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Young Writers Society



The New Generation--Chapter 8: The Quest Begins

by erilea


    Leia took a deep breath, inhaling the now-familiar scents of Camp Half-Blood. Now that she was leaving for her quest, she didn't want to go. Even the smells of horse poop and lava were comforting.

     "You ready?" Her father asked, coming up behind her. She jumped and spun around, coming face to face with him. It took a few moments for her heart to return to its normal pace.

     "Yeah. Why am I so jumpy?" she wondered as he put his firm hand on her shoulder. Laughing, he shook his head.

     "Don't worry. I was older than you when I was sent on my first quest. And even then I was nervous. It's completely natural, okay?"

     Leia sighed, nodding. Her father had completely true advice. Yet she still didn't feel good about the quest. If she failed... well, the prophecy said that 'the heroes' path will no longer glow.' To her, that didn't sound good.

     She suddenly remembered the dream she had had last night. Who had spoken to her? If anything, she probably would have to tell her dad. Just as she was turning to inform him, a man walked up to them.

     Except he wasn't fully a man.

     From the waist down, he was a horse with a glossy white coat and a curly tail. Polished hooves clopped on the grass as he neared the small group. He was...

     "A centaur!" She heard Silena gasp. And thinking back on her mythology lessons, Leia realized that her friend was right. The centaur dug his hooves into the ground as he came to a halt next to her father.

     "Yes, I'm a centaur. My name is Chiron." the centaur calmly informed her, then turned to Leia's parents.

     "Chiron... like in the myths?" Leia asked, hardly believing it. "But aren't you supposed to be... um..." You couldn't just say that someone was supposed to be dead in front of them. That wasn't polite. But Leia couldn't help it.

     "He's immortal now, because he wanted to keep teaching demigods to become heroes." Annabeth quickly explained. 

     "And your mother and I are living proof that he does his job well!" Leia's father joked. She managed a smile, still staring in awe at Chiron.

     "Now, I must speak with your parents about... special matters. Please excuse us." Chiron murmured, then led Leia's father and mother a few feet away and began talking in a low voice. 

     "So... are you guys nervous?" Sammy asked awkwardly, fidgeting with his backpack straps. Before they had met on Half-Blood Hill, each had received a backpack with some essential items: a Ziploc bag full of ambrosia, a canteen of nectar, some snacks and water, and bedrolls. Leia unconsciously rubbed one of the straps as well.

     "Kind of," Bianca said softly. Leia looked up in surprise. Her friend barely talked, and when she did, it was mostly quiet. Now whenever the granddaughter of Hades spoke, it was a shock to everyone. Leia managed to catch three surprised faces looking at Bianca before she looked down, not wanting to embarrass her friend.

     "Yeah, I am, too." Silena broke the silence. Leia noticed a leather belt on her waist, holding something like a dagger. Figures, she thought. I didn't see her get a weapon the other day.

     "So am I." She hurried to say, not wanting her friends to think that she wasn't nervous. Seemed like all of them agreed on that... except for Festus. He was away from them, talking to his father seriously. Leo said something severely, and Leia's friend nodded, running back to them. He arrived out of breath, but grinning nonetheless. 

     "Me too! Wait... what were we talking about again?"

     They all laughed at his cluelessness, then maintained a light chatter until Leia's parents came back, looking grave. Their countenances immediately silenced them. 

     "So," Chiron began, trying to keep a cheerful tone. "You're going on a quest!"

     No one wanted to reply to that. 

     "Just a few tips. Don't say you're safe until... well, never. And--"

     "My mom made that mistake! She just defeated a giant turtle, and she said that she was safe, and then an arrow landed right in front of her!" Silena interrupted, talking excitedly as if trying to mask her anxiety.

     "And," The centaur continued, as if she hadn't spoken. "Never split up. This may lead to danger and, of course, the common hazard: death."

     With that, Leia and her friends were sent on her quest. They trudged into the forest, obviously wanting to grasp a few moments with the camp before setting out on their journey. Leia's parents and Chiron stood at the base of the hill, waving at them. She gave a half-hearted wave to them as well before she couldn't see them anymore, blocked by the thick brown trunks of the tall trees.

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Thu Feb 04, 2016 2:50 am
Evander wrote a review...



Hey, Artemis! I'm jumping right in here with only reading one of the other chapters, so I apologize if any of my feedback doesn't go together well with the rest of the story!

There seems to be a lack of description in all of this, which is shadowed over by most of the dialogue. Most of this seems like inner thoughts, which is a problem I share as well. Even though this is set in Camp Half-Blood, there still has to be some base descriptions of surroundings.

Even the smells of horse poop and lava were comforting.

