A/N: I want to thank Squall for the great advice that he gave me before I wrote this chapter. I've focused this chapter on mainly developing a little depth in the story. Something which Squall kindly pointed out was missing. I don't know how the rest of the chapter will pan out because of this change in my approach to writing it, so I will be extremely grateful if anyone has any input whatsoever. 
Without further ado, I present the second half of the fifth chapter:
The look on Balarin's face was unreadable. It was a mix of emotion, and no definite one could be made out. The gray-blue of her irises shook violently.
Panatar looked away from her gaze instinctively. “What did you see in my palm?” The lack of disbelief in his own voice shocked him. Did he already believe her to be legitimate? He wasn't quite sure.
A peculiar silence drifted through the air and Balarin rose from the table. “Walk with me,” she said. “I need to show you something.”
Her delicate gait almost birdlike in fragility was unnerving. She seemed to be unsure of herself and faltered as she walked. What could she have seen? Panatar trailed her curiously, suddenly frightened. He followed her into a narrow passage that led deeper into the gypsy like cottage. The gypsy-pink glow was traded for a darker, more sinister gloom. How much further could she go?
“Are you going to tell me what you saw?” he asked. She ignored him and continued deeper into the passage.
He stopped. “Wait a minute. I think I should tell my father where we are before carry on.”
“At this point in time,” Balarin said, “your father does not need to know where you're going.”
“I don't think I should leave without telling him.” Panatar said adamantly.
Her voice seemed to morph into something weak... almost pleading. “We won't be long here,” she said.
“Wait.” Panatar felt suddenly uncomfortable. “What's your problem?” A sudden foreboding pervaded the already stale air. What in the name of the underworld was she doing? He spun around and started sprinting back up the passage way. The stone walls became a blur and he focused on only the bright torches at its entrance.
“No Panatar, Wait!” Balarin's call seemed a distant echo in Panatar's head. Screams seemed to echo in his head playing tricks on his mind. The throbbing of his heart hastened and was amplified. He heard Balarin's chasing footsteps ringing through the walls, but they seemed to be growing more distant. The opening at the end of the passage was in view now. Only a few more paces.
“Mind the step!” Balarin's warning was too late. Panatar hurtled over, his head pounding ferociously. He felt himself being flung violently into the air and catapulted over the hard wooden floor onto the rug two meters in front of him. He skid across the carpet. A grimace stretched across his face as he felt a growing stinging sensation of pain burning through his forearm. His elbow had been painted a crimson color by the blood that oozed out of it, and when he tried to lift himself off the floor, a sharp pain shot through his ankle. The throbbing in his head had lessened considerably, though.
“Damned kid,” Balarin said from behind him, “Are you trying to get yourself killed?” Her voice was grave rather than mocking.
“Am I trying to get myself killed?” said Panatar incredulously. “You seem to be the one bent on killing me.”
“I assure you, Panatar,” she said, “I have never had any intention of harming you.”
“If that is true, why don't you explain why you were so avert to me talking to Father.” The forced control in his voice barely masked his coldness.
“I'll tell you,” Balarin said, “but I warn you, you may or may not be ready for what I am about to tell you. Please, though, wait until I finish my piece before you respond.”
“Just spit it out, Balarin.” Palarin said.
“Okay,” Balarin said. Palarin wondered what caused the edge of discomfort that laced her voice.
After a long pause, Balarin began. “To understand the future is a skill in which few ever achieve a mastery. Divination is no more a magic than simple conjuring but few people truly understand what it is that the future reveals to them. The future is comprised of many different paths. Paths converge and diverge depending on choices that are made. I just made such a choice.” She took a deep breath. “I chose to save your life, but in doing so I could not save your father's.”
Panatar felt his face tighten. What did she mean? He felt unsure. The thrill that had carried him forward as he had tried to flee from the house had abated. He felt vulnerable. But Balarin continued. “Among the images revealed to me in your palm lay a specific one that marked a certain path that your life might have taken. I saw an image of your father and a cutthroat. They were in the street just outside, and the moon was just peeking through the cloud-cover. The cutthroat held a dagger dangerously balanced on his palm but your father seemed unaware of his presence.
