how
many eldest daughters
have
sat in the solitude of their bathrooms
and
hoped that the hum of the fan above
drowns
out the tidal wave of thoughts
crashing
into their mind?
how
many eldest daughters
have
leaned against the bathroom wall
to
become stable
because
school never
taught
them how to navigate
the
independence of adulthood
when
they're still living
at
home with their families?
how
many eldest daughters
have
turned to the overflowing laundry baskets
in
their slightly open closets
and
known it wasn't their responsibility
to
always clean the clothes,
but
were already doing the mental math
to
figure out how many cycles
it
would take for everything
to
finally be clean?
how
many eldest daughters
have
gripped their legs tight
against
their unsteady chests
clad
in their college's hoodies
and
stared at their
hollow
reflections in the hopes
that
a mythical older sibling
would
appear?
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138,304 Literary Works • 672,100 Reviews
Hi Mage, happy RevMo!
I'm here reviewing your poem for the checklist challenge.
So, first of all, I'm an only child, but, even though I can't relate with this poem, I do feel empathetic. The imagery and the repetition is fantastic.
I love the opening stanza. It sets the mood for how the rest of the poem will be. Also, I just adore the last two lines. I love the metaphor of the wave.
The ending stanza is fantastic! So many times, I've wished I had a sibling to share experiences with or learn from. It's kind of a bittersweet feeling. I'm heading to college next year, and I know that I'd want an older sibling to help me through it. I really don't have any critiques to give; this poem is so great!
Valkyria
Hey Kari here with a review!
God as an eldest daughter (and grandkid AND cousin) I related to this song much
"how many eldest daughters
have turned to the overflowing laundry baskets
in their slightly open closets
and known it wasn't their responsibility
to always clean the clothes,
but were already doing the mental math
to figure out how many cycles
it would take for everything
to finally be clean?"
Yep, so many times I just sit on the floor of the laundry room and try not to have a breakdown. Wandering when it'll end. (The pain in case that's not clear)
Sorry that you had to go through something similar and I hope your doing better now!
And i don't really have any critique but I liked it!
<3
<3
As an eldest daughter with only two months left of highschool, I really related to this- It does a good job of describing the fear, loneliness, and insecurity I often feel when I think about leaving home. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for commenting. <3 <3 I'm sorry that you were able to relate to this so well.
Not a review, but I absolutely loved this.
Thanks!! <3
This is big sad...
Best line is
Overall though, a great poem with lots of feeling!
LCP
Thank you!
I'm not a college student yet but those last four lines hit really hard
<3
<3 <3
Hi Magebird,
Mailice here with a short review!
First of all, I have to say that I really enjoyed the poem and it made me feel like I'm going to see my older sister a little bit with different eyes. I never thought about all the things she had to (and still has to) go through.
The repetitive echoing of "how many eldest daughters" feels stronger with each new paragraph, like a scream you want to get rid of, which is just a soft whimper at the beginning and increases until the breakdown is in front of you. It seems very dramatic, and good.
Your examples are realistic and give me a little too much of that queasy feeling that this is also about loneliness. Not really understanding as a firstborn what the reason for existence is and the search for a stable future, trying to make everything perfect without breaking down inside.
This is the passage I liked the most because it is simply a very powerful expression of this "eldest daughter". It represents the mental conflict between the daughter's own inner life and the responsibility she places on herself. (Also, I think, if the theme were not about the eldest daughter now) could also be applied to a mother who is a housewife. I can literally imagine the eldest daughter sitting there on the cold tiled floor, not knowing what to do.
The poem represents a sad reality. You have really managed to sum it up in simple yet powerful words.
Mailice.
Thank you so much for your review! I'm glad you enjoyed this poem as much as you did - and that it made you reevaluate how you view your older sister. I think being an eldest daughter can vary depending on the family and the circumstances, but I do feel like there's a trend of eldest daughters feeling like they have to carry a lot of weight on their shoulders.
Hiya Ashlyn here with review NO.3!
This is a relatable setting. All of us at one point or another have isolated themselves into a room, just needing a break from the responsibility. And I've gotta be honest: The hum of a fan is really comforting.
You really don't have to think your the only one going through life <33
I don't have genuinefeedback here, just peeves specific to me-so feel free to take it as you wish. Anyway, the first thing that could be changed is the lowercase capitalization. Capitalization is stylistic choice granted, but it does make poems look professional iamo
Maybe you could expand on the themes presented here, especially solitude?
From my understanding, solitude is a recurring theme in this poem, and not only that but, though I'm not an adult yet, I can see that it's a very...solitary experience.
You father's no longer there to pick you up when you fall, your relationship with your mother isn't what it should be, and there's a part of you that wants her help more then anything. You're middle-school/high-school friends have all moved on, and ultimately it everything is up to you, which is a new and frightening idea. And the fact that most people at work are irresponsible and immature doesn't help.
And time, what's time? Your always rushing, and only have time to eat a poptart, or toast, or yogurt, or whatever's quick.
I'd call that isolated, and hitting on those points might be a good idea.
Alternatively you could try expanding on why those feelings are cropping up, and why they hurt so much. Explaining that could be beneficial.
Let me get the sentiment out of the way first: Nothing can really prepare one for adulthood. You can tell someone their shoulders are going to ache from now on, and give them the so-called tools, but it's all a simulation really.
Nothing can compare to the actual real life experience and the emotion.
Just a thought
Also these lines really hit hard somehow:
Now getting down to the gritty, and the nitpicky really quick: the structure here seems a bit off to me.
Stanzas one, and two seemed to lengthy in contrast to stanzas fix and fix. I found that a little off putting.
Now, to wrap things up, this poem is a personal one (especially since you wrote it as a rant type thing) and it's up to you if you take my suggestions, but I hope this review helped <3
-Ashlyn Phoenix
PS: I feel the need to add this iamo, but I'm not claiming to understand what it's like being an adult, I'm just attempting to empathize/react-interact to what you've written. If I got something wrong, I'd totally understand if you feel the need to call me out
Thank you so much for your review! Your comments were really helpful.