Deleted 20

by Lumi

  • Poetry
  • Dramatic

Published October 21, 2011

In Poetry: 2011

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Deleted at author's request.

Comments & reviews · 5
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HeyItsApril
Review
HeyItsApril wrote a review Review · Oct 26, 2011

Graverobber, the sky is ashen,I love this opening line. Good job!
dead-weighted with amber flakes,
silver--like the tongue they pried from your teeth,
like the lining of a cloud tattooed on your wrist.
This reminds me, as the cold,
as the November waves of wind scatteracross this mourning hillside,This sounds a bit choppy, doesn't really fit the rhythm.
of your tender voice after midnight,
the soft cusp of air between your lipsas you'd say,
"I want to leave,
leave before I can be missed."

These gray scales on the earth,
they tell me your name, the day you left,
and oddly the color seems brighterthan your glistening tattoo;
so perhaps, still lilac,
I have forgotten your name,
the lines engraved between coarse stone,
and believe that you left before your lining
could smoulder deeper than the rolling sky.
Great ending.


Wow! This poem was fantastic! There was really nothing bad to say about it, bravo! Thank you for putting this up! May you forever write.(:


<3April<3

User avatar
ElizabethFiction
Comment
ElizabethFiction commented Comment · Oct 23, 2011

Even though I am a fan of more cheerful literature, nothing catches my attention more than a dark poem. This poem is awesome!! :)

User avatar
inkwell
Review
inkwell wrote a review Review · Oct 23, 2011

Hey Lumi! I started reviewing this in a text file and forgot all about it. Seems as though no one else has reviewed your poem so here goes. :)

Graverobber, the sky is ashen,
dead-weighted with amber flakes,


Perhaps you could qualify "grave robber." What kind of grave robber is she? You could evoke something more out of it that way. Then it's not so deadpan or narrow or whatever it is you're uncomfortable with. I would keep the word itself though. Great opening lines

silver—like the tongue they pried from your teeth,
like the lining of a cloud tattooed on your wrist.


I like the connection to the girl, but no matter how many times I read this the transition seems weird. First it's amber, then suddenly it's silver.

This reminds me, as the cold,
as the November waves of wind scatter
across this mourning hillside,
of your tender voice after midnight,
the soft cusp of air between your lips
as you'd say, "I want to leave,
leave before I can be missed."


I love the imagery and motion in this sentence. It feels very grand and then zooms in on the voice, the lips—so the words are given a certain balance or weight.

These gray scales on the earth,
they tell me your name, the day you left,
and oddly the color seems brighter
than your glistening tattoo;
so perhaps, still lilac, I have forgotten your name,
the lines engraved between coarse stone,
and believe that you left before your lining
could smoulder deeper than the rolling sky.


I loved that the first line here because it also makes me think of the ashes. Powerful ending. This is really where the narrator's voice takes off and the rest of the poem is made whole. The only thing that nags me as I read this stanza is the word "glistening." It feels out of place and disrupts the the flow of thoughts and emotions as I read. Perhaps a different word or, again, a qualifier. That's just me though.

Overall this poem achieves the feeling of standing at a grave. Great poem.

User avatar
Arryn Review
Arryn wrote a review Review · Oct 21, 2011

Lumi wrote:Graverobber, the sky is ashen,
dead-weighted with amber flakes,
silver--like the tongue they pried from your teeth,


It seems odd to call her Graverobber, and then reference her stolen tongue. When I read this I did something of a poetic double-take; I had to go back and re-read to make sure that I understood, even on its most basic level, the information being