Eos, Chapter 3: The Underground

by Mea

Published July 25, 2018

12+

In Multiplicity

Dameon arrived at the park at exactly 8:05 p.m. Panting slightly, both from the uphill ride and from relief that he wasn’t that late, he dismounted, pushed his bike into the bike lot, and quickly chained it up. He checked his watch again — no, Jade hadn’t messaged him. Presumably that meant their plan to meet was still a go.

The air was cool, with a unusual bite for a summer’s night, even in Canada. The park, tucked away between two skyscrapers, was only two blocks long, but a rim of thick trees along the outside created the illusion of isolation. Dameon shoved his hands into his jacket and jogged up the concrete pathway. The sun hadn’t quite set yet, but the park was cast in a twilight that lent another layer of privacy to the woods.

Jade was waiting on the open field in the center, of course. A grassy hill too rounded to be used for sports, but perfect for sledding in the winter. Or stargazing in the summer, as Jade appeared to be doing. She lay sprawled on her back, arms outstretched, gazing at the sky.

“Hey,” Dameon said once she was within earshot.

“You’re here!” she said, raising herself onto her elbows and checking her watch reflexively. “Ah, good, we have time.” She fell back onto the grass, patting the ground beside her. Dameon raised an eyebrow.

“Stargazing in the city? It’s hardly even dark.”

“Waiting for that first one is always the best. And in the meantime, cloud gazing works too. Come on. This grass is too comfortable not to enjoy it for a minute.”

“If you say so,” Dameon said, but he did lay down, stretching his legs down the gentle slope. It did feel nice. As much as he loved leading a search-and-rescue team, you could never stay long enough to enjoy all the beautifully wild places of ruined America. Then again, this grass was far from wild.

“Say something,” Jade said, still staring at the sky.

“Like what?” Dameon asked.

“I don’t know — oh! What did Commander Davidson want earlier?”

Dameon’s fingers dug into the packed dirt at his side. “It was Dan who wanted to talk to me. Gregory brought him. President Samuel sent him to make me an offer.”

General Maxwell?” Jade rolled over to look at him, eyes wide. People never quite got used to the fact that Dameon was technically on first name terms with most of the uppermost level of the government, considering they were all duplicates of him or his brother. Not that he liked speaking to them.

“Yep.” She had been curious from the start about why a Dameon had deliberately excluded himself from Samuel’s inner circle — everyone who met Dameon was. He had long since told her about their offer and his rejection, though not all of the reasons why.

“The same as the first time?”

“Pretty much.” He decided not to tell her about the specific mission they wanted him for. He wasn’t sure how classified that information was.

“And what did you say?”

“What do you think? Dan’s a good guy, so I didn’t tell him to go to hell, but that’s as good as he’s going to get from me.”

“Hm.” She bit her lip, mulling over something. “Do you think they’ll keep bothering you about it?”

“Not if they know what’s good for them.”

“I guess not.” She rolled onto her back again, and at that moment her watch beeped — she’d received a text. Texting here, like so much else, was a shadow of what Dameon was used to back home. Rather than dozens of competing systems to connect people anywhere from relatives to complete strangers under both real names and pseudonyms, each person was assigned one account on the phone system when they turned eight. Through this account, and always under your real name, you could text or video call anyone who allowed you to by putting their fingerprint on your watch. The whole thing was entirely government-sponsored, and Dameon was sure they analyzed every word of the texts sent for red flags.

Jade frowned as she read the message. She typed a brief note in reply.

“Who was it?” Dameon asked when she lowered her arms and let out a sigh, looking back up at the stars.

“My sister. She got the results of her aptitude tests.”

“Not good news?”

“No. She had her heart set on Engineering. She got Accounting instead. She thinks she didn’t do well enough on the physics portion.” Jade sighed. “Just nerves, you know? But now it’s all decided. She starts next week.”

“That’s awful.” Dameon closed his eyes. But not unexpected.

“Yeah. I mean, maybe the system works and ninety percent of people wind up happy with what they get and she’s just an edge case, but it’s not about that, you know? It’s about the choice.”

Dameon nodded.

Jade’s hands closed around tufts of grass as if she wanted to rip them up by the roots. Then she came to a decision. Her gaze left the stars, and she jumped up in one smooth motion, holding out her hand to Dameon. “It’s late enough. Let’s go.”

Dameon took her hand and climbed to his feet, both concerned and curious. They must be going to see what she had refused to tell him earlier..

