Have you ever wondered what happened to make Scar who he was? Have you ever wondered what it was like when Scar was king? The following story is the one of Taka, or better known as Scar.
One early morning on the pride lands two cubs were born to the Lion king, and queen; Ahadi and Uru. The first born cub was larger than the second, Ahadi named him Mufasa. The last cub was weak and small, he was called Taka. Mufasa was a beautiful cub the color of sand, and the tuff of hair on the tip of his tail was red in color. Taka however, was darker in color, almost brown with black hair. As the two young princes grew up it was clear that Mufasa was favored by their father the Lion king. Being young however, the two cubs seemed to take no notice, playing and learning to stalk. The two brothers quickly became best friends despite their differences. They seemed to always be getting in trouble, Taka, unfortunately got the brunt of it. Ahadi often was burdened by his work and didn’t have time for the two, always making promises he couldn’t keep.
One day Ahadi was walking with the two cubs, Mufasa and Taka.
“Mufasa, I would like to take you to the summit of pride rock.” Ahadi roared, his mane billowing in the wind. Mufasa quickly excited ran to catch up to his father, leaving Taka to walk in his shadow alone.
“That would be amazing, what do you think it will be like Taka?” Mufasa said towards his younger brother. Ahadi was bewildered, he hadn’t ment for Taka to come along, however he agreed. Taka smiled joining to two.
“I don’t know but it all seems so exciting!” Taka said, crouching low, getting ready to pounce. Mufasa wanting to play pounced first landing on Taka’s tail. Ahadi shook his head letting his mane wave. He chuckled but crouched down, and played with the boys. Taka began to notice his father didn’t really play with him. In fact Ahadi wouldn’t even touch him. Confused Taka shook his head and went back to business.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,832 Reviews
Introduction:
Hey there, Maddie! I just want to start by adding a disclaimer: this review is going to be short, to the point, and focus on the literal content of the piece, instead of on the ideas. I want to focus on five main issues here.
Content:
1. The opening statement.
I'm not such a fan of your beginning, or questions for beginnings in general. I think they presume too much about the reader, and if you're not excited about the first question, then it seems pointless to continue reading--even if it's a very good piece. In this case, I was not excited about the question so I was not very excited about the piece.
2. Grammar!
Normally, I don't like to focus much on grammar. But I want to focus on commas for a second, because this piece contains them where they shouldn't be. A comma splice is when you join two independent clauses with a comma instead of a period (or other punctuation mark). There are a couple of these instances, including,
and
Comma splices make it more difficult for your reader to follow along with the plot. In this case, a hyphen, a colon, or a period would have worked here.
3. Elevating your language.
There are a few times in this piece that I shake my head and think, /this would have been much stronger with a stronger word/. One thing I like to do is go through my piece and find three words that have more evocative alternatives, and replace those words.
4. Making the best of Fanfiction.
When you're writing fanfiction, the characters are provided to you, fleshed out and powerful and loved by many. You need to really use this to your advantage. If a character is known for something in their adult life, hint towards it with them as a child. If a character is known for being humble, change it up. How did they become so humble? Were they different as younger characters? Sow the seeds of plot in your stories, and make your readers take people/lions they're familiar with and really lead them on an emotional journey.
5. And, finally, practice.
In writing, practice doesn't make perfect, but it does make better. Fanfiction is a nice exercise, and it can help you build up to stronger original pieces. Remember to think about the things I said above, and if you have a question, PM me!
Don't forget to be awesome,
IronSpark
Hey! It's the Chirave Canicthus here to free your work from the Green Room!
The title seems a bit… bland, donchya think? I do like that there’s a fanfic for something I’m actually familiar with, so will happily dive into this review.
It feels like a happy story more than it does a tragic one. I never felt that Scar would be evil just for the sake of evilness. Maybe you should expand on Mufasa’s and Taka’s relationship? Maybe Mufasa was being an arrogant jerk and was acting like Young Simba was, except 10x worse. I think that would make Scar pretty discontented. Or maybe when Ahadi died, Scar and Mufasa fought for leadership, and Mufasa got scar in the eye. Maybe that’s what made him hate Mufasa that much — being blind in one eye. I dunno. Just some thoughts. This seems like it could be pretty sweet. Sure, Taka’s a bit sad that Ahadi really won’t pay attention to him, but that seems to be the only thing happening to him right now.
There’re a few grammar mistakes, but the previous review already mentioned it, so nothing I can really do there.
I don’t really have much more to say, but I think that the best thing for this story would be some more depth on Scar’s character or a more active way of telling the story. Instead of saying “Scar began to take notice his father didn’t really play with him”, which is an active enough sentence, you can do someting like this: He’s not playing with me, Taka thought. What’s so good about Mufasa? That way Taka’s character could be thought of more. Just wanted to say that. This piece can be made better, but it’s definitely got the makings of something pretty good here.
Keep Writing!
Chiravian and person with the same first name. XD
hey yeah i actually havent finished this story yet but eventualy ahadi and taka are going to fight.
Is this secretly fan fiction about me, and not The Lion King? o.o
maybe...
love your pic 
maybe...
love your pic 
Hi, I like your style of writing. This is pretty well written, especially with the descriptions of the lions in the second paragraph. There are some spelling and grammar mistakes though. "Ment" instead of "Meant" in the second to last paragraph, plus you have some commas in places you don't need them and then you lack commas in places they would be helpful. For example, you should put a comma after "confused" in the last paragraph Make sure you read over your work a little bit carefully, it goes along way in making it easier for others to read. But you've got a nice style and I guess this isn't finished, so I'd definitely keep going.
thanks so much and yeah i know im really a bad spelling
thanks so much and yeah i know im really a bad spelling