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Young Writers Society



The Three Lockets [Chapter 12.1]

by Mageheart


Words: 1,165

Last Line(s): “Maybe I'll see you soon,” she said.

Lira gave her a small smile of her own.

“I hope so,” Lira answered.

And with that, Cass began her journey.

Chapter 12

Walking through the tunnel alone didn't feel as magical as walking through it with Aspen had. She walked past the same floating lanterns that she had marveled at barely holding back tears, and, by the time she emerged from the darkness into the open field and path that lay beyond the tunnel, they were freely streaming down her face. She tried to focus on the strange trees and animals she saw scurrying around in the grass, but her mind stubbornly kept returning to Aspen.

Her hand grasped her locket and held it close to her chest.

She walked for a short distance until she found a good place to sit down and change. The tunic was exchanged for her loose t-shirt. The leggings were exchanged for her denim shorts. Her boots were exchanged for her sneakers. Putting on the familiar clothing help take some of her already growing homesickness away. And once she was dressed in something more comfortable, she felt like she could finally focus on the journey ahead of her. 

She consulted her map, and followed the dirt path underneath her feet for the next couple of hours. When necessary, she chose one path over the other, never straying from what the map depicted.

The sun slowly continued its journey across the sky; it was her sole companion on the lonely trek. It seemed like most animals were wise enough to avoid the path. The few ones she did see were birds with unfamiliar plumage that flew overhead, and the rare small, furry creature that darted across the path. After she saw the first few, she gave up on trying to find them in the guidebook that Lira had given her. The style of the book was too unfamiliar, and it took too long to compare the different species to what was pictured.

As the sun grew farther down on the horizon, the path began to leave the safety of the open field for a dense forest. The trees began to take on even stranger forms, their leaves strange shades of blue and their trunks thick and brown. The transition from somewhat familiar to completely foreign was accompanied by a chorus of unfamiliar animal cries. The rustling in the bushes that lined the path grew in frequency, and she saw an increasingly higher number of birds flitting from tree to tree.

She began to hum under her breath.

At first, she was just trying to push away some of her fear. She wasn't sure if the idea had any merit or not, but she had always felt that making noise was a decent way to keep animals away. The combination of that logic and the tune leaving her lips always made her feel better when she had to venture into the dark alone. But the more she hummed, the less alone she felt. The humming increased in volume and energy, and soon she was quietly singing the lyrics to whatever songs popped into her head. Time began to pass more quickly than before. Her heart still ached at the thought of Aspen being left in Rey, but, for the first time, she began to actually enjoy her journey.

The bits of blue sky she could see past the tree canopies began to turn into beautiful shades of red and orange.

Cass pulled off from the path. She didn't stray too far; if she needed to suddenly leave the site, she wanted to have it close by. The worst thing that could possibly would be for her to get lost in the unfamiliar and seemingly endless forest. Once a suitable spot had been determined, she set up the tent she had in her backpack and had a feast of Mountain House macaroni and cheese beside a roaring fire. She kept the mirror propped up against her backpack in the hopes that Aspen would message her using the mirror. But by the time she was pulling into her sleeping bag, the mirror still looked like a regular mirror.

She carefully slipped the mirror back into her pack. Aspen likely had been rushed from place to place by Mr. Ream's scientists throughout the day to make up for lost time and a lost locket. If she tried contacting her in the morning, she was sure she would get a response.

She fell asleep to a duet of her crackling fire and the distorted chirping of the strange bugs lurking in the darkness.

xXx

The council droned on in the background as she held back another yawn. She should have never started reading that book last night; she had been unable to put it down until the early hours of the morning, and the entire day had been spent in a groggy haze. She would catch up on sleep after this meeting, she promised himself. She had responsibilities, and she couldn't fulfill them when she was like this.

She fiddled with her necklace, her gaze traveling from those seated around the table to the nearby window. Night had long since fallen. The dark sky and endless array of stars provided the perfect backdrop to the rows of stone houses. It was in moments like this where she wished she had been gifted with her father's magic and not her mother's. The scenery could have been perfectly captured with just the right spell, but all she could do was marvel at the beauty of a scene she had seen thousands of times before.

Something moved out of the corner of her eye.

She rose from his seat, the room falling quiet as she approached the window. A brilliant streak of light burst across the sky. Its purple tint conjured memories of the stories that her father had told her when she was a child; it was the same color as the streak he had seen on the night he had met his future wife. 

Shooting stars were not meant to be her responsibility. They never had been, but neither had they been her father's. She bid the council goodbye, threw on her cloak and rushed out into the night. The streets were rarely occupied during this time of night, but she had to push through a growing crowd of people. None questioned the meaning of such a sight; all were far too busy scanning the skies for more. Shooting stars rarely happened on their own. Yet as she cut through the crowds, ran through the castle's gardens and dove into the darkness of the surrounding forest, the only lights above were the moon and the motionless stars.

She came to a stop when she saw the scorched trees. 

A figure sat, huddled, among a circle of fallen branches and burnt grass. Their back was turned to her, but the wings that were wrapped around their body identified them as what they truly were.

