Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
“We’ve got a heat signature!” Dameon barked, tapping a finger on the infrared monitor. “Six o’clock and twenty, five hundred meters.”
“Acknowledged,” replied the new pilot beside him, a woman a bit younger than Dameon, maybe twenty-five. She brushed back long brown hair with one finger as she punched numbers into the hoverjet’s guidance systems. June — that was her name.
The hoverjet shuddered as its wings rotated into landing position. Dameon vaulted out of his seat and punched the button to open the cockpit door. It slid open, revealing a redhead zipping up a radiation suit in the lounge room that made up the main body of the hoverjet. Her curly hair whipped across her face as she threw Dameon’s suit at him with a grin.
Dameon caught it with a grunt, the lead-lined suit heavy for its size. “You have the first-aid kit?”
“Right here. And a ‘thank you’ for the suit wouldn’t hurt either.” She winked at him. Jade was the other member of Dameon’s search-and-rescue team — the medic, or as Dameon liked to tease her, the “CPR guy.”
“Inefficient,” Dameon fired back, stepping into the suit and zipping it up in one fluid movement. Anticipation tingled through him. You always knew you were in for an exciting time when you had to wear the rad suits.
“Honestly, Dameon, it’s not a life-or-death race.” Jade had pulled her stun gun carefully from its holster and was checking its settings.
Dameon did the same. “In New York, it is. The number of times I’ve told them they should give us real guns for priority ones… Remember Rockport?”
Jade gave him a sidelong glance as she holstered her gun again. “Yes, I do.” She gave a slight shudder. “And New York is worse. The stories don’t scare you?”
The stories of massive, twisted dogs, cats, and rats, mutated by a combination of radiation and the Ecclasia virus, prowling the streets of ruined New York for forty years? “Scare me? Darling,” Dameon drawled, knowing it would make her laugh, “they’re what’s exciting me.”
He felt it. The adrenaline, the heady rush of danger. A goal in mind, a weapon in hand, something to fight for. Everything exhilarating about his old FBI days with none of the… drawbacks. His mind shied away from those. Separate them. That was the only way to stay sane.
He put his hand to his chest. The outline of a hard object pressed against his torso. Just in case.
The hovercraft landed with a soft jolt. “Let’s go out there and get them,” he said, shouldering his emergency pack and checking his gun and communicator one last time.
Jade took a deep breath. Her spine straightened, her shoulders thrown back. Her hair she briskly pulled into a tie, and her face set into a look of fierce determination. There she was. The warrior. His teammate and best friend. Maybe, one day, something more. God, she was hot when she had her game face on.
Then she checked her portable infrared and swore loudly. The moment collapsed in on itself; Jade was just Jade again — Dameon almost laughed at himself for thinking anything more. He fumbled with his own infrared scanner, squinting at the tiny display. The warm red dot was moving out of view. “He’s running?”
“Yeah. He’s going to fall into a pool of acid rain and get himself killed. Permission to move out?”
“Granted,” Dameon said, following her down the short hallway and to the door at the back of the hoverjet. The door hissed open, and Dameon scanned a ruined New York, stun gun in hand.
Rubble. Hundreds of feet in every direction, nothing bigger than half-skeletons of smaller buildings, which twisted, jagged into the sky. The pilot had landed on top of a small plateau that might have once been a plaza. Now, it was a minefield of crumbled rock and acidic pools.
“Hurry,” Jade urged. “We’ll lose him. He’s heading southwest.”
They picked their way through the debris that coated the ground, much of it so twisted and charred that Dameon could hardly tell if it was metal or concrete. Raised bumps pockmarked each piece of rubble, remnants of bubbles of gas that had formed and burst in the bomb’s intense wave of heat.
Before Dameon had arrived in Layer 32, he had only seen pictures of the devastation an atomic bomb could cause. They’d only been used twice back home in Layer 7, and both cities had been rebuilt for decades. Here, half a dozen cities throughout the world were covered in rubble just like this, and that hadn’t even been the deadliest killer of humanity in the last hundred years.
“What’s our approach?” Dameon asked Jade, to get his mind off of what something that could do that to cement could do to human skin.
