A Criminal's Heart Chapter-6

Hi, shubhi! Sorry for the slackening in reviews, I’ve been coming back from work really tired lately and I was having trouble getting up the motivation to… well, do much of anything at all. XD I figured, better a late review that I put 100% effort into than an on-time one that’s lame and unfocused.

Primarily, YES MORE OLIVIA. I am delighting in the ease of her lies, in her coldness, and how this contrasts with her kindness towards Rudy and her dreams about Amanda. She’s probably my favorite character, maybe because she’s just so exciting to read about. Every time Olivia is “onstage,” we get a deeper insight into her character and her motivations, and we see her and everyone around her get a little more tangled up in the web of the murder. She drives things forward. XD

The dreams themselves were particularly fascinating—I can’t help but wonder what they hint at for Olivia’s character. To dream of the person that she killed, and to remember their childhood together, almost suggests to me a touch of guilt over having killed Amanda. This, I think, adds more complexity to Olivia’s character, suggesting that her killing off Amanda might not have been as easy as she wants the reader to think it was. She even mentions the joy of playing with Amanda, of being her friend, and actually says that some of the love she felt for her still remained until the night of Amanda’s death. I think this is some really fantastic characterization because it makes Olivia much more whole, it gives her a reason to have stuck with Amanda all this time and produces some inner conflict that draws me into the story even more. I really want to know what kind of toll the whole situation with Amanda is eventually going to have on Olivia’s mental health, because it sounds like she’s really starting to fall apart.

The fact that she never even mentions the driver she killed kind of bothers me, though. He wasn’t Amanda, he wasn’t the one she’d hated all these years, but if Amanda’s death is affecting her, I don’t see why his shouldn’t.

I’ve got to say, by the way, that I really like Rudy. She’s so sweet and friendly, and she’s an easy character to attach and connect to. : )

I’m super excited that it looks like we’re coming close to a point when the story of the police begins to interact with the storyline of Olivia and her acquaintances—I have no idea where developments are going to go from here on out, but I’m excited to find out what’s going to happen. I’m especially curious to see what Olivia’s going to do about the fact that Rudy has been dragged into the scene. After all, she’s not only an innocent but a good friend of Olivia’s, yet she’s another person who wants to know about the murder and is the person with the most interaction and connection with Olivia—I have a feeling things are going to go bad for this relationship. XD I’m also excited about the encounter with the police—I can’t imagine what Olivia’s going to tell them, and I’m caught up in trying to figure out what her plan is, if she has one at all.

Quick nitpicks below~:

We both had been so much passionate about each other,

wearing one of her everything-is-all-right smile.

I rubbed my eyes, till my view was limpid.

Remember...come alone

LOL.

This chapter is quite well written, but Olivia's character is off, and a few of the details.

She killed a girl. She took a gun, tied her to a chair, and shot her. With her bitterness something like that could only have been coldly contemplated. In that case why should a phone call from the LAPD be so unexpected. She seems like the kind of girl who would already have a story and an alibi by now.

If her crime was one of anger, it doesn't make much sense that she would want to tease the police by asking such an inappropriate question like 'How are you so sure it's a she and not a he.' Inappropriate questions put people under suspicion.

It seems illogical that if Amanda was tied up before being shot, the police would suspect that it was a crime of passion. Crimes of passion happen quickly and with no contemplation.

Hey
Here as requested
I'm sad to say that I have gotten here to late and that you already have some really good detailed reviews over your grammar and such things. I love the description though, even though sometimes it feels like info dumping but that could just be me.

Really good, interesting story-line

Have a good day,
Tiffany

Hey Shubhi!

Well, there are already tons of detailed reviews, so I'll just leave a quick comment.
Generally, you don't use LOL and such jargon in the narrative. It doesn't look good to read, unless it's some chat messages you're typing out. Also; since it is part of her thoughts, italicize it.
And your dialogue writing is improving. Keep working.

~Lava

EDIT: Post in my WRFF thread for the next chapter.

Hey, I really enjoyed this chapter. I'm getting annoyed with Olivia and I hope she gets caught and justice is served! Everyone else seemed to catch all the grammar mistakes and Skins made a very good comment about the clumps of dialogue. Break up description with dialogue and break up dialogue with description (if that makes any sense).

Keep writing!

Embee.

That was helpful Isha.

shubhiloves2write wrote:Chapter-6
Olivia
8:13 AM

I thought that it was going to be the last time I would hear her voice, or see her. I heard it again. As I was sleeping on the rugged four poster bed, I dreamt of her. Amanda’s words echoed in my mind,” Please tell me you’re joking.” Amanda’s face was clear now, I could see the tension and panic spread across her facevRepeated face. Try replacing it with "it" or something else., which no doubt, was acting as an adrenaline for me an adreniline what? It might be just me, but this doesn't sound right unless there's something after/before it. Like... 'source of' or 'adrenaline factor' . There was faint blackness all around, and only a faint bulb flickering somewhere to glow the surrounding up a bit Double usage of faint... Try replacing one maybe?. A drop of tear rolled down her blushed cheeks. I don't know why, but I like that sentence.