“But before the cutthroat reached Cimrial, your father's head turned. I don't believe that I've ever seen anyone react on impulse faster than your father did. He saw the cutthroat and drew his own dagger. Your father began sprinting across the gap between himself and the cutthroat faster than I've seen anyone move ever.”
Then Balarin went silent. Her brow contorted painfully. Panatar could only guess she was trying to block the image of what she had seen next in her vision. He didn't need her to continue with her tale. From her face, he could guess his father's fate.
“In your vision,” Panatar asked needlessly, “was my father killed?”
A tear rolled down Balarin's cheek as she nodded. Panatar felt a dull throb of pain creeping up in his chest. His heart was suddenly pounding wildly again. “You said you saved my life. I wasn't in any danger. Was I?” He felt suddenly out of control. He was angry again.
“You were in danger.” There was no pretense in Balarin's voice. “Your palm showed me the image of you chasing after the cutthroat. When he disappeared into a side-street, you let out a scream. He had left a knife in your chest.”
“And what makes you so sure he's dead already?” He was desperate now. “Can you see when my father was killed over and above the fact that it would happen?”
The old wooden grandfather clock at the edge of the room struck midnight and a deep sound resonated. “No,” said Balarin, “but immediately after the cutthroat stabbed you the clock tower struck twelve o'clock.”
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Hello Yoda! Here for the review (finally)
This description just feels odd to me. I can see somebody's hands shaking, or their whole bodies, but not their irises. Or is the point to make her sound otherworldly and strange?
Missing quotes around "almost birdlike in fragility."
~ "Gypsy" is repetitive.
~ I don't remember any mention of colour in the cottage. Is it coming from the walls? The shades on the lights? Some other worldly source? Tell us please.
~The last line here feels under-explained. My thoughts on description are: the longer the description, the more time has passed. Because this is such a short description, we think they've only been walking a few steps. Him asking how much farther she can go is also odd because we were never given a size to the cottage. I thought it was very small, not really warranting any long passages. If it is small, and that's why Panatar is wondering how much farther she can go, then please mention that. It would help that line make sense.
~ I now see what you're doing with the "sinister gloom." It's foreshadowing the father's death, correct? I find that's slightly thin, especially throughout the rest of the work. If you're going to be using the surroundings as a foreshadowing technique (which is one of my favourite ways to foreshadow) then I find it should be more consistent. Right now this is really the only line we have for foreshadowing, and that makes it poorly supported. More depth would be added should more outer description mach what was going on outside.
The "wait a minute" here doesn't feel that well thought out. He hasn't shown many signs of worry before this, other than wondering how far she can go, so the whole dialogue feels off. However, should you delete "wait a minute" (Or add more explanation on this) then the dialogue wouldn't feel so out of place.
Actually, this whole line of dialogue feels off to me. It sounds too "teenager" when Panatar's dialogue before this has been formal. Not to mention the size of the cottage/length of time they've been walking. It seems a bit soon for him to be saying he should go see his father because they've been walking for awhile.
When you have a double-tagged line such as this, and the second tag is "s/he said" you can delete the second tag very easily.
I'm wondering why he would be feeling so strongly, so suddenly. He's putting bits and pieces together, trying to figure out what Balarin said, but readers are left in the dark. From here until near the end, I'm feeling very detached from this work. I can't understand what's going on that's so bad. I could see it on the second read of this, but you don't want people to know the ending of a scene to be able to understand it.
His dialogue, again, feels very informal. I'd like more of this change explained. Or the dialogue reworked so he's more formal.
I did like the mention of the underworld, though. It hints at a religion and I hope to see that religion a bit more.
"His head" is repetitive here.
This feels like a lot of flowery description for a rather simple action. It was only on the second read that I understood what was actually happening.
Remember that review you gave me about telling instead of showing for fights? I think you should apply that lesson here. Although, at the moment, I'm not sure if this is showing or telling. The feeling it gives me, however, is boredom. I'm having a hard time picturing the description, and like I mentioned before I'm detached from the work emotionally at this point. Such a vivid description makes me estranged to the work instead of having me empathize with Panatar.
