Beyond the milkweed plants,
I admire monarchs
as they flutter high above me
in a shared sovereignty
of gentle winds and treetops;
my shoulders itch with phantom pains.
But looking at butterflies is dangerous,
because if I stare too deeply,
all I can think about is
the beauty of those wings
they cannot see,
and how I long to clip them.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,817 Reviews
Hello there,
This was a good poem, although I was a little confused. Before I get on with the tips and praise, I wanted to let you know to keep writing. You did a great job on this poem. Don't let the criticism get to you.
Negatives.
-You should tell us more about the butterflies life.
-Observe more when writing about the butterflies.
-It could of been longer.
Positives
- Great Imagery in this piece.
- Good descriptive words.
-The reader could understand what was being talked about.
Overall this was a great poem. Please keep writing, I hope to hear more work from you soon because you are very good at writing.
~cassaundra~
Hey Maverick! Hadj here to review!
Nitpicks!
Stanza 2, Line 1:
"But looking at butterflies is dangerous,"
No "," necessary!
Criticism
As much as I liked this poem, I really would've liked some sort of rhyme scheme. I also wish that you broke down your stanzas into multiple sentences, instead of just one sentence that is awkwardly long.
Praise
This poem was awesome! You used great imagery in the first paragraph, and the second paragraph was very interesting. I never thought about the idea that a butterfly couldn't see their wings, and I admit, after reading this, I was incredibly tempted to find a butterfly and clip their wings!
Super amazing work!
Keep writing!
Hadj
This was a very good poem.
I loved the imagery you created in the first stanza.
The second one was equally good but for different reasons.
While the first one told more about the surroundings and image created, the second delved into the aura that gripped it.
The last line, " and how I long to clip them", was my favourite as it completely changed the reader's interpretation of the poem. Doing that with just one line is very rare.
So I loved that.
Hassan
Good evening!
How are you? So, I am here to review this short poem you have written. First of all, I appreciate your work. The first stanza was great but the second one , I felt sort of lost the flow. You could change a few words here and there for a great flow.
For example:-
'But looking at butterflies is dangerous,''
to
''Looking at butterflies but is dangerous''
''Dangerous is looking at butterflies''
Yeah, like that? Cool then.
Keep up the amazing work!