z

Young Writers Society


16+ Violence

Breaking News 3: the Systelin Incident

by MandlynProductions


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

Systelin X is installing updates, 33% complete

66% complete

99% complete

Installation complete

(The desktop screen is now visible, several windows are scattered across the page with the picture of a model with a candy cane colored scarf surrounded by a dark pink background.)

Internet Surveyer.exe running

(The page shows a rectangular bar the phrase infinity browser above it in a gray font.)

Key words, “Hot new trends” put into the search bar

…

…

…

123,000 results found (0.22 seconds)

Amazonia.com URL is being processed

…

…

(THE SITE IS VIRUS FREE)...

(A green and white page has been pulled up, displaying nine different items of clothing, most of which are provocative and exposing)

Systelintype.exe running

(A blank page has been opened, with nothing more than a white background)

Client is typing

…

…

Words analyzed

“Ugh, all the Amazonian stuff is for skanky girls, I am way too good for this stuff, I guess I will have to try Ebuy.”

Current window terminated

New window opening

…

…

Ebuy typed into search bar

…

…

…

Ebuy.com has been processed

…

…

(THIS SITE IS VIRUS FREE)

(The page shows 10 different pages to different list of purchasable items, not to mention a search bar and plain white background.)

Words “hot and trendy” typed into search bar

…

…

…

0 results for “hot and trendy”

Current type window terminated

Current surveyor window terminated

New window running

Words “Hot clothes for free” typed into the search bar

…

11 results (0.0000000000001 seconds)

URL “Verex Vendor” analyzing

…

…

(WARNING HIGH THREAT VIRIS DETECTED)

The page shows a message with black text and a white background

“Due to the safety software on this computer, we cannot allow you to continue.”

Hazardfree.exe deleted

The page is refreshed showing one big button

“Press here for free clothes!!!”

Free clothes.com being analyzed

…

…

…

(A rectangular box merges into existence)

“Address”

Text “264 Bluford drive” typed into textbox.

The newly existing enter box is clicked

A black screen flashes for a split second

Window automatically terminates

Genestealer.exe running

(The window becomes a blue screen with pieces of a badly drawn buzz saw on it.)

(The pieces automatically assemble, cloning it and vaporizing the blue screen.)

Extreme.exe running (A Photoshop tool)

Xcel.exe running (An Animation tool)

(The background returns to the model)

Blood splatter.jpeg ready

Replacement pink.jpeg ready

Cgswblde.vmv ready

Female scream.mp3 ready

Organ.jpeg ready

(The screen shows two cg saw blades cutting the woman in half and the blades consuming both halves, during which a female scream can be heard, afterward organs and blood are shown.)

Mndyn9000.exe running

Purple hill.vmv running

Hl9000.jpg running

(The screen now shows a distorted version of the default version of the default hill background of Systelin -99)

Blank.txt is now running

(In red font, Mndyn9000.exe types)

…

“Hello, I bet you are wondering what is happening and I will tell you what is happening.

I am a blackmailer who deals with idiots like you, so here is the situation.

I am a deadly virus and I will terminate you and this computer unless you give me $10,000.”

(In blue font, Kristen9986 is typing)

“Long day in hell, I’m not giving you squat.”

(Mdlyn9000.exe is typing)

“Boo Hoo, I’m already taking the money, I am sure your parents will disown you, except now its 15’000 dollars, from your dads 401K.”

“It’s been fun, but I have to go rig your security cameras, it’s been fun, but the real party begins when you turn around.”

(The channel VX 109 news switches on)

(The camera shows an African American man behind a desk.)

“Breaking News, a 16 year old girl was found skinned alive, this is one of 23 cases this week, let’s go to the scene.”

(The camera shows the crime scene with a Caucasian man with a piece of paper in his hand)

“The killing spree continues with this young, hopeful girl, but what’s left is all the same.

(The camera cuts to a still image showing a piece of copy paper with the words

“You never specified what you meant by “clothes”

Showing a picture of Hal 9000 under it.