“Play up the rescue aspect, obviously,” she responded immediately, skirting the edge of a puddle. “No way for us to look completely non-threatening with this gear. Tell him the truth — if he stays here, he’s got radiation sickness in in a day. He’s dead in two days, especially if he drinks anything. Don’t mention the monsters, though. He probably won’t believe — “
Jade broke off as a gust of wind whistled between the rubble, carrying with it the sound of… something… sliding over the ground, mixed with a sound like leaves — or limbs — rustling. Dameon spun. “Something’s nearby.”
It could be hiding anywhere — the rubble was a nightmare from a security standpoint. Too many places to hide; it made Dameon’s skin crawl.
“Run?”
Dameon shook his head. “Let’s not attract attention yet.”
They reached the edge of the plaza and jumped down two feet into what must have been the street. “There,” Jade said, pointing. “He’s in there.”
On the other side of the street, a one-story building rose, a solid mass against a too-flat horizon. Sheltered by a skyscraper, it had survived the blast with four walls standing and only half the roof collapsed. A straight line slashed the front wall in half, one side of the wall bleached white, the other a faded gray.
“Weird paint job,” Dameon murmured.
“No, it was all one color,” Jade shook her head. “The flash… bleached it.”
Dameon swallowed and glanced behind him, towards the epicenter.
“Dameon, sir,” the voice crackled on Dameon’s communicator. It was June the pilot. “I’ve been monitoring the wide-range infrared. Be advised that you’re near something… not human. Almost certainly dangerous.”
“Yes, we heard it. Heading and direction?”
“West, thirty degrees and about a hundred meters away. It’s moving towards you, but you still have time.”
“Thank you,” Dameon said in a clipped voice.
They had crossed the street and were stepping up to what must have once been a door, probably of sliding glass. Only a twisted lump remained.
Dameon lifted his foot to step over it. Jade put a hand on his shoulder. “Wait. Put the stun gun away.” She had already holstered hers. “Non-threatening, remember?”
“I know.” Dameon glanced down at his gun. It felt so good to hold it. His hand twitched. With that thing out there… But he did as she said.
“Hello?” he called, stepping into the building proper and squinting into the shadows under a tangle of rotting wood. “We’re rescuers,” he called. “Our scanners detected you when you… appeared here, and we’re here to take you somewhere safe.”
There. Huddling behind a large piece of rubble at the back corner of the store, a flash of blue jeans.
“We aren’t going to hurt you,” Dameon said, taking another step towards the corner. “You can probably tell the air is acidic. Do your lungs ache? If we don’t get you out of here, it’s going to start burning your skin in a few hours. We have food and a transport. We’ll take you to our city.”
A face eased around the edge of the rubble. “I just want to go home. Can you send me home?” It was a young woman. She looked Hispanic, with long, glossy hair, and she sounded like she’d been crying. She couldn’t have been more than sixteen.
“We’ll do what we can,” Jade said. Dameon shot a glance at him. Don’t lie to her, he mouthed.Even if it calmed her now, at some point she would have to be told the truth just like Dameon had been told: that there was no way back to a higher dimension. This was it. Rock bottom.
“How do I know you’re telling the truth?” she asked, voice quavering.
Dameon stepped back and nodded Jade forward. He wasn’t any good at this sort of thing. Jade could coax her out.
Jade took a few steps forward and crouched down, holding her palms out to show she meant no harm. “Trusting us is better than staying here,” she encouraged. “Are you hurt? I have a first aid kit.” She lifted it to show the girl.
The girl took her time, but responded. “Only scrapes and bruises. But… my eyes are prickly. It hurts to breathe.”
“That’s the acid in the air. If you come with us right now, you won’t breathe it long enough to hurt you. There’s radiation here, too, but we have medicine that will counter the effects.”
The girl nodded, considering. “What happened here? How did I get here?”
“We’ll explain both of those things the moment you’re safely in our ship and treated with antirads,” Jade said in the same patient tone. Dameon smiled, watching. It was working. He’d seen it time and time again. The girl would walk out with them in a minute.
“Dameon,” June said, an edge to her voice.
“Not now,” muttered Dameon. What if the girl heard? Jade had shuffled forward a few feet and was reaching out her hand in silent invitation. A moment passed.
“It — whatever it is — it’s right outside!” June cried.
The girl took Jade’s hand.
A high screech pierced the air.