Suddenly, all I could see was the tear growing bigger and bigger in size, each passing second until it burst and a spectrum splayed all over my vision. The colours were vivid; the rainbow colours were least of my interest now. I wanted to know where she was. But then, white lights surrounded my next image and I felt a sudden breeze blowing and cooling down the volcano of anger I had stored inside for Amanda. Everything felt serene and peaceful as two little girls, hand in hand, giggling and running on a beach became my next screen. One of the two girls was a blonde whilst other had lovely black wavy hair. I wasn’t able to see their faces as they were facing the other side. The girls were running ashore to play with sand and make their castle. The setting sun’s orange rays formed a pattern on the sky of which’s beauty could not be elucidated. It seemed like the sky was the canvas and someone was painting it with orange poster colour. The two girls in frenzy, turned towards me. The two joyful little girls were nobody else but Amanda and me in our happy days, the days when we had no competition but just love. The blonde was Amanda and the other girl, was of course me. Amanda had reddish cheeks and hazel eyes while I had brown eyes. We both had been so much passionate about each other, we cared so much for each other in our childhood, but now when we had reached maturity, we behaved like kids or rather she did The last bit was a little awkward to read... the "Or rather she did" Could be revised and put into a whole other sentence.. The love we had felt for each other had died a long while ago, but somehow the strings holding it together didn’t break, until yesterday.

“There’s a phone for you,” Rudy’s faint voice rang in my ears.
“I am serious,” I was replying back to Amanda in my dream, oblivious that there was more than one listener to my answer.
“I’m being serious too. Wake up,” Rudy grunted. Suddenly, I came back to realty and heard the voice I wanted now mostwas to listen. The voice which anytime could assure me that everything was all right and I didn’t need to worry anymore. The voice of Rudy.
I could hear Rudy’s voice now more clearly. I blinked open my eyes to see Rudy sitting besides me, wearing one of her everything-is-all-right smiles. I rubbed my eyes, till my view was limpid.
“What is it, Rudy?” I asked her after getting up.
“There’s a phone for you from LAPD.” She told me while handing my cell phone to me.
“For me?” I asked to reassure myself whether I had heard the right thing or not. Rudy nodded as I took my tiny cell phone from her hands.
“Hello,” I said to my caller.
“Ms. Olivia Jones?” A female voice greeted me.
“Speaking,” I said in a monotone.
“Good morning, Ms. Jones. Its Officer Chloe, Officer Sean Kerr’s assistant. I’m so sorry about what happened yesterday.” There was no actual sympathy in her voice; just a formal edge to her tone.
“Thanks. What can I do for you?” I asked, looking at the tiny wall clock put up on the wall in front of me. It read 8:15 PM. I had barely slept for three hours.
“We need you to come down here at the station,” she replied.
“Why? I mean, when?” I asked in haste.
“As soon as you can come. We need you here for investigation.”
“I’ll come within… an hour. Will that be okay?”
“That would do, Ms. Jones. We’ll be waiting for you. Remember...come alone,” she hissed.
“I’ll be there,” I said and with that she hung up the phone, without saying anything else.
Rudy’s face was tense; she was definitely scared due to the call.
“Why did they call?” she asked, biting her lips. This beauty looked terrible now; her mascara was spread all around her eyes, she wore no lipstick or lip gloss and her hair was still a mess.
“They want me to go them for the investigation. I’ll be back soon.” I smiled and put my right hand on hers. I couldn’t bear to see her so distressed now; she deserved much better than this. Much better than grieving for the Amanda who never cared for her. After all, hardly you find true friends these days. She tried to smile too, but happiness and smiles were far away from her now, it seemed.


