Dreams of Giants -- Chapter 3, Part 2

The pair of doors that marked the main entrance to the library flew open. Gondahar the seventh, High Priest of Kavaria's tall form appeared behind them. He strode majestically into the massive hall. Books and scrolls lined the wall of the circular room. Bookcases were divided into orderly sections, and were laid out evenly across the library's floor. Gondahar's eyes wandered over the hundreds of shelves, before they settled on the librarian who sat at the ebony desk in the room's center.

He walked towards it, curled his finger into a fist and grimaced. “Where's Miana?”

“Where do you think she is, Gondahar?” the librarian said. Gondahar met his eyes. He stared into them coldly. He spun around, and walked hastily to the marble staircase at the back of the room. He descended three levels. A door of stone lay in front of him. Echoes of his footsteps could be heard amidst the stale smells of moisture that hung delicately in the air. Out of his pocket, Gondahar withdrew the set of keys. They clanged loudly. He inserted a key into the lock and twisted. Click.

Gondahar pushed the door open. Torches illuminated the passage before him. Shields, swords, and helmets hung on the walls. Gondahar walked about fifty paces before he came to an abrupt halt. He slid another key into its keyhole and yanked it open. The room appeared empty. He stepped inside. Where was she?

The hairs on the back of his neck stood on end. Someone was behind him. Holding a weapon no less. He froze. Then, as quickly as it had appeared, Gondahar sensed the weapon disappearing.

“Don't scare me like that.” The voice was Miana's.

“Miana,” he breathed. He pulled her into an embrace.

“Father, what's wrong?”

“I'd hoped that I wouldn't need to tell you this, but Mintrow's keys have been stolen. This happened two days ago. Circumstances have changed slightly since then. Not an hour ago, my Aunt Gienra was found dead on the beach front. A clean shot through the head. Cutthroat's work.”

Gondahar watched his daughter's face. Her eyes remained steady, but slight signs of tension became apparent as her head became more rigid. She was upset, but she was controlling her emotions well.

She swallowed. “Have you sent Mintrow word?”

“He should know by now that his keys have been stolen. He will, in all likeliness be returning from Vileri. He should get here by tomorrow.”

“I meant, does he know that his mother's dead?”

“No. We only found out today. But he'll be here before we can send someone to him,” he said. “And we couldn't have expected to have known beforehand. Gienra often disappears for days on end. Her absence was nothing out of the ordinary.”

“I hope that he agrees,” Miana said.

“So do I,” said Gondahar. He paused. “Miana, come with me. I've got something that I need to show you.”

Gondahar exited the room, locking it behind him. Miana followed him down the passage. It passage spiraled downwards, with doors randomly scattered on either side. The air grew colder as they descended deeper below the ground. Gondahar looked to his daughter. She was shivering. He removed his cape and wrapped it around her shoulders.

“It won't be long now,” he said.

“I've never been this far down.” Miana's voice shook as she said the words.

“One more turn and we'll be there,” Gondahar said.

“We'll be where?”

“At the end of the passage.”

The familiar door appeared in front of him. A wry expression passed briefly over his lips.

“Miana, Open it.” Gondahar watched his daughter extract her set of keys. Their clang echoed through the air demonically.

“Which key is it?” she asked.

“Which ever key you feel it is.”

He watched as she took the handle of the big gold key and pushed it into the keyhole. It turned. She pushed the door open.

Gondahar took in the familiar sight of the room. It hadn't changed over the past twenty years, he mused. Like the library itself, it was circular. Eight torches lined the walls. Each torch held a different flame: Red, green, blue, yellow, violet, orange, silver and gold. The room's radius was about six paces. At its center, a perfectly spherical stone lay. It was slightly sunken into the ground.

A beam of light illuminated it, and perfectly balanced on its round top, was a book. The Book of Truth. The last time he had come to this room, the book's cover had been a bright blue. Now, it was a volcanic red.

“What is this place?” Miana asked.

“This room, is the purpose that the library was built.” Gondahar paused. “The library was built to hide this book, The Book of Truth. Too many have been corrupted with the power that it contains. The Book of Truth accounts the most dangerous events imaginable. It is so named because it tells only the truth. Like many with greed, Galdiff has been after this book. He has obtained the key now. It is no longer safe in the library.”

“Why do you show it to me, then?”

