Just know that somewhere, a world away from you, someone is sitting in a chair as the sun sets with a smile on his face and a tear in his eye. Know you've made someone happy.
Just know that somewhere, a world away from you, someone is sitting in a chair as the sun sets with a smile on his face and a tear in his eye. Know you've made someone happy.
Lumiiiii, I'm sorry it took me sooooo long to get to this! I'm here to review/comment now. I think. I have no idea how much help I'll be, but I'm here to try!
Sooooo. I've kind of skimmed the other reviews so if I repeat something, I'm sorry! Anyway, let's see what's going on here... I'll be nitpicking a bit, so fair warning, lol.
"grasses"? Wouldn't it make more sense to be "grass" or are you referring to more than one type of grass? Grasses is just a little confusing for me, and it's a little weird on the tongue, but if that's what you mean, then whatever. This is just me being picky. Feel free to ignore.
I feel like "your favorite" on line ten needs to be back a little? Where it sits just feels a little off to me, so I dunno. I might just be picky about it, so you can totally ignore this one. XD
Filmed? Through little flash cards? I saw Aley's comments about this, and I think I agree. Flipped would work better. I totally understand the phrases thing. I've never heard this one before. Anyways, I'm sure you'll work on this, so moving on.
Overall, the feels like a very... bittersweet poem? If I'm reading this right. Like, I felt really sad while reading this, but there were little moments that made me smile, too. Little happy moments. I liked that. It showed me that it's not all bad times, if that makes sense? It probably doesn't make sense.... Anyways, I really enjoyed the way the poem flowed and how the story flowed with it. And it's such a sad/happy story. Bittersweet is definitely a good word to describe this poem with! So, uh, it all felt really smooth, and that's awesome. <3
I hope this helps or something, and I'm really sorry I didn't get to this sooner. I swear, I was going to review it way before now. x.x
Remember; keep it up and never stop writing!
~ Scar. <3
second promised review, love!
"watch the grasses"
I'd make it just grass.
"playing with a fire truck long abandoned"
IDK WHY but for some reason I really really want you to to change "a" to "your" because that makes the image 10x more tragic and you know I love a good a tragedy. On that note, I'm not sure why this line is relevant and I'm p sure you could delete this all together because it would make the poem a LOT more concise. Also you could change "a" to "the" and it would also totally work better!
"it all was your favorite"
i think this might be a typo because it's very confusing. Maybe you meant that was "your favorite color"???
"i never won. never won."
I'd delete the second never won. It's just not needed.
"as i might"
again, confusing wording? as you could?? (I'm really tired this could be me contributing to me being tired)
"you told me without blinking aboutthe nature of life"
better flow <3
i know you know i love this and i think it's all the nostalgic imagery in there. the 'looking back' voice to this is very pleasing and soothing and hits me in all the right places. I like it. i think you have a few technical things to work on but other than that i adore this and you.
-sizzle
Woah, a poem hasn't brought out emotion in me like this in a long time. So beautiful. I loved the detail and how you really let the reader in on the personal things in the relationship, and the little things, going from being young to college aged. I see the Missouri sky and I see you sitting on the fence, I see you and her hanging up posters in a college dorm and I see her blonde hair against a beautiful summer sky. I would love to read more by you, this is amazing ❤️❤️❤️❤️
So when I come back to the site, the first thing I decide to read is one of your poems. And honestly, I couldn't have made a better choice. Your writing and poetry always fills me with emotion and inspiration, and this one is no different. In fact, this one hit me quite hard, especially when it came down to the last paragraph.
Now, I've read a lot of "remembrance" poems in my lifetime (the poem goes through memories of a person who is no longer in their lives) but this one, for some reason, struck a chord with me. The last paragraph resonates in my mind as I type this, considering I'm staring straight at it as I do.
I love that you continue to use the symbol of painting all throughout the poem. It's something that many poets and authors decide to use as a symbol, but the way you use it makes it even more special and believable. I especially like the last three lines because they're so indicative of someone who is hiding feelings, putting on a front or a new coat of paint in the hopes that they can hide their true feelings.