I dressed up in my loose pink top and drain-pipe jeans and tried my best to put minimal make-up so as to still look in a grieving state. I looked at myself in the mirror; I was looking perfect for a person to be in outrage, in deep distress. My eyes were a bit swollen because I didn’t sleep well but in a way it was good, as everybody would think that I had spent my whole night crying.
I could smell the sweet smell of pancakes in the air. Rudy’s pancakes were the best ones I had ever tasted. I started enjoying the smell, my feet couldn’t stop themselves from approaching the dining table and neither could I. After taking a last look in the mirror, I came out of the small smothering bathroom. I have always felt that even if your house is small, your bathroom or rather washroom, as its called nowadays, should always be big, having good air ventilation system. But I could see that nothing was there for Rudy; neither a big house nor a bathroom (Oops, washroom). What more could one expect from a lowly paid assistant director? It was very infernal to see talented people like Rudy and me suffering, while useless people like Amanda enjoying everything one could ever dream of.
I followed the sweet scent of pancakes and reached the small but immaculate dining area where Rudy greeted me with an encouraging smile which did little to boost me up, but I was impressed by the efforts she was putting in to make me feel comfortable.
“Good morning, finally.” She said as she summoned me to sit down at one of the chairs.
I couldn’t help but pass back a smile to her for showing so much generosity to me.
“The pancakes smell great.” I said as I took in the sweet scent.
“I hope they taste great too,” she said. She brought a plate filled with pancakes from the oven and kept it on the dining table. Rudy was looking much better now, though not her real self. She had taken the trouble of putting up a lipstick, the puce shade and had tied her unwashed hair in a ponytail, which for sure gave her a neat look.
“When did you get up, Rudy?” I asked her as I pampered myself with three pancakes.
“I don’t remember,” she said, on her way to the kitchen to get the bottle of honey.
She was so gloomy that she didn’t even remember when she went to sleep or woke up. Her sobs, to my relief, had stopped now, but still I could feel the depression spread in every corner of the house, in every part of her mind like a virus.
She kept the bottle of honey on the table and then sat down on the chair, to join me.
“Are you ready to go?” she asked while serving herself two pancakes.
I nodded only, as I didn’t want to say anything and ruin my pancake moment.
“Should I come along with you?” she asked, her lips in a pout. She brought the fork with pancake close to her mouth but stopped it halfway on receiving a no from me. “I can come, Olivia. It won’t be much of a problem.” She was heavily disappointed. How much I wanted to see a smile on her face, even if a short one, by letting her come with me, but I was helpless. Chloe had asked me to come alone and I didn’t want to go against the police and also put Rudy into trouble. She can go through one more heartbreak, I thought to myself as I finished the second pancake on my plate.
“She asked me to come alone,” I said.
“Who she?” she asked in surprise.
“Officer Chloe, Chief’s assistant. She asked me to be there alone. I hope you understand,” I told her.
“I understand Olivia, but it’s not safe for you to be alone. The murderer is still out on loose. He could be hunting you down. Let me come with you.” The poor girl was planning to save me from the ruthless murderer. LOL. hahaha! I loved loved loved the usage of the LOL in there! Wonderful! Save someone from herself? There couldn’t have been a better joke than this.
“How are you so sure it’s a he and not a she?” I asked, pushing my head a little closer to her; I was very inquisitive to learn her verdict on this.
“Of course it is a he. Don’t you see… it’s a crime of passion? why would some female kill Amanda?” She came up with a lame excuse, which just clicked an idea inside my mind. An idea, that could save me.
"Maybe,” I replied silently, still eating the third pancake. I had eaten a very heavy breakfast that day.

Rudy’s eyes were locked onto something. Her eyesThey were darting nervously around her plates.
“What is it?” I asked.
She suddenly jumped on her seat as if she had heard a ghost.
“I just…don’t feel safe now. I think I can be next,” she cried out.

Thanks to all of you guys. The next chapter is in progression. But first I need to complete my History chapter.

Hey Shubi, so sorry about the wait. I'm very bad when it comes to promising this, but I'm here aren't I. I read every single chapter so far and have to say; you've done a mighty good job. I will do a review for this one though.

I dreamt of her. Amanda’s words echoed in my mind,” Please tell me you’re joking.”

A drop of tear rolled down her blushed cheeks.

shubhiloves2write wrote:I thought that it was going to be the last time I would hear her voice, or see her. I heard it again. As I was sleeping on the rugged four poster bed, I dreamt of her. Amanda’s words echoed in my mind, ”Please you put the quote marks in the wrong place. tell me you’re joking.” Amanda’s face was clear now, I could see the tension and panic spread across her face, which no doubt, was acting as an adrenaline for me. There was faint blackness all around, and only a faint bulb flickering somewhere to glow the surrounding up a bit. A drop of tear rolled down her blushed cheeks.

Suddenly, all I could see was the tear growing bigger and bigger in size, each passing second until it burst and a spectrum splayed all over my vision. The colours were vivid; the rainbow colours were least of my interest now. I wanted to know where she was. But then, white lights surrounded my next image and I felt a sudden breeze blowing and cooling down the volcano of anger I had stored inside for Amanda. Everything felt serene and peaceful as two little girls, hand in hand, giggling and running on a beach became my next screen. One of the two girls was a blonde whilst the other had lovely black wavy hair. I wasn’t able to see their faces as they were facing the other side. The girls were running ashore to play with sand and make their castle. The setting sun’s orange rays formed a pattern on the sky of which’s beauty could not be elucidated. I like this sentence. It seemed like the sky was the canvas and someone was painting it with orange poster colour. The two girls in frenzy, turned towards me. The two joyful little girls were nobody else but Amanda and me in our happy days, the days when we had no competition but just love. The blonde was Amanda and the other girl, was of course me. Amanda had reddish cheeks and hazel eyes while I had brown eyes. We both had been so much passionate about each other, we cared so much for each other in our childhood, but now when we had reached maturity, we behaved like kids or rather she did. This is a run-on. Please revise. The love we had felt for each other had died a long while ago but somehow the strings holding it together didn’t break, until yesterday.

