Wow, I have not been on YWS if a long time! I thought I'd get back into the groove by posting my creative writing assignments from class that I've completed. Reviews are appreciated!
Two quick notes:
This has already been graded and many of these are inside jokes, so they may not appear super funny to all.
Amidst the throngs of people,
Stands one above the rest.
A head of ginger.
A lumbering stride.
There he is.
Make way, make way!
The Flaming Tower of Apathy comes!
The Tower has many names:
Caleb, K-Bub, Asshat,
Moses, Hulk, Ginger Jesus.
In the morning, he is late
And hits his snooze button
Twenty or so times.
The Tower awakens,
A slumbering orangutan,
Now ready for the day.
In his palm he carries his water bottle.
It is his wizard staff, never gone from his side.
It is his life force, which without he is lost.
Even the catchiest of Rick Ross songs
Or the most adorable of the human race,
Cannot break his freckled face.
His face is and forever will be
The Eternal Face of Apathy
His voice is booming,
Thunder in a silent wood.
And from his mouth doth
Constantly spout the sacred word
"Meh."
Make way, make way!
The Flaming Twoer of Apathy comes!
Heya Madame! Time for me to give you a review!
Well, first, let me say that I love this piece. Out of the pieces I've read today, this is the one which is modern all the way. The theme is right there, untouched, steady all throughout the piece. This element is a key to a good poem, and I love that it's present in the piece. The boldness of the piece is very good, too. The nicknames are quite cool and it makes the reader relate with the piece. The last nickname was bad, and personally I don't like it, but it does make the piece bold and very unique.
Kudos to how you describe him, too. It has enough figurative language-use, metaphor around there and all. So, are there any rooms of improvement in the piece? Well, there are. First, the coherence of the piece. Each stanza is some kind of description or narration on some aspect of TFToA, but unfortunately, they don't seem to go well together. They lack lines to connect them, see. Sooo, check up on how your stanzas are connected. If you think they lack some relation, add or move some lines. Coherence leads to fluidity, you know. Just fix the coherence and you'll result with a fluid piece.
Second is how you describe TFToA. Okay, so we got all of the descriptions, but you need to create more lines that depict the apathy part. Narrate some instances through verse and jot down some adjectives.
So, that's all I can say for now! I hope I helped, even by a bit, to the well-being of your piece. Good luck writing!
Yours indefinitely,
Alf
I actually enjoyed this poem a lot. I feel like this is a real person, which I assume it is I'm just saying its so lifelike I believe it! I like the title as well its what drew me to read this. Two quick things are that you do not need to capitalize each line of the poem (just the beginning line of the section) and also you messed up the spelling of 'tower' in the last line but that is easily fixed.
Happy Writing!