">put it like this
"You have ruined my life," she spat at me. "Why is life so easy for you?..."

"Maid? You aren't my maid but my manager," I cleared up the blame on me.
#FF0000 ">This sounds awkward. It should be
"Maid? You aren't my maid, but my manager," I said, trying to clear myself of blame.

"How does it matter? Only the name is different but I am a maid. You treat me like one," she couldn't stop her rows of accusations.
#FF0000 ">In a sentence when someone is talking, you should always put 'she said' or 'said Olivia', like this
"...You treat me like one," said Olivia.
She couldn't stop her rows of accusations.
'This could mean only one thing; she was determined of killing me.'
#FF0000 ">Should be
'she was determined to kill me.'

'But who is at home around 10 at Beverly Hills.'
#FF0000 ">Should be
'But at ten o'clock in Beverly Hills, who is home?'

“I should have made myself clear before,” she silently whispered.
#FF0000 ">Silently means without any noise, so our narrator could not have heard her. It should just be
'she whispered' or 'she said quietly'

“I should have tied your mouth too. You shout a lot. Just like some B-grade actress. That’s what you are. You are not an A-grade one. People think you are, however you can't fool me. I taught you acting. I got you work here. Remember?,” she shouted at top of her lungs.'
#FF0000 ">Unless you put that she is shouting earlier in this sentence, we are going to read it as though she is still talking quietly. Put it as
"I should have tied your mouth, too. You shout a lot."
She began to raise her voice.
"Just like some B-grade actress. That's just what you are. You're not an A-grade one, even though people think you are!" her raised tones became a shout. "I got you work here! Remember!"
"Okay then I want the role of Casey from Midnight Theft. The role which eventually was mine but went to you. The one which made you what you are,” she transported me to those pleasant memories.
#FF0000 ">I would say
"Okay, then," she said. "I want the role of Casey from Midnight Theft. The role which had been mine, but eventually went to you. The one which made you what you are."
Her words transported me back to those pleasant times.

'I began thinking how accidentally the role had come to me.'
#FF0000 ">I would write it like this
'I began thinking how the role had, as it seemed, come to me by accident.'

'I floated above her, above my body leaving behind my paradise,the one I had created with my sheer hardwork and talent.'
#FF0000 ">Should be
'I floated above Olivia and my own body, leaving behind the paradise I had created for myself by sheer hard work and talent.'


'I could now agree with the creator of proverb.'

#FF0000 ">This should be'I could now agree with whoever had said this.'
OR
'I could now agree with the speaker of this proverb.'

'I had spent my whole life earning all this power and success but it took a second for Olivia to separate me from it.'
#FF0000 ">That's a very insightful sentence.

#0000BF ">Over all, I would have to say that this isn't the most original story I've read, but it's pretty well written. I'll probably be back to review the next chapter some time later. Have a good day =D

Hello Shubi!

I enjoyed this prologue, it made me want to read the rest of the book which is really great
There were a couple of things that I noticed. To make this easier for you to spot, I will highlight your work in bold and I will write my comments next to it in red.

shubhiloves2write wrote:PROLOGUE
AMANDA:
10:25 PM
25th June
“Please tell me you're joking,” I pleaded. Olivia’s eyes were full of insanity and hatred. She wasn't going to spare me. What in the world had gotten into her?
“Why would I joke about such a serious matter? Trust me,” Olivia replied. She spun the barrel of her Korth revolver, sending a rising #FF0000 "> This is a great word but it doesn't work just here. lurch of fear into my gut.
But I still couldn't believe that she was going to do that. Kill me.
She won’t kill me, I consoled myself. My heart was beating frantically. But it didn't need to worry. All it's future pains were going to be stopped by Olivia.
“Why are you doing this to me?” I asked. Her heart shaped face didn’t look dangerous#FF0000 ">, even now#FF0000 ">, but I knew she was.
“You have ruined my life. Why life is so easy for you? You got everything you wanted while I was left to become your maid. I resent my life,” she spat at me. This accusation hurt me like a splinter from a bomb blast. It did hurt at first, but I knew that she was not in her senses. I had never thought that my best friend envied me. I had never done any bad to her so why was she trying to kill me? Just for some silly reason?
"Maid? You aren't my maid but my manager," I cleared up the blame on me.
"How does it matter? Only the name is different but I am a maid. You treat me like one," she couldn't stop her rows of accusations.
Her fingers weren't quivering and no smile lit up her face. This could mean only one thing; she was determined of killing me.#FF0000 "> This sounds awkward, maybe you could try something like: she was determined to kill me. She had never stretched a joke or prank of hers for this long before. She was dead serious about this.
“I don't understand. How have I ruined your life?” I barked in rage, not even wanting to hear the answers, just stalling for time. I tried to free myself from the rope she had tied around my hands, which I was sure must have left a red mark on my wrists, but in vain.
“You stole my peace. Every night I go to bed wondering about how much God intends to give you. #FF0000 ">Anexpensive wardrobe, holidays at exotic places and five star treatment, all of this just drives me crazy. I am jealous of you. Did you hear me? I am jealous! I envy you!” she dropped the revolver and closed her ears with her hands screaming like a maniac which indeed she had become. It was unbelievable that a person on a mission would drop the gun so easily. Maybe, she was insane. I made a mental note of taking her to a psychiatrist if I survived this confrontation.
I looked down to see the Korth revolver close to me. While she is screaming and howling I should pick it up, I thought to myself.
I took a deep breath before taking the revolver. Olivia was still standing there unaware of my plan. I bent down slowly and tried to bring the revolver closer to me by dragging it with my feet when pain abruptly struck me. Olivia had stomped her sandal on my foot. I screeched in pain, praying that my neighbors would somehow hear me. But who is at home around 10 at Beverly Hills.#FF0000 ">Question mark Most of them are busy partying in a club or in five star hotels and no one is going to come before next day#FF0000 "> next day sounds awkward, maybe try something like tommorow, I thought. I looked up to see Olivia for the first time greeting me with a smile but a demented one.
“I should have made myself clear before,” she silently whispered.
I raised my one eyebrow. I couldn't understand her. It seemed like she was a new Olivia, the one I had never come across with, the one who was going to destroy me forever.
“I should have tied your mouth too. You shout a lot. Just like some B-grade actress. That’s what you are. You are not an A-grade one. People think you are, however you can't fool me. I taught you acting. I got you work here. Remember?,” she shouted at top of her lungs.
I couldn't believe she just had just said that.
“What do you want? Money? Fame?” I asked her politely. I had once read that you shouldn’t challenge or engage yourself in a fight with any mentally insane criminal or a gonna be.
“No. I just want your end,” she laughed hysterically . I could see my death near me,#FF0000 ">Again this doesn't really sound right. Perhaps you could say I could see that my end was near.
“Please don’t do this.”
"Okay then I want the role of Casey from Midnight Theft. The role which eventually was mine but went to you.#FF0000 ">I think you mean the role that was supposed to be myn but went to you The one which made you what you are,” she transported me to those pleasant memories. I began thinking how accidentally the role had come to me.
"What are you saying? That's impossible," I said.
"Are you sure?"
"How can I reverse back the #FF0000 ">Delete the time. It's next to impossible#FF0000 ">.
I heard a crackle and saw Olivia pointing the gun at my head.She pressed the trigger.... . The pain in my heart was unbearable before but was nothing in front of the mental pain she had given me. I felt something stuck in my throat which was making breathing even more tough for me. My vision started blackening and I could just see a faint smile lit up my killer's face. #FF0000 ">You changed tenses here halfway through a sentence. You need to change lit to light I was there on the chair, tied up, fighting for a life. The next thing I knew I was dead.I floated above her, above my body leaving behind my paradise,the one I had created with my sheer hardwork and talent. I was leaving everything behind me. No one was going to be the witness of all this except for the non-living things which stood in my house's alleyway.
Then I remembered one old Indian proverb, “We come in the world empty-handied and go back without anything. Then why does man crave fame and power?" I could now agree with the creator of proverb. I had spent my whole life earning all this power and success but it took a second for Olivia to separate me from it.
Though I was dead, a new Olivia had born, the one with a deadly mission- To destroy everything which reminded the world of me #FF0000 ">This sounds awkward, to destroy everything that reminded her of my world. This was just going to be the beginning of her crime life, #FF0000 ">life of crime full of guilt and insanity.