“We’ve gotta go.” Jade heaved the girl up, supporting her with one arm over her shoulder when she staggered. “Step where I step,” she told her. “Be careful of the puddles.”
“Other exits?” Dameon said curtly. The girl nodded, face pale. “Back this way.”
“I distract it, you take her,” Dameon ordered Jade.
He charged through the front door, hand automatically darting to his holster and drawing his gun. At first, he couldn’t see anything, just rubble. Then the thing pounced.
A blur of mottled gray shot past Dameon. He dove to the side. It barely missed him,sprawling in a heap of limbs behind Dameon, but scrambling to its feet before Dameon could shoot it.
The thing leered at him, a mutant dog with a squat snout and lanky, horribly misshapen legs. Its patchy fur bristled and its bare skin was pockmarked with angry, weeping sores. It head was level with Dameon’s shoulder, bared teeth growling nearly at eye level with him.
It crouched to spring again, and Dameon shot it in the head.
The thing flinched back with a whimper, but only for a moment before lunging at him.
Damn it! The setting was too low. Why hadn’t he put it on the highest in the first place? Moving on instinct, he stumbled backwards, thumb flicking the radiation setting to the highest, and shot the beast again.
It stiffened, but still crashed into Dameon, knocking him over, its claws tearing at his radiation suit as it writhed in pain.
Dameon struggled free, climbing to his feet and shooting the thing again. Time. He had to buy time. He vaulted over the creature and landed on the ground at a run, scanning the area to find Jade. She and the girl had made it across the street and were easing around a large puddle, only a hundred meters from the hoverjet.
But the yelps from behind had turned to growls and their pace was painfully slow. The heat gun was just making the thing mad. With those long limbs, that thing was fast. They weren’t going to make it, and next time he shot the thing it would probably push through the pain in its fury and lust for the kill.
He changed course, swerving right to go down the street instead of crossing. Behind him, he heard the mutant’s feet slapping against the stone. The sound was rapidly growing louder.
“Heat gun just makes it mad. Leading it the long way,” Dameon said between labored breaths. The long way meaning to cross the street further down, and come at the plaza from the other side. “Get the girl onboard and be ready to close the hatch when I come through.”
A hard metal object pressed against Dameon’s skin underneath the radiation suit. His secret, one he hadn’t been able to stop himself from bringing, even though it was definitely illegal. Did he dare use it? He threw a glance back. Yes, it was following him and not Jade. Good.
Across the street now, between the rubble of two buildings. He’d get past this block and turn left, and at the end of the alley would be the plaza, and the hoverjet would be right there, the hatch open and waiting. Behind him, the mutant yipped as if it were enjoying the chase. Too close. It was too close.
Dameon pointed his gun behind him and started shooting at random. The thing yelped, but barely stumbled. A rock caught Dameon’s ankle and he almost fell. Now he focused on the ground, trying to keep his balance despite the treacherous footing. When he rounded the corner, putting him on the rear side of the building, he glanced up.
He was running into a dead end.
The alleyway ended in a five foot wall, atop which was the plaza and the hoverjet. He had thought he would only have to leap up a food or two. He had been wrong.
Damn it. The thing would’ve been a breeze to climb, but not when a two-hundred-pound monstrosity was on his tail. Dameon’s heart pounded and his head spun. The thing’s breath was hot on his neck now, spurring Dameon to new speeds. He actually gained a few yards on the creature.
A sharp bark pounded through Dameon and a gust of rank breath was hot on his neck, spurring him to an extra burst of speed. He actually gained a few yards on the creature.
He glanced back. It was loping along easily. It knew he was trapped. The thing was playing with him, tongue lolling out of its mouth, enjoying the chase. Dameon had only one chance.
“God, Dameon!”
Dameon’s heart sank as Jade appeared, peering over the ledge, a look of panic on her face. He shouldn’t do it, not with her watching.
He would have to.
He holstered his gun.
“What the hell are you doing?” cried Jade. “We’ll shoot it at the same time.”
“Timing… impossible,” Dameon gasped, hand darting to the zipper on his suit. The wall loomed in front of him.
“Do you have a better solution!”
