Published May 22, 2014
Susie ran her delicate hands through her golden hair, and picked up her rag. “I think I should get back to work. With Merida acting the way she is, I don’t want to get my boss angry by slacking on work.”
Kinnard nodded. “Of course. But there are hardly any guests. Perhaps you could get a break and take a walk outside?”
Susie hesitated. Kinnard smiled reassuringly. “Don’t worry, I won’t harm you. But on these dusty and barren plains, with horses as the only company, it gets very dull.”
She let a small smile escape from her lips. “'orses aren’t the best of talking companions are they?”
Kinnard laughed heartily. No indeed.” He stood and grabbed his cloak. “I’ll be outside tending to my horses. If you do get a break, I’d love to see you again.”
With that he was out the door. He tossed his black cloak on the wagon seat, and went around the back of the wagon where he kept the horses’ food. He pulled out the leather sack and hauled it to the front. Both of the gentle beasts nickered softly as he opened it up. He untied the top and let them both munch softly on the oats.
He patted their big soft noses, which they thoroughly enjoyed, and when they had finished eating, he replaced the sack of feed.
“Good girls,” he said, rubbing both of the buckskin-colored horses. He climbed back up into the wagon seat and reached for another white sack, this on much smaller. Inside were three wedges of goat cheese, two small loaves of bread, and three green apples. He pulled out one of each and made a short meal of it.
Nothing like good food to make a man happy. He had just replaced the sack when he heard the tavern door open and close. He turned around and saw Susie standing on the porch.
She had a hand up to block the glare of the sun out of her eyes, and waved to Kinnard. “’ello again.”
He hopped down from the wagon seat and strode to the porch. “Hello.”
He stuck out a hand and this time she took it much quicker. He released it when they had reached the bottom of the steps. Susie stepped over to the horses and began to pet them. “They're pretty animals. Do they have names?”
“Yes they do. The one you are rubbing, the slightly taller of the two, is Mable, and the smaller one is Winifred.”
Susie smiled and Winifred scooted closer, nuzzling her shoulder.
“She’s an attention lover,” Kinnard said, stepping up and stroking Winifred’s mane.
“They look so alike.” Susie said.
Kinnard nodded. “Yes. Twins actually. One of the rarest of occurrences I personally know of. Their mother died after they were born. I came along two years later and bought them.”
“Poor creatures. It must have been hard for them to survive without a mother.”
“Yes. But they are strong animals. And when the going gets tough, the tough get going. That’s what they did.”
Susie turned to pet Winifred, who was still desperately trying to get all the attention she could. “You are such a selfish, cute creature, aren’t you?” She spoke in a babying voice.
Winifred shook her head happily, snorting. Susie giggled and Kinnard smiled. “I don’t mean to be rude, but how did you come to a place like this, out in these plains, working for very little I assume?”
Susie looked down.
Kinnard’s face turned apologetic. “I’m sorry. If you don’t want to talk to it to me that’s fine. I understand that we’ve only just met. It’s just that I would like to help you if I could.”
Susie looked up. “’elp me?”
“Yes. You see I am part of a religion that teaches us to help those in need. Anyone, no matter what they are like, and what their background is.:
“I never cared much for religion. Praying never seemed to ‘elp my situation. Besides, 'ho says any religion is real, or better then another.” Susie folded her arms. Not in stubbornness. It almost looked more like in hopelessness.
“These are good questions to ask yourself.,” Kinnard said. “Believing only what others tell you is a foolish way to live your life. You have to go out and find it for yourself. I am traveling back to my home state of Reheim in the neighboring country, Holden. The center of my god’s worship is in the mountains there.
“I used to feel like you do. I thought “gods” were stupid. I didn’t think they existed. But when I met a woman who showed me the truth, it drastically changed my life. I realized that the there was a creator, who has made us all.”
Susie shifted on her feet. “ ‘ow do you know this god exists?”
“We worship him on the very spot where he began the creation of the world. Atop Mount Crusto! There, when he formed the world, he left a mark in the rock. The shape of a triangle.”
“How do you know it was not done by man or beast?”