I was going to review this, and went "Wait, no". There's already been too many reviews, and I agree with what everyone's said anyway. I think I might move on to the next chapter. 0_o

Hi there, Shubi-chan! I can call you Shubi-chan, can't I? (puppy eyes) Winter here, at your service.

First off...

This could really use some spacing. I got dizzy just by looking at the length and the closeness of the lines, so, if you will, the 'Enter' key looks like a very welcoming prospect for you to press on, now.

So, onto the rest of the piece. Comments in blue, nitpicks in red, what I liked in green.

AMANDA:
10:25 PM
25th June

“Please tell me you're joking,” I pleaded. Olivia’s eyes were full of #FF0000 ">insanity #0000BF ">The word feels kind of awkward. and hatred. She wasn't going to spare me. What in the world had gotten into her?

“Why would I joke about such a serious matter? Trust me,” Olivia replied. She #FF0000 ">twisted her Korth revolver which scared me more. #FF0000 ">But I still couldn't believe that she was going to do that. Kill me.

#0000BF ">I don't know if revolvers could twist, but I'm sure their barrels can. So, try:

She spun the barrel of her Korth revolver, sending a rising lurch of fear into my gut.

The following sentences are stiff and flat. Try:

I couldn't believe that she was actually going to kill me.

#FF0000 ">She won’t kill me, I mumbled to myself. #0000BF ">Mumbled? No. Thought to himself? Yes. My heart was beating frantically. #FF0000 ">But it didn't need to worry. All it's future pains were going to be stopped by Olivia. #0000BF ">Again, awkward and stiff. Flex and revise, make it sound more natural, as if you yourself were thinking this while you're at death's door.

“Why are you doing this to me?” I asked. Her #FF0000 ">heart-shaped face didn’t look dangerous even now but I knew she was. #0000BF ">Tame, perhaps? 'Heart-shaped' really puts me off. The sentence is also very awkward. Like I've said, try to flex it a little, so it'll come off more naturally.

“#FF0000 ">You have ruined my life. Why life is so easy for you? You got everything you wanted while I was left to become your maid. I resent my life,” #0000BF ">Dear little darling girl, I think you are diagnosed with a severe case of EECE, the 'Emo Emo Cliche Emo' disease. Please. Do you talk like that in real life? Is that what you would say if faced with the same dreadful situation? I know this may sound harsh, but it's a good and helpful piece of advice for every writer out there: GET. REAL. she spat at me. #FF0000 ">This accusation hurt me like a splinter from a bomb blast. #0000BF ">Forced simile. Find something more natural. You may think I'm being a bit too repetitive about this 'natural' thing, but this is the problem that I see here. You lack the essence of reality in this piece, which is, in my opinion, a crying shame. This piece has promise in it, if only polished in the right way. It did hurt at first#FF0000 ">, but I knew that she was not in her #FF0000 ">right sense. #FF0000 ">I had never thought that my best friend envied me. I had never done any bad to her so why was she trying to kill me? Just for some silly reason? #0000BF ">Again, cliche. Also, seeing that this is a conversational piece, you can use contractions (I'd, You've, You're, and such), because this does not necessarily need to be formal. Being too formal actually puts the reader off in some way.
#FF0000 ">"Maid? You aren't my maid but my manager," I cleared up the blame on me. #0000BF ">Stiff. I won't say it again.
"#FF0000 ">Why does it matter? #FF0000 ">Only the name is different but I am a maid. You treat me like one," #0000BF ">But what's in a name? That which we call a rose; by any other name would smell as sweet. But it's not working for me. Try replacing 'name' with 'title'. #FF0000 ">she couldn't stop her rows of accusations. #0000BF ">Try, 'she couldn't seem to stop with all of her accusations towards me'.
Her fingers weren't quivering and no smile lit up her face. This could mean only one thing; she was determined #FF0000 ">to kill me. #00BF00 ">She had never stretched a joke or prank of hers for this long before. She was dead serious about this. #0000BF ">Bravo.
#FF0000 ">“I don't understand. How have I ruined your life?” #0000BF ">You are seriously starting to sound like one of those cheesy drama soaps I see on TV every frickin night of my miserable little life, which is a bad thing... for you. #00BF00 ">I barked in rage, not even wanting to hear the answers, just stalling for time. I tried to free myself from the rope she had tied around my hands, which I was sure must have left a red mark on my wrists, but in vain.
“#FF0000 ">You stole my peace. Every night I go to bed wondering about how much God intends to give you. Expensive wardrobe, holidays at exotic places and five star treatment, all of this just drives me crazy. I am jealous of you. Did you hear me? I am jealous! I envy you!” #0000BF ">ULUL. What a pathetic excuse to kill someone. she dropped the revolver and #FF0000 ">clamped her hands over her ears, screaming like a maniac, which indeed she had become. #FF0000 ">It was unbelievable that a person on a mission would drop the gun so easily. #0000BF ">A person on a mission? Cheesy. Maybe she was insane. I made a mental note of taking her to a psychiatrist#FF0000 ">, if ever I survived this confrontation.
I looked down to see the Korth revolver close #FF0000 ">by me. #FF0000 ">While she is screaming and howling I should pick it up, I thought to myself. #0000BF ">Try, 'I should take it while she's still distraught, I thought to myself'. Screaming and howling is so (here I go again) awkward and it sounds so emo.
#FF0000 ">I took a deep breath before taking the revolver. Taking is becoming repetitive. #0000BF ">Try, 'I took a deep breath, cautiously wrapping my trembling fingers around the revolver'. Different notion, same effect, better flow, less cliche. Olivia was still standing there#FF0000 ">, unaware of my plan. #FF0000 ">I bent down slowly and tried to bring the revolver closer to me by dragging it with my feet when pain abruptly struck me. #0000BF ">I thought he already took it? Olivia had stomped her sandal on my foot. I #FF0000 ">screeched #0000BF ">'Yelp', perhaps? in pain, praying that my neighbors would somehow hear me. But who is at home around #FF0000 ">10 #0000BF ">No numbers. Makes you less professional and makes the piece informal. Never use digits. Use only words, unless required to do otherwise. When dealing with the exact time, or if portraying visual images of numbers, you can use digits. at Beverly Hills#FF0000 ">? Most of them are #FF0000 ">probably busy partying in a club or in five star hotels and no one is going to come #FF0000 ">home before next day, I thought. #FF0000 ">I looked up to see Olivia for the first time, greeting me with a smile but a demented one. #0000BF ">Try, 'I looked up to Olivia as if seeing her for the first time, and she greeted me with a demented smile'.
“I should have made myself clear before,” she #FF0000 ">silently whispered. #0000BF ">A whisper IS silent. Have you ever heard of such a thing as a loud whisper before, hmm?
#FF0000 ">I raised my one eyebrow. #0000BF ">ZOMG HE HAS ONLY ONE EYEBROW? Try, 'I quirked an eyebrow at her'. I couldn't understand her. It seemed like she was a new Olivia, #FF0000 ">one that I had never come across with, one who was going to #FF0000 ">destroy me forever. #0000BF ">CLIIICHE.
“#FF0000 ">I should have tied your mouth too. #0000BF ">Try, 'I should've taped over/muffled your mouth, too', although if you decide to use muffled, remove the 'your mouth' bit. You shout a lot, #FF0000 ">just like some B-grade actress. #0000BF ">I don't get this. That’s what you are. You are not an A-grade one. People think you are, #FF0000 ">however #0000BF ">LOL do people really use that word in conversational English? you can't fool me. #FF0000 ">I taught you acting. #0000BF ">...Maybe you mean, 'I taught you how to act'. I got you work #FF0000 ">here, remember?” #FF0000 ">she shouted at top of her lungs. #0000BF ">Shoutshoutshout. Can't they do anything but shout?
I couldn't believe she #FF0000 ">just had just said that. #0000BF ">Remove the highlighted parts.
“What do you want? Money? Fame?” #FF0000 ">I asked her politely. #0000BF ">How can you be so polite when your life is being threatened? I had once read that you shouldn’t challenge or engage yourself in a fight with any mentally insane criminal, #FF0000 ">or one that was on their way to being one.
“No. #FF0000 ">I just want your end,” #0000BF ">Epic, but not good. she laughed hysterically. #FF0000 ">I could see my death near me. #0000BF ">Try, 'I could see my death nearing close to me'.
“Please don’t do this.”
"#FF0000 ">Okay, then. I want the role of Casey #FF0000 ">for Midnight Theft. The role which eventually was #FF0000 ">to become mine but went to you #FF0000 ">instead. The role which made you what you are #FF0000 ">now.” she transported me to those pleasant memories. I began thinking how accidentally the role had come to me.
"What are you saying? That's impossible!" I #FF0000 ">said. #0000BF ">Try something more dramatic to place here instead of 'said'.
"Are you sure?"
#FF0000 ">"How can I reverse back the time. It's next to impossible!" #0000BF ">Lolwhut?
I heard a crackle and saw Olivia pointing the gun at my head. She pressed the trigger#FF0000 ">. #0000BF ">No need for an ellipse here.