He did. Jade would see his secret, but there was no other option. It was shoot or be killed. He ripped his hazmat suit open and plunged his hand into an inner pocket of the jacket he wore underneath. His fingers closed on the barrel of a .22 pistol. His secret weapon. Literally.
The mutant’s teeth snapped at his neck.
The wall. Dameon leapt, spinning in the air to slam against it with his back to the stone. It jarred the breath from him, nearly knocking the gun from his hand, but he seized his right hand with his left and steadied himself long enough to aim — and shoot.
With a crack, the bullet drilled directly into the forehead of the beast, two feet from Dameon.
The mass of the brute slammed into him a second later. The thing had died instantly, but its momentum carried it forward. Fresh pain exploded in Dameon’s side. He gagged, both from the stench and from having the wind knocked out of him twice in about five seconds.
A ragged gasp, then another, a mad scramble to get that thing off him and breathe — and then his lungs filled again and the moment of panic was past. The mutant collapsed in a heap at Dameon’s feet. He leaned back against the wall for support, his ribs still on fire.
“You killed it!” Jade said, shock and excitement in her voice. “I thought you were a goner.”
“You’re safe?” June’s voice came from Dameon’s communicator. “What happened?”
“Lucky shot with the stun gun,” Dameon lied. “It fell and hit its head.” He glanced up at Jade, who raised an eyebrow at the lie, but was actually smiling at him. At his glance, she hesitated, then nodded.
That meant they’d talk about it later, but from that smile… Dameon didn’t think it bothered her that he had an illegal gun.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hey! I don't think I've ever reviewed anything of yours and I'm fairly rusty anyway, so this will be interesting.
I've deliberately not read any previous reviews so there may be some repetition... let's go!
First read-through
I'm just gonna read and then let you know what I'm thinking as I go along, as a reader...
Hm... This feels a bit clunky to be honest.
Ooooh! My ears are already perking up.
I know I don't know what these terms mean, but priority ones as in priority guns? Or...?
LITERALLY PULLED MY CHAIR CLOSER TO MY LAPTOP.
I miiight just be being fussy but I feel like those extra two bits take away the intrigue of what the drawbacks actually are.
Wait, hold on, how old is Daemon if he was in the FBI before? Is he over 60? (Or is this something I will find out...)
Oooh okay I'm really liking the other sci-fi elements that are coming in with all of these hints about alternate realities - definitely not just your average dystopian!
I feel like this tells too much.
I didn't mention this when they first landed, but I was definitely struggling to imagine where they landed, even though everything is rubble. But seeing as they can tell it's a plaza, then I'd definitely want that info a little earlier, as it was getting a bit disorientating...
BUT IT'S NOT HUMAN WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Can air be acidic?
Wait is this the girl or the monster I am worried now
Is the dog rabid? Why is it so aggressive?
Okay, I'd add some clarification it was the gun's setting that's the issue as I wasn't clear on what this was.
This line is repeated
[/quote]
Ooooooh.
Comments
Okay, so I really liked this! I'm quite excited to see where this goes. Definitely gonna read on.
The main thing that struck me throughout the piece is the description and pacing.
Not that there isn't any -- but I can't really imagine where we are? I know you want to up the tempo, but the setting in itself seems quite fascinating and I do feel like I'm missing out on knowing where we are and I'm only getting snippets of it -- and while that's fine, I feel like in this scenario, and especially at the beginning, it just confuses me when the action picks up.
That confusion carries throughout the whole chapter. I like how fast-paced the beginning is, even though I did feel a little lost: not in terms of where I am, but what everyone is doing. But then as soon as they landed, I feel like slowing down the pace would've been quite beneficial and build up that sense of unease, that this is not the New York we know? Perhaps, even, don't mention it's New York until they land? Hide a little info and reeeally creep me out.
I feel like slowing the pace and upping the suspense would really help when they find June, too. That there's this monster or something on the way and damn they're all screwed but they need to find this human too? That slowness will really help ground the reader a little, I think, because if done right my heart will still be racing, even if little is happening -- because of that anticipation. At the moment, it does all feel like a whirlwind of really cool stuff but I can't appreciate it or feel anything quite yet. And then, that way, it'll make the impact of the dog or whatever it is really be truly terrifying. It just feels like a cool action movie at the moment.
