CHAPTER-3
SEAN KERR
11: 25 PM
25th June, 2009
Me? Investigating a high profile case? I couldn’t believe my ears as the caller on the other end informed me of Amanda Bailey’s demise. Why would anyone kill her? What could one possibly gain from it? Unless, it was something very deep and intense, something that was out of my understanding? A series of such questions were popping into my head. But I needed to keep my head straight investigate the case. Chief Sean Kerr is known for his detective talent.
“What are you saying, Chief? She’s dead?” Chloe asked me in panic. Just like me, they all couldn't believe their ears. Outside the room, everyone had gathered. I could see them all through the glass pane. Some of their faces had turned red. It looked they would slit the throat of Amanda’s killer if he or she came in front of them. It looked to Chloe that I was joking to her and everyone present there. Why would I?
“Yes, she is no more. Hard to believe,” I answered back, still gazing at my laptop, refusing to comment anymore. It took me some more time to absorb this fact. I wasn’t ever an Amanda Bailey fan, but a sudden mysterious death comes as a surprise and shock to everyone. She had meretricious beauty. She was beautiful but was artificial. But no one else seemed to notice this except me. Or maybe, someone used to.
“Who informed you? Where was she found dead?” Chloe threw questions at me. I caught all of them skilfully and answered all her queries.
“Her security guard, Tim called. He found her dead at her Beverly Hills mansion. He had gone for an ice-cream leaving the house all alone,” I answered. Had the security guard, Tim been in front of me I would have taught him left right. From where did he have the guts to leave his duty and go for merry-making? A hopeless fellow!
“Did he find anyone there?” she bombarded me with another question.
“Isn’t this our duty, Chloe? And I can bet you that a person as lazy as this wouldn’t have even bother to search the house for any evidence,” I replied churlishly. Lava started spewing out of me on thinking about Tim. Instead of gearing herself for a busy night ahead, Chloe was asking me irrelevant questions. I know she wanted to…..I also wanted to answer….it was so confusing. Phew!
I looked at Chloe, her face towards me and her eyes looking for something, for some answer.
“Shouldn’t she be at the premiere of her film? It’s just 11: 26. The parties run till midnight and she must have died some time before,” she raised a question.
“Why? Which film?” I said. I was never up to date with films even though I lived in L.A. and met celebrities everyday. They all need me for protection.
"Harry Knows Dancing…or something like that,” one of my men replied nervously. I looked at him with disgust. They didn’t have time for an investigation, always wanted a leave but they were up-to-date with the film world which didn’t even feed them or their family’s stomach. The person pushed his face down so as to shun eye contact. I also darted away my glance away from this useless fellow.
“Chief, we should hurry up and go there,” Chloe said and started assembling her things. She always kept her desk tidy. That was the best quality of her.
Chloe had brown silky hair which she always tied up in a pony, always had her lipstick and mascara on (all women have, for that matter) and wore her blue uniform and small heart shaped earrings. She wasn't a beauty but neither she was ugly. She stood somewhere in between.
“I would want Chloe, Derek, Roger and Jack to go with me now. I don’t think we’ll need others,” I made myself clear, shattering the dreams of those who wanted to visit the site and look at Amanda’s dead body. Crazy fans!
“Sir, won’t we need more officers in case we have the criminal there?” Chloe as usual opposed my decision. Although she rejected my each idea, which she had no right of but still did, I had found some respect for her. This showed her level of interest and mind power. She didn’t believe in absolute subordination.
“I don’t suppose the criminal will be ours tonight. He or she has killed a big star so might be having big plan of living discreetly avoiding to be recognised. He or she would’ve planned everything. We might be having a tough night ahead,” I spoke as I was lost in the crime world. I had solved thirty five crime cases in twenty years of my police job. I was known for my excellence all over American Police department. And if I solve this case, I thought, I would be on headlines. A famous detective! I couldn't stop thinking about the fame.
“As you say, Chief,” Chloe agreed. I passed a pale smile to encourage my force. After all, they were going to work whole night and who knows maybe next day too without any break. I went to my cubicle and gathered my stuff: the latest revolver, bullet-proof jacket, a notepad along with pen to write down notes and some apples(we had to stock up some tit-bits for food. We didn't have time for proper meals sometimes). This would be enough! I thought.
Amanda’s mansion was nothing less than a palace. I couldn’t think of any reason that could support the idea of only one security guard at this extravagant mansion. I had to know more about Amanda now. She intrigued me.
I stopped the police car right in front of her house. The road was silent, giving me an eerie feeling. Every time before getting myself ready for any investigation, I had to push away the eerie feeling first. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes for a fraction of second to recompose myself. All the other mansions were dark. Beverly Hills’s residents like to party night long. They are known for this. I retrieved my walkie-talkie from the dashboard and looked back at my officers. They all nodded. We were ready.
