A gentle roar seemed to hold the Southern Dock hostage. It was abnormally busy, and people were scattered in all directions. Mintrow pushed his way through the crowds with Nareen at his heels. Several ferries could be taken to Kavaria at any given time. All of them were expensive, and they were rarely comfortable. On a day as busy as today, the odds of legally procuring a ticket were slim to say the least. The odds of obtaining two were close to non-existent.
“It doesn't look like we'll be leaving for a while,” Nareen said pointedly. Mintrow merely scowled.
He allowed his eyes to briefly survey the coastline before they settled on a short jetty. A man with rugged red hair and an ungroomed beard stood near it. Mintrow began to shove his way through the thick mob in attempt to cross the distance between himself and the jetty.
“Hey watch it!” The gruff voice came from behind him.
“I'm sorry, sir,” said Mintrow.
“No, listen here,” the man said, “what makes you think that you have the right to push us around?”
There was a momentary silence as Mintrow sized up the man. His biceps were massive. They were painted with black tattoos that stretched down his bare forearms and terminated only upon reaching his hands.
“I'm sorry, sir,” Mintrow repeated, “I'm in a real hurry. You know how it is, I can't miss my ship.”
“Look here, bigshot, I don't care how many ships you would have missed. It's a lack of common courtesy to shove people around.” Just then, the man stumbled forward. Mintrow looked to see what it was that had caused this big oaf's fall.
Suddenly, something massive collided into Mintrow, knocking him to the floor. A massive explosion shook the air, and the mob erupted into chaos. Panic-stricken faces stopped frozen. A high pitched scream broke the short silence that had hung for a moment, delicately in the air.
From his awkward position on the cold, hard, earth, Mintrow could see the woman who lay behind him writhe in agony. Blood was spattered on her white silk attire. She was a noblewoman, no doubt; a prospect which would certainly ensure that this episode got far more attention than it rightfully should have.
What shook him more than anything, though, was the fact that the bullet was no doubt intended for him.
Nareen ignored Mintrow's dazed expression. It was fixed on the woman who lay on the floor with a shot in her leg. He needed to move quickly, and his worrying about some spoiled noblewoman was unlikely to help his cause.
“Get up, Mintrow,” she said. He didn't move. “What's wrong with you.” She swore violently. He needed to move. The confusion would dissipate soon, and he would be exposed again.
Desperate, Nareen, grabbed hold of his muscular arm, and then heaved. Remarkably, his massive form lifted off the ground.
He was there again. The cutthroat was trying to make his way through the crowd. She didn't think he had seen them yet. She wasn't going to take the risk though.
“Run,” she said, “I'll follow you.”
This time, Mintrow obeyed. He began to walk hurriedly through the crowd. He had drawn a pistol out of his trouser belt, and held it hidden beneath his leather cape. Nareen followed his zig-zags through the maze of people from a short distance. She stopped for a moment. Peering behind her, she spotted the cutthroat. He was walking fast. Towards her. No. Towards Mintrow. His gaze was fixed on Mintrow.
She bent down, apparently to tie her boot's laces. Her dark hair hid her cold expression. She waited for the cutthroat to near her. Then she rose, withdrawing a hunting-knife from an ankle strap as she did so. He passed her without giving her a second glance. She gracefully picked herself up off the ground. The metamorphosis from hunted to hunter was thrilling.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
A thousand apologies for not getting to this sooner, my dear friend. I've been working super hard on re-writing my prologue so I haven't had a chance to review anything. I'm just gonna jump right in, okay?
I'd take out the seem here and just make it held.
The repetition of massive here is pretty obvious. I'd change the second one.
Excessive use of commas. Take out the one after hard and you're good.
I'd change "could see" to just "saw".
I'm not sure if the semi-colon was used correctly here. If I were you, I'd take it out and use a period or a comma, just to be sure.
Hmmm....I think this could use some rephrasing. It reads clumsily as it is. I'd write something like this: "He knew that the bullet was intended for him and the thought shook him." Or something along those lines. You don't have to use the sentence I suggested, but I advise you to rework the part.
At first when I read "heaved" I thought she was throwing up. Just something to think about.
Period after "said", not comma.
No need for the comma after belt.
I like where you're going with this. I sure wasn't expecting that to happen. I haven't read enough to say what I think of the characters. Also:
I just had to say how fabulous I thought this sentence was. It ended the chapter very well. Great job.
Worx.
Took me long enough to get here! Sorry 'bout that.
Onto the review.
Ohh, me like. What I'd like even more is a mention of how they'll get their tickets. ^_^
I loved this description. Just enough to give us a view on this person.
When I read this tag, I thought they had crossed the space to the jetty already. I didn't think they were still in the crowd. Perhaps mention that he bumped into somebody, or somebody bumped into him?
What knocked him down?
Hmm, I like the slow description here, and the mention of the noblewoman (:P) but I'd like to see a mention of the bullet while you're describing the woman.
He or they needed to move? From the scene before, I would think that Nareen was helping him. Or, is she so detached from this that she doesn't consider herself part of the mission.
If the later is the case, then please ignore this nit-pick. ^_^
In my opinion, I'd like a tag to this dialogue, or an exclamation point. A tag to explain why it's said in a low tone. If it's meant to be said louder, put an exclamation point.
For whom? The people watching, or her own emotion?
Description: I just love a lot of the description in here. But some of it is missing or incomplete. The dialogue when he's in the crowd is one example. Because you had just mentioned the jetty right before, it's rather automatic to think the dialogue is happening on that jetty. That's one of the reasons why I like tags in front of the dialogue; it doesn't leave any holes for wondering where the dialogue is taking place.
I do like the minimalist style you have for description. You have good choices in describing just enough that we see the character, yet not enough that it's boring. Nice work!
Characters: I'm having a hard time getting a grasp of Mintrow's character, all of a sudden. It seemed to me, with your past chapters, that he was used to a rough world. But, in this section, he is shaken dumbstruck by an assassination attempt. It just doesn't seem to add up.
It seems that Nareen is more used to all of this. But, if that's the case, why isn't she heading this mission?
Overall: This was a nice way to move the plot forward. The twists on the characters could be explained a bit more, and there are some dodgy descriptions, but I enjoyed this greatly.
Questions? Drop me a line.
~Rosey
I love the way you open a chapter, always so descriptive without being too telling. It is fantastic!
This reads weird, I think if you got rid of the last part it might flow better. Or you could reword it to say something like: A high-pitched scream broke the delicate silence that had hung in the air for just a moment. Or something like that.
You don't need so many commas here, get rid of the second one.
If Nareen tells him to run and Mintrow obeys, then I'd expect him to sprint or run or even jog, but walking hurriedly doesn't seem like the right speed to be taking at this moment. I'd love it if Mintrow shoved the big guy again and didn't stop to apologize this time, but that is just me.
You said she rose and then you said she picked herself up off the ground. This makes it redundant. I'd just reword the paragraph to read like this: She gracefully picked herself off the ground; withdrawing a hunting knife from an ankle strap as she did so. The metamorphosis from hunted to hunter was thrilling. I love the last sentence, although Nareen really isn't the one being hunted, but it doesn't matter to me, I love it all the same.
Characters: I think you did a beautiful job here with your characters. You gave us little tidbits about their physical description without overloading us with information. And seeing how they both reacted in a crisis is a great revelation about them as people. I really liked it that Mintrow was the one who froze up and Nareen was the one who reacted with a calm and assertive nature. It was awesome.
Setting: It was obvious that this port was busy, you did a good job conveying that. The only thing that I would've liked would have been some of the smells. Obviously with that many people all together there would be some unpleasant bodily smells, especially if people have a lack of hygiene. Also, I would think there would be some sort of fish smell being right next to a port. Perhaps you could add some pleasant smells, like fresh baked bread, warm cinnamon, or roasting meat.
Overall: Looove it!! Each chapter just keeps getting better and better, and I've bascially said everything that needs to be said. I CAN'T WAIT TO READ MORE!!!
Hey yrclever =]
Thanks for the PM!
Once again I really enjoyed reading this. Your writing is so easy to read and it flows really well.
I like how you are switching scenes and characters in this story. It makes it more of an entertaining read and it keeps me wanting to read more.
I couldn't really find any nit-piks, nothing grammatical anyway.
I loved the ending too. I want to find out if she gets the cutthroat and why the cutthroat is after Mintrow in the first place.
This story is gripping and I can't wait to read the next part.
The only thing I would say that you could add in, is a bit more emotion from Mintrow when he finds out that the bullet was intended for him. It's just a suggestion though
Can you PM me when you post the next part, please?
xDudettex