That's not to say I'd want any more world-building info because I thought that was done quite well--just enough info for me to be curious and want to read more. Just the situation on the ground is a bit fuzzy for me. Show me how they feel and how they respond in their body language a bit more. Give me a little more detail to paint a picture in my head and make me really terrified to be here
Also, I can tell the characters already have their own distinct personalities from the first chapter and I can't wait to get to know them better.
I hope that helped (and made sense...)! Really looking forward to reading the next chapter!
~ Blues
OKAY I didn't realise this was from February -- I saw it in the Writer's Corner and I liked the blurb so I assumed it was recent. I hope you don't mind :')
Hey Mea, I'm reviewing this in the breaks in a tennis match, so I might not actually get it finished tonight, but let's give it a shot!
Nit-picks:
Thaaaat was a bit sudden. Like, even if that sentence was just a bit longer, as if it wasn't just the next thing in a list. To be fair your sentences after that on the subject are really goodthough. Maybe actually it is okay because his mind does just sort of roll in that direction. Idk, it threw me off for a bit is all.
Pretty sure we've established Jade is a woman
For such a long chapter, that was surprisingly few nit-picks.
Overall:
Well, I think I may have discovered why this didn't get as many reviews as you would like - there's not a lot to criticise! Your characters are believable and just about different enough for a first chapter (though I'm still slightly unsure about the random burst of crushing on Jade - it being almost my first impression made me think he was being creepier than he actually was). Oh, also, Jade and June having such similar names I could imagine become an issue at some stage maybe? Like, if they're having a one on one back and forth conversation? Not a big deal, but hey, that's what you get when you write such a solid first chapter
Setting description is spread out well, and is believable. Though I guess it's not all that difficult to picture post-apocalyptic scenes since they're in media constantly. You have the dimension twist thing though, which makes this stand out at least a bit so far. I'm pretty sure I remember you planning this last year so I know there's more interesting stuff to come as well. You also say just enough about this to give a vague idea about world-building but also keep readers intrigued.
Plot was obviously very close to the chest, so what I'm going to give you is some things that I hope will be in the next chapter: why they knew someone was out there, why someone was out there, why it's their job to go and get them. What doesn't necessarily need explained is how the girl came to be here, how Dameon fell through the dimensions (or anyone else's origin stories). Will obviously follow this piece of feedback up in the next review.
I hope this gushing was vaguely helpful as a confidence boost if nothing else,
Biscuits
Btw, thank you of being part of my 600th review <3
You're very welcome. <3 And thank you so much for the review - I especially found the notes on what you're hoping for in the next chapter really helpful.
i'm glad ^.^
Meaaaaaaa!!! I looooooved this. For real.

Where do I even begin?
Let's talk about the world. I love reading about post-apocalyptic worlds and so far I love the execution here. I like that you mention the layers and the fact that they're currently at the bottom layer with no hope of rising up again. I'm glad that you didn't spend much time explaining that. I remember you mentioning it in the Writers Corner thread and I think even if I hadn't had that context I still wouldn't have felt confused because the world is well-described enough right now that the layers stuff isn't confusing. I love that right now we're in New York (because I've been there many times :p) and because it creates familiarity when we're in an unfamiliar world. I also think that as of now you're striking a good balance with descriptions and not describing too much or too little. I think I have a good picture in my mind of what this world looks like with the acid pools and twisted metal.
I also loved that you brought us right into the action. Literally. It can be tricky starting with such a high-drama, intense scene because the reader doesn't have any context about what's going on or why we should care about the characters. But, I think you balanced it well. Even without much context, I felt excited to read on and see what was going to happen next and I was really excited to see more of the world and learn more about the world. (and not going to lie i sorta felt bad for the mutant dog because what if that used to be someones pet??? :p)
You always do a nice job of adding in what I assume are Easter eggs into early chapters - this potential love connection with Dameon and Jade (you know how I love me a love connection :p) and the facts that guns are illegal (!!! low-key love). And I obviously have so many questions that I'm sure will be answered in future chapters (sooooo many whys).
I feel like I know enough about the characters right now to feel invested to keep reading about them. My only complaint about the characters so far is that Jade and June are super similar names and I can see myself getting them mixed up. I already had to re-read a little bit once Jade got introduced because at first I thought it was a typo, and then I had to do some memory devices like Jade = love interest, June = captain. But you might be too far along to change names at this point, and if that's the case I'll get over it :p
Suuuuper excited to read on! Let me know if you have any questions or if there's something you'd like feedback about that I didn't mention!