While that's the kind of added description that is needed, the phrasing felt a little off. Perhaps replace 'smells' with 'stench'. (Also, what does the lava really smell like? While someone might be able to guess what horse poop smells like, lava isn't one of those day to day fragrances that someone might be able to familiarize it. Maybe tack on a funny thing about how it smelled and what it reminded Leia of, to give a larger point of reference.)

"Yeah. Why am I so jumpy?" she wondered as he put his firm hand on her shoulder.

While this is entirely personal preference, it's a little hard to differentiate actual thought between dialogue. Some people like using single quotation marks for thought, others like to use italics to make it stand out, and some don't use anything at all so it just blends in with the natural order of things. Just something to think about. Reading on, the thoughts are shown through italics, so consistency is key. :P

"Yes, I'm a centaur. My name is Chiron." the centaur calmly informed her, then turned to Leia's parents.

I might be entirely wrong here, but aren't Leia's parents Annabeth and Percy Jackson? Then why wouldn't she have not known Chiron? The centaur was a big part in both Percy and Annabeth's life and it's strange that she wouldn't have known him at all. I'm probably missing a big piece in the puzzle here, but that's something strange enough that I'd point it out. Also, from what I gather, hadn't she at least been at Camp Half-Blood long enough to be familiar with all of the scents across the ground? Chiron was the camp activities director last time I read the series, so it doesn't make all that much sense for him to not be seen around the grounds.

"He's immortal now, because he wanted to keep teaching demigods to become heroes." Annabeth quickly explained.

If Percy is only going to be referred to as "Leia's father" or "her father", wouldn't it make sense to refer to Annabeth in a similar manner?

Overall, this could use some improvements, but I liked it! The idea of the Percy Jackson crew having kids, while a bit over done, is sweet and always a nice story to read! (Hey, there's nothing new under the sun. :P ) I'm interested to see what type of creative twist there will be on this story. I absolutely live for fanfics. Anyway, I hope that you keep on writing!

~Adrian




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Sat Dec 05, 2015 2:01 am
tigeraye wrote a review...



hello. Having jumped in to review this without reading any other chapters yet, I was still able to notice that this was really well written overall. You have a solid writing style that has a certain style of energy to it, is clear-cut and dictated by a sense of charisma. Your dialogue has a certain charm to it that I found amusing, but more than that, it sounds realistic as it gets, as if it's perfect to imagine conversations like these happening in real life, rather than just on a sitcom or a movie. So, all in all, I don't have any suggestions for you to improve, you're already very articulated when it comes to writing ^^

Things:

Leia took a deep breath, inhaling the now-familiar scents of Camp Half-Blood. Now that she was leaving for her quest, she didn't want to go. Even the smells of horse poop and lava were comforting.

"You ready?" Her father asked, coming up behind her. She jumped and spun around, coming face to face with him. It took a few moments for her heart to return to its normal pace.

"Yeah. Why am I so jumpy?" she wondered as he put his firm hand on her shoulder. Laughing, he shook his head.

"Don't worry. I was older than you when I was sent on my first quest. And even then I was nervous. It's completely natural, okay?"


The intro isn't the most fascinating, riveting hook, but it is an interesting scenario, although one thing I noticed about this chapter in general is that you neglect to use very much physical description. That's alright though. On a second read through, what I get is that the main character, Leia is leaving this camp to go on a quest. Fair enough, and well written enough. I also like the relationship between the father and daughter, it comes off as very natural and realistic.

She suddenly remembered the dream she had had last night. Who had spoken to her? If anything, she probably would have to tell her dad. Just as she was turning to inform him, a man walked up to them.

Except he wasn't fully a man.

From the waist down, he was a horse with a glossy white coat and a curly tail. Polished hooves clopped on the grass as he neared the small group. He was...

"A centaur!" She heard Silena gasp. And thinking back on her mythology lessons, Leia realized that her friend was right. The centaur dug his hooves into the ground as he came to a halt next to her father.


The way you wrote this is very eye-grabbing, not just the idea of a half human half centaur. It's something you don't see every day, heheh.

They all laughed at his cluelessness, then maintained a light chatter until Leia's parents came back, looking grave. Their countenances immediately silenced them.


The bond of friendship between your characters is obvious, even just having been exposed to them.

Jumping into a fan-fiction half way through without any knowledge about what it's based on, it's pretty self-explanatory that I'd end up being super lost and confused; but after reading it twice, I'm able to tell what's going on, not so much with the backstory, but that this girl is going on a quest...somewhere. Overall, this is very strongly written, your dialogue is simple but realistic, same with your main character's emotions, and the bond between them is evident ^^ I generally don't like doing reviews where I just pat you on the back and don't give you improvements, but the only thing I could say is to describe the setting more vividly. Stuff like the camp, the forest, or even smaller things like the dagger on the waistband you could go into more details on. But maybe you might've already done that in other chapters, so your readers would already know what the setting and characters look like. So yeah, good job!!





The secret of being tiresome is to tell everything.
— Voltaire