The next thing I knew was that I was dead.

#FF0000 ">I floated above her, above my body, leaving behind my paradise, the one I had created with my sheer hard work and talent. I was leaving everything behind me. No one was going to be the witness of all this except for the non-living things which stood in my house's alleyway. #0000BF ">Here is where you get all detail-y and dramatic, but you failed me in this aspect. You were supposed to describe more the feeling of loosing consciousness, the pain, the fading light, the numbness, whatever; just don't give me the 'I'm dead and I'm now floating above the world' type of cliche that I can live without gladly. Be original. Think up your own concept. Don't follow the general rules. What I mean is, for example, if you're writing about a vampire, don't make him allergic to garlic or turn into ash under the sun! One: be logical. Two: whip up something new! Your imagination is there for a reason, so use it to the fullest extent!
#FF0000 ">Then I remembered one old Indian proverb, “We come into the world empty-handed and go back without anything. Then why does man crave fame and power?" I could now agree with the creator of proverb. I had spent my whole life earning all this power and success but it took a second for Olivia to separate me from it. #0000BF ">Show, don't tell. What I mean is, you're talking about emotion now, how it feels, what the character thinks as he... um... well... floats toward the light. I didn't even feel like the character was feminine. You gave no hint, albeit the given name, Amanda. If it weren't there, and if you didn't mention Casey, I would have totally thought that the character was male. Notice how I used 'he' all through this review to refer to the persona? That's why. Put gender indicators so your characters will be easier to identify.
Though I was dead, a new Olivia had #FF0000 ">been born, one with a #FF0000 ">deadly #0000BF ">Why did I suggest that you put in this word? ...No reason. Just wanted you to emphasize on what kind of mission it is. mission #FF0000 ">- to #00BF00 ">destroy everything which reminded the world of me. #0000BF ">Holy schnap, Batman. Cool.

#FF0000 ">From here on started Olivia’s crime life.
I. hate. this. ending! What with all that action, you end it with another cliche and not with a heart-pounding cliffhanger or something of the sort? Dang it. And what with 'crime life'? It just... sounds so... discomforting, in a critique-to-error way, not in the I-fear-thee way, if you get what I mean. I guess that's it.

Hello,
Here as requested . This is a very inteseting piece, and I liked it alot, but I also think that because it looks like one giant block of words that it's harder to read. I don't if that made much sense, if it didn't PM me. Also you do alot of telling rather than showing; if you need help with this you can PM me.

Onto the review:

Olivia’s eyes were full of insanity and hatred.

“Why would I joke about such a serious matter? Trust me,” Olivia replied.

She twisted her Korth revolver which scared me more. But I still couldn't believe that she was going to do that. Kill me.

She won’t kill me, I mumbled to myself.

My heart was beating frantically. But it didn't need to worry.

Her heart shaped face didn’t look dangerous even nowbut I knew she was.

“You have ruined my life. Why life is so easy for you? You got everything you wanted while I was left to become your maid. I resent my life,” she spat at me.

It did hurt at first but I knew that she was not in her senses.

I had never done any bad to her so why was she trying to kill me?

Just for some silly reason?

"Maid? You aren't my maid but my manager," I cleared up the blame on me.

"How does it matter? Only the name is different but I am a maid. You treat me like one," she couldn't stop her rows of accusations.

Her fingers weren't quivering and no smile lit up her face.

This could mean only one thing; she was determined of killing me.

She was dead serious about this.

“You stole my peace. Every night I go to bed wondering about how much God intends to give you. Expensive wardrobe, holidays at exotic places and five star treatment, all of this just drives me crazy. I am jealous of you. Did you hear me? I am jealous! I envy you!” she dropped the revolver and closed her ears with her hands screaming like a maniac which indeed she had become.

Maybe, she was insane.

But who is at home around 10 at Beverly Hills.

Most of them are busy partying in a club or in five star hotels and no one is going to come before next day, I thought.

I raised my one eyebrow.

It seemed like she was a new Olivia, the one I had never come across with, the one who was going to destroy me forever.

“I should have tied your mouth too. You shout a lot. Just like some B-grade actress. That’s what you are. You are not an A-grade one.People think you are, however you can't fool me. I taught you acting. I got you work here. Remember?,” she shouted at top of her lungs.

I couldn't believe she just had justsaid that.

"Okay then I want the role of Casey from Midnight Theft. The role which eventually was mine but went to you. The one which made you what you are,” she transported me to those pleasant memories.

She pressed the trigger.... The next thing I knew was that I was dead.

I could now agree with the creator of proverb.

Though I was dead, a new Olivia had born, the one with a mission.

From here on started Olivia’s crime life.

Thanks Biflle1 and Skins. Thanks a lot.

Heya

Thanks for being my first reveiw request! For that, I virtually hug you. *Gives virtual hug* And thanks for my reviews as well, by the way!

To be honest, I think everyone else has covered pretty much every nit-pick, so I'm not really going to bother repeating them. It will only bore the both of us! I'm just going to point out the one's that stand out for me.