They're hit or miss for me, because sometimes they scare me because the world could actually happen someday :p But if they're done well and don't scare me I love them. iRobot (the movie) scared me and I hated it. The Uglies series (book) was my favvvvorite when I was in high school.
<3 <3
Ohmygosh, I loved Uglies too when I was younger! Its opening line is still my favorite thing ever.
yeeees <3
Hi there Mea. This is Kays here dropping in for a review on behalf of my team and for the YWS Olympics, which means I have a solid three hours left to complete the task--let's cut to the chase and begin, shall we?
First off, I wanted to praise the starting sentence of this first chapter as the audience is thrown straight into the dialogue without a large amount of information dumping, which is a pitfall seen early on in other beginnings. As for the second paragraph here, I have a couple of qualms or nitpicks. The description of June brushing her hair back with a single finger is worded in an odd manner and while that image is nice, the flare of the opening line of dialogue isn't quite there. Furthermore, the last sentence in this paragraph also ends up being a little blunt with introducing her name but that's a more stylistic choice. Finally, the phrase 'punched numbers' leaves a concrete image of what's going on in the reader's mind--well-executed word choice there, Mea!
Not sure if 'vaulted' is the best word to use in this instance. Perhaps replace that with 'launched' or another word similar because I looked up the word and both definitions given aren't what your writing suggests the word to mean.
Now onto first impressions. While the opening of this chapter gives off a strong atmosphere due to the utilization of vocabulary and word choice, how the characters are introduced is hit or miss. Dameon's introduction doesn't give off the vibe of an introduction and that's why his is the strongest. As for June and Jade, both of their introductions are much more upfront and unusual. The audience learns about Dameon's character in a passive manner, which is an aspect of this that I liked. Why not introduce one of the two other characters through dialogue? This of course isn't a chapter-breaking issue but feeding the important information to the readers in a consumable way with context clues, hints or by other means is a strong skill to have when writing a novel. There's a missed opportunity with the opening starting off with a bang because the writing ends up being slowed down to introduce the main characters before continuing on. Take advantage of that tone of being thrown right into the action.
Before I move onto the next main point, the last sentence in this paragraph takes a different consistency from the rest of this with the suits being described as 'rad' and the use of the word 'you' in particular. Although this part came off a bit goofy, a unique strength of this chapter is the connection that the reader gains with the main character despite this being in the third person perspective. Rarely have I seen the thoughts and emotions of the main character portrayed clear--nice job on that.
The small suggestion that this isn't the start of their adventure does a lot. This suggests a past between Dameon and Jade and their banter that follows in the next couple paragraphs works well.
However, while this is definitely a positive quality of the chapter, the sheer lack of June is not. Do Dameon and Jade have to hire new pilots often? At the beginning of the chapter when June's introduced the reader's almost made to think this isn't the second pilot on Dameon's search-and-rescue team, or even the third. Do most pilots normally quit because of the amount of pressure on their shoulders? What happened to the last pilot? This and the world, specifically the Ecclasia virus, are currently mysteries to the audience. Maybe there's more of June's character in the second chapter but as of this first chapter, her character's quite weak compared to both Dameon and Jade who we're able to get an impression of through their dialogue and through the two being the main focus in terms of characters so far.
If my predictions about June are incorrect and she's not shown much in this chapter doesn't have her as a focal point, then I'd suggest adding a bit more in with her, enough to have a better sense of how she bounces off the other two. This doesn't need to be extensive of course, and maybe she's kept brief because she is a new pilot? I'm not quite sure. Even then, Dameon can perhaps give his first impression of her when she's introduced, commenting on her skills through thought or another similar approach.
Once Dameon and Jade have exited the hoverjet, there's a sense of tension and fear. The audience's minimal amount of knowledge on the world due to this being early on in the novel is arguably the best part about this chapter. A lot of people, if not all people have felt afraid of the unknown in at least one part of their lives and this completely takes advantage of that. When the girl's introduced, the reader's forced to think that, what if this sixteen year old can't be trusted? What if she's not what she seems? This isn't the case, at least not in this chapter, but the possibility lurks in the back of my mind.