I stepped out of the van and so did the others. We marched forward when we saw someone emerge from the darkness. Immediately, we all lifted our revolvers in case the person was dodgy.
“No worry officer. I am Tim,” he informed raising up his hand for surrender. We went forward and looked at him clearly. He was a lusty man with big mostache and beard. He had black eyes common to most of the Asians and Africans.
“So you are Tim, sir’s useless fellow,” Derek gave a sarcastic comment making Jack let out a weak grin.
The lusty man looked abashed.
“Yes I am. Let me show you where I found her dead,” he turned back and started walking towards the mansion. I didn’t ask him any other questions and obeyed his instructions which was quiet unusual because I was the one giving orders always.
I heard Chloe talking to Roger in whisper. But as I was right in front of them, I could hear them talking. Chloe could never really talk in whisper.
“What if we never get the killer? LAPD will have another incompetence marked against it. This case is important to be solved,” she whispered.
“I know Chloe. We need to solve this case. This is about public’s favourite Amanda. They won’t tolerate any delay in this matter. Keep your fingers crossed,” he said.
I very well knew what they were talking about. The Lanter case was the only case so far I had difficulty solving in. I just left it halfway. Tonight, I wanted the file for examining it again but then this case came up. I made a mental note of taking back the file home for study.
The Amanda case needed to be solved.
“Why did you go out for ice-cream?” I asked him a silly question. I just didn’t want the silence to continue itself.
“Officer, I just felt like eating it today. Besides, Ms. Bailey was supposed to be in her party. I didn’t expect her to be at home so early. Had I known this would happen then I wouldn't have stepped out of my security cabin,” he was very frightened.
"Of course, no one would have known. But sneaking out like this is outrageous." I couldn't stop myself from being rude. This was my duty; I couldn't afford to be sweet with everyone.
We had now reached the entrance and he turned the door knob.
“Didn’t she have surveillance system?” I asked.
“Yes she did. But someone, maybe, the killer closed it down,” Tim replied.
“Then I guess the killer was a regular visitor or was a computer expert,” Chloe said.
We were standing in the lobby which was then dark. Tim switched open the lights and the place transformed into a mind-blowing area. On both the walls, there were several pictures of Amanda in her different films. I hadn’t seen any of her films after Midnight Thief. That was superb and worth watching again but I hardly had any time. We walked around in the lobby until the room grew bigger and changed into a big hall. This was huge and beautiful. The hall had two staircases which took you to the next floor and the ceiling was studded with a crystal chandelier. The walls had a beige paint showing aristocracy and royalty. There was no blood around so I guessed the murder had taken place on the next floor or somewhere else.
“Isn’t this pretty?” Roger asked a rhetorical question.
“Yes it is. But we aren’t here for fun,” I replied.
ROGER HOPKINS
11:50 PM
25th June
“Yes it is. But we aren’t here for fun,” my dastardly boss replied to me.
Jack chortled. He always envied me and had started who’s-the-best competition of which the whole department knew.
I sighed but didn’t comment further. Had I asked this question at any other time then he wouldn’t have mind, in fact he would’ve stretched the topic further but this was not the right time. He was out on an investigation and won’t tolerate any nuisance. He wasn’t a cruel or dastardly boss but a martinet. He had high expectations from himself and us.
“Don’t mind, Roger,” Chloe silently came to me and whispered. I didn’t mind. Why would I? After all I had said a thing at a wrong time. But still I couldn’t help myself calling him a dastardly boss.
“Where is her body?” Chief’s voice was hostile as he asked Tim.
“Upstairs, near her bedroom,” Tim fretfully replied.
We all climbed the marble stairs and reached upstairs. Right in front of us was Amanda sitting on a chair, her hands tied. But she was dead. Tim wasn’t joking. Her mauve nightgown was crimson red with blood. Her angel like face too had red spots of her blood. This is not true, just a dream, a nightmare, I thought to myself.
“Shit! She looks terrible without makeup,” Chloe remarked.
“I knew she was artificial. I knew that,” Chief said rejoicing his victory. Long ago, we all had bet whether her next movie would work. He didn’t think so but lost the bet after her film grossed highest amount that year. A crooked smile spread on his face.
“We should rule out suicide, Chief. There’s no way possible she could have killed herself when her hands are tied and there’s no revolver around,” Jack made an unnecessary statement.
“What do you think Jack that I don’t know his all,” Chief scolded him. This was my time to chuckle on Jack but I let it go. I just enjoyed his gloomy face.
“Sorry Chief,” he apologized sinking down his head.
Chloe looked very disturbed after witnessing this scene. That’s why I say we shouldn’t have women on the force. They are way too touchy and sentimental for this brutal and difficult work.
“Are you all right?” Derek asked her.
“Yes, I am. Don’t worry, I won’t vomit or faint,” she smiled.
Derek too smiled back to which Chief Sean raised an objection. “No laughing now. This is serious work,” he said to both of them.
Chief Sean went close to Amanda to check for some evidence. I too joined him there while others distributed themselves to other areas on the floor.
“Roger, you go help Chloe. She needs you there. She is not feeling well tonight. I can handle this alone and I have Tim here for help,” Chief politely told me and looked at Tim.
“Are you sure?” I asked him. Somewhere I couldn’t convince myself to leave Chief alone with this Tim. Maybe Tim killed Amanda, I thought. No one was sure that he wan’t the killer.
“Yes. I will manage here. Don’t worry,” he said just like my dad.
I stood up from my position and walked where I had last seen Chloe walk to. I heard Chloe’s shout from the same direction.
“Look what’s here,” she screamed. I felt my heart palpitate. What was there she had found. Had she found someone or something? I could sense her in grave danger.
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140,811 Literary Works • 673,693 Reviews
Greetings again, shubhi! I’m still trying, against all odds, to produce something no one else has said yet.
Wow, even more new characters. I’ve got to say, at this point, It’s actually starting to become a bit detrimental to the plotline. We’ve got a ton of people to keep track of, almost all of whom have similar narrative voices, and some of whom are in the same area doing pretty much the same thing. I actually kind of think, that unless this Roger guy and his thoughts are majorly important to the plot, his narration should probably go to Sean or Chloe—they’re in the same place, but we already know them, so it’s easier to slip back into their roles. If you can’t get rid of Roger’s POV section, then it might be a good idea to return to characters we know really soon, go back to Josh or Olivia, so the audience doesn’t just forget about them. It’s hard to keep up a connection with a character if you only spend about two or three pages with them at a time.
That said, I really liked the narration section from Sean’s point-of-view. I think his voice is the most developed out of all the ones you’ve written, I can really feel the character himself coming through the descriptions and narrations. It’s helped by the fact that I like the character a lot—he has a lot of flaws, but I think all of them are very humanizing and help to define his character. He’s a very strict person and takes his work very seriously, and I think it makes him more likable that he holds himself and everyone else to the same standard. I enjoyed the little quirks of his character, like the way he sneers at that poor guy who knew what Amanda’s movie was called. His character is flawed, but still likable and amusing, and I enjoyed the section from his point of view.
Roger’s character is also interesting, though I still think in the grand scheme of things his narration should go to somebody else. I liked his competition with Jack, and I like how some of his flaws—like his rudeness towards Chloe—come out in the narration, it’s a very smooth way to go about characterization.
Quick nitpick:
The word you’re looking for is “quite,” not “quiet”—they’re easy to confuse. ^___^
I will review the rest of this later, dear Shubhi.
-Maddy
Hey Shub (I can call you Shub, right?) I'm here to review like you asked. All of my comments will be in pink. Then I'll give a general comment at the bottom.
I can't finish this right now. Sorry if this sounds rude, but there were a lot of mistakes. I mean A LOT!! You need to work on making your sentences less awkward, making them sound like different people for every character you do, and making it sound like normal speech and thought. No one and I mean NO ONE is that proper. I'll try to finish it later.
I still owe you your reviews, so PM me if you want them done faster. I'll be back.
Sorry,
~Danie
Here I am, as you requested.
… oh boy. Sorry, I won’t be able to get through the whole thing.
You need to work on your sentence structure. It’s been the problem with the past few chapters. Some of the sentences don’t sound natural, and that’s not good. As said before, you need to know how to use those commas, because it makes the story read better. Fortunately I stuck it out and read the whole thing, but others times you won’t get the same story. Just something to think about.
Story-wise, its an average chapter. It had it’s moments though/
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Oh. My. Gosh. I love that paragraph!
The ending is good too, I like the cliffhanger. Though again, the difficult readability took away from the punch.
You have quite a bit of work to do.
Hello! You already have a number of critiques on the other installments, so I'm just going to review this last one. Keep in mind I haven't read the beginning, so I'm focusing less on plot and more of actual writing style.
Also, proofread. You have some incorrect prepositions ("on" instead of "of" and things like that) and at one point you say "quiet" when you mean "quite". Watch for that.
Your dialogue and dialogue tags are quite repetitive. You have Chloe ask the question, and then you narrator says that she's throwing questions. Your narrator says that they catch them skillfully and answer, and then they actually answer in dialogue, and then you narrator says [i]again[/i that they're answering.
Basically, lighten up on the dialogue tags. You don't have to say that the character is answering three times; we should understand that from their dialogue. If this doesn't make any sense, PM me and I'll try to explain it better.
Oddly phrased, almost like a double-negative. Consider saying: She always kept her desk tidy. Or find a better, more descriptive way to say "tidy".
That line of dialogue makes no sense, dear!
You have a lot of medium-sized sentences, with the occasional short one thrown in. This combination makes the story's flow very choppy and monotonous. Try to throw in some longer, complex sentences to add a fluidity to the rhythm. Prose has to deal with rhythm just like poetry.
Just from these two different perspectives, I can see very little change in narrator tone. That's the problem with using multiple first-person POVs; you have to come up with different and specific tones for EVERY character whose perspective you write from. Right now, without those headers that said whose viewpoint we were in, I wouldn't be able to distinguish just by their tone. Work on that. Make sure that each character's voice is distinctive-- one more serious, one more prone to cracking jokes, one with more descriptive thoughts, one who uses more emotions in their narrative.
As far as the actual writing goes? There were some good parts-- I think the plot could turn out well, if you keep in interesting, and make sure to develop your characters so they don't all blend together. I'd suggest using more interesting description, though.
"Beautiful" and "brown silky hair" get the job done, but they're not very exciting to read about and don't paint clear pictures. You're trying to establish this scene for your readers-- use stimulating and descriptive words.
Good luck, and PM me for anything! Keep writing!
~Evi
Thanks all of you who reviewed my work. I am editing it now.
Hey... again!
I'm on the third chapter now! Woop!
I've got to say, this was great! I'm not actually going to point out any nit-picks because there are hardly any! All of the nit-picks I would have pointed out already have been pointed out. There's no point in me repeating them!
Like I said when I reviewed chapter two, I really like the characters you have created. But I do have to agree that your phrasing skills aren't too amazing! Hope has given you a good example about that.
Well... that's about it! I can't find anything else to critique really! You have great story ideas, and I cannot wait to read the next chapter of this!
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
Hi I truly agree with your poin. They won't let him free without a proper alibi. Do read more!
I like this story so far--besides the grammar and spelling mistakes. Others have already pointed that out, so I have a suggestion.
Wouldn't the cops be suspicious of Tim...? I mean, he did stay with her. His alibi is he went to get ice cream and found her dead body. Wouldn't they want to question him?
Keep writing!
-Cassie
Alright...I'm going to give it to you straight. You need a lot of work. You've got some great story ideas, and you do a good basic outline, but there's a whole lot you need to work on. The way your characters talk is just horrible. It's just simpley not how normal people talk, we say can't not can not, stuff like that.
Also here I had no idea what this meant-
If you could only fix your grammar and dialogue, you could be an amazing writer.
Work on it okay? Otherwise I thought this story was great, it was just the horrible grammar and some things that just didn't make sense. But I like it so far.
Good luck, and keep writing.
~Hope
Thanks a lot Lava.
Hey Shubhi!
A personal suggestion. I feel it would be better if it went "Me? Investing a high profile case?"Sorry I'm a little late. I had tons of work. (Blame the college.)
Anyways, onto this.
This sentence is a bit awkward. You'll need to show us how he answered them, not say this, especially in first person.
XD I like that sentence.
Okay, on a serious note, It would sound better if you say Lava was spewing out of me or something.
I would suggest removing this. It doesn't sound right, here.
Re-phrase this; it's a bit awkward.
Good way of switching POV. Dastardly is not the word to use here. What are you trying to say? That the chief is all serious and no-play or that he is evil?
Looks is a much better option.
Overall: Well, the story is heading along fine. The only thing I feel is you aren't making me feel the investigation strong enough. For this, you need to show us the descriptions. PM me, if you don't get this. Also; the chapter seemed a little low on the suspense when you suddenly left it at a cliff hanger. It's good, but you'll need to build up to it.
Hope I helped.
Cheers,
~Lava
It got featured. Wow!!!!
Thank you both of you. I owe a lot to you all.
Hey Shubi, I'm here to review at yous request. Sadly, I'm late and Isha pointed out all you errors already. I wanted to do that
. Oh well I like the intensity of the plot so far and please listen to Isha's suggestions and fix these errors. Update soon please and thank you for the read.
Corrections, comments and suggestions in red.
This is getting really good!! I can't wait to see how everything turns out! Just a few sentence structure suggestions and a few missed comas and such, but I still love it! After all, I do the exact same thing constantly!!