Her hand was warm in his, her frame silhouetted against the darkening sky. She paused. “Do you trust me, Dameon?”

“What kind of question is that?” Dameon demanded. Yes, he trusted her. She hadn’t turned him in when she’d seen the gun.

She gave a half laugh. “Yeah. It’s silly. It’s just that… you can’t tell anyone where I’m taking you tonight. Not Gregory, not anyone. Not even a hint.”

“Right. Just like you can’t tell anyone about” — he dropped his voice, because you could never be sure your watch’s microphone wasn’t on — “what I had earlier today.”

She exhaled. “Yeah. Okay. I trust you. Not to be dramatic, but people’s lives will depend on your silence. This is your chance to back out.”

“I’m game,” Dameon said firmly. Suspicion tingled in the back of his mind. Lives were supposedly at stake. She had decided to take him somewhere after learning that he possessed an illegal gun in direct defiance of the government. Neither of them had ever made any secret of their frustration for Samuel’s government. She could be taking him to meet anywhere from a couple black market sellers to an entire revolution waiting to happen. How overdramatic was Jade being? Samuel didn’t execute people for black-market capitalism.

Jade’s smile spread into a grin. “I hoped you would be. We’re going to need to leave our watches here,” she announced. “Geotracking. It’ll look like we’re spending a nice night in the park together.”

Jade didn’t have a penchant for drama except as a joke. This took it too far. “You’re serious,” Dameon said. “About all of it.”

“Deadly.” She took her watch off. “Come on, I know a good hiding place near a bench. I’ve done it plenty of times and it’s never been found.”

“If you say so,” Dameon said, unstrapping his own watch and following her down the hill.

Comments & reviews · 6
User avatar
Carlito
Review
Carlito wrote a review Review · Sep 20, 2018

Hello again!! Slowly going to catch myself up again :)

Have you read the Uglies series? This still feels a little like Uglies to me but only in small ways. What made me think that this time was how the watches track them and are also used as highly-regulated communication devices. The mechanism is different in Uglies but they have a similar situation.

As a whole I'm going back and forth about this segment. On the one hand I don't think you can skip right into showing this thing that Jade wants to show him. I like that you bring in an element of suspense that it's top secret and life is at stake here. So I think you need some kind of scene here to transition from the Gregory stuff to this Jade stuff.

I think my qualm is that it felt like a lot of Easter eggs were dropped and a lot of little hints at things were dropped, and you know how I feel about a well-place Easter egg, but I thought it felt a little confusing. Eggs I've felt so far/plot points: the fact that this is the bottom and you can't go up from here, Jade/Dameon shipping, the gun, Gregory's proposal, the dupe situation, Dameon's brother and the falling out situation/he doesn't want to be involved with the high-ups for some reason, the rebel group situation, Jade's sister's situation, the government is tracking them, and Jade's secret. That's a lot for three chapters!

I think going forward definitely keep a scene here, but maybe simplify it or streamline it and wait to introduce some of the plot points or eggs so that it doesn't feel like so many details to keep straight for the reader. I'm sure there is a ton of other info that you need to add or want to add and you're already reigning yourself in as much as possible because I know you :) Maybe keep it simple here and only have Dameon process the offer with Jade and then have her present what they're going to do and how dangerous it is?

I'm excited to see what she has though and if this has anything to do with the gun! Let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention and I'll be back for more soon! :D

Mea replied · Sep 20, 2018

I totally get how you feel about the Easter eggs. I'm really proud of all the hints I managed to place in here because it's something I'm trying to learn how to do, but at the same time I'm starting to realize just how stupidly complicated my plot is. This is meant to be a trilogy, so some of these things won't pay off for a long time, and I'm guessing what I should do is minimize those things until I get closer to the reveal. The problem is, I don't have the fully trilogy plotted out lol so I don't know what will be revealed when. xD

User avatar
ExOmelas
Review
ExOmelas wrote a review Review · Aug 2, 2018

Hey Mea, stiiiill hiding...

Nit-picks:

The air was cool, with a unusual bite for a summer’s night, even in Canada.

I'd kind of figured out that Vitas was basically Canada, but did you mean to call it Canada here? Unless I'm wrong in what I thought stuff was equivalent for, of course.