Finally, let's address the action scene with the mutant dog. Four words can summarize the main critique I have on this: Cut down and polish. Fights work better when short and snappy, and though I can understand the reasoning for wanting to make this first encounter with a creature we don't know much about in a world we don't know much about to be of longer length, this drags on for too long. Trim the parts that aren't as necessary and prioritize the most important aspects. As for what I mean by polish, editing can enhance the execution of this part.
Can I be tagged if a second chapter of this comes out? I'm now interested to see where this all goes. Overall, this is a pretty solid first chapter with a handful of issues. The audience knows little to no information about June (this'll probably be fixed soon enough), the action scene can be stronger and the pacing near the end is a little on the slow side. On the bright side, the dialogue in the first half is particularly lovely, the slow and steady worldbuilding is great and the tension that's built off of the absence of information is as well.
If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day, Mea.
So, you're absolutely right - June is a complete non-entity. The reason is, she's not going to stick around very long. I originally had her be a character I'm introducing a bit later, who will be the main pilot during the story and is a much more major character, but it didn't make sense to have her here for various reason although it would be a stronger introduction.
I'm really not sure what to do about June. Try to give her more of a character although she disappears after a couple more scenes? Find a way to make it work with the original character? What do you think?
I'll definitely tag you if I post more chapters! Right now, I'm actually 20k into this novel, but I'm not sure if I'm going to post more chapters, because only a couple people seem interested right now and more importantly I feel like it's really rough. We'll see.
Thanks again. <3
As promised, here is the review!
found first/killed by the rival group. I like how this played out though because the other situations would be more likely to overload the scene with too much information. Instead this scene effectively set up what Dameon's current life is like, what the world is like, and hinted at other important details like the dimensions and Dameon's past. It really had a good balance of information and mysteries.
It was really interesting to read the first part of this after what you'd told me about the story so far. Overall this first chapter was captivating and definitely leaves me wanting to read more. The previous reviewer of this work was incredibly thorough and gave solid critiques, so it'll be a bit difficult for me to find stuff beyond what's already been mentioned.
First off I want to say that you did an excellent job of bringing the reader into this world. You give enough information to hint at what the world is like without drowning them in exposition. The mysteries of how dimensions work in this world are set up and explained enough for the reader to follow the action, but also leaves them wanting to read more. Beyond that, your descriptions of the city really drew me in and I had a very clear picture of what their surroundings were like. The descriptions of the ruined city were vivid and specific. XD I can tell that your Hiroshima visit was on your mind as you wrote this. For me personally that adds an extra layer to the scene since it took me back to my visit there as well.
Your characters are set up to be interesting. I wasn't sure what to expect from this rescue scene as I thought maybe this would be the mission where they found Sam or maybe it would be one where the person they rescue is
Spoiler
Critiques for this piece are difficult to find. I agree with DarkPandemonium that pronoun usage could be a bit better in the passage. The use of names so close to each other was a bit jarring at times.
The first few paragraphs in the introduction also feel a bit off. I think it has to do with what was mentioned in the previous review in that Dameon identifies his companions by their description first, and then their name. I feel like it might be more natural to have their name first and then the description as that is what would make the most sense with the current narrator setting.
That's all I can think of for now. I love this beginning and I'm excited to see where you go with this new world! Happy Writing!
Hi, Mea. Sorry it's taken me a few days to get to this. As I mentioned, I won't get too nitpicky with this review; instead, I'm just going to work through it chronologically and give you my thoughts on what I liked and didn't.
Good opening. It gets straight into the action and draws me right it. I feel like you describe enough details for me to get a sense of the scene without losing the fast pace - there's a good balance. My only minor points would be to not overuse 'punched'. There's also something slightly off about referring to Jade as 'a redhead', because the POV of the chapter is slanted from Dameon's perspective and he's presumably very familiar with her, so you'd expect him to just identify her by name. I don't know. It's not a massive issue, just something that occurred to me.
I actually think this exchange would work a lot better if you deleted the red. It would hold back on more of the mystery, and I'm personally more afraid of things if I don't know what to expect. Great dialogue, by the way. Flows nicely and full of personality.