“There’s a phone for you,” Rudy’s faint voice rang in my ears.
“I am serious,” I was replying back to Amanda in my dream, oblivious that there was more than one listener to my answer.
“I’m being serious too. Wake up,” Rudy grunted. Suddenly, I came back to realty and heard the voice I wanted now most to listen. Ugh. Unnatural. The voice which anytime could assure me that everything was all right and I didn’t need to worry anymore. The voice of Rudy.
I could hear Rudy’s voice now more clearly. I openedthis works better my eyes to see Rudy sitting besides me, wearing one of her everything-is-all-right smile. I rubbed my eyes, till my view was limpid.
“What is it, Rudy?” I asked her after getting up.
“There’s a phone for you from LAPD.” She told me while handing my cell phone to me.
“For me?” I asked to reassure myself whether I had heard the right thing or not. Rudy nodded as I took my tiny cell phone from her hands.
“Hello,” I said to my caller.
“Ms. Olivia Jones?” A female voice greeted me.
“Speaking,” I said in a monotone.
“Good morning, Ms. Jones. Its Officer Chloe, Officer Sean Kerr’s assistant. I’m so sorry about what happened yesterday.” There was no actual sympathy in her voice; just a formal edge to her tone.
“Thanks. What can I do for you?” I asked, looking at the tiny wall clock put up on the wall in front of me. It read 8:15 PM. I had barely slept for three hours.
“We need you to come down here at the station,” she replied.
“Why? I mean, when?” I asked in haste.
“As soon as you can come. We need you here for investigation.”
“I’ll come within… an hour. Will that be okay?”
“That would do, Ms. Jones. We’ll be waiting for you. Remember...come alone” shesince this is after a quote, and it isn't the pronoun I, this should be lowercase. hissed.
“I’ll be there,” I said and with that she hung up the phone, without saying anything else.
Rudy’s face was tense; she was definitely scared due to the call.
“Why did they call?” she same as above asked, biting her lips. This beauty looked terrible now; her mascara was spread all around her eyes, she wore no lipstick or lip gloss and her hair was still a mess.
“They want me to go them for the investigation. I’ll be back soon,” I smiled and put my right hand on hers. I couldn’t bear to see her so distressed now; she deserved much better than this. Much better than grieving for the Amanda who never cared for her. After all, hardly you find true friends these days. She tried to smile too, but happiness and smiles were far away from her now, it seemed.


I dressed up in my loose pink top and drain-pipe jeans and tried my best to put minimal make-up so as to still look in a grieving state. I looked at myself in the mirror; I was looking perfect for a person to be in outrage, in deep distress. My eyes were a bit swollen because I didn’t sleep well but in a way it was good, as everybody would think that I had spent my whole night crying.
I could smell the sweet smell of pancakes in the air. Rudy’s pancakes were the best ones I had ever tasted. I started enjoying the smell, my feet couldn’t stop themselves from approaching the dining table and neither could I. After taking a last look in the mirror, I came out of the small smothering bathroom. I have always felt that even if your house is small, your bathroom or rather washroom, as its called nowadays, should always be big, having good air ventilation system. Run-on sentence. But I could see that nothing was there for Rudy; neither a big house nor a bathroom (Oops, washroom). What more could one expect from a lowly paid assistant director? It was very infernal to see talented people like Rudy and me suffering, while useless people like Amanda enjoying everything one could ever dream of.
I followed the sweet scent of pancakes and reached the small but immaculate dining area where Rudy greeted me with an encouraging smile which did little to boost me up, but I was impressed by the efforts she was putting in to make me feel comfortable.
“Good morning, finally.” She said as she summoned me to sit down at one of the chairs.
I couldn’t help but pass back a smile to her for showing so much generosity to me.
“The pancakes smell great.” I said as I took in the sweet scent.
“I hope they taste great too,” she said. She brought a plate filled with pancakes from the oven and kept it on the dining table. Rudy was looking much better now, though not her real self. She had taken the trouble of putting up a lipstick, the puce shade and had tied her unwashed hair in a ponytail, which for sure gave her a neat look.
“When did you get up, Rudy?” I asked her as I pampered myself with three pancakes.
“I don’t remember,” she said, on her way to the kitchen to get the bottle of honey.
She was so gloomy that she didn’t even remember when she went to sleep or woke up. Her sobs, to my relief, had stopped now, but still I could feel the depression spread in every corner of the house, in every part of her mind like a virus.
She kept the bottle of honey on the table and then sat down on the chair, to join me.
“Are you ready to go?” she asked while serving herself two pancakes.
I nodded only, as I didn’t want to say anything and ruin my pancake moment.ruin my pancake moment. Best line in the chapter.
“Should I come along with you?” she asked, her lips in a pout. She brought the fork with pancake this doesn't sound natural. close to her mouth but stopped it halfway on receiving a no from me. “I can come, Olivia. It won’t be much of a problem.” Sheis this a new sentence? If not, change to lowercase. I can't tell from here. was heavily disappointed. How much I wanted to see a smile on her face, even if a short one, by letting her come with me, but I was helpless. Chloe had asked me to come alone and I didn’t want to go against the police and also put Rudy into trouble. She can go through one more heartbreak, I thought to myself as I finished the second pancake on my plate.
“She asked me to come alone,” I said.
“Who she?” She asked in surprise.
“Officer Chloe, Chief’s assistant. She asked me to be there alone. I hope you understand,” I told her.
“I understand Olivia, but it’s not safe for you to be alone. The murderer is still out on loose. He could be hunting you down. Let me come with you.” The poor girl was planning to save me from the ruthless murderer. LOL.I don't think that's allowing in narratives... Save someone from herself? There couldn’t have been a better joke than this.
“How are you so sure it’s a he and not a she?” I asked, pushing my head a little close to her; I was very inquisitive to learn her verdict on this.
“Of course it is a he. Don’t you see… it’s a crime of passion? why would some female kill Amanda” she came up with a lame excuse, which just clicked an idea inside my mind. An idea, that could save me.
‘Maybe,” I replied silently, still eating the third pancake. I had eaten a very heavy breakfast that day.