Overall:

For ages I was expecting to say at this point that the cloudgazing was very random and seemed to only be there to keep engineering the chemistry between Dameon and Jade, which I'm not sure is the smoothest thing in this story so far. Like, it's not terrible, but it seems here like Jade is into Dameon also, which I hadn't got before, which just makes it seem a bit messy. But then with leaving the geotrackers there, I'm thinking maybe it was to establish cover or something?

Something I am starting to become concerned with is the government. If the enemy is a standard big controlling government, I don't think that's going to do justice to the inventiveness of this worldbuilding. Like, years ago me and Mess planned a story where he wanted China to be the baddie and attack America and I was like - why would China do that? And he just insisted they would because they were expansionist. I'm a little worried that the communists(?) are baddies here just because they're communists, which just seems a bit beige.

In terms of lower level plot though I'm really into it. Equality points for strong confident woman leading the man into the revolution :P I'll be very intrigued to see what is actually happening here and what Dameon gets wrapped up in, and if he eventually develops conflicting loyalties involving Dan and other decent humans on the government side.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)

User avatar
Panikos
Review
Panikos wrote a review Review · Jul 31, 2018

Hi, Mea! Back again to review, still at my usual snail pace. This chapter was worth my wait, so I hope the review is worth yours.

Small Comments

He checked his watch again — no, Jade hadn’t messaged him. Presumably that meant their plan to meet was still a go.


Not a criticism at all, but this moment made me realise just how different Dameon is to me. If someone doesn't text me in advance of plans, my brain starts to assume that I've got the whole thing wrong and none of it is going ahead, or that I got completely the wrong day, month, or year. He's just logical and assured. It kind of made me laugh. He's clearly not an anxious soul.

Jade was waiting on the open field in the center, of course


I wasn't sure about the 'of course'. Why of course? Considering that this meeting is someone secret, I'd almost expect her to wait somewhere more secluded.

General Maxwell?” Jade rolled over to look at him, eyes wide. People never quite got used to the fact that Dameon was technically on first name terms with most of the uppermost level of the government, considering they were all duplicates of him or his brother. Not that he liked speaking to them.

“Yep.” She had been curious from the start about why a Dameon had deliberately excluded himself from Samuel’s inner circle — everyone who met Dameon was. He had long since told her about their offer and his rejection, though not all of the reasons why.


I feel like the distribution of exposition around the dialogue is somewhat off. Given that Dameon says 'Yep', it feels odd to launch back into talking about Jade. The 'Yep' feels like it breaks the flow, as well, because it's kind of plonked in the middle of the exposition. You could rejig it to something like:

General Maxwell?” Jade rolled over to look at him, eyes wide.

"Yep," Dameon said.

People never quite got used to the fact that Dameon was technically on first name terms with most of the uppermost level of the government, considering they were all duplicates of him or his brother. Not that he liked speaking to them. Jade had been curious from the start about why Dameon had deliberately excluded himself from Samuel’s inner circle — everyone who met Dameon was. He had long since told her about their offer and his rejection, though not all of the reasons why.


You might need to make some subtle changes to that last paragraph to increase the cohesion between the two topics, but I think this works better than the previous structure.

“Yeah. I mean, maybe the system works and ninety percent of people wind up happy with what they get and she’s just an edge case, but it’s not about that, you know? It’s about the choice.”


This feels a bit too obvious, like you're forcing the reader interpret this information the way you want them to. You could tone it down a bit while keeping the same sentiment. If she just said 'Yeah. Just wish she got more of a choice, y'know?' or something similar, I think we'd catch her feelings without it being too on the nose.

“It’s late enough. Let’s go.”

Dameon took her hand and climbed to his feet, both concerned and curious. They must be going to see what she had refused to tell him earlier..


I don't think you need this. Given the emphasis you've already placed on this meeting and Jade wanting to show him something, I think the reader will easily be able to tell why she's jumped up.

Overall Thoughts

1) This is probably my favourite chapter since the first one. It's nicely paced and the conversation between Jade and Dameon feels natural, aside from a few minor hiccups. There's a clear mystery and the exposition is integrated cleanly. At the moment, I feel quite confident in my hunch that Jade is somehow involved with these people near Texas, but I'm not sure if you're leading me up the garden path or not. Either way, I'm not sure how Dameon would react if it was something rebellious, because while he is quietly opposed to Samuel's government, he doesn't seem like the kind of guy who'd dive head first into a revolution, either. I'm curious, though. Dameon might trust Jade, but I'm not sure I do.