Kinnard laughed. “There is no man who could have done it. For the first explorers to top the mountain found it already there, on a plateau. It was nearly fifty feet tall, and half as wide.”
Susie’s face was one of confusion. “But ‘ow do you know it was done right by a god?”
“It glows with something never seen before by man. A constant fire. Neither rain nor snow can douse it. And in that mountain lives the god himself.”
“You’ve seen this god!” Susie’s interest perked up. Her eyes had a glimmer in them Kinnard hadn’t seen before. She unfolded her arms as well.
“Yes!” Kinnard replied with as much enthusiasm as he could muster, “but he looks like no mortal. He is . . . a dragon. A monstrous beast. And yet he never harms his followers. He gives us blessings and protects us. He has thousands of troops that protect his mountain!”
“Troops?” Susie’s eyes were now as big as saucers, as she leaned forward in anticipation.
“Yes. Thousands of dragons that roam the mountain, protecting his followers. He welcome those from all walks of life. He may scare you at first, but you cannot judge a book by its cover, or a person by their face. “He grinned. “Nor a dragon by its scales.”
“And what must you do to follow him?”
“You must faithfully serve him. Look to help others come to the realization that he is All-Supreme and must be worshipped. You must go to the mountain twice every year, and pray to him each day. That is all he asks. He does not force you to make oaths, other than that you faithfully serve and follow him.”
Susie stood there, somewhat in a daze. It sounded so surreal! It sounded so free though. You merely have to visit his mountain twice a year and pray to him. That didn’t sound hard.
Kinnard waited patiently. She is awed but she is still unsure. “Do not feel forced to come under his service this instant. Allow me to take you to the mountain. It is time for me to return for the first “Worship on the Mount” as we call it. Travel with me; see if you are willing to follow him in service.”
Susie thought it over. I don’t have to make a decision. And I could get away from this old ugly tavern. “Could Merida come with us?”
Kinnard opened his arms wide. “Of course! All are welcomed.”
“Then . . . I’ll come with you. No commitments you understand.”
Kinnard nodded and grinned. “Yes, of course. He forces no one, and so neither will I. We must leave at sun-up though, so you best prepare this evening.”
She visibly found that distasteful.
“Remember the saying.” He encouraged, “the early bird gets the worm!”
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Merida?

Okay, now I have an image in my head that our Brave little princess (see what I did there?) gave up the throne and became a bar wench after the events of that movie and gets her kicks fighting unruly customers...
Um, okay. So the big thing I have for this chapter is this. I like that you introduced religion in a fantasy world, because although religious belief is part of virtually every culture in the real world, it often gets left out in fantasy. Which is fine, but adding it in makes your story unique.
However, it weirded me out when Kinnard was suddenly like, "I'm a man of religion, and I'm so interested in you because I want to help you/bring you to salvation/whatever." We've been in his viewpoint for the entire chapter, yet his pronouncement to Susie is the first we ever get even a hint of his religious nature--which, considering that he is a man of deep faith, is kind of weird.
He doesn't have to TALK about his religion before this--that's fine. But when he's in the bar and becomes interested in Susie and tries to stop those customers from fighting Merida, it would be a good idea to give us some of his thoughts as pertaining to his faith. It doesn't have to be an in-depth "I am a man of religion, and I want to save this girl," but at the very least he should be thinking about it a little or use expressions like "By the Dragon" or something like that, like the way people use God's name in real life. ("By God," "thank God," "oh my God," "God's wounds" even though now we just say "swounds.") Or he could pray, just in his head. Or...I mean, we at least need to get some inkling of the fact that he's interested in HELPING Susie, not just hitting on her because she's pretty, because until he comes out and tells her he's a man of religion, it seems like that's what he's doing.
So that's my big comment for this bit. I'm cool with the religious aspect; just the way it was handled was weird.
Blue
aka your loving mother
thank you mummy, those are some good points I'll work on in post!
I didn't know twin horses were rare and, not that I doubted you, I fact checked it and it said the chances of twin horses is 1 in 100,000 (and even rarer that they survive past infancy), so putting that next to the 1 in 90 chance of being a twin that people have, that's pretty rare. That's really interesting.