PROLOGUE
AMANDA:
10:25 PM
25th June
“Please tell me you're joking,” I pleaded. Olivia’s eyes were full of insanity and hatred. She wasn't going to spare me. What in the world had gotten into her?
“Why would I joke about such a serious matter? Trust me,” Olivia replied. She twisted her Korth revolver which scared me more. But I still couldn't believe that she was going to do that. Kill me.
#FF0000 ">"She won’t kill me,#FF0000 ">" #FF0000 ">(You need speech marks here) I mumbled to myself. My heart was beating frantically. But it didn't need to worry. #0000FF ">All it's future pains were going to be stopped by Olivia. #0000FF ">(I like how you've hinted what's going to happen here, but not made it too obvious)
“Why are you doing this to me?” I asked. Her heart shaped face didn’t look dangerous even now but I knew she was.
“You have ruined my life.#FF0000 "> Why life is #FF0000 ">(Why is life) so easy for you? You got everything you #FF0000 ">ever wanted while I was left to become your maid. I resent my life,” she spat at me. This accusation hurt me like a splinter from a bomb blast. It did hurt at first but I knew that she was not in her senses. I had never thought that my best friend envied me. I had never done any bad to her so why was she trying to kill me? Just for some silly reason?
"Maid? You aren't my maid but my manager," I cleared up the blame on me.
"How does it matter? Only the name is different but I am a maid. You treat me like one," she couldn't stop her rows of accusations.
Her fingers weren't quivering and no smile lit up her face. This could mean only one thing; she was determined of killing me. She had never stretched a joke or prank of hers for this long before. #0000FF ">She was dead serious about this. #0000FF ">(I liked this! It gave me chills...)“I don't understand. How have I ruined your life?” I barked in rage, not even wanting to hear the answers, just stalling for time. I tried to free myself from the rope she had tied around my hands, which I was sure must have left a red mark on my wrists, but in vain.
“You stole my peace. Every night I go to bed wondering about how much God intends to give you. Expensive wardrobe, holidays at exotic places and five star treatment, all of this just drives me crazy. I am jealous of you. Did you hear me? I am jealous! I envy you!” she dropped the revolver and closed her ears with her hands screaming like a maniac which indeed she had become. It was unbelievable that a person on a mission would drop the gun so easily. Maybe, she was insane. I made a mental note of taking her to a psychiatrist if I survived this confrontation.
I looked down to see the Korth revolver close to me. While she is screaming and howling I should pick it up, I thought to myself.
I took a deep breath before taking the revolver. Olivia was still standing there unaware of my plan. I bent down slowly and tried to bring the revolver closer to me by dragging it with my feet when pain abruptly struck me. Olivia had stomped her sandal on my foot. I screeched in pain, praying that my neighbors would somehow hear me. But who is at home around 10 at Beverly Hills. Most of them are busy partying in a club or in five star hotels and no one is going to come before next day, I thought. I looked up to see Olivia for the first time, #FF0000 ">greeting me with a smile but a demented one. #FF0000 ">(This seems a bit off to me. Maybe you could rephrase it? Something like, greeting me with a smile, but it was far from comforting. It was demented.)
“I should have made myself clear before,” she silently whispered.
I raised my one eyebrow. I couldn't understand her. It seemed like she was a new Olivia, the one I had never come across with, the one who was going to destroy me forever.
“I should have tied your mouth too. You shout a lot. Just like some B-grade actress. That’s what you are. You are not an A-grade one.#FF0000 "> You need to put a space between the full stop and the next letter People think you are, however you can't fool me. I taught you acting. I got you work here. Remember?,” she shouted at top of her lungs.
I couldn't believe she just had just said that.
“What do you want? Money? Fame?” I asked her politely. I had once read that you shouldn’t challenge or engage yourself in a fight with any mentally insane criminal or a #FF0000 ">gonna be. #FF0000 ">(Huh?)
“No. I just want your end,” she laughed hysterically#FF0000 ">(Don't need a space here!). I could see my death near me,
“Please don’t do this.”
"Okay then I want the role of Casey from Midnight Theft. The role which eventually was mine but went to you. The one which made you what you are,” she transported me to those pleasant memories. I began thinking how accidentally the role had come to me.
"What are you saying? That's impossible," I said.
"Are you sure?"
"How can I reverse back the time. It's next to impossible
I heard a crackle and saw Olivia pointing the gun at my head.#FF0000 ">(Need a space here)She pressed the trigger.... #FF0000 ">The next thing I knew was that I was dead. #FF0000 ">(This seems a bit sudden. You could maybe include that you felt a sharp pain rip through your head, or something?) I floated above her, above my body leaving behind my paradise,the one I had created with my sheer #FF0000 ">hardwork #FF0000 ">(Two seperate words) and talent. I was leaving everything behind me. No one was going to be the witness of all this except for the non-living things which stood in my house's alleyway.
Then I remembered one old Indian proverb, “We come in the world empty-hand#FF0000 ">ied #FF0000 ">(No need for the i) and go back without anything. Then why does man crave fame and power?" I could now agree with the creator of proverb. I had spent my whole life earning all this power and success but it took a second for Olivia to separate me from it.
#0000FF ">Though I was dead, a new Olivia had born, the one with a mission. To destroy everything which reminded the world of me. From here on started Olivia’s crime life. #0000FF ">(I really loved your ending!)

“Please tell me you're joking,” I pleaded. Olivia’s eyes were full of insanity and hatred. She wasn't going to spare me. What in the world had gotten into her?
“Why would I joke about such a serious matter? I am being serious. Trust me,” Olivia replied. She twisted her Korth revolver menacingly. But I still couldn't believe that she was going #008080 ">kill me
#0080BF ">"She #008080 ">wouldn't kill me,#0080BF ">" I mumbled to myself.
“Why are you doing this to me?” I asked. Her heart shaped face didn’t look dangerous, even now, but I knew she was.
“You have ruined my life. You stole everything from me.... fame, money, life... everything!” she spat at me. This accusation hurt me like a splinter from a bomb blast. I had never thought that my best friend envied me. I had never done any bad to her, so why was she trying to kill me? Just for some silly reason? #0080BF ">The part in bold is unnessecary.
Her fingers weren’t quivering and no smile lit up her face. This was #008080 ">more proof that she was determined #008080 ">to kill me. She had never stretched a joke or prank of hers for this long before. She was dead serious about this.
“I don't understand. How have I ruined your life?” I barked in rage, not even wanting to hear the answers, just stalling for time. I tried to free myself from the rope she had tied around my hands, which I was sure must have left a red mark on my wrists.
“You stole my peace.#0080BF "> I don't get that part, look over it. I mean "You stole my peace." What the heck? Every night I go to bed wondering about how much God intends to give you. Expensive wardrobe, holidays at exotic places and five star treatment, all of this just drives me crazy. I am jealous of you. Did you hear me? I am jealous! I envy you!” she dropped the revolver and #008080 ">covered her ears with her hands screaming like a maniac which indeed she had become. It is unbelievable that a person on a mission would drop the gun so easily. Either she was insane or really stupid. I made a mental note of taking her to a psychiatrist if I survived this confrontation. #008080 ">Unnessecary.
I looked down to see the Korth revolver #008080 ">a couple of feet away. While she is screaming and howling I should pick it up, I thought to myself.
I took a deep breath before taking the revolver. Olivia was still standing there unaware of my plan. I bent down slowly and tried to bring the revolver closer to me by dragging it with my feet when pain abruptly struck me. Olivia had stomped her sandal on my foot. I screeched in pain, praying that my neighbors would somehow hear me. But who is at home around 10 at Beverly Hills.
Most of them are busy partying in a club or in five star hotels and no one is going to come before next day, I thought. The bones must have broken but... Couldn’t these thoughts go somewhere else? I looked up to see Olivia for the first time, greeting me with a demented smile.
“I should have made myself clear before,” she silently whispered.
I raised my one eyebrow. I couldn't understand her. It seemed like she was a new Olivia, the one I had never come across with, who was going to destroy me forever.
“I should have tied your mouth too. You shout a lot. Just like a B-grade actress. That’s what you are. You are not an A-grade one. People think you are, however you don't fool me I taught you acting! I got you work here! Remember?,” she shouted at top of her lungs.
“What do you want? Money? Fame?” I asked her politely. I had once read that you shouldn’t challenge or engage yourself in a fight with any mentally insane criminal.
“No. I just want your end,” she laughed hysterically . I could sense my death near me,
“Please don’t do this.”
"Okay then I want the role of Casey from Midnight Theft. The role which originally was mine but went to you. The one which made you what you are,” she transported me to those pleasant memories. I began thinking how accidentally the role had come to me. I heard a crackle and saw Olivia pointing the gun at my head. She pressed the trigger.... The next thing I knew was that I was dead. #008080 "> How do you know if you are dead whe you're dead? Like don't you die? lol... I floated above her, above my body leaving behind my paradise, the one I had created with my sheer hardwork and talent. I was leaving everything behind me. No one was going to be the witness of all this except for the non-living things which stood in my house's alleyway.
Then I remembered one old Indian proverb," We come in the world empty-handied and go back without anything. Then why does man crave fame and power?" I could now agree with the creator of proverb. I had spent my whole life earning all this power and success but it took a second for Olivia to separate me from it.
Though I was dead, a new Olivia had born, the one with a mission. To destroy everything which reminded the world of me. From here on started Olivia’s crime life.

