the weight of twenty years
settles in your gut.
you kept telling yourself
that age was just a number
as you stood at the border
of childlike wonder
and dreariness of
whatever comes after.
you tried giving
the after a name,
but your scale broke
when you try putting
those twenty years
right in its center.
maybe it’s adulthood.
maybe it's the partying
and the summer jobs
and the midlife crisis
you’re not supposed to get
until you’re fifty
but everyone gets
when they’re twenty-five.
maybe those twenty years
weigh exactly sixty-six pounds.
or maybe they weigh an infinity,
endlessly looping and restarting
as hands push you past
the border you’ve teetered on
ever since you turned eighteen.
the hands forgot how twenty years
is lighter than air when looked at
from the outside,
but how they're really heavy enough
to sink you into the abyss
that grabs at you
like the responsibility
that everyone but you
thinks you’re not ready for.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hey Mage! Incoming review!
I love so much of your poetry but this one stands out. It speaks louder than the rest with genuine cries. I love your imagery especially this,
I would also like to point out the point of view you used. You used 2nd person which is talking directly to the reader, but in this poem it really brings forth a sense of absentmindedly talking about how the weight of 20 years is too much to carry. Even though your poem is directly about 20 years of life, it can still be true for any big milestone of age.
A point I would like to comment on for critique would be these lines,
The numbers you used are too perfect if that makes sense. I mean to say that 50 is an even number and a multiple of 5. And 25 goes into 50 exactly 2 times. The flow of the line with "until you're fifty" needs another syllable. Perhaps you could use fifty-six to add the syllable and fix the "perfectness" of the numbers.
That was the only real critique I had for this poem because so much of it I see is stylistic. And it is very pretty. Again, the poem is so beautiful and the tone is so perfectly done. Keep writing! Anyway byeeeeeeeeeee<3
Hey there!
Age is such an interesting thing -- it carries cold facts but everyone reacts to the addition of years in different ways, compared to however their circumstances are.
Here, it is addressed as a scale, as maybe a weight that pushes against you, or a rock that can leave you pinned to the truth of what has happened. The carrying idea of numbers goes through this poem neatly, like a number line that keeps getting ripped off before it ends -- going back and forth between twenty or twenty-five or tossing out sixty-six as this arbritrary number that made me think for a second.
I think this is pretty effective -- the second stanza overall feels the weakest, maybe because it doesn't feel like it adds much to the narrative. I would say to either tie in the "scale" into the first part of the third stanza, "maybe it's the [scale of] adulthood" or something akin to that for my personal tastes.
The ending sums up this well, as this feels like a weird time to be given responsibility and made to feel like an adult suddenly is what your life has turned into, despite not really feeling that way even after all this time, and that feeling of someone pushing you forward even while you're not wanting to be pushed further.
I'd find it a bit curious to inquire some references to other ages/what ages you also felt this inexplicable shift in your mindset/viewpoint of others -- I know you've written about some other milestones in your life, but it'd be interesting to see a kind of composition of all the number/age related ones, such as the reference to how you felt at eighteen.
Anyway, I just wanted to leave you a bit of a review and a bit to think about. Happy poeting!
Hello Magebird.
Your poem really resonated with me beause it touched on some very real feelings that, being a 20-year-old myself, can definitely relate to! There honestly isn't anything I can offer by way of feedback other than it was beautifully written and very thought provoking.
Great job!
Rachel
Hey Magebird!
This poem sounds like some pretty heavy stuff! Twenty is a pretty big milestone this early on in life, so congratulations! I'm seventeen and my Dad says that I'm not even close to being twenty lol.
Anyways, here's a few things that I had in mind while reading this poem. It kind of feels like the flow is a little off to me. Some of the sentences run on/feel too long and it messes with the rhythm. It might just be me though because I'm a bit of a grammar freak. Also, the wording feels like it's moving between the past and present tense at times. For example: "...but your scale broke when you try putting those twenty years right in it's center."
My favorite part of the poem was when you mentioned twenty years being so heavy that it can "sink you into the abyss" and I thought that that was some very good imagery. Great job and good luck with your twenties!
Hullo there, Magebird! I'm Onkle Peter, and while Vilnius takes a nap, I'll be taking care of reviewing this today, how does that sound? My colleague has informed me that I have to finish writing before you can respond, so maybe I ought to do that first, aye? Forgive me and my feeble mind.
I understand how you feel, though, lass-- every now and again, an important birthday comes and adds a little bit to that feeling of being overwhelmed.
Ah, to be 20 again! I'm-- well, to be honest, I'm so old that I can't remember how old I am, so I just smile, nod, and eat my cookies whenever someone thinks I'm old ;-; Anyways, my mind's getting a wee bit off track, isn't it? As I was saying, 20 is a good, nice, ripe, young age to be. Very energetic most of the time.
I think that most people your age and younger feel like you do because you feel as though you aren't ready. Everything has and also hasn't been leading up to that exact moment simultaneously, but then it comes, and then it goes, a bit like my ability to remember things.
I promise you, though, that you're ready for it. You seem like an intelligent lass, and I'd wager that you're in for a nice, long, happy life. So long as you keep yourself out of trouble and eat plenty of cookies, you'll be alright!
Bye bye now!
~Onkle Peter