I know you split the chapter into two parts, but I'd suggest letting each part be its own stand alone chapter since this part has such a different feel than the first part. In fact, the character, Kinnard, almost seems like a different person. In the first one he's tough- ready to spring into a bar fight for Merida, and disenchanted- bemused by the cheating man, but in this one he seems enlightened, peaceful, calm. I'm not saying he can't be tough and calm and enlightened, but I'd work a bit on making these two sides of Kinnard mesh a bit more.
I like where this piece is going, I like the quiet moment with the horses; it's good to have moments without too much tension in your novel and the part with the horses provides a nice break. I think the witnessing part is pretty solid; Kinnard comes across as genuinely excited and loyal to this dragon, and Susie is expectedly skeptically hopeful (I might add a bit more skepticism if I were you though, to make it slightly more realistic. Kinnard is a stranger and it seems like she's had a hard life; she's probably mistrustful of anything that sounds too good to be true.)
I like where you're going with this. Keep it up.
-tgirly
First off why would Kinnard need two horses? Does he use one as a pack horse? I like it when Kinnard says, "When the going gets tough, the tough get going." But I beg to differ about horses not being the best talking companions; what about Tug and Abelard? They're hilarious.
I think am beginning to see how this is an allegory now. Keep this story up!
he has two horses cuz he has a wagon full of stuff! The phrase was because i am in a contest and i had to use that phrase to get more points xDD And yes, Tug and Abelard are exception
Hey! So, I know I already reviewed this chapter when you first posted it, so I'll try not to repeat myself too much. I won't really say much about grammar, since @Noelle found most of them I think. There were a couple others that I noticed, but they were mainly just like spacing errors or leaving off a letter. Minor things. I'm loving their manner of speech! Especially Susie's. However at times hers seems inconsistent. Some of the time she talks normally, and some of the time she has an accent. Kind of confusing. But, it's cool to know that some writers think about how people spoke in that time period. I'm also enjoying the talk about gods. Especially since you don't capitalize Kinnard's god. That lets us know he's not the one true God. I don't know if I already said all this, but those are my thoughts upon re-reading it.
READ ALL OVER!
(I couldn't resist)
PeanutPhoebe,
Also Known As
Knight Celestia
Hi there!

So you finally got the right chapters posted in the right order. Good. I shall pick up my reviews from where I left off then
I don't usually do nitpicks, but I do have a few for you. Sorry xD
That's the wrong "then". It should be 'than'. Than is comparative, then is time related. Keep that in mind.
You forgot the starting quotation marks. This isn't a huge deal, just a typing error I'm sure.
The word 'gods' here shouldn't be in quotation marks. If you put it in quotation marks, it seems like Kinnard doesn't believe in them either. But he does believe in gods, especially his god. So you have to get rid of those quotation marks.
The same thing here with these quotation marks. If that's what it's called then that's what it's called. No need to put it in quotations.
Alright, so now we've switched from Castor and Miles to different characters.. Well, we already had that switch in the first part of the chapter, but you know what I mean. I do wonder how they will fit in with the story. They don't seem to have any connection to Castor and Miles yet. I do hope there will be one soon, otherwise it'll just feel like two completely different stories in one.
So normally I would comment on the large amount of dialogue, but I think it works well her. Kinnard is trying to convince Susie to come along with him to this mountain and worship his god. In order to do that, he needs to tell her everything so she'll believe him. And that's exactly what happens. It's chapters like these where a lot of dialogue is needed. But don't get too used to it because too much dialogue can be overwhelming. Make sure to keep up a balance in future chapters.
Do we know how old Susie is? Maybe I missed it, but I'm not sure how old she is. She seems like a quiet teenage girl to me, which makes this whole situation creepy. Here comes Kinnard, this man, trying to convince a little girl to run away with him. Doesn't that seem wrong to you? I'd suggest really describing Susie more and telling us her age so it all makes more sense.
Alrighty then, onto the next chapter!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**