Thanks a lot. No it's not going to be entirely a 3rd pesron narration. But somewhere I am going to introduce it. Thanks for the review.

Here on request.

This seems familiar. I've actually read this before.

She twisted her Korth revolver menacingly. But I still couldn't believe that she was going to do that. Kill me.

“You have ruined my life. You stole everything from me....fame, money, lfe..everything,”

This was another proof that she was determined of killing me.

I barked in rage,not even wanting to hear the answers, just stalling for time .

It is unbelievable that a person on a mission would drop the gun so easily.

I looked down to see the Korth revolver close to me. While she is screaming and howling I should pick it up, I thought to myself. 

But who is at home around 10 at Beverly Hills.

I could see my death near me,  

The role which eventually was mine but went to you.

Yo,
as such this intro seems to be quite in order. All the elements are there, the nuances though need fine tuning.

“Please tell me you're joking,” I pleaded. Olivia’s eyes were full of insanity and hatred. She wasn't going to spare me. What in the world had gotten into her? - unless the protagonist is a cool Victorian opium fiend who has stared into the face of death countless times while exploring Africa and Asia, it sounds utterly improbable, that someone would think in the situation you describe 'what in the world had gotten into her?'. They would think (as an example) 'oh my god, she's not joking', or 'I don't want to die' or something, anything which is more intense.


“You have ruined my life. You stole everything from me....fame, money, lfe..everything,” she spat at me - when someone spits out an angry sentence, it has to be short. Or a short number of short sentences. Once it becomes long and winding, it's no longer spitting out. Perhaps if you move 'she spat at me' to right after 'ruined my life', everything will click together. Now, there are people out there, who have read an ageing and bored Stephen King and believe him when he says that everything should be just 'he said, she said'. Bollocks, you can use anything you want, but you just have to be precise about it.

This accusation hurt me like a splinter from a bomb blast - this metaphor is still half-backed, you have to bake it fully. In the sense that you are being detailed in the second half - 'like a splinter from a bomb blast', but vague in the first half, just a measly 'hurt'. I think, that if you're going for a metaphor of this sort, you have to balance both halves of the sentence. Like 'this accusation shocked me like a bomb blast', or 'this accusation made my heart hurt like it got hit by bomb shrapnel' or something. If you don't balance this sentence, readers will get the general idea, but the sentence itself will not be a pleasure to read.

This was another proof that she was determined of killing me - I think here the sentence can end with 'determined'.

“I don't understand. How have I ruined your life?” I barked in rage, - here we have two issues. One is the previous, like with 'spat at me' - that the phrase uttered does not correspond quite to the mood being described. 'I don't understand. How have I ruined your life?' is not something someone 'barks in rage'. 'Listen here, you piece of crap!' is something someone barks in rage, or 'put down that gun and get the hell out!' or 'are you out of your mind?'
Right, so the described sentence is not a 'bark', it's rather a hapless inquiry. Thus two choices remain: either change the sentence being said to suit the description of it, or change the description of it. Maybe it's not an angry bark. Maybe it's a confused stutter. Or a pleading voice. But! If you do decide to leave it an 'angry bark', then you have to add at least a sentence or two beforehand, to describe how the main protagonist's confusion and fear slowly transforms into anger. Otherwise we have a baffled and afraid person, and then suddenly, out of nowhere, angry barking commences.

“You stole my peace. Every night I go to bed wondering about how much God intends to give you. Expensive wardrobe, holidays at exotic places and five star treatment, all of this just drives me crazy. I am jealous of you. Did you hear me? I am jealous! I envy you!” she dropped the revolver - here, you have to add two things to cure this bit from being too heavy to read. One - mention who is talking right after 'stole my peace'. Two - mention again that she has finished talking, before she drops her revolver.

“I should have made myself clear before,” she silently whispered.

I raised my one eyebrow. I couldn't understand her. - here again, the main protagonist starts behaving like James Bond. She tries to figure out what's going on, reaches for the gun, while her former friend shrieks like a maniac, her friend suddenly stomps down, probably breaking her toes, and she raises an eyebrow? Hehe:) And, the way it is worded, it sounds like she raised her one and only eyebrow.

The role which eventually was mine but went to you. - eventually sounds a bit off, it breaks the rhythm. Perhaps she should say directly 'which should have been mine'.

Thanks L5na2.

I really liked Olivia, she was a really strong character... creepy but strong and interesting. Someone should have told her that it isn't good to bottle things up inside, because it might explode all at once. Anyway I really liked how you made her seem kind of vulnerable at one point and drew her back into the crazy psycho killer.

I also wonder where your narrator is coming from here. Olivia is the one who just killed your narrator, yes? But if she's dead, how is she telling the story?

Hey there! Tis WD here, as requested. ^^ Sorry it has taken me so long. This is coming along--you definitely have some interesting ideas going on here and this has some powerful potential. You already have a lot of great comments here--I'm just going to point out a few things that I think you can do pack more power into your prose. Right now a lot of it is falling flat, and I think you can change this with focusing less on telling and more on specifics images.

I'll explain through a few examples.

“Please tell me you're joking,” I pleaded. Olivia’s eyes were full of insanity and hatred. She wasn't going to spare me. What in the world had gotten into her?

“Why would I joke about such a serious matter? I am being serious. Trust me,” Olivia replied. She twisted her Korth revolver menacingly. But I still couldn't believe that she was going to do that. Kill me.

“Why are you doing this to me?” I asked. Her heart shaped face didn’t look dangerous even now but I knew she was.