“It is yours now. You must be the one to protect it. Guard the book with your life, Daughter. I hope that I have given you the ability to survive. I say my goodbye here. You need to find a safe place for it. Hide it where nobody would think to look. But I warn you Miana, do not allow the book to corrupt you. Take your horse, and ride like the wind.”

Comments & reviews · 4
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User avatar
xDudettex
Review

Hey Yoda =]

Thanks for letting me know that this was up :)

So. I don't think that I can give you a proper grammatical review, 'cause everything that I would have pointed out has already been said - that'll teach me to take a week off of YWS :roll:

Anyways... I loved this chapter. It revealed so much about the plot of the story without being blunt. We finally get to know which key they're talking about at the start of the story.

'The book of truth,' huh? Sounds cool. I think you have a brilliant plot idea here and I like how you switch between character point of views. I think it helps to give the story more depth.

I loved the description of the library - it was worth the wait :wink:

I can't wait for the next part - I want to know if she can escape with the book before Galdiff can get to it. Dun, dun, dun... lol

Once again, can you please PM me when you post the next part? I'll try to give you more of a helpful review next time =]

xDudettex

User avatar
Dreamworx95
Review

Hello again, Master. :lol:

Bookcases were divided into orderly sections, and were laid out evenly across the library's floor.

Take out the comma after "sections". I also don't think "library" should be possessive.

Gondahar's eyes wandered over the hundreds of shelves, before they settled on the librarian who sat at the ebony desk in the room's center.

No comma after "shelves". And at the end I would just say "in the center of the room."

He walked towards it, curled his finger into a fist and grimaced. “Where's Miana?”

Is it possible to curl your finger into a fist? Maybe say "hand".

He spun around, and walked hastily to the marble staircase at the back of the room.

No comma after "around".

A door of stone lay in front of him. Echoes of his footsteps could be heard amidst the stale smells of moisture that hung delicately in the air.

This doesn't make much sense. Sound and smell are two different senses. So I would write something like: "Echoes of his footsteps could be heard amidst the hollow hum in the empty chamber..." where you are using the sense of sound for the whole sentence. Just an example, but you should definitely revise it.

Gondahar walked about fifty paces before he came to an abrupt halt. He slid another key into its keyhole and yanked it open.

You didn't say what he halted in front of. Be sure to include that before you move on to the second sentence.

The hairs on the back of his neck stood on end. Someone was behind him.

This seems kind of sudden. Mention something that would make him think there was someone behind him. Footsteps or heavy breathing or something.

Not an hour ago, my Aunt Gienra was found dead on the beach front. A clean shot through the head. Cutthroat's work.”

Was this the same woman shot in front of Mintrow? I was under the impression that the bullet was meant for him? Interesting.

Her eyes remained steady, but slight signs of tension became apparent as her head became more rigid.

This is okay as it is, but I think you could definitely write it better.

It passage spiraled downwards, with doors randomly scattered on either side.

"It's" and no comma after "with".

“Which ever key you feel it is.”

Which ever = Whichever. One word.

Each torch held a different flame: Red, green, blue, yellow, violet, orange, silver and gold.

Red = red. Not capitalized.

A beam of light illuminated it, and perfectly balanced on its round top, was a book.

No comma after top.

“This room, is the purpose that the library was built.”

No comma after room.

I would like to see a little more description of their impression. A lot happened in this chapter and I couldn't tell what the characters were feeling.

The plot thickens, as does the soup...good work. PM me when you have more up.

Worx.

User avatar
Terpsichore
Review

*waves at Yoda*

Sorry if I repeat anything mentioned before, but I try not to read the other reviews before doing one of my own.

“Where do you think she is, Gondahar?” the librarian said. Gondahar met his eyes.


Gondahar seems very threatening and this is one brave librarian! :wink:

He inserted a key into the lock and twisted. Click.


If your piece was written in present tense, then the "click" would fit in. But the "click" is too present tense for the way this piece was written. It doesn't quite fit in.

Shields, swords, and helmets hung on the walls.


The comma should be removed. :)

I'd hoped that I wouldn't need to tell you this, but Mintrow's keys have been stolen. This happened two days ago.



“No. We only found out today. But he'll be here before we can send someone to him,” he said. “And we couldn't have expected to have known beforehand. Gienra often disappears for days on end. Her absence was nothing out of the ordinary.”


