Monster Love

I was surprised to see that someone had reviewed this! It was the first poem I ever wrote. Its kind of a monster metaphor, because we have all been in relationships with people who are like monsters.

This one gave me chills. Is the girl a vampire? It was really good too.

I know why I'm down here , I know what I've done,
but baby your with me and I'm having such fun!

hey loved your peom this sarah sounds like a cool person and so are you hehe xxxxx

Hey there Matt!
I enjoyed this poem and the rhyme scheme gives it a good pace. A bit iffy on the flow though and that might be down to your structuring.

You hide from me behind a glass wall,
your devilish eyes say it all.
But Yet baby I saw you looking the other day
(I think it's important you start a new line here:) when I was walking down your way.

Hey Matt! Here as requested.

You said in your previous comment that you wanted the reader to feel what love is like. My problem here is that they don't, not really. We know how this story went, and we know how the narrator felt, but the reader isn't getting many emotions out of this. If you really want to take people on an emotional ride, as such, you need to actually describe the emotions. You get what I'm saying? You can do this in a number of ways. The most effective is, of course, imagery. Why not play around with some of that?

I do like this piece, though. Your rhyme scheme is nice, and I enjoyed this. Just think about my points.

~Amy

Thankyou for the tips, I will pm you if I need anymore help. I do not want it to sound vampire because I was trying to convey the situation in a monster metaphor and Im trying to steer clear of the whole Stephanie Meyer cliche. I want the reader to feel physically how love can feel. Which is sometimes scary and horrifying. But I get where you come from, thankyou.

Hi there, MattRaven94. I'm Conrad, as you know. Sorry I didn't get around to this sooner. I got your PM after an eight hour plane flight. I wasn't really in the mood to do much of anything at the time. But, I'm here now, to give you your review.

So, I really think your structure needs some work. All poetry should pretty much have a flow, even if it has no rhyme. Try reading your poetry aloud as you write it to keep that flow. This particular example right here almost has flow, but it is broken up in a few places. I advise you to go through and edit it so that it flows better.

Also, another word on structure. This seems to almost have a "two stanza, one line, two stanza," structure. That's all right, except for that almost part. You don't stick to any one structure. I advise you to go all the way on this and make it structured throughout. I don't think it really works as free verse, nor as this "almost structured" line-up you have it as.

You have a good start here, don't get me wrong. You just need to work with it a bit. PM me if you have any questions or comments.

Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice

Hi, Matt!


The first thing that came to mind when I read this was a vampire. . .


Anyway, I do think this poem is good. You have a good rhyme scheme here; nice, even, 's perfect rhyme at the end of each line, and that's really good. I think, though, that you should use more of your creative imagery, because here, it's a hard to get, and I understand it's not just the literal ripping of heart that you're talking about, but also the figurative. So! My suggestion would be to throw in a lot more images and metaphor for the sweeter part of it as well.

June

Thankyou.Its much appreciated

Wow... that was a very interesting poem. I loved it! It was dark and mysterious. I don't always like poems that rhyme but yours worked really well.

You hide from me behind a glass wall,
your devilish eyes say it all.

A nod of the head, a malevolent grin
as I commit the deadly sin.

Thankyou. Your word mean alot. And thankyou for taking the time to read it.

Hi, MattRaven94! I'm gonna review this in a pretty purple color. :]

You hide from me behind a glass wall, Love this part, gives an image and is a great beginning.
your devilish eyes say it all.Intense.
But baby I saw you looking the other day when I was walking down your way.I like this because it rhymes without being childish.

A nod of the head, a malevolent grin Good vocab.
as I commit the deadly sin. Again, intense. Love it.
You let me fall down and down, like poor old jack I broke my crown.I liek the comparison, always good for a poem.
You ripped out my guts and you tore out my brain, you ate my heart baby while I screamed on in pain. Imagery is great.
You know your a freak ,after all its your nature. Straight and to the point, I like this because it interests the reader once again.
You watched with glee as I turned into a creature.
I know why I'm down here, Gives a personal effect on the reader, always good.
I know what I've done, but baby your with me and I'm having such fun!

I love this poem. It makes the reader feel the message you're trying to create. Overall, I think you're a wonderful poet and I look forward to seeing more of your work.

Sincerely,
BeautifulDoom

hi greeneyes
Thanks for the tip, and I'm glad you liked it . Your definitely right poetry is personal which is why i sometimes feel nervous posting it. Everything i write about I have experienced and the horror aspect is just a metaphor because i love horror. Thanks again.

Hi Matt,
I think this is really good. The lack of structure is effective but I think that it could use a tiny bit more form, but that is just my personal opinion, you may think differently! You've managed to get the message across well about how unavailable someone is. I think it might have been a bit better if you'd chosen a different phrase for

But baby

Hi everyone its Matt.
I really hope you like Monster Love.Please review it. I know its a bit rough around the edges but I love it. Monster Love is about loving someone you never thought you could. Its about acceptance of a persons true human nature and loving them anyway.