2) Your description is pretty well done in this chapter, but it still feels a little cold. You could do with more sensory detail, perhaps in relation to the texture of the grass or the smell of the park or the temperature. I wish there was a bit more of a personal flavour in the narration sometimes too, because I think it would help with characterising Dameon if we could almost see his perspective intruding on the third person POV. At the moment, you lay each scene out with a rather methodical air, and while it's perfectly serviceable narration, it doesn't exactly excite me.

3) Am I right in remembering that Dameon is attracted to Jade? While I'm glad that it's not swamping the narrative, I feel like that side of their dynamic is being rejected slightly. The fact that I've almost forgotten about it suggests that it isn't playing on his mind quite enough. Then again, I'm not sure if it's emotional attraction or if he just thinks she's kind of hot.

That's all for this review! I feel like I was surprisingly negative considering that I really enjoyed reading this. The chapter felt very smooth and nicely put together, and it immersed me enough that I came down to earth with a bump when it finished. Yes, there are a few things to work on - I am growing slightly uncertain about your setting, as I think it's coming across as almost too classically dystopian - but for the most part I'm just enjoying the ride. Looking forward to the next bit.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan

Mea replied · Aug 1, 2018

Thank you as always! I'm glad you're still enjoying the ride - I'm afraid you're kind of going to have to put up with a lot of minor inconsistencies or me just not really capturing the atmosphere of the setting or accidentally dropping subplots... this is a more complicated story than I've ever tried to write, and so I'm just sort of muddling through trying to figure out what I want out of it. xD

(Dameon's feelings for Jade is one of those things. I really don't know if I want them to end up in a relationship or not.

Panikos replied · Aug 1, 2018

Yeah, that's fair enough. Redrafting is all about figuring out what you do and don't want to include. :)

User avatar
Kazumi
Review
Kazumi wrote a review Review · Jul 29, 2018

Hi Mea. It's 48 minutes left before the end of Review Day and I'm like kinda rushing to get one in, but I'll do my best to maintain quality while being efficient.

First little thing I noticed, the em-dash. I believe convention uses them in this way—without any spaces between the words before and after.

Second, I just gotta give you credit for the descriptions of the park in the beginning. It doesn't surrender at all to the common phrases and idioms used by everyone (like "in between" instead of "tucked away between two skyscrapers," so it's got it's own flavor and feel. I did feel that at least some effort was put into imagining the setting surrounding the characters in the most detail and reaching into the inner recesses of the mind for the very best words to bring it to life. I know this may be just standard for a lot of us who've been writing for a long time, but I guess I'm appreciating it more because lately I've been reading the writings of my friends. Believe me, they're kinda cliche in describing a lot of times.

Third, I guess it's worth suggesting a sort of summary at the beginning of each chapter for the benefit of us reviewers. Sadly novels here are only posted in fragments, so we readers often read it out of order. Totally not how novels are usually read. Maybe it would help a lot if you provide some brief recaps (like what some anime do at the beginning of the episode or what's written at the back of the book) so that we reviewers can prime ourselves to review, know some important events that happened prior to this chapter, and in the end make more helpful reviews for you guys.

Yeah, I know this isn't my usual quality. But still, I hope this review gave you a few ideas. Maybe helped iron out your writing a little more. The writing is real solid though, as in the surface aspect like grammar and descriptions and flow and stuff. Like so solid I had a pretty smooth time reading this, so no complaints.

Happy Review Day. I hope you keep going with this thing.

-kazu3

Mea replied · Jul 30, 2018

Thank you very much! Yeah, I neglected to put a chapter summary, and I should really start doing that. No worries on not having much to say - you telling me what I'm doing right is also helpful. :)

User avatar
Nenchjre
Comment
Nenchjre commented Comment · Jul 25, 2018

I can tell that you're a real savant of the arts. The flow of your dialogue is great. The setting descriptions are extremely detailed, although detail and flow aren't all of it. Stories are substitutes for people's experiences. Live lots. See much.

Mea replied · Jul 25, 2018

Thank you for the kind words! I'm glad you liked it. :)

User avatar
Nenchjre
Comment
Nenchjre commented Comment · Jul 25, 2018

I can tell that you're a real savant of the arts. The flow of your dialogue is great. The setting descriptions are extremely detailed, although detail and flow aren't all of it. Stories are substitutes for people's experiences. Live lots. See much.



Human minds are more full of mysteries than any written book and more changeable than the cloud shapes in the air.
— Louisa May Alcott