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Breaking News-The Monolith

The recordings were salvaged ten months before operation Armegeddon.

(The camera zooms in on a young, caucasian woman with blonde hair.)

       "Good evening ladies and gentlemen, a commotion has been raised over a unusual theft."

(The camera zooms in on the Louvre, as the top four pieces of glass are missing from their usual positions.)

(A narrator describes the situation, apparently a small, blue orb was seen floating in the sky the night before the robbery took place.)

        "We have one of the reporters on the scene, take it away Justin."

        "Yes Beverly here we have a citizen who saw the orb, can you describe it please?"

        "Well, it was relatively small, about a foot in diameter, and it was hovering around the skyline, it seems that I was the only one looking. It wasn't very bright, but it was certainly noticeable, that being it was blue, do you have any other questions?"

(The blonde did not hesitate to ask about the Louvre.)

         "Well, I can't say for certain, but I think it may have stolen the plates, maybe it is using them to hide itself from us humans, don't know what we would do to it if we caught it."

(After thanking the senior citizen for his time, the camera cuts back to the blonde.)

          "If anymore information emerges, we will notify you of it, coming up next, the rally for Unemployment in the city of love."

(The next day, there is more news of the orb, the camera cuts back to the blonde)

           "Good evening ladies and gentlemen, four more of the glass plates are absent and now there is evedence pointing to the orb."

(The camera cuts to a forensic scientist examining blue dust left behind from the crime scene, the scientist then tells us that there is no scientific way that such a dust could exist and that the powder must of been custom made and the orb must of been a hoax.)

            "We may have evedence that something else is going on, footage has been found."

(the clip shows the orb hovering across Seine silently during a fishing trip, the camera was mounted in the silently as the orb hovered above, four glass pieces hovering around it, and none of the fishers noticed it as it flew over.)

(The camera cuts back to the blonde with a dumbfounded expression.)

              "Well, if that is a hoax, it is very well done, in fact, over ten different recordings have been sent to us, hoax or not, there is something else going on."

(The camera zooms out of the blonde as she taps her painted nails on the light brown board, her expression, worried.)

(The next day, another story about the orb has emerged, we zoom into the blonde.)

             "Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, it appears that another story has emerged about the orb. It seems that deep sea fishers have also seen the phomenom."

(The camera cuts to a brown haired man standing next to a drowsy, chubby fisher man.)

              "Alright sir, do you remember what you saw last night returning home?"

              "Yes I do, I saw what looked to be a gaint, eight-sided die underwater, it was extremely bright, and I have a hard time remembering what it looked like, I barely remember what I told you. Do you have any other questions you would like to ask me?"

(The brown haired man thanked the fisherman and the camera cut back to the blonde.)

               "Alright, that is all for now about the orb, up next, we go more in depth into a school shooting that shocked the world."

(The next mourning, we cut back to the blonde, a nervous look on her face.)

                "Good mourning ladies and gentlemen, today, footage of a UFO has been seen, here are a few of the details." 

(The footage shows a eight sided die, made up of eight triangular one-way mirrors, harmlessly floating through a town at a low speed.)

                 "Alright, we have a military official here to ask several questions, take it away Justin."

(Camera cuts to a pale,black haired man standing with a Chinese general, his name is not open to the public.)

                   "Alright sir, what do you think of the UFO floating through the Shanghai?"

                   "As long as the UFO remains docile, it is no concern of mine. If we did attack it in it's docile state, we would be wasting our and it's time."

                    "Thank you for your time sir."

(After politely bowing to the general, the camera cuts back to the blonde.)

                    "Up next, the Brazilians government unique solution to poverty."

(The next day, we cut back to the blonde, tapping her nails.)

                    "Good evening ladies and gentlemen, it seems that the eight sided die is far from harmless, take a look."

(The camera cuts to a GoPro, mounted to a tractor, the driver turns to look at the eight sided die as it rotates counter-clockwise, a tornado forming around it as the die fires a red mass, no bigger than a dragonfly into the clouds. After it fires the mass, it falls to the ground, not moving afterwards, the recording ends.)

                       "We have just received information that the military has confiscated the eight sided die, alright, next up, scientist say that cellphones may be damaging your brain.)

These are the last of the recordings before the missing planes incident began.

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
Sujana
Review
Sujana wrote a review · Tue Jun 21, 2016 1:02 pm

Another day, another cataclysmic end-of-the-world situation involving aliens. What a time to be a science fiction/disaster author!