Her fingers weren’t quivering and no smile lit up her face. This was another proof that she was determined of killing me. She had never stretched a joke or prank of hers for this long before. She was dead serious about this.

“I don't understand. How have I ruined your life?” I barked in rage,not even wanting to hear the answers, just stalling for time . I tried to free myself from the rope she had tied around my hands, which I was sure must have left a red mark on my freshly manicured nails.

“You stole my peace. Every night I go to bed wondering about how much God intends to give you. Expensive wardrobe, holidays at exotic places and five star treatment, all of this just drives me crazy. I am jealous of you. Did you hear me? I am jealous! I envy you!” she dropped the revolver and closed her ears with her hands screaming like a maniac which indeed she had become. It is unbelievable that a person on a mission would drop the gun so easily. Maybe, she was insane. I made a mental note of taking her to a psychiatrist if I survived this confrontation.

I have edited it but I am still not satisfied fully. Will do something more. Then I will PM everyone who helped me with this. Anymore comments?

Thanks! Isha.

Well, nothing to correct that hasn't already been corrected! I loved it! Gave me shivers, goosebumps, which is just what I look for in a story.
Well done!!

Thank you Lava.

Hey Shubhi.

Well, everyone's done the the nit picks, I'll just give you a few points.

1.Your style has improved from this and your Mel/Jemima piece.
2.As Meep said, you'll need to focus a little on description of the surrounding and the atmosphere.
3.It's a good prologue, makes me want to read more.
4. I did not like the way you bolded and huge-ed the last lines. It makes a reader skip past lines and read only that.
5.As people have mentioned earlier, your dialogue is stiff. It takes time to get dialogues right, so I would suggest making them non native English speakers.

Anyway, I'm off to read the next xhapter.
~Lava

Jessy Annies said
This is really good. From the very beginning you capture the audience's attention, by starting at the climax.
Just a little thing. At the end when the main character gets killed, you need to make it more dramatic. Instead of The next thing I knew was that I was dead.I think you need to make the character scared or angry, as she has just died and she can see her body and killer.

This is really good. From the very beginning you capture the audience's attention, by starting at the climax.
Just a little thing. At the end when the main character gets killed, you need to make it more dramatic. Instead of #BF0000 ">The next thing I knew was that I was dead.I think you need to make the character scared or angry, as she has just died and she can see her body and killer.
You then need to start a new paragraph for, #BF0000 ">I floated above her, above my body leaving behind my paradise.he paradise I had created with my sheer hard work and talent. I was leaving everything behind me.To symbolise that the character is dead and that you are starting a new bit in the story .

But otherwise i enjoyed it a lot.
Please PM me when you have got other chapters.

Hey Shubhi!
Wow, this piece has already been throroughly nit-picked, so I shall just give me general comments.
1) Description:
Like peanut has said, prologues can be descriptive. I'm guessing that you were referring to plot description, but its also good if you can find a good balance of imagery description. The prologue was largely based on the thoughts and conversation between the characters, but you can also give us a better visual picture of their actions and the surroundings (you don't have to give too much details if you want location to be secret, of course). This is an important technique to really let your readers experience the story

2) The ending:
Umm, okay, that took me by surprise, haha. I wouldn't advise you too make the ending thought so gigantic, because it seems overly emphasised and too in-your-face. I'd suggest italics

3) Amanda:
For someone who's being held at gunpoint, her tone towards insane Olivia is rather risky, no? Would you be raising your voice in anger at or adopting a demanding tone if someone, regardless whether they know you, is holding you at gunpoint?

4) Olivia:
Just one thing, I know she's insane,
But isn't it rather silly of a person to just drop the gun like that?

5) Overall
Not bad at all! You had a good hook to make readers want to read on
Your challenge would be to effectively convey to us Olivia's state of mind.
She might not be clinically insane, but you've set yourself the task of creating a mentally unsound character. Good luck!

~Meep(:

Hi there Shubhi!

I'm here for a review, as requested. I hope it will be helpful

She won’t kill me, I mumbled to myself.

Well, she had had the courage to buy an expensive revolver like Korth so she must have the power to end me up.

This accusation hurt me like a splinter from a bomb blast. I had never thought that my best friend envied me. I had never done any bad to her so why was she trying to kill me? Just for some silly reason she was going to give?

I tried to free myself from the rope she had tied around my hands, which I was sure had left a red mark on my freshly manicured nails.

“You stole my peace. Every night I go to bed thinking about how much more fame will god give to you. Expensive wardrobe, holidays at exotic places and five star treatment, all of it just drives me crazy. I am jealous of you. Did you hear me? I am jealous! I envy you

While she is screaming and howling I should pick it up, I thought to myself.

Most of them are busy partying in a club or in five star hotels and no one is going to come before next day, I thought

“I should have tied your mouth too. You shout a lot. Just like a B-grade actress. That’s what you are. You are not an A-grade one.People think you are, however you don't fool me I taught you acting. I got you work here. Remember?,” she shouted at top of her lungs.

"Okay then I want the role of Casey from Midnight Theft. The role which eventually was mine but went to you. The one which made you what you are,”

I began thinking how accidentally the role had come to me.

Though I was dead, a new Olivia had born, the one with a mission. To destroy everything which reminded the world of me. From here on started Olivia’s crime life.

Wow! That was truly amazing! You have a true passion for writing and you can see it in your work. I was hooked by the end of the second paragraph! I'm really glad you PM me so I could read this. I hope you continue writing and posting more of this awesome story!

I looked down to see the Korth revolver close to me.


You mentioned earlier that Korth was a person, so don't call it a "Korth revolver" because it sounds like a weird brand name. Maybe say "Korth's revolver" or just say nothing about Korth at all.

Writer's note->Hi I had posted it before but then deleted it. It's rough and needs some serious work, I know. Just tell me whether you like the story or not. Point out grammar but don't tell me that I have not described much for I will do it in forthcoming chapters. ENJOY!!!

“Why would I joke about such a serious matter as this is? I am being serious. Trust me,”

She twisted her Korth revolver to scare me. But I still couldn't believe that she was going to do that. Kill me. #FF0000 ">would kill me.

Well, she#FF0000 ">'d had had the courage to buy an expensive revolver like Korth so she must have the power to end me up #FF0000 ">my life.

This accusation hurt me like a splinter from a bomb blast.

Just for some silly reason she was going to give?

Her fingers weren’t quivering and no smile lit up her face. This was another proof that she was determined of killing me. She had never stretched a joke or prank of hers for this long before. She was dead serious about this.

I tried to free myself from the rope she had tied around my hand, which I was sure had left a red mark on my freshly manicured nails.

Every night I go to bed thinking about how much more fame will god give to you.

Expensive wardrobe, holidays at exotic places and five star treatment, all of it just blows off my head. #FF0000 ">[Saying it blows off her head sounds like she's saying it doesn't matter to her; similar to "I let the insult roll right off me". Perhaps change it to something like "all of it just makes me more and more mad" or something; just so long as it goes in the direction you intend and not in the opposite. Keep sight of your story's direction!]

I looked down to see the Korth revolver close to me.

I took a deep breath before launching myself into action. #FF0000 ">[After this next sentence, you say that the MC bends down quietly and tries to get the gun, so saying she "launched into action" is an overstatement. Get rid of this first sentence for those reasons.] Olivia was still standing there unaware of my plan. I bent down quietly and tried to bring the revolver closer to me by dragging it with my feet when pain abrubtly #FF0000 ">abruptly struck me. Olivia had stomped her sandal on my foot. I screeched in pain more,praying that my neighbors #FF0000 ">neighbours would somehow hear me. But who is at home around 10 at Beverly Hills#FF0000 ">? Most of them are busy partying in a club or in five star hotels and no one is going to come before next day #FF0000 ">tomorrow, I thought. Couldn’t these thoughts go somewhere else? I looked up to see Olivia#FF0000 ">, for the first time greeting me with a smile#FF0000 ">; a demented one.

