autumn's falling

Hi! there MaddieNicolette

This could be a novel or a short story. It was a nice chapter waiting for its other details to be spilled. Hence, you had let us imagine what Abigail looked like. The descriptions were well-written thus, making us curious 'I' looked like.

Also, I just read a few errors which you can work on. The most common ones that I saw were:

“No (.) ,” I said

and

...sacredly cat (.) ,” (S)she nudged

^use a comma to separate the dialogue from the tag line. Hence, on the latter one, make use of a small letter to start the tag line.

With that said, I hope to read more from you
>Cha

Hey Maddie! I'm here as promised. I hope you've been enjoying YWS so far! If you have any more questions, don't hesitate to ask!

So first off, I really liked the atmosphere of this short. The characters were cute, the crushing seemed realistic, and the dialogue flowed well. However, one thing that struck me on my first read through was how quickly it cuts off, how short it is. Is this a short story that isn't completed? You were doing well with tension building and the introduction of characters, but were you planning to continue? I was just curious, because it seemed like a snippet from another, longer story instead of a completed short story.

I'm going to be pretty nitpicky and go through things I felt could be improved. Just know that these are all suggestions and that it's you, the author, who decides what to do with them!

First off, while I liked the beginning of the characters, I also felt that you could have expanded more on them. The beginning with the introduction of Abby was great, but after that you didn't mention her physically at all. I'd like to know the color of her eyes, if she has freckles, what clothes she's wearing. I'm not saying that you need to dump all of that at the beginning, because as it is, the intro paragraph is really good. That's another reason I feel you should lengthen the story, and get in more description.

I'd also like more characterization for the narrator. I don't even know his(?) name here. All I know is that he has a crush on Abby (and you did a great job with that) but what else about him? What are his passions? What else do he and Abby talk about that makes him love her? Things like that to think about.

And now some quotes from the story that could be fixed. I marked specific things that may be off with grammar or punctuation just to be helpful. ^-^

The fall weather gave me chills, or was that her, the way she made me feel?

This sentence felt a wee bit awkward to me. I think there are two ways it could work better.
1) You get rid of the last part of the sentence, "the way she made me feel". I think the reader can assume this part easily enough, because you make it clearer later on that this is definitely a crush. But it's up to you.
2) You can split it into a few sentences, like this: "The fall weather gave me chills. Or was that her? The way she made me feel ______ (something about how he feels butterflies in his stomach or something). Hope that's clear at all. Feel free to ask!

I began to walk forward carefully, and she jumped out behind me, scaring me. She chuckled as I jumped.

I felt that this sentence was a bit passive. You described the actions, and that was it. What emotions are they feeling? Build the tension so the reader is slightly scared too! Something like this:
The dead grass rustled behind him, and he whipped around. "Who is it?" he asked, feeling irrational fear growing in his chest. Then, Abby jumped out! He jumped, stumbling back in fear. She chuckled.

You see how that brings up the tension? Look at each sentence, and see if you can expand it to make the reader feel what your characters are feeling.

“Did I get you?” She asked,

The "s" should be lowercase in "she".

“Tell me the truth, sacredly cat.”

Typo. "Sacredly" to "scaredy, I believe.

“Maybe a little.” I told her using my fingers to show her.

One, the period after "little" should be a comma. This is a great link for dialogue tags. Second, the action described is slightly confusing. Perhaps change it to, "I pinched my fingers together to show her how little."

I watched her talk, as we walked down the path, I wasn’t really sure what she was saying, I was just soaking in the moment, hoping it wouldn’t end soon

This is a run on sentence! There are too many commas and not enough complete thoughts. Separate this into two or more separate sentences, and expand on them for more description. For example, is his heart beating faster? Does he fantasize about those moving lips kissing him? (maybe a little to personal, but hey, this is a guy's head, right?) Stuff like that.

But like every great moment it did,

The beginning of this sentence was also confusing, because it's intentions were unclear, even though it was relating to the sentence before it. I would clarify by putting something like, "But like every great moment it did come to a skidding halt," just to make it clear that you are referring to the thing the reader thinks you're referring to.

She reached into it and pulled out the I-phone, her face became grave and sullen.

This is an comma splice with no clause connection. You want to add a connecting word such as "and" or "then" to make it work, or you can make it a separate sentence. I also believe that it's iPhone.

She shook her head as if in shock.

Isn't she in shock? If so, then you don't need the "as if".

He’s in the hospital.” She said, covering her shocked mouth with her hand.

Again with dialogue, but I already mentioned that. What bothered me here was the "shocked mouth". Can a mouth really be shocked? A person can be shocked. Their eyes and mouth can show that they're shocked, but the body parts themselves don't feel the emotion. So I would describe this differently. The action of covering one's mouth often portrays shock as it is, so I'm not even sure if it's necessary to include "shocked" in this sentence. Your choice, though!

“You have to drive me there now.” She said urgently.

Dialogue, once more. But this also felt a little flat. She just found out her father is in the hospital! She's shocked! She's scared! The word "said" seems a bit to calm for this, even if she's urgent. Maybe she's begging him to drive her. Crying out in a strangled voice. Something more emotive, but a synonym of "said". Do you see what I mean? Leave this short section with a bang, with emotions running rampant, and send the reader away with the same emotions as the characters.

Sorry for being so nitpicky, but I know that you have a lot of potential and I want to help! I know that you can polish this to the best it can be.

So overall, I liked the feel of this. The length was a bit odd and you should review dialogue rules. But other than that I just think that expanding on description will improve it a lot, and if you edit it I'd love to give a second review! Thanks for sharing this.

Keep writing and being amazing!

~Night