In both of these instances, we have Gondahar saying something quite significant and something that would bring up emotion in anybody. To me it seems that he's just giving Miana information and that's it. The relationship between them is a bit confusing too. He embraced her when he first saw her, but then acted colder towards her as this piece progresses.
You could add Gondahar's emotions in by breaking up the second bit with more than just "he said." an example could be "he said, looking at Miana sadly" (not the best example, but hey!)

The room's radius was about six paces.


You generally talk about a room's diameter, not the radius. So changing it to something like "The room was 12 paces in diameter." Even then, it's not quite smooth. So making it to "The room was 12 paces wide." Not including the diameter or the radius.


--

Plot: It's coming along really nicely! I can't wait to find out what Miana is going to do with the book! I suspect a twist! ;)

Characters: Gondahar is a bit flat, but because he isn't your MC you don't want to over do the personality. But a bit more addition to Gondahar will do you good. :)

Overall: I'm intrigued by the story, and had to keep reminding myself to critique and not just read at leisure!
:P

Do me a favour and keep me posted when the next bit is up?

PM if there are any questions. :)

~ Terps ~

User avatar
Rosendorn
Review

Hiya Yoda!

Gondahar the seventh, High Priest of Kavaria's tall form appeared behind them.


~ Even though this is grammatically correct, it is still clumsy to read "Kavaria's" at the end of this. Takes me a minute to read it correctly.

~ Did it appear or was it already behind those doors? ;)

Bookcases were divided into orderly sections, and were laid out evenly across the library's floor. Gondahar's eyes wandered over the hundreds of shelves, before they settled on the librarian who sat at the ebony desk in the room's center.


The commas in both these sentences should be deleted. ^_^

He walked towards it, curled his finger into a fist and grimaced.


~ I think "it" would read better as "him," since you're talking about the librarian in the last sentence, not the desk. ^_^

~ Did he curl his finger or his hand? Hand makes a bit more sense. (Nice description, btw)

Gondahar met his eyes. He stared into them coldly.


I'd combine these two sentences, replacing "he" with "and."

He spun around, and walked hastily to the marble staircase at the back of the room.


Another comma. ^_^

Quick Question: Is this marble staircase hidden or out in the open? If it's out in the open, I'm wondering why nobody's found those chambers.

Then, as quickly as it had appeared, Gondahar sensed the weapon disappearing.


~ How could a weapon disappear?

~ You're probably going to explain this later, but how could he sense the weapon?

He will, in all likeliness be returning from Vileri.


Either delete the comma after "will" or add one after "likeliness" for better flow.

“And we couldn't have expected to have known beforehand.


"Have" gets a little repetitive here.

It passage spiraled downwards,


I would delete "passage" here, since you just mentioned it in the line before. ^_^

He watched as she took the handle of the big gold key and pushed it into the keyhole. It turned. She pushed the door open.


Since the dialogue above this paragraph indicates choosing the key is some sort of test, I'd mention something about a passing a test here.

Each torch held a different flame: Red, green, blue, yellow, violet, orange, silver and gold.


I'd like a mention of what each colour stands for here, and a more detailed version later, if need be. ^_^

The last time he had come to this room, the book's cover had been a bright blue. Now, it was a volcanic red.


This ties into the nit-pick right before, but I'd like to know what those colours mean.

I say my goodbye here.


Here or now? :)

~

Sentence Length: It can be a bit choppy at times, although it creates a rather good effect. I'd just watch you don't do it all the time, because short can begin to loose their effect if used too much.

Magic: I'd start putting more emphasis on the magic and explaining it. You had three mentions of magic here: The colours, the book and Gondahar's ability to sense weapons. Readers will begin to get confused if you don't start explaining some stuff soon. ^_^

Dialogue: Some of Gondahar's dialogue here seems a bit info-dumpy and stiff. It's following the same path as past chapters, but the way he just tells information like that, without much reason, can be a bit confusing.

To solve some of that "stiffness," I'd mention more about controlling emotion. You mention that Miana was controlling her emotions well, but there is no "why." Answer that and the problem will be solved, to an extent. You'd still need to add something about things he tells her being tests to prove herself. If that's what they are.

Overall: Yay! Miana gets her adventure! I liked how that was foreshadowed in the past chapters, and the way things are unfolding so far.

I'd work on explaining some of the magic and tests Miana undergoes a bit more. Since that's now becoming a more prime element, I think a few more hints are needed. ^_^

Nice work! If you have any questions, just drop me a line.

~Rosey



If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave.
— Mo Willems