A baby clung to the young mother’s breast as it cried for food. The young child, after satisfied, fell asleep still clinging to the woman’s body. She rocked it back and forth, cooing as she stroked the sweet child’s head. She smiled as she felt her child breathe, rise and fall went the chest of the sweet baby. She grinned for the child’s hair reminded her of down feathers on a duckling, thus became her nickname, Little Duck.
Duck grew up in a society that knew not of beauty. In fact the people who lived there were quite repelling, disease ridden, and downright ugly. This is because of the witch that ruled the kingdom. This witch had passed herself off as their queen. Jealous of her people’s beauty, she cast a spell on them, cursing them all to a fate without beauty. Duck however, was very unlike the kingdom in which she lived. Little Duck had grown into a lovely young girl, beautiful inside and out. Duck was different and for that the kids her age make fun of her.
Duck was in first grade when the teasing began. Out on the playground the kids were playing make believe. The children were trying to decide who would be the Queen, for they already had the King. As the usual all the girls yelled, and screamed they wanted to play the Queen. Duck normally quiet, found within her a small desire to play the Queen.
“I’d like to be the Queen.” She said quietly. However, all the kids must have heard for they stopped what they what they were doing and looked at her. Duck squirmed underneath the pressure of the kids eyes. Her heart fluttered in anticipation, waiting for the kids to say something, anything.
“You?” One of the girls screeched, laughing. Bashful Duck looked at her feet, kicking the gravel. “You can’t play the Queen, you look nothing like her.”
“Yeah you’re too ugly to play our Queen.” An older boy said grimacing at her. The word resonated in her ear, ugly. Her eyes started to water but she just nodded, silently agreeing with the children. The kids believed she was ugly, not because she actually was, but because she was different than them. The kids made the decision to have her be the Queen’s slave, obeying her every whim. Duck agreed, whipping the hurt from her vibrant blue eyes. This was only the first time the teasing occurred, in middle school the children nicknamed her Ugly Duckling.
You may be wondering where, and what the Queen has been up to and whether or not she knew about Duck. However the Queen was where she always is, up in the highest tower in her castle. She knew not of the child named Duck, or of her beauty.
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I like the concept of the story, and I also enjoyed the writing. However, I do have one concern. When you mentioned that the people of the town were "downright ugly" I think it's a little vague--yet on the nose.
I think it's vague because what is ugly to you? I think it's on the nose because ugly is somewhat a harsh label and what you consider ugly/beautiful most likely will offend readers.
I get the impression that the story is to teach everyone, especially children, the perception of beauty and how it differs in the eyes of others. If that's the case, then many people who may share the attributes of those considered "ugly" might find offense in your story. Even worse, children may believe they have to change some part of themselves to make be beautiful like Duck. Maybe the town can all have inhuman features compared to Duck (like a snout or something).
I think a good ending would be for the witch to be overthrown, and everyone in town recognizes everyone's beauty. I know my ending sounds a little corny, but I think it's a good message
Thanks so muh for the imput i liked everything you said and totaly aggree
You're welcome and good luck with your work
!
I feel like your sentences are very matter of fact and all the same structure. You should vary your sentence structure to create more interest. Also, this story has been done to death.
And just asking, if this isn't finished, then why did you post it?
for people to help me finish it i love the input it really helps.
I feel as if I've read this story before...
Just kidding. Not really, but still.
Borrowing from sources is fine. Finding inspiration from the works of others is encouraged. Retelling the classics is pretty much the source of every story ever. Why else would the Bible be considered the most important book of all time? Because it contains all of the archetypes, canons, models and formulas found in modern literature. Every "classic" has a Biblical parallel.
But, here's the catch.
Not even the Bible is completely "original." It's just more applicable to us nowadays than say, Greek/Roman mythology or even Egyptology. The Bible, however, borrowed from these sources. And those sources borrowed even earlier civilizations, such as Sumer and Mesopotamia. Originality just isn't true, as every work of art comes from another work of art. Everything that can be done has already been done.
To simply retell the Ugly Duckling story isn't enough anymore. You have to set it apart. Give it a twist. Make a beautiful duckling in an ugly society, or something of the sort. Don't be afraid to play with sociological mores and folkways. As I've already stated, perhaps a little boldly, everything that can be done has already been done.
totally agreed, one of my twists is that she is infact a girl not a Duck, this is just a prototype and i am working on clarifying that, but thanks for the suggestion ill try to work that in!
Hey i loved the imput and am working on revising, i took your advice about the beautiful duckling in an ugly society, and its going to be sorta like the ugly duckling/snow white twist. however im hung up on what Duck should look like. i would love suggestions.
Hi! again Maggie
This has potential &, yet a bit confusing. Maybe you just had a technical error because there was repetition of the 2nd paragraph.
It was confusing because I imagined the Ugly Duckling cartoon but, then, you clarified that she's a person. Perhaps, work on in putting more vivid descriptions. Though, I felt her mother's love towards her in the 1st paragraph. So as not to confuse, you can change the description on the last sentence of the 1st paragraph.
Also, you can add detail on how beautiful she is. Her hair color as well as her eyes. Her stance. Just give more description so we can imagine what she looks like.
Hence, I think it must be self-consious not conscience. I guess that's it. It needs a little editing & it can improve
>Cha
Absolutly yes this one is just a very ruff ruff draft ha. also im working on all the suggestions about the details, just havent put it up yet. i really apprecitate all the help thanks!:)
You're Welcome
Keep writing
Hello! CaptainSalty here with a review.
This is very flat. Three short paragraphs isn't really a story. There isn't really detail. The beginning sounds like there was something that happened before, and the ending isn't at all an ending. It does go, on I do hope. In the ending of the first paragraph, the "story" takes off. The next paragraph, what happened in between? First she's a little duck, now, according to you she is a beautiful young lady. Isn't she a duck?
And then the ending of that paragraph isn't really that great. Finally, it takes off the bad ending. Either this is just a short story with a bad ending, or it is the beginning of a novel.
Really, I would work on it. I am not saying that it is the worst work here, but it isn't the best either. Always remember that there is room for improvement. If you need any help at all with this, please take your time to talk to me and I will gladly help. I do want to see more by you. Don't give up and always write!
-CaptainSalty
No it is not just a short story. it is going to be much more, not sure yet because i havent thought it all out. However yes i know it needs improvement and yes there was an actual picture to this story i found on pintrest. the character is a human infact not a duck. this was a nickname little duck. and yes i am going to contiue and revise this story i apreitiate the truth thank you. its more of a start to a story.
Oh! In the sense of the beginning of it, you made it sound like a duck. My apologies.
Hello Mad!
First of all: Welcome to the YWS kingdom.
second of all: Great work on this, the tittle fit perfectly and drew my attention.
Third of all: A few things to make it longer and better. Why call the baby a creature? It seems unhuman, like it might be a monster...calling it a baby is just fine.
Duck and the jealous girls, act it out. Duck, could be playing in the playground as the girls come up to her, give it a real bully feel. Her not talking back and they mock her name.
Also, give description of Duck's beauty, even inner beauty. You know snow white and how they describe her, give off that vibe, with metaphors and comparisons.
And keep the ending, where she smiles at her feet! oh god, I love that part! but take out the part " (due to the teasing)," because the readers focus shifts. I think this can become great! Even better than it is now! All though it is already pretty great.
Good work on this and never stop writing.
- Lau.
wow you guys are great and so nice! absolutly i will keep working on it and thats a great idea to write that about the bullly.
Maddie