“Hello,” she said, a small smile dancing across her lips.

The fallen turned to look at her with violet eyes.

“Welcome to Telorum.”


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498 Reviews


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Mon Jan 07, 2019 5:21 pm
Que wrote a review...



Hi Mage!

I haven't done much reviewing on your story before, but I've been catching up on reading it, so I thought I'd just pop in with a few thoughts. :)

She consulted her map, and followed the dirt path underneath her feet for the next couple of hours. When necessary, she chose one path over the other, never straying from what the map depicted.

I know you don't want to draw this journey out for a huge length of time, but it might be good to add in something about orienting the map wrong and having to backtrack a few times, or at least stopping to eat and rest--that's always a must when hiking for several hours! And I like solitude and walking, but when in strange territory, I feel like Cass might start doubting or worrying about her surroundings, or what Aspen's up to.

After she saw the first few, she gave up on trying to find them in the guidebook that Lira had given her. The style of the book was too unfamiliar, and it took too long to compare the different species to what was pictured.

Sure, there's fun in identifying strange squirrel critters, but maybe she would be scanning the book for any animal that could potentially be dangerous to her? Just for peace of mind or more information.

Once a suitable spot had been determined, she set up the tent she had in her backpack and had a feast of Mountain House macaroni and cheese beside a roaring fire.

She fell asleep to a duet of her crackling fire and the distorted chirping of the strange bugs lurking in the darkness.

Okay forgive me, but I'm going to get into gritty backpacking details for a moment. I'm glad that she has food, though water is the most important. She seems to know a lot about hiking stuff, so maybe she should occasionally be concerned about her dwindling water supply and where rivers are and if it would be safe to refill--does she have a filter of some sort? Also I hope that she has some cooking pots for the mac and cheese, but a small camping stove would also help. It doesn't seem like an easy task to 1. build a hot fire in a strange forest and 2. to actually set it up so that a meal could be cooked over it. And then Cass should be smart enough not to just go to sleep with a roaring fire! Even if it's in a circle of rocks and probably dying out, she would probably take the time to put it out with some water or dirt.

On the dream bit: Woah, everything is purple/violet! It seems to have some kind of significance, but now it's popping up everywhere, so I don't know what the significance might be. It's a pretty cool segment, but if it's another of Aldonius's memories... well, the last one Cass had was pretty recent, with Aldonius going to Telorum, so is this one recent as well? Or is it past? I can't quite tell, though I'm leaning towards recent. Should be interesting for Cass when she gets to Telorum.

Overall, it was an interesting chapter. I did have my issues with the hiking and camping, but other than that Cass's journey is pretty plain. As Pan mentioned, some more detail there would be great, but you do set a good atmosphere and broad image. It sounds like the landscape is getting stranger and wilder and more lovely as Cass goes on!

The dream bit is also really cool, and I'm interested in the implications of the fallen actually just falling somewhere and other people having to deal with that.
Shooting stars were not meant to be her responsibility.

Do they call the fallen shooting stars, or could she (Aldonius?) not tell that it was one of the fallen? Also, if it's not her (his?) responsibility, whose is it? Is anyone responsible?

Anyway, I've had a lot of fun reading your story and look forward to reading more! :)

-Q




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Sun Dec 30, 2018 11:03 am
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Panikos wrote a review...



Heya, Mage! I'm determined to get through these before Review Day finishes!

Small Comments

by the time she emerged from the darkness into the open field and path that lay beyond the tunnel


She consulted her map, and followed the dirt path underneath her feet for the next couple of hours.


More description, please! She's seeing this for the first time, right? Is it remarkable? Is it surprisingly ordinary, no different to the countryside of her home world? Tell me about the colour of the sky, the vastness of the fields, details, details, details!

After she saw the first few, she gave up on trying to find them in the guidebook that Lira had given her. The style of the book was too unfamiliar, and it took too long to compare the different species to what was pictured.


That doesn't bode well, if she's going to have to use that same book to forage for food. Maybe best to avoid mushrooms, Cass.

The combination of that logic and the tune leaving her lips always made her feel better when she had to venture into the dark alone.


...Did Lira give her a torch? I feel like she'd be needing a torch soon, but one hasn't been mentioned. Unless Cass has one of her own in her backpack?

Once a suitable spot had been determined


Why is it suitable? Flat ground? Facing away from the wind? Gimme specifics. Show, don't tell.

The streets were rarely occupied during this time of night, but she had to push through a growing crowd of people. None questioned the meaning of such a sight; all were far too busy scanning the skies for more. Shooting stars rarely happened on their own. Yet as she cut through the crowds, ran through the castle's gardens and dove into the darkness of the surrounding forest


I'm a bit confused as to where they've come from and where they're going. I assumed they were in a castle at the beginning of the scene, which they then left to go out onto the streets. But then you mention them going to the castle gardens, which is puzzling - are they going back to the castle? Were they never there? Why are there crowds of people so close to the castle; surely it would be cordoned off from the public? Unless the crowds are made up of people who live in the castle? You mention the council, so maybe the narrator left some kind of parliamentary building...? I'm just not clear on where we started and where we're heading and who everybody is.

