Love is a knife straight through your heart.
God I've never felt so much pain!
Love is a drug.
I'm a drug addict, Soon I'm gonna need that high again.
Love is like a death.
You mourn it when it inevitable has to go.
Love is like a depression.
You will never feel this low.
Love is a virus.
It infects your brain, makes you say shit you didn't mean.
Love is like a sticky mud
Makes you dirty and unclean.
Love is like a tough bitch.
Be careful you don't choke.
Love is so humiliating.
I feel like such a joke.
I always feel my heart break whenever I get that look.
Like I'm on some half-psychotic merry go round and the "off" switch is stuck.
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Ah. Cynical-mindedness.
I actually liked this, even though it wasn't very well-written. You need to fix your punctuation, and your last line is completely off-meter.
I, just personally, think it's a nice change to see an anti-love poem instead of another cliche mushy one.
Fix this up a bit, it has potential.
--Dreamy
Unfortunately this is a touch messy, but my biggest issue is your beginning:
The line, "God I've never felt so much pain!" just doesn't work. You've destroyed any potential kick start for rhythm and there's a huge lack of fluency because of it.
Also as you've narrated through your different images, I'm jumping back and forth. It seems almost rushed. You're throwing my mind everywhere and its uncomfortable to read.
Your language is okay, but there's no spice or vocab. Or that brilliantly effective kick in the teeth.
I don't take to cynical poems, but I know that if you're going to be cynical go as deep as you can. Make it original. Try and lose the cliches, you know?
Don't get me wrong. You're a very good writer and you have a natural idea for good pace, but this was just one of those pieces that didn't work.
Hey! It might just be me?
Whatever you do, KEEP WRITING!
You'll only improve.
Ben.
thanks for the tips!
I do have to agree with Timmy on the fact that it is a bit of a mess, but unlike him I think that the messy quality might add a bit to the poem. What I mean is, it's almost like a double meaning (the way I see it anyway); you were saying how love makes such a mess of people, and sort of portrayed that in the set up of the poem. However, I fully agree with him on the rhyming. Really, rhyming doesn't even matter all that much. Sure, it can make a poem sound pretty, but unless the rhyming comes extremely naturally, I say ditch it. It's more trouble than it's worth and can make a poem sound awkward if not implemented properly (and I'm sorry, but it wasn't here).
I really did like it though. As you said, it really is for cynics, and I like that. It reminded me of a Neil Gaiman quote. It's a rather lengthy, paragraph quote, but just so you get the gist of it and can recognize it if you choose to look it up, the last sentence is something along the lines of "God I hate love." Anyway, I really liked the message of the poem, because everyone always seems to focus on the good side of love, and never on the bad. Overall, you have some things to fix up, but I really did enjoy it! Great job!
~Becki
Comments on board and thanks for the tip. But this is not a love poem its an anti-love poem for the cynical minded.
Uhh, wow... This is kinda messy... Love is a very cliche topic, first of all... Not many people enjoy love poems as much anymore... Second of all, the flow and rhyming scheme are bad. Maybe try to avoid rhyming? The stanzas are too long, try separating the sentences into 2 lines