I really enjoy your poetry. Keep up the good work!
So I know you don't know this, but I secretly stalk your poetry. This isn't a review, its just me asking, heart on my sleeve, that you always continue to post it, so that I may always stalk it. I love you, and this was absolutely lovely.
I remember when I was like 12 I stumbled across a few of your poems on this site and they revolutionized my way of thinking. Most notably I remember reading a piece (called, I believe, 8 on 8 on 12) where you depicted the darker parts of our lives. This was so long ago I don't remember most of the details, but I do remember how your style and word choice impacted me. How can somebody write like that and not be famous?
Years later when I had all but forgotten this website that was so formative to my early days as a writer, I see a link to one of your pieces on facebook, read it, and again am utterly enchanted. I have pushed myself through the years to attain the same confidence in form that your work has always carried so effortlessly--from your line breaks to your punctuation it all seems so simple.
This is so beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing.
Hello there, Lumi!
Basia77201 here with a probably horrible review. I'm not very good with reviews, but I will try.
So first off:
Holy cow. Wow just holy cows mooing wow. That was amazing. I nearly cried. Is there a reason you shaped it the way you did? In terms of line placement [hence the shape part]? I loved the meaning, about how you can't paint a beautiful picture with just one easy color. You need many parts being the many colors to paint a beautiful life, so to speak. I never really thought about that before reading this piece. If you don't mind, I would love to add this to my writer's notebook. I also liked how certain lined had a different font and were smaller, seeming to give more meaning to the words. I don't really have anything else to say, except
\ / \ /
\/\/ O \/\/
Hey Lum,
Nice to see a poem from you that I get to review <3 I'll try to do it some justice.
First off, I really think you have a great way with language that you're using. You're taking care of every moment with careful accuracy and it really gives the reader a lot to see and dig into. You're doing a really great job with that. This is definitely a poem that I could see standing among many of the poems I read in magazines. You're also playing with the space and how the lines are organized like I've seen recently in magazines which puts you, again, on par with what people consider publishable in today's day and age.
I think there are two places where I'd like you to take a second look at the poem and consider a specific word. Yeah, you've got the plot, flow, etc, etc, etc, down, and now it's just two words XD. Congrats! Those two words happen in lines 6 and 24. In line six you break up the flow you have in the rest of the poem when you use "it all was your favorite" and I think that's simply because of "all" because usually to flow we would say It was all your favorite, or everything was your favorite. You have it flipped.
In line 24 you have "and I filmed through the little flash cards" which doesn't really make sense with "filmed" because to film something is to record it but why would there be a recording of flash cards that the speaker was making and how could one film through them? I believe you might have wanted flipped. Flipped makes more sense then filmed, but if you did mean filmed then please add a little more detail or change "through" so that it makes more sense. There's no flow problem there, it's just a little bit jarring because that's not how we're used to seeing the word used.
Otherwise, I really think you did a good job using the language to express the loss and I love how detailed you get with the story. It's clear, for the most part. The only unclear thing is at the beginning when you use the loss of them since we never quite get where they went to? Did they die? That's not 100% important to the story though, not really. I think what's important to the poem is the fact that they're gone and that it hurts, which is exactly what's expressed so I think you did a good job overall.
Check out those two spots and see what's going on! Congrats Lums <333
Hey there Lumi!
Since this poem has been in here for a while (two days, but still) I thought I'd give a quick commentary on why this is one of the best poems I have read in a loooong while. (If you don't mind I marked it as a review just so I could help get this piece out of the Green Room)
The first thing that caught my eye was the typography. The way you let certain line stand out, simply by putting them in a different font or position that the normal stanzas. It allow the reader to truly absorb the crucial imagery you drew with your words.
Another thing is the simple complexity of the poem and story... Your words help carry over the story beautifully, and the imagery came alive as I read the poem. Bravo
I really can't say much more other than wow. I absolutely love this poem, and, if you don't mind, I would like to add it to my poetry collection I keep in my closet... This piece truly deserves my 10 out of ten score.
I absolutely love your writing,
The Clockwork Conjurer
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