I raised my one #FF0000 ">an eyebrow.

“I should have tied your mouth too. You shout a lot. Just like a B-grade actress. That’s what you are. You are not an A-grade one. People think you are, however #FF0000 ">You don't fool me#FF0000 ">; I taught you acting. I got you work here. Remember?, #FF0000 ">[You don't need a comma there.]” #FF0000 ">She shouted at top of her lungs.
“What do you want? Money? Fame?” I asked her#FF0000 ">, politely #FF0000 ">panicking.

"Okay then#FF0000 ">; I want the role of Casey from Midnight Theft. The role which eventually was mine but went to you. The one which #FF0000 ">that made you what you are,” she transported me to those pleasant memories. I began thinking how accidentally the role had come to me. I heard a crackle #FF0000 ">cackle and saw Olivia point#FF0000 ">ed the gun at my head. She pressed the trigger.... The next thing I knew was that I was dead. I floated above her, above my body#FF0000 ">; I was leaving behind my paradise. #FF0000 ">The paradise I had created with my sheer hard#FF0000 ">[space right here]work and talent. I was leaving everything behind me. Then I remembered one old Indian proverb,#FF0000 ">:"We come in the world empty-hand#FF0000 ">ed and go back without anything. Then why does man crave fame and power?" I could now agree with the creator of #FF0000 ">this proverb. I had spent my whole life earning all this #FF0000 ">power and success, but it took a second for Olivia to separate me from it.
Though I was dead, a new Olivia had #FF0000 ">been born, the one with a mission#FF0000 ">: #FF0000 ">one to destroy everything which #FF0000 ">that reminded the world of me. From here on started Olivia’s crime life.
"GOD SHE DOESN"T KNOW WHAT SHE HAS DONE PLEASE FORGIVE HER," I WILL PRAY THIS FROM THE HEAVENS EVERYDAY FROM NOW ON.#FF0000 ">[This sentence is unneeded, and the story ends much more dramatically on the previous line.]

shubhiloves2write wrote:Writer's note->Hi I had posted it before but then deleted it. It's rough and needs some serious work, I know. Just tell me whether you like the story or not. Point out grammar but don't tell me that I have not described much for I will do it in forthcoming chapters. ENJOY!!!
PROLOGUE
AMANDA:
“Please stop joking,” I commanded. Olivia’s eyes were full of greed and weren’t going to spare me. What in the world had gotten into her?
“Why would I joke about such a serious matter as this is? I am being serious. Trust me,” Olivia replied. She twisted her Korth revolver to scare me. But I still couldn't believe that she was going to do that. Kill me. She won’t kill me, I mumbled to myself.
“Why would you do this to me?” I asked. Her heart shaped face didn’t look dangerous even now but I knew she was. Well, she had had the courage to buy an expensive revolver like Korth so she must have the power to end me up.
“You have ruined my life,” she blamed me. This accusation hurt me like a splinter from a bomb blast. I had never thought that my best friend envied me. I had never done any bad to her so why was she trying to kill me? Just for some silly reason she was going to give?
Her fingers weren’t quivering and no smile lit up her face. This was another proof that she was determined of killing me. She had never stretched a joke or prank of hers for this long before. She was dead serious about this.
“Would you kill me then? How have I ruined your life?” I barked in rage,not even wanting to hear the answers, just stalling for time . I tried to free myself from the rope she had tied around my hand, which I was sure had left a red mark on my freshly manicured nails.
“You stole my peace. Every night I go to bed thinking about how much more fame will god give to you. Expensive wardrobe, holidays at exotic places and five star treatment, all of it just blows off my head. I am jealous of you. Did you hear me? I am jealous! I envy you,” she dropped the revolver and closed her ears with her hands screaming like a maniac which indeed she had become. My fame? My success? Had all this been the reason? What kind of a friend envies her friend's success? I looked down to see the Korth revolver close to me. While she is screaming and howling I should pick it up, I thought to myself.
I took a deep breath before launching myself into action. Olivia was still standing there unaware of my plan. I bent down quietly and tried to bring the revolver closer to me by dragging it with my feet when pain abrubtly struck me. Olivia had stomped her sandal on my foot. I screeched in pain more,praying that my neighbors would somehow hear me. But who is at home around 10 at Beverly Hills. Most of them are busy partying in a club or in five star hotels and no one is going to come before next day, I thought. Couldn’t these thoughts go somewhere else? I looked up to see Olivia for the first time greeting me with #FF0000 ">a smile but a warped one.#FF0000 ">Try instead "a demented smile." Bascially the same thing just more intense.
“I should have made myself clear before,” she silently whispered.
I raised my one eyebrow. I couldn't understand her. It seemed like she was a new Olivia, #FF0000 ">the one I had never come across with, who was going to destroy me forever.#FF0000 ">Try this "one whom I've never come across. This new Olivia was going to destroy me forever"
“I should have tied your mouth too. You shout a lot. Just like a B-grade actress. That’s what you are. You are not an A-grade one. #FF0000 ">Let people consider you that but I know the truth.#FF0000 ">Try "People think you are, however you don't fool me." I taught you acting. #BF0000 ">i#FF0000 ">I got you work here.#FF0000 ">" Remember?,” she shouted at top of her #FF0000 ">voice.#FF0000 ">lungs.“What do you want? Money? Fame?” I asked her politely. I had once read that you shouldn’t challenge or engage yourself in a fight with any #FF0000 ">mentally retarded criminal.#FF0000 ">"mentally insane person."
“No. I just want your end,” she #FF0000 ">hysterically laughed#FF0000 ">Switch those words. I could see my death near me#FF0000 ">, planning to send me to hell or heaven.#FF0000 ">Omit“Please don’t do this.”
"Okay then I want the role of Casey from Midnight Theft. The role which eventually was mine but went to you. The one which made you what you are,” she transported me to those pleasant memories. I began thinking how accidentally the role had come to me. I heard a crackle and saw Olivia pointing the gun at my head.She pressed the trigger.... The next thing I knew was that I was dead. I floated above her, above my body leaving behind my paradise.he paradise I had created with my sheer hardwork and talent. I was leaving everything behind me. Then I remembered one old Indian proverb," We come in the world empty-handied and go back without anything. Then why does man crave fame and power?" I could now agree with the creator of proverb. I had spent my whole life earning all this but it took a second for Olivia to separate me from it.
Though I was dead, a new Olivia had born, the one with a mission. To destroy everything which reminded the world of me. From here on started Olivia’s crime life.
"GOD SHE DOESN"T KNOW WHAT SHE HAS DONE PLEASE FORGIVE HER," I WILL PRAY THIS FROM THE HEAVENS EVERYDAY FROM NOW ON.

Thanks Ben and Elinor. i will go through the mistakes.

Hi shubhi! This was just, well okay. It's a nice start, but you're making a lot of amateur mistakes, and people have most already commented on those. I did, however, notice one little thing, and that had to do with your dialogue tags. See below.

I commanded.
Olivia replied.
I asked.
she blamed me.
I barked in rage
she silently whispered.
she shouted at top of her voice.
I asked her politely.
she hysterically laughed.