The last line here also bothers me. After such a long description of his wounds, one wound not being so bad feels tacked on. I'm also wondering why his head was pounding in the first place, if it stops pounding so suddenly.
I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but if not I'm going to mention it again: "Damned" is a Christian-oriented word. Since you haven't established a Christian equivalent, nor have you set up a real parthenon of gods to damn a person, using the word seems slightly odd. Although, should the "underworld" lead to being a hell equivalent, using "damned" would be fine.
If readers don't know the adverb, it can be hard to picture the tone of voice.
More hints of this please. I was not getting that from the scene above at all. Like I mentioned, Panatar seems to have put two and two together, although they do seem to be the incorrect two and two, and the readers are left mostly in the dark. I am beginning to see what he was putting together, but when that element is so crucial to the scene and gets resolved quickly, dropping a few more hints as to what he's thinking is not a bad idea.
Now Panatar is starting to sound like himself again. And I'm beginning to connect to the work a bit more, because his dialogue is something I could figure out and had noticed.
Despite now understanding the use of "piece" in here, I think you should replace the word with "story" so we're not left hanging quiet as much.
I'm having a very hard time understanding this line. I think you're trying to say that divination is not just a magic, but a huge responsibility (or are you saying it isn't a magic at all?) but I'm not sure.
"In doing so" makes me think that she swapped one life for the other, but upon reading farther I discovered that wasn't the case. I'm also now wondering why she didn't go and ask the father to step inside, so he could avoid the cutthroat's knife. Or would that have put the rest of them in danger?
I think the question in front of this line implied this feeling. Nix, or turn this line into something more showing.
I did not get an impression that a thrill was carrying him forward when he was running. I thought it was a rather mindless and rash act on his part, since I wasn't putting the ends together. But now I'm repeating myself.
How so? Does he suddenly realize that he'd been wrong? Is he afraid of what would happen next? Is he feeling a sense of premonition grief at his father's death? Picking a reason behind him feeling vulnerable would define his personalty very well. I wouldn't pass up on such an opportunity.
Because you have only said that Panadar felt vulnerable instead of making any physical tie-in (pupils dilating, fists clenching, something else noticeable) the "but" here feels out of place.
"Again"? I wasn't getting that much, if any, anger from before.
This is so chilling until the twelve o'clock bit. It makes me think it's noon, not midnight. I'd replace it with just "twelve" since that has a less "daytime" vibe to it.
*
Characters: I had a slight problem with Panatar in this part, heh. He felt completely out of character and under-explained, as I've mentioned. Again, you're expecting the reader to put two and two together, but with the added depth that becomes very difficult to do without some hints. I find that with distant third person, as this mostly is, you need to have some pretty clear hints as to how the characters are feeling or else readers have a hard time getting it. Add in some hints here so that there's more of a connection to the character and we're not left in the dark for the bulk of the chapter.
Balarin, I found her to be alright in this part. You had explained the change in her well, although some of her dialogue was a little shaky. Mostly the "okay" before she started talking; it felt too informal. Her reaction at the end I did enjoy. There was a certain level of depth to it that let us know how close she was to Panatar's father. Although, I thought she had read his fortune and seen what happened to him, so her being surprised makes me wonder just what she'd seen before...
Description: I saw an effort in using outside description to show a shift in the scene, however, I didn't feel it was enough. 5.1 did a better job of showing the outside in such a way that it could be read as emotion, and although it was lacking the actual emotion the scenery was there for comparison. Here, there doesn't seem to be any setting to compare to. Here would actually be a good location to just have outer description. Because you have an emotional tension at the beginning, should you put in more outer description we'd be able to put things together more clearly on the first read. (While with 5.1 there wasn't the emotional tension for us to tie her feelings into the surroundings) Check out this article for tips.
Overall: This was an okay chapter. Not the best, not the worst. I found myself very detached from most of the work, and Panatar felt out of character. The ending was very well done, though. I just find Panatar's emotions need to be better explained (Okay, I'll stop now)
PM me with questions.
~Rosey