This certainly had its unique colors when it comes to its form, though the plot itself is rather ordinary (for an unordinary situation)--an alien creature has arrived on Earth, and the reports grow graver and graver by the second. I can't say it's revolutionary (yet) as it doesn't seem to be over, so I might stick around to see how it goes down. Who knows? In the hands of a great author, this might get interesting.

But firstly, let's start with the highlights.

"(The camera zooms in on a young, caucasian woman with blonde hair.)"


Capitalize Caucasian.

"a commotion has been raised over a unusual theft."


Use 'an', not 'a'. All words that start with a vowel (a, i, u, e, o) use 'an', not 'a'.

"(A narrator describes the situation, apparently a small, blue orb was seen floating in the sky the night before the robbery took place.)"


I think the principle of Show Don't Tell applies here. You're telling us a narrator is describing the situation, but we don't actually see the narrator describe the situation, which feels odd.

""Yes Beverly here we have a citizen who saw the orb, can you describe it please?""


I think it would be appropriate if you said 'Yes, Beverly' to make it seem more natural.

""Good evening ladies and gentlemen, four more of the glass plates are absent and now there is evedence pointing to the orb.""


Evidence, not evedence. You misspell this word several times, so I suggest looking back to change the mistakes.

"I saw what looked to be a gaint, eight-sided die underwater"


I'm not sure if you mean die or dice. Isn't die a plural to dice? Does this mean that there's more than one dice? Also, giant, not gaint.

"(The next mourning, we cut back to the blonde, a nervous look on her face.)"


Morning, not mourning. Mourning=the act of sadness after a tragedy. Morning=the beginning of the day.

Now, onto the more substantial portion of the review!

A) While I did like the news report style of this work (especially the ordinary news that comes after the weird science fiction jumbo, it gave the work a sense of three-dimensionality--a lot more is going on in the world than just an alien invasion), I got the feeling that I wasn't really reading a news report. I don't know, while news reports are formal settings, none of the words that come out of the character's mouth sounds human to me. Everything sounds disturbingly flat, there's no intonation from the characters, no nervous chuckles or darting eyes, no awkward jokes about how cliche the situation is, no worried comments from the news reporters on the scene. Everything sounds just a little too perfect, you know? Allow your characters to breathe a bit.

B) I think you built up the situation quite well. You don't immediately go to hostile invasion territory, as some young authors might, but instead build it up so that nobody feels too panicked at first. It's a very good method of storytelling, good job.

Surprisingly, that's all I have for this work. Other than the proofreading errors, it's not a bad idea overall. If I would change anything, I suggest thinking about what makes your story interesting to readers--it'll spice it up a little bit more, you know?

Anyway.

Signing out,

--EM.

How analytically honest, there is already a seuqel, this was a prequel.
Breaking News

Ah, I'm sorry for that. Didn't pay attention enough, I'll admit.

User avatar
HobbitMan222
Comment

This is very interesting and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Although, I have one question. Shouldn't person at the beginning being interviewed be speaking French? I'm mean it's no big deal, in fact, I took it as an American tourist even though it says 'citizen.' Also the word 'evidence' is spelled wrong in the 16th paragraph. But overall, very good and interesting. Can't wait to hear more about the blue orb :3

Actually there is a seuqel, this is a prequel.Breaking news is a story I created and it is the seuqel

Cool! I'll check it out :3

I love your ideas for this! It is something I would totally read in my spare time and are absolutely positive others would as well. Not too many errors as far as grammar and spelling, but other than that it's great. Also, check some punctuation things in the middle part of the piece, but apart from that I loved it. I tried writing something like this myself awhile ago and it was very difficult, so good for you on making it work. Keep it up and Happy Writing!

~Ruby

This is a prequel, the seuqel, Breaking news has been created before you came here, feel free to take a look at a few of my stories. The



You walk into this room at your own risk, because it leads to the future, not a future that will be but one that might be. This is not a new world, it is simply an extension of what began in the old one. It has patterned itself after every dictator who has ever planted the ripping imprint of a boot on the pages of history since the beginning of time. It has refinements, technological advances, and a more sophisticated approach to the destruction of human freedom. But like every one of the super states that preceded it, it has one iron rule: logic is an enemy and truth is a menace.
— Rod Serling