author's note: hello there! this poem is based on my character in the pheligian falcon: prison break, a storybook where a group of prisoners (and a guard) hatch a plan to escape from the ship they're stuck on. i recently explored my character, empyrean lode, and his backstory in my latest post in the storybook. i wanted to expand on his childhood with a poem, so here we are! you hopefully don't need to read the story to get this poem, but i definitely recommend checking out the links i shared if you want to know more about lode and the other characters. :)
- - -
named for the heavens
your parents told you
to shine like the cosmos
you were named for,
but you can't see the glimmer
of their dying suns
past the red rain
falling from the ceiling.
you don't know how to turn
the space debris in your pocket
into a new beginning.
maybe that tourist from danerth
(who was too busy
flipping through his checks
to notice a skeleton of a boy
reaching into his coat)
would know how to leave
this planet's rotten core.
as you finger the stolen debris,
you wonder
why your parents
would want you to be
made of light and fire
when everyone on xelea knows
that the guards dispose of
the broken lights
that burn too fast and too bright.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hello mage! Here for a review.
Well, I don't have words to describe or express my feelings. It hit me hard inside my heart which made me feel like what I am feeling at the moment. I have a thousand of question to be actual whose answers might be very easy but I still want to clarify–
What's the red rain? Why are there so many suns in your poem. It should be one, till now I have only seen one.
My favourite part was:
why your parents
would want you to be
made of light and fire
when everyone on xelea knows
that the guards dispose of
the broken lights
that burn too fast and too bright.
Overall, good job!!!!
Hi Magebird! I'm here to do a review of your poem
I haven't read your storybook yet, but I did read a little bit of information about your character just because I was curious.
I really love this poem though, it's beautiful! To me it feels a bit bittersweet, due to the combination of hope and daydream-like wishes of your character's parents with your character's feelings of disappointment and hopelessness (at least that's what I'm getting, and I don't know how to word it better!). I liked every single line that you wrote, but I think that my favorite part would have to be when you wrote this:
There are parts of this poem that I feel are relatable to some extent as someone who does deal with a lot of existential dread, especially the last part of your second stanza when it mentions wanting to leave the planet's rotten core.
I don't really have any critiques for you for things that I feel you could work on, I liked everything about this! I think the only thing I can think of to address was the last line of your first stanza when you wrote about how red rain was falling from the "ceiling". I thought this was an interesting choice of words, since usually people would write "sky" instead of "ceiling", so I wonder if this was intentional or not. Overall though, great work! Keep up the great writing! I'll have to check out your storybook sometime.
Hey, Zekcede here.
I love this so much! I read it without prior context, but I'm going to go read the work you wrote just to get some background later. Even without any information, the poem is breathtaking. The thing is, it's so different than what I normally read, and I really enjoyed reading your work, and the writing style is amazing. Thank you for this work of art
- Z