Rudy’s eyes were locked onto something. Her eyes were darted nervously on her plates.
“What is it?” I asked.
She suddenly jumped on her seat as if she had heard a ghost.
“I just…don’t feel safe now. I think I can be next,” she cried out.Indeed you should't you are looking right at the murderer. Nice ending.

Sorry I'm late, but I'm her now. Okay Skins as always made some great nitpicks but missed a few stuff.

shubhiloves2write wrote:Chapter-6
Olivia
8:13 AM

I thought that it was going to be the last time I would hear her voice, or see her. I heard it again. As I was sleeping on the rugged four poster bed, I dreamt of her. Amanda’s words echoed in my mind,” Please tell me you’re joking.” Amanda’s face was clear now, I could see the tension and panic spread across her face, which no doubt, was acting as an adrenaline for me. There was faint blackness all around, and only a faint bulb flickering somewhere to glow the surrounding up a bit. A drop of tear rolled down her blushed cheeks.

Suddenly, all I could see was the tear growing bigger and bigger in size, each passing second until it burst and a spectrum splayed all over my vision. The colours were vivid; the rainbow colours were least of my interest now. I wanted to know where she was. But then, white lights surrounded my next image and I felt a sudden breeze blowing and cooling down the volcano of anger I had stored inside for Amanda. Everything felt serene and peaceful as two little girls, hand in hand, giggling and running on a beach became my next screen. One of the two girls was a blonde whilst other had lovely black wavy hair. I wasn’t able to see their faces as they were facing the other side. The girls were running ashore to play with sand and make their castle. The setting sun’s I don't think the apsotrophe S is needed. orange rays formed a pattern on the sky of which’s beauty could not be elucidated. It seemed like the sky was the canvas and someone was painting it with an orange poster colour. The two girls in a frenzy, turned towards me. The two joyful little girls We know that they are litte girls already so there is no need to state it again. were nobody else but Amanda and me in our happy days, the days when we had no competition but just love. The blonde was Amanda and the other girl, was of course me. Amanda had reddish cheeks and hazel eyes while I had brown eyes. We both had been so much passionate about each other, we cared so much for each other in our childhood, but now when we had reached maturity, we behaved like kids or rather she did. The love we had felt for each other had died a long while ago but somehow the strings holding it together didn’t break, until yesterday.

“There’s a phone for you,” Rudy’s faint voice rang in my ears.
“I am serious,” I was replying back to Amanda in my dream, oblivious that there was more than one listener to my answer.
“I’m being serious too. Wake up,” Rudy grunted. Suddenly, I came back to realty and heard the voice I wanted now most to listen. The voice which anytime could assure me that everything was all right and I didn’t need to worry anymore. Voice of Rudy.
I could hear Rudy’s voice now more clearly. I blinked open my eyes to see Rudy sitting besides me, wearing one of her everything-is-all-right smiles. I rubbed my eyes, till my view was limpid.
“What is it, Rudy?” I asked her after getting up.
“There’s a phone for you from LAPD.” She told me while handing my cell phone to me.
“For me?” I asked to reassure myself whether I had heard the right thing or not. Rudy nodded as I took my tiny cell phone from her hands.
“Hello,” I said to my caller.
“Ms. Olivia Jones?” A female voice greeted me.
“Speaking,” I said in a monotone.
“Good morning, Ms. Jones. Its Officer Chloe, Officer Sean Kerr’s assistant. I’m so sorry about what happened yesterday.” There was no actual sympathy in her voice; just a formal edge to her tone.
“Thanks. What can I do for you?” I asked, looking at the tiny wall clock put up on the wall in front of me. It read 8:15 PM. I had barely slept for three hours.
“We need you to come down here at to the station,” she replied.
“Why? I mean, when?” I asked in haste.
“As soon as you can come. We need you here for investigation.”
“I’ll come within… an hour. Will that be okay?”
“That would do, Ms. Jones. We’ll be waiting for you. Remember...come alone” She hissed.
“I’ll be there,” I said and with that she hung up the phone, without saying anything else.
Rudy’s face was tense; she was definitely scared due to the call.
“Why did they call?” She asked, biting her lips. This beauty looked terrible now; her mascara was spread all around her eyes, she wore no lipstick or lip gloss and her hair was still a mess.
“They want me to go them for the investigation. I’ll be back soon,” I smiled and put my right hand on hers. I couldn’t bear to see her so distressed now; she deserved much better than this. Much better than grieving for the over Amanda who never cared for her. After all, hardly you find true friends these days. She tried to smile too, but happiness and smiles were far away from her now, it seemed.


I dressed up I don't think this is needed in my loose pink top and drain-pipe jeans and tried my best to put minimal make-up so as to still look in a grieving state. I looked at myself in the mirror; I was looking perfect for a person to be in outrage, in deep distress. My eyes were a bit swollen because I didn’t sleep well but in a way it was good, as everybody would think that I had spent my whole night crying.
I could smell the sweet smell of pancakes in the air. Rudy’s pancakes were the best ones I had ever tasted. I started enjoying the smell, my feet couldn’t stop themselves from approaching the dining table and neither could I. After taking a last look in the mirror, I came out of the small smothering bathroom. I have always felt that even if your house is small, your bathroom or rather washroom, as its called nowadays, should always be big, having good air ventilation system. But I could see that nothing was there for Rudy; neither a big house nor a bathroom (Oops, washroom). What more could one expect from a lowly paid assistant director? It was very infernal to see talented people like Rudy and me suffering, while useless people like Amanda enjoying everything one could ever dream of.
I followed the sweet scent of pancakes and reached the small but immaculate dining area where Rudy greeted me with an encouraging smile which did little to boost me up, but I was impressed by the efforts she was putting in to make me feel comfortable.
“Good morning, finally.” She said as she summoned me to sit down at one of the chairs.
I couldn’t help but pass back a smile to her for showing so much generosity to me.
“The pancakes smell great.” I said as I took in the sweet scent.
“I hope they taste great too,” she said. She brought a plate filled with pancakes from the oven and kept it on the dining table. Rudy was looking much better now, though not her real self. She had taken the trouble of putting up a lipstick, the puce shade and had tied her unwashed hair in a ponytail, which for sure gave her a neat look.
“When did you get up, Rudy?” I asked her as I pampered myself with three pancakes.
“I don’t remember,” she said, on her way to the kitchen to get the bottle of honey.
She was so gloomy that she didn’t even remember when she went to sleep or woke up. Her sobs, to my relief, had stopped now, but still I could feel the depression spread in every corner of the house, in every part of her mind like a virus.
She kept the bottle of honey on the table and then sat down on the chair, to join me.
“Are you ready to go?” She asked while serving herself two pancakes.
I nodded only, as I didn’t want to say anything and ruin my pancake moment.
“Should I come go along with you?” She asked, her lips in a pout. She brought the fork with pancake close to her mouth but stopped it halfway on receiving a no from me. “I can come, Olivia. It won’t be much of a problem.” She was heavily disappointed. How much I wanted to see a smile on her face, even if a short one, by letting her come with me, but I was helpless. Chloe had asked me to come alone and I didn’t want to go against the police and also put Rudy into trouble. She can go through one more heartbreak, I thought to myself as I finished the second pancake on my plate.
“She asked me to come alone,” I said.
“Who she?” She asked in surprise.
“Officer Chloe, Chief’s assistant. She asked me to be there alone. I hope you understand,” I told her.
“I understand Olivia, but it’s not safe for you to be alone. The murderer is still out on loose. He could be hunting you down. Let me come go with you.” The poor girl was planning to save me from the ruthless murderer. LOL. Save someone from herself? There couldn’t have been a better joke than this.
“How are you so sure it’s a he and not a she?” I asked, pushing my head a little close to her; I was very inquisitive to learn her verdict on this.
“Of course it is a he. Don’t you see… it’s a crime of passion? why would some female kill Amanda” She came up with a lame excuse, which just clicked an idea inside my mind. An idea, that could save me.
‘Maybe,” I replied silently, still eating the third pancake. I had eaten a very heavy breakfast that day.

