The final part up. Lets see what to point out here...
The sheet that Panatar had placed over his face to shield his eyes from dust had not worked as well as he'd hoped it would either. The small opening that he had left over his eyes was large enough for the dust being kicked up by his father's horse to get into his eyes. As a result, he was left with a pained expression on his face that his father might have seen if not for the cloth that concealed it.
~ The bolded bit I find a bit repetitive. "His eyes" shows up twice, almost right on top of each other. Rework so that doesn't happen.
~ I'm wondering why we need to know why he was wearing a cloth over his face.
his father's horse stopped in the middle of the street. He yanked his horse's reigns, forcing it to come to an awkward halt. He let out a sigh of relief, and squinted through the darkness to try to orientate himself to his surroundings.
~ It's hard to tell who the "he" is in this section. Since the father and his horse were doing the action right before, while it seems that you are talking about Panatar when talking about "he." Use some more proper names to make this clearer. ^_^
~ I don't think the bolded comma is needed. (The one after "relief")
He fastened his horse's reigns to a wooden bar that had begun to play host to a termite infestation, and followed his father inside.
~ It unclear, again, whom "he" is in this sentence.
~ I feel the "and" after the comma would be better off as a "then."
Several mirrors also decorated the wall, one of which seemed to have recently been broken – broken fragments of glass lay on the floor.
You use "broken" twice in a row here. I find the "broken" after the dash would so well as "shattered."
Of course, Panatar mused, nobody in the whole of Hyvria was in their right mind.
Loved this line.
He took a closer look at the nearest table, and noticed a bullet lying on its top. These people were really mad. Who would buy a single bullet?
Once I remembered where the bullet came from (heh, that would be forgetfulness on my part, not something wrong with the story), I was left wondering why it's on the table and not in the ceiling or on the floor somewhere.
At the back of the shop, was a wide counter broad enough to stretch from one wall to the other.
Delete this comma.
Behind it, were hundreds of drawers.
*Points to nit-pick above* Same goes for here.
"Oh, Lord. He's dead. Panatar, Joriah's been shot.”
"Lord" is a rather Earth-bound term. Since you have not established that this world worships God, it would be wise to replace "Lord" with another term, even one as simple as "gods" (note the plural there. "God," singular, would still imply Earth customs.)
Panatar looked over the counter to where his father stood. The sight of the shot placed perfectly between Joriah's eyes sent shivers down his spine.
Wouldn't there be blood, or brain-matter of some kind? Call me morbid, but I'd like a little reference to that.
~
Pronouns: In this section, you're a bit fuzzy on pronouns and what/who they relate to. In some segments, near the end, you seem to overcompensate by using proper names all the time. I would go through this and make sure all of the sections are a-okay when it comes to pronouns. I've pointed out the main locations, but just in case I missed any.
Characters: I'm loving Panatar's character in here. He's got his own flavour, and we can tell his prose apart from the other characters. That could be that you put some description in (nice work), but his tone is distinctly different from the others. Which is a challenge when working with multiple viewpoints.
Description: We have some, this time. I liked the setting of the night, but it felt like things were in a vacuum. In the woods I understand a silent world, in the city I find that hard to believe. Put some mention of noise of some sort, just so we're not left in a muffled world.
Questions? PM me.
~Rosey
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