This clause is hard to process; there's just a lot going on in it. Try and simplify the expression.
Hohoho, very intriguing. Obviously, from the synopsis you gave I knew to expect multiple-dimension stuff, but it's still exciting. It raises tons of questions. How many dimensions are there? How are they organised? How is it that a person can seemingly shift from one to the other by accident?
This is pretty nitpicky, but because it seems to be a recurrent issue I thought I'd mention it. You seem to use names ('Dameon') or titles ('the thing') where I would probably expect a pronoun, and it just feels a bit jarring to read. I think it's a form of over-cohesion. If you just had this:
At first, he couldn’t see anything, just rubble. Then it pounced.
A blur of mottled gray shot past Dameon. He dove to the side. It barely missed him, sprawling in a heap of limbs behind him, but scrambling to its feet before he could shoot it.
It just seems neater. Names are a lot more visible, especially when they're repeated, and it can pull you out of the story if they're used too much. Seeing as Dameon is the only male referent in the scene, there's no confusion in mostly referring to him with a pronoun.
Note: I've noticed you refer to the dog as 'the thing' later in the chapter as well, but it always strikes me as an awkward way to describe it. It's so non-specific, it feels like you may as well use 'it'. I feel like 'the dog' might be a more natural title to give it, but I'll leave it up to you.
The bold is a rather abrupt topic shift away from the subject of the illegal gun, so it wrong-footed me for a moment. Even reading it for a second time, I still see the 'yes' and assume he's about to say 'yes, he did dare'.
Watch out for repetition.
I couldn't really picture what was happening here. Why didn't he just raise the gun and shoot the moment he had it in his hand?
Is this the full chapter or just a chapter part? If the former, I don't feel like this is the strongest ending line. It doesn't feel like it closes the scene to me.
Overall Thoughts
Okay, I'll start by saying that I really really like this. Yeah, it's a bit rough around the edges in some places, but the actual structure and progression of the chapter is great. It flows well, it's well paced, and it gets the right balance between action, mystery and exposition. If you were to ask me whether this chapter would make me want to read on, my answer would be a resounding 'yes'.
It usually takes a few chapters for me to warm up to characters, so it might be a little while before I can give you proper feedback on them. Nevertheless, they feel solid enough at the moment. Dameon and Jade seem to make a pretty good team. I must admit, I didn't feel like I got a particularly good sense of how exactly Jade is so good at calming people down. She didn't seem to be saying anything to the woman that was that different to what Dameon had said, so it felt a little like I was being told about her prowess rather than really seeing it in action. Maybe that section could be tweaked.
As for the writing itself, you've got some really excellent descriptions in here. I generally feel like I have a really good idea of the space your characters are moving through, and I can picture the ruined city well. What I think you could work on is incorporating a few more of the senses, because you focus most on sight and sound. At first, I thought that maybe smell was being neglected because Dameon couldn't smell anything through the rad suit, but he does mention the stench of the dog a few times at the end of the chapter. Which has got me wondering exactly what a ruined, nuclear wreckage New York smells like. Describing that would give even more tangibility to the scene.
Touch is another one. In the chase scene, I was surprised you didn't give us more information about what Dameon could feel as he ran. You don't give us much sense of his exhaustion or how hot the suit is getting or anything like that. When the dog first knocks him down after he shoots it with the stun gun, you don't actually tell us about the pain of being slammed into the concrete. I feel like there's a lot of untapped tactile description to be had in this chapter.
But everything you have is good. That's my main feeling about this chapter. There's nothing about it that stands out as unrealistic or needing to be changed, it's just about adding more polish to it so that it stands out to its fullest. I really enjoyed it. Definitely tag me when you publish the next part!
Keep writing!
~Pan
Thank you thank you! I was really hoping this worked as an opening because it just gives the vibe I want for the story. I also heavily based the descriptions of New York off of what I saw when I went to the Hiroshima museum a few months ago, so I'm glad those worked for you and I'll definitely add more in the touch and smell department. Plus the little flow/repetition things - you can tell I was stealing some stuff from my NaNo draft. xD
(Also I'm really glad I saw this because I didn't get a notification for it and still haven't so I don't know what happened there.)
I'm glad it helped!
(Yeah, I had the same problem on one of my works a few weeks back. I don't know why it does it.)