Rudy’s eyes were locked onto something. Her eyes They were darted nervously on her plates.
“What is it?” I asked.
She suddenly jumped on her seat as if she had heard a ghost.
“I just…don’t feel safe now. I think I can be next,” she cried out.

Hey again shubhi
You know the drill.

I want to mention something first though!
This is kind of off topic, sorry! I've noticed that you don't post your writing in a story format. Because of this, it's kind of hard to tell when a new paragraph starts. What I mean is, you know the layout of my stories? There's, like, a gap between every paragraph. It's a lot easier to read if you set your post so that it's in that kind of format. What you have to do is edit your post, then on the bottom of the page, there should be options saying 'default', 'poem', 'story', 'None'. You have to click story.

I've print screened it for you from one of my chapters! Scroll down on the image until you reach the bottom. You will notice that I circled a section which says 'story' in red. That's what you have to click to make your story's layout easier to read. Sorry about the oversized images, photobucket wouldn't let me resize them. To apologize, I drew a bald man on it for you. This is how you do it ~

I thought that it was going to be the last time I would hear her voice, or see her; but I heard it again. As I was sleeping on the rugged four poster bed, I dreamt of her. Amanda’s words echoed in my mind,” Please tell me you’re joking.” Amanda’s face was clear now, I could see the tension and panic spread across her face, which no doubt, was acting as an adrenaline for me. There was faint blackness all around, and only a faint bulb flickering somewhere to glow the surrounding up a bit. A teardrop rolled down her blushed cheeks.

Suddenly, all I could see was the teardrop growing bigger and bigger in size, each passing second until it burst and a spectrum splayed all over my vision. The colours were vivid; the rainbow colours were least of my interest now. I wanted to know where she was. But then, white lights surrounded my next image and I felt a sudden breeze blowing and cooling down the volcano of anger I had stored inside for Amanda. I liked this description! Everything felt as serene and peaceful as two little girls, hand in hand, giggling and running on a beach became my next screen. One of the two girls was a blonde whilst the other had lovely black wavy hair. I wasn’t able to see their faces as they were facing the other side. The girls were running ashore to play with sand and make their castle. The setting sun’s orange rays formed a patternin the sky of which’s beauty could not be elucidated. I really liked this too! It seemed like the sky was the canvas and someone was painting it with orange poster colour. The two girls in frenzy, turned towards me. The two joyful little girls were nobody else but Amanda and me in our happy days, the days when we had no competition but just love. The blonde was Amanda and the other girl, was of course me. Amanda had reddish cheeks and hazel eyes while I had brown eyes. We both had been so [color=#FF0000]much passionate about each other, we cared so much for each other in our childhood, but now when we had reached maturity, we behaved like kids or rather she did.[/color] This sentence was a bit long. Try shortening it? The love we had felt for each other had died a long while ago, but somehow, the strings holding it together didn’t break, until yesterday.
Although I loved your description in this paragraph, it was awfully long! Try turning it into more than one paragraph, just so it's easier for the reader.

“There’s someone on the phone for you,” Rudy’s faint voice rang in my ears.
“I am serious,” I was replying back to Amanda in my dream, oblivious that there was more than one listener to my answer.
“I’m being serious too. Wake up,” Rudy grunted. Suddenly, I came back to reality and heard the voice I wanted nowmost to listen. The voice which anytime could assure me that everything was all right and I didn’t need to worry anymore. The voice of Rudy.
I could hear Rudy’s voice now more clearly. I blinked open my eyes to see Rudy sitting besides me, wearing one of her everything-is-all-right smile. I rubbed my eyes, till my view was limpid.
“What is it, Rudy?” I asked her after getting up.
“There’s someone on the phone for you from LAPD.” She told me while handing me my cell phone to me.
“For me?” I asked to reassure myself whether I had heard the right thing or not. Rudy nodded as I took my tiny cell phone from her hands.
“Hello,” I said to my caller.
“Ms. Olivia Jones?” A female voice greeted me.
“Speaking,” I said in a monotone.
“Good morning, Ms. Jones. Its Officer Chloe, Officer Sean Kerr’s assistant. I’m so sorry about what happened yesterday.” There was no actual sympathy in her voice; just a formal edge to her tone. I liked this line.
“Thanks. What can I do for you?” I asked, looking at the tiny wall clock put up on the wall in front of me. It read 8:15 PM. I had barely slept for three hours.
“We need you to come down here at the station,” she replied.
“Why? I mean, when?” I asked in haste.
“As soon as you can come. We need you here for investigation.”
“I’ll come within… an hour. Will that be okay?”
“That would do, Ms. Jones. We’ll be waiting for you. Remember...come alone.” She hissed.
“I’ll be there,” I said and, with that, she hung up the phone, without saying anything else. You don't really need that last part. It doesn't flow very well!
Rudy’s face was tense; she was definitely scared due to the call.
“Why did they call?” She asked, biting her lips. This beauty looked terrible now; her mascara was spread all around her eyes, she wore no lipstick or lip gloss and her hair was still a mess.
“They want me to go them for the investigation. I’ll be back soon,” I smiled and put my right hand on hers. I couldn’t bear to see her so distressed now; she deserved much better than this. Much better than grieving for the Amanda who never cared for her. After all, you hardly ever find true friends these days. She tried to smile too, but happiness and smiles were far away from her now, it seemed. This was another line I liked.