Hey there Shubhi!

Most people have pointed out the nitpicks, so I won't bother you with any dull repetition, what I will say though, concerns your dialogue. At the start I loved it and at the end I loved it, there's a true stencil of character created by it. However, during the middle and nearer the start there were parts where it just felt too much like a bland plot motor. By this I mean the questions in the dialogue were so wooden, that it just sounded oddly like a request to the reader to bend their minds to the change of happenings. Beside this, I have to say I adore the narrative voice and the showing of the imagery and atmosphere, it's all very well written. I think you might need to look over some of the longer and shorter sentences and rethink about punctuating because there seems to be an odd vibe of mistakes throughout. I also love your character Olivia (don't know if I'm meant to) but I just thought her personality was so interesting. A little scratchy on Amanda though, which is odd since this is written in first person so we should kind of prectically be inside her head, but I'm not really getting that effect. I feel a lot like I'm third party povving, if you know what I mean. Seeing it from a camera view, if it were a film, you know?

Anyway, keep up the good writing and PM me when you have more,
Ben

Thanks LittlePetRock!

'Ello shubhi!
I really, really liked this story! Please don't stop writing this! No nit-picks to point-out, which is good.
I shall review this in #0000FF ">Beautiful Blue!

“Would you kill me then#0000FF ">, how have I ruined your life?” I barked in rage, not even wanting to hear the answers, just stalling for time. #0000FF ">When asking two questions at the same time, you should combine them together, separated by a comma.

I tried to free myself from the rope she had tied around my hand#0000FF ">s,... #0000FF ">What? You make it sound like she only has the rope tied around one of her hands, she wouldn't be struggling to free herself then.

I looked down to see the Korth revolver close to me. While she is screaming and howling I should pick it up, I thought to myself.
I took a deep breath before launching myself into action. Olivia was still standing there unaware of my plan. I bent down quietly to pick it up when pain abruptly struck me.#0000FF ">I thought her hands were tied?

"GOD SHE DOESN#0000FF ">'T KNOW WHAT SHE HAS DONE PLEASE FORGIVE HER," I WI#0000FF ">LL PRAY THIS FROM THE HEAVEN#0000FF ">S EVERYDAY FROM NOW ON.

Hi FlyingInEbony.Thanks for reviewing. Actually I have just started this with a prologue. I will tell how they befriended and what led to all this but in a flashback/memories Olivia has. Thanks once again..

Hey, Shubhi! I liked your story, it's new! I just wanted to point out that your prologue is a little rushed because your story starts out with a climax - a supporting climax, but still a climax. You drastically start out with killing a character. If I were in your place, I would perhaps begin the story with the events that lead up to the relationship that Olivia and Amanda had once shared, and how it went wrong one time or the other. As of now, I can't really relate to Olivia because I don't know who she was or how she used to act. Maybe she "deserved" this bullet. Or are you writing in medias res? Because I thought that your forthcoming chapters would be about the next victims of Olivia. Anyways, just that. I liked how the events in your piece were positioned realistically (according to the seven stages of grief, or any other repressing emotion) - first, shock and denial, second, guilt, bargaining, and then the final step (on the behalf of Amanda). Good job! Keep working, I'd love to read your future posts!

I think I made myself pretty clear in the beginning that this is just a prologue so I am not elaborating on the feelings. I think I told that Olivia is insane and I will tell in the forthcoming chapters what all lead to this. Thanks for reading.

I think this story is a little confusing. I feel like most of your dialogue is extremely inverted.
Ex:

"Why would I joke about such a serious matter as this is? Definitely I am serious"

“Maybe because you ruined my life,” she blamed me.

“Would you kill me then? How have I ruined your life?” I barked in rage

Thank you lakegirls for your kind suggestions. I have edited it and you may like to take a look at it again.

Hey there! So I haven't done a critique in ages, probably close on to 6 months, but here I am, ready to pick it up again! I'm going to copy & paste your story and an grammatical errors, comments or concerns will be in bold. Sound good? Okay, let's get started!

“Please stop joking,” I commanded. Olivia’s eyes were full of greed and weren’t going to spare me. What in the world had gotten into her?

“Why would I joke about such a serious matter as this is? Definitely I am serious,seems a little awkward, maybe something like "I am being serious. Trust me.” Olivia replied. She twisted her Korth revolver to scare me. But I still didn’t believe that she was going to do that. Kill me. She wouldn't kill me, I mumbled to myself.

“Why would you do this to me?” I asked. Her heart shaped face didn’t look dangerous even now but I knew she was. Well she had had the courage to buy an expensive revolver like Korth so she must have the power to end me up. take out the up

“Maybe because you ruined my life,” she blamed me. This accusation hurt me like a splinter from a bomb blast. very very nice simile I had never thought that my best friend envied me. I had never done any bad to her so why was she trying to kill me?

Her fingers weren’t quivering and no smile lit up her face. This was another surety of her killing me. She had never stretched a joke or prank of hers for this long. She was dead serious about this.

“Would you kill me then? How have I ruined your life?” I barked in rage, not even wanting to hear the answers, just stalling for time. this could possibly work. I tried to free myself from the rope she had tied around my hand, which I was sure had left a red mark on my freshly manicured hand. The repetition of hand doesn't flow well, try something like around my wrists or freshly manicured nails. Your choice!

“You stole my peace. Every night I go to bed thinking about how much more fame will god give to you. Expensive wardrobe, holidays to exotic places and five star treatment, all of it just blows off my head. I am jealous of you. Did you hear me? I am jealous! I envy you,” she dropped the revolver and closed her ears with her hands screaming like a maniac which indeed she had become. I looked down to see the Korth revolver close to me. While she is screaming and howling I should pick it up, I thought to myself.

I took a deep breath before launching myself into action. Olivia was still standing there unaware of my plan. I bent down quietly to pick it up when pain abruptly struck me. Olivia had stomped her sandal on my hand. I screeched in pain more than necessary, praying that my neighbors would somehow hear me. But who is took out at home around 10 at Beverly Hills. Most of them are busy partying in a club or in five star hotels and no one is going to come before next day, I thought. Couldn’t these thoughts go somewhere else? I looked up to see Olivia for the first time greeting me with a smile but a warped one.

“I should have made myself clear before,” she silently whispered.

I raised my one eyebrow. I couldn't understand her. It seemed like she was a new Olivia, the one I had never come across with who will destroy me forever.

“I should have tied your mouth too. You shout a lot. Just like a B-grade actress. That’s what you are. You are not an A-grade one. Let people consider you that but I know the truth,” she shouted at top of her voice.

“What do you want? Money? Fame?” I asked her politely. I had once read that you shouldn’t challenge or engage in a fight with a mentally retarded criminal.

“No. I just want your end,” she hysterically laughed. I could see my death near to me.

“Please don’t do this.”

"Okay then I want the role of Casey from Midnight Theft. The role which was mine but went to you. The one which made you what you are,” she transported me to those pleasant memories. I began thinking how accidentally the role had come to me. I heard a crackle and saw Olivia pointing the gun at my head.She pressed the trigger.... The next thing I knew was that I was dead. I floated above her, above my body leaving behind my paradise.Though I was dead, a new Olivia had born, the one with a mission. To destroy everything which reminded the world of me. From here on started Olivia’s crime life.

"GOD SHE DOESN"T KNOW WHAT SHE HAS DONE PLEASE FORGIVE HER," I WILL PRAY THIS FROM THE HEAVEN EVERYDAY FROM NOW ON.