Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,525 Literary Works • 672,040 Reviews
AASD;FLKAJDF;KLAJDS;FKJAD;KFJ;AKSDJ;FLKJA;LDJFL;AJSDLFALKSDJFL;AJSDL;FJASDKFJA;LDSJFA;KLDSJA
Spazz NOT over, but I'll stop typing it out.
So I saw you were featured and went Yay! Lumi! And meant to check it out. Then I actually did, but I was tired, so it went waaayyy over my head and I didn't understand it all (which I really just said, but oh well.) So it seemed somewhat cryptic even though it isn't, because I didn't get what you were doing with the fire and the lighter.
Then I came back and actually read it, (comprehended it, I mean) and I absolutely adore it. The comparison holds true on so many levels. Passion is often likened to flames, but I like the way you went into more detail about why the two things are alike. I just love the tone of the piece, and... it's just so wonderiffic, and I get the inkling that maybe I've stopped being helpful, (or maybe I never started :p) so sorry, but I really do love this.
Also, this was completed in two parts, so now I've forgotten what I was going to say. :p The only things I can think of are reiterations: that I love it, and that it's true.
In light of Dream's review, I love the almost prose-like quality of this. It's just... special, to me, and I'm not even entirely sure why. Maybe it's because I remember the first poem I wrote that was prose-like. Maybe it's because I like the way it flows, or the story it tells. Whatever the reason, it's awesome.
Thank you, Lumiful, for sharing your wonderfullness with the world. ;3 I enjoyed reading it.
You know, Lumi, this poem has officially made me contradict myself on a certain point. This may be my favorite and yet least favorite piece of poetry I've ever read from you.
Now, I should probably explain my thought process before I get myself even more tangled up in this piece. So why don't we start with the reasons why I'm not simply gushing over this.
First off, the lines are quite big and your diction starts off as something rather simple. Almost prose-like in its simplicity. From the start I felt that this might be a better short story and, for the most part, I'm not quite sure if I'm against those thoughts even now, but that's not necessarily the point. What I want to get across is, on a completely logical standpoint, this poem looks and feels to be on the... weaker side.
But then again, what you wrote and how you connected it absolutely astounded me.
I'm at that point where I'm stuck. I love the voice. I love the feel. I love the idea and the bitter tang in my mouth I get from simply reading those few stanzas. It almost appears that it would be a shame to change it. To make it longer or to cut it down. A shame that anyone should think it not amazing as is and yet, at the same time, I have a hard time really letting myself believe that this is perfection.
Honestly, I'm torn. I love this and I hate it. I think its brilliance yet I'm not all that sure whether or not, logically, it is. For once, I'm stumped.
Hi Lumi!
Feel free to shoot me a PM or catch me in chat if you have any questions.
So, I want to say that I adore your poetry. I am more of a writer of short stories, and I will admit that I'm envious about how naturally it seems to come to you. I admire that you can tell a captivating story in so few words, but there was something that just felt off. I can't quite put my finger on it, but it's too intricate, too complex. Nothing really stands out, and although your language is beautiful, it read like prose and thus and somewhat a clunky flow which made it hard to hold my attention.
When you revise this, I would suggest to focus on an idea, an image. What is the purpose of telling the story or creating the image that you want to tell? Focus on that solid idea or image and use imagery and description to build that idea and make it clearer to the reader.
That's all! Sorry I don't have much to say, because I really do adore your poetry.
~ Elinor
I'm gonna be controversial and say that I like this more than the last poem of yours I read. I think it was "16 miles", but correct me if I'm wrong. Still, I should probably tell you why!
Imagery
Much tighter! Much much tighter and unified, which I think makes for a much stronger poem. The "flames/burning" and the "love" themes (or should I say "theme") work nicely together. I was a little worried at first that the fire/romance ideas weren't particularly original, but you use them in a way that seems unique to me, at least, so I'm just gonna say, "Good work!" here.