I dressed up in my loose pink top and drain-pipe jeans and tried my best to put minimal make-up so as to still look in a grieving state. I looked at myself in the mirror; I was looking perfect for a person to be in outrage, in deep distress. My eyes were a bit swollen because I didn’t sleep well but in a way it was good, as everybody would think that I had spent my whole night crying.
I could smell the sweet smell of pancakes in the air. Rudy’s pancakes were the best ones I had ever tasted. I started enjoying the smell, my feet couldn’t stop themselves from approaching the dining table and neither could I. After taking a last look in the mirror, I came out of the small smothering bathroom. I have always felt that even if your house is small, your bathroom or rather washroom, as its called nowadays, should always be big, having good air ventilation system. This sentence was rather long. But I could see that nothing was there for Rudy; neither a big house nor a bathroom (Oops, washroom). What more could one expect from a lowly paid assistant director? It was very infernal to see talented people like Rudy and me suffering, while useless people like Amanda enjoying everything one could ever dream of. This last bit sounded weird. Amanda is dead so how can she be enjoying something? Dead people tend to struggle with that. Maybe rephrase it?
I followed the sweet scent of pancakes and reached the small, but immaculate, dining area where Rudy greeted me with an encouraging smile which did little to boost me up, but I was impressed by the efforts she was putting in to make me feel comfortable.
“Good morning, finally.” She said as she summoned me to sit down at one of the chairs.
I couldn’t help but pass back a smile to her for showing so much generosity to me.
“The pancakes smell great.” I said as I took in the sweet scent.
“I hope they taste great too,” she said. She brought a plate filled with pancakes from the oven and placed it on the dining table. Rudy was looking much better now, though not her real self. She had taken the trouble of putting on some lipstick, the puce shade and had tied her unwashed hair in a ponytail, which for sure gave her a neat look.
“When did you get up, Rudy?” I asked her as I pampered myself with three pancakes.
“I don’t remember,” she said, on her way to the kitchen to get the bottle of honey.
She was so gloomy that she didn’t even remember when she went to sleep or woke up. Her sobs, to my relief, had stopped now, but still I could feel the depression spread in every corner of the house, in every part of her mind like a virus. This sentence was once again long, but I liked it!
She put the bottle of honey on the table, and then sat down on the chair, You don't need this comma. to join me.
“Are you ready to go?” She asked while serving herself two pancakes.
I simply nodded, as I didn’t want to say anything and ruin my pancake moment.
“Should I come along with you?” She asked, her lips in a pout. She brought the fork with pancake close to her mouth but stopped it halfway on receiving a no from me. “I can come, Olivia. It won’t be much of a problem.” She was heavily disappointed. How much I wanted to see a smile on her face, even if a short one, by letting her come with me, but I was helpless. Officer Chloe had asked me to come alone and I didn’t want to go against the police and also put Rudy into trouble. She can go through one more heartbreak, I thought to myself as I finished the second pancake on my plate.
“She asked me to go alone,” I said.
“Who she?” She asked in surprise.
“Officer Chloe, Chief’s assistant. She asked me to be there alone. I hope you understand,” I told her.
“I understand Olivia, but it’s not safe for you to be alone. The murderer is still out on loose. He could be hunting you down. Let me come with you.” The poor girl was planning to save me from the ruthless murderer. LOL. Meh.. I don't like text talk in a proper piece of writing. Instead of LOL, say something like ~ That was ironic; save me form myself? Save me from myself? There couldn’t have been a better joke than this.
“How are you so sure it’s a he and not a she?” I asked, pushing my head a little close to her; I was very inquisitive to learn her verdict on this.
“Of course it is a he. Don’t you see… it’s a crime of passion? why would some female kill Amanda?” She came up with a lame excuse, which just clicked an idea inside my mind. An idea, that could save me.
‘Maybe,” I replied silently, still eating the third pancake. I had eaten a very heavy breakfast that day.

Rudy’s eyes were locked onto something. Her eyes were darted nervously on her plates.
“What is it?” I asked.
She suddenly jumped on her seat as if she had heard a ghost.
“I just…don’t feel safe now. I think I might be next,” she cried out.