The fallen turned to look at her with violet eyes.

“Welcome to Telorum.”


ooooooooOOOOH! I like this!

Overall Thoughts

The main issue with this chapter is an old favourite: not enough description. It's a bit of recurring problem with your work, but it's worse here, probably because you wrote all of these chapters in such quick succession. Considering we've not seen much of the setting so far, I definitely hoped/expected for more setting description while Cass was travelling. There are bits of it here and there, but I don't think it's pulled together into a whole picture. I want to know about the smells, the sights, the sounds (though you do pretty well on those). I want to know how warm it is, how the grass feels, everything. Put me there. Give me little details about what's the same and what isn't.

The dream scene is definitely the most interesting part of this chapter, even if it suffers from the same sparse description, which consequently makes it a bit hard to follow. Nevertheless, I'm still really intrigued by who this person is. It should be Aldonius, but the perspective is 'she' again - and the father references make me pretty sure that this is the same perspective Cass experienced in chapter 10, though this seems like a much later memory. Is it Aldonius? Aldonius in a different form? Though I'm still wondering about my Aldonius-is-trans theory.

The idea that the fallen literally fall from the sky is really cool to me, actually. I feel like you could tease out the discovery for a little longer to build up the suspense. It's been affected by the LMS rush, but it'll be a really cool scene after some edits.

It's also got me thinking about the dream in chapter 10, where the girl's dad mentioned her mother and said only she could teach her how to touch the sky. At first, I assumed the mother must have died and that it was a reference to some Heaven equivalent. Now, I'm wondering if this mother is a god of some kind who doesn't reside in Rey. If Nebris is crushing on Lira, relationships between gods and mortals presumably have happened before, surely? This is only one step further, though I might be way off the mark.

Anyhow, I think that's about all I've got for this review. Good stuff, even if it's a bit rushed. Can't wait to read the next bit!

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




Mageheart says...


Thanks for the review!

...Did Lira give her a torch? I feel like she'd be needing a torch soon, but one hasn't been mentioned. Unless Cass has one of her own in her backpack?


She didn't, but Cass does have one in her bag! I just forgot to mention it. ^^" Her bag is heavily stylized after the kits that my dad made for himself and the rest of my family, with a few extra additions because goes hiking on her own.

I'm a bit confused as to where they've come from and where they're going. I assumed they were in a castle at the beginning of the scene, which they then left to go out onto the streets. But then you mention them going to the castle gardens, which is puzzling - are they going back to the castle? Were they never there? Why are there crowds of people so close to the castle; surely it would be cordoned off from the public? Unless the crowds are made up of people who live in the castle? You mention the council, so maybe the narrator left some kind of parliamentary building...? I'm just not clear on where we started and where we're heading and who everybody is.


Shoot, I forgot to describe the building - it was a parliamentary building in the center of town.

Nevertheless, I'm still really intrigued by who this person is. It should be Aldonius, but the perspective is 'she' again - and the father references make me pretty sure that this is the same perspective Cass experienced in chapter 10, though this seems like a much later memory. Is it Aldonius? Aldonius in a different form? Though I'm still wondering about my Aldonius-is-trans theory.


I probably should clarify this after the first dream in the story, but Cass is seeing the memory through her perspective as a dream. So even though it might be the memories of her contracted, she would see it as herself. Aldonius would have the opposite thing going on: when he sees her memories in his dreams, male pronouns are used because it's supposed to be him experiencing it.

The idea that the fallen literally fall from the sky is really cool to me, actually. I feel like you could tease out the discovery for a little longer to build up the suspense. It's been affected by the LMS rush, but it'll be a really cool scene after some edits.


Thank you! I don't know where I got the idea from, but I thought it would be a beautiful visual to include in the story.

Now, I'm wondering if this mother is a god of some kind who doesn't reside in Rey. If Nebris is crushing on Lira, relationships between gods and mortals presumably have happened before, surely? This is only one step further, though I might be way off the mark.


I won't say too much, but your second guess is closer to the truth than the first. :)

Thanks again for the review! I can't wait to see what you think of the next two chapters, though I'm worried they might suffer from the same lack of description - imagery is the thing that I struggled the most with in all of my writing.



Panikos says...


Ahhhh - that memory thing does make sense, but it's definitely something you should clarify. Maybe rather than just using 'she' in the memory scenes, actually use Cass's name occasionally? Then it'll be clear that Cass sees herself in these dreams, because my assumption has always been that it was another female character whose name we didn't know. That quells my suspicions about Aldonius not actually being her contracted, then!




"For a short space of time I remained at the window watching the pallid lightnings that played above Mont Blanc and listening to the rushing of the Arve, which pursued its noise way beneath. The same lulling sounds acted as a lullaby to my too keen sensations; when I placed my head upon my pillow, sleep crept over me; I felt it as it came and blessed the giver of oblivion."
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein