And as he gazed, he looked upon a gorgeous yellow ball of light. For he had never see the sun. He’d been locked up for years, longing to feel the rays upon his skin. The window was cold as his fingertips touched the pane.
Sounds echoed through the solid white marbled corridor. Startled he ran down the hall to the double doors at the end. His future, he knew, lay beyond it. Taking a deep breath, Jaxson through the doors open. He breathed in the fresh air deeply. It was crisp and warm, making him light headed. As the sun shined on his face he grinned. He stood there for a moment, soaking up the sun’s beautiful rays.
He could here shouting coming from inside the sterile stone building. Jaxson ran, far from the building, as fast as his legs would carry him. Jaxson wanting to marvel at the world around him, didn’t dare look back. The men who had him locked up were following him. Chasing after him. He kept running into a densely covered wood, up a hill. He found himself struggling for air, heart racing, legs burning. Wanting to know his limits, he kept running until he couldn’t anymore. Jaxson quickly looked around, then bending, he put his hands on his knees, gasping for air, waiting for it to catch up with him. He laughed, but not too loud for he was still afraid the men were following him.
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140,522 Literary Works • 673,294 Reviews
Hey there! Awesome story. I really liked the way you portrayed Jackson, a boy who has been locked up for ages. But I was kind of confused. Why actually was he locked? How did he escape? Who locked him up? And I think a bit more description about Jackson would really help other readers. Like his clothes, his likes and dislikes and other stuff. You could also give more information about the surroundings, like the prison cell, the place where he stopped running and other stuff.
Now, to grammar and spelling and punctuation mistakes.
Okay first thing
You wrote "His future, he knew, LAID beyond it"
I thing lay would sound much better instead of laid.
Second
You wrote "The sun shined on his face, he grinned, soaking up the Suns beautiful rays"
Okay, this sentence was pretty weird. I think this would sound better : "As the sun shines on his face, he grinned...."
And there's supposed to be an apostrophe in 'SUN'S'
Third
You wrote "It was Crisp, and warm...."
I think the comma is not needed after crisp.
Fourth
You wrote "There was shouting coming from the inside the stone building."
I think this would sound better : "He could hear shoutings..."
And the is no need of 'THE' before inside the stone building.
Fifth
You wrote "Jackson wanted to marvel at the world around him, however he didn't dare...."
I think a full stop after around him would be better and a comma after 'however'.
Sixth
You wrote "the men keeping him hostage, Jackson didn't even know why"
I think this would be better : the men were keeping him hostage and Jackson didn't even know why.
Seventh
You wrote "Jackson quickly looked around, then bending putting his hands on his knees, he gasped for air...."
Change it to "Jackson quickly looked around, then bending, he put his hands on his knees, he gasped for air,
There should be more punctuations but otherwise, this story was awesome.
I can't help you much with what could happen next because of the lack of information. But I really liked this story. Keep writing and I hope to read the full thing later when you're done.
~StoryBRAINiac
Yes this is just a work in progress, and i really love the help with grammer thanks.
Hi,
It's a good story in terms of imagery. I can feel the man's amazement at the sun, but I do have a problem with that. Was he locked up ever since he was born? But otherwise, this feels like the prologue for a good story, especially given that there has to be so much character development. There are a few issues with grammar and flow in the story; for example the sentence "The men keeping him hostage... " should be "The men were keeping him hostage." "The sun shined on his face, he grinned, soaking up the the suns beautiful rays" should either be two separate sentences or there should at least be a semi-colon in between. There should also be a semicolon where the comma is in "however, he didn't dare look back, for all he knew..." In a bunch of other places you should have left commas to help the reader through the story, because otherwise it would feel way too forced and rambling, but with them it would be an interesting piece to read.
-topkek
Thanks so much and yes agreed i am bad at grammer