Exactly the right words
I think you're almost here on this count. There are some delicious phrases like "kerosene mile" and "tangled up between eyelashes", but I still think you could improve this. I'm going to quote the adage "less is more" at some point, and I remember you yourself telling me that "brevity is the soul of wit" -- so see if you agree with me on this change:
It's a bit of a poor example really, but (if you agree with me, that is!) you can see that there are some unnecessary words that can be removed and leave the piece and its meaning untouched. I'm not gonna suggest you remove a whole stanza this time! But I do think you could remove the last few pieces of fat.
A bit of science
So I, ever the pedant... I'm not sure whether forces can collide... I think objects can, but not forces -- I dunno. It just seems a bit of a strange phrase to me. I know what you're trying to say, and you can probably get away with it, but I'm pretty sure it's not the correct use of those words. Sorry to be a pain!
Overall
I think it's my favourite of your works. You had a great idea that you encapsulated with a world of words -- one brilliant main idea that you focus on perfectly. I like this a *lot*. And I hope you write more like it. See if this review is any help! I enjoyed the read all the same!
Charlie
Hello Lumos!
I think this poem was rather lovely. I liked the eyelashes, shoe laces, striped tie, a bakery in St. Louis and much more. It's lovely, but it's not too lovely, you know? You don't know. Okay. It's a good thing, though! There's a nice balance of -- excuse me once more -- loveliness and reality, which is good because reality is rarely pretty. And still, it's always pretty.
This I wasn't too crazy about, just because it's such a long ribbon of practically nothing. "Something uncontrollable" is vague, and even though this seems like a bit that should be powerful, it really isn't that powerful at all. It's too longwinded to be that.
This is a great line, I like it a lot. I think stanza two is my favourite.
"sting of a ring" is really nice as well. There's so many good bits I could point out, but it would take me a lot of time! I think you've earned yourself a gold star.
Demeter
x
I want to marry this poem*clears throat* Hello, Lumi.
So. I want to say that there is something that I can helpfully critique on, but I am not a poetic genius, nor do I intend to correct you on things that do not need correcting to put on that type of front. This was beautiful. Point blank, end of story. Be proud of your wonderful poetry, sir. I'm sure you can humbly take in that compliment without fully combusting, so let us move on to my thoughts on what you've written. Since it is the only feedback I can give here.
Now, I love how you start this out with the line about the fire. You carried out this continuity throughout the rest of your poem in such a smooth and honest way. It wasn't a very sticky metaphor, it made sense. It wasn't pretentiously "obviously-done-before" either. I'm sure I don't have to go into great detail of how easily I could have messed that one up either to prove my point of this. The way you describe love here met your comparison of the flame metaphor effortlessly. And it was the unique way you explained this and then came back to it again in your closing line of the poem that was the perfect foundation, I think.
Another thing I may as well point out, since I'm already in the mood to explain, that second stanza. So crisp and simple and beautifully on point with everything I think a little part of me inside dies. x) You tell about how it won't matter if you're doing these simple things, and then you go on to explaining miscellaneous nothings that sound so sweet. Then all of a sudden, BAM. "You've ended up alone because of love". So sad, but so great in the same.
Well, I guess I've gushed as much as is appropriate before ending this --I'm not sure you could call it a review-- opinion of a poem. Keep up the great work, and I definitely look forward to seeing more stuff like this from you in the future. Though I don't have any doubts that I won't.
-Smylin' ^-^
Hey, this is really, wheely great! You're just sparkling with imagination and great description!!! I think the rythm and flow worked on okay but it could be better if you adjusted the lines so that they kept a certain length and same thing with the structure of the stanzas - patterns please
Overall though, I think this was wholly, jolly AMAZING! Love the symbolism with the firelighter and the title is teasing enough! NICE JOB!
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
Hi Lumi,
The opening lines instantly drew me in. I love "tangled up in her eyelashes." I loved the description in stanza two, and stanza three is great.
I'd take another look at "look into her eyes", "about to crumble", because these lines were a bit dull compared to some of your other more original and visual lines. I'd also look at the last line of the second stanza as it was a bit long, and again I wanted something more visual. I'd look at:
"If you think hard enough, you’ll notice how love leaves as quickly as it comes." because I felt you were hitting the reader over the head with your meaning here. I think the last line was a bit weak, and again I'd show rather than tell.
Hope this helps,
Jas