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User avatar
48 Reviews

Points: 970
Reviews: 48

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Thu Jul 14, 2016 5:29 pm
Edelweiss wrote a review...



Hey there MandlynProductions, Edelweiss here for a review!
This was something new and interesting! From what I gathered the story takes place in futuristic times? Also it is about a 16 year old girl who is trying to order clothes but is hacked and murdered in her own household. It's a very sad story, but the way you have wrought kept me reading, terrific writing style by the way!
But, I had a hard time understanding what was happing because it was so confusing. I had to go back and reread the story several times. Particularly the ending, I think this can be easily fixed if you would tell the reader who is speaking. At the end you say there is a picture of Hal 9000, but what is Hal 9000? Overall I think this very creative, and I think you have great potential! Keep up the wonderful job!

-Edelweiss-




Edelweiss says...


I just noticed this is a sequel, huh I guess that explains a lot!





If you want to know who HAL 9000 is, try the pretty rectangle at the top of the page, and type three letters and four numbers, in other words, use the search bar. Or look at my profile picture for around 2 seconds.



User avatar
93 Reviews

Points: 3737
Reviews: 93

Donate
Thu Jul 14, 2016 10:41 am
Laurenh6 wrote a review...



Hi there, I remember reading your previous work - as your style is very distinct. So I thought I'd write you a review.

Beginning with your style, I find it intriguing. It's very logical and mimics technology in an effective way - being very step by step processed I suppose. It's incredibly unique and I haven't seen anything like it so I guess you should keep it up. One thing I will say though, I feel that due to your blunt sorta processed talk it's difficult to connect with your story. I feel like there was no/little build up to the hacker... You say the ""(The screen now shows a distorted version of the default version of the default hill background of Systelin -99)"" and the bit about the woman is good too.. I just find your tone a little cold.. And i guess that's what it is supposed to be.. but I feel like it's hard to relate to - I'm not sure how to advise you on that sorry.

However, I clicked on this because I love horror! Written one myself if ya wanna check it out

Watching

And I feel like your plot line was very good in this respect - I mean, I wasn't scared because you haven't really added in much emotion or sensual feeling to make me scared.. But I like how you've introduced your character - the villain- quite casually yet at the same time he seems quite sinister. What I want to know is who is controlling this computer? I am a little confused on that - and if you have mentioned it before then it needs mentioning again for reminder. It seems like you probably wouldn't want to - due to your style- but I would highly encourage more description. As I said before, there needs to be something more relatable I believe.

However, in some respects I do like how formatted it is.. with

""""Blood splatter.jpeg ready

Replacement pink.jpeg ready

Cgswblde.vmv ready

Female scream.mp3 ready

Organ.jpeg ready"""

made me chuckle a little bit but I admire how unusal it is - the way you say things.

Overall, I liked this. But if I am honest I feel l need more description if I am to connect to a story :) . You can obviously write really well so - congrats. I hope I could help you :)



Lauren :D






Analyzing complaint "more details"
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Result complete
"I put the missing details strategically so your brain could claculate the rest with the imagination material, terrifying concept I know.
Analyzing spelling and grammar
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...
...
"If you are going to review other people's content, then you should learn grammar and spelling.
Connection complaint
Analyzing
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Of course it is to be blunt, humans are predictable and boring so I got rid of the human part of the story.



Laurenh6 says...


Woah. I spent my own time writing a review for you, if you're not going to appreciate it then I won't bother in future. I couldn't care less about how you thought my grammar was in this review, I was just trying to get my point across... I was trying to help. I'm sorry if I've offended you.



Laurenh6 says...


Woah. I spent my own time writing a review for you, if you're not going to appreciate it then I won't bother in future. I couldn't care less about how you thought my grammar was in this review, I was just trying to get my point across... I was trying to help. I'm sorry if I've offended you.





I apologize, I was not aware of your sensitivity, I was just trying to give the best advice.
Note, you duplicated your comment




"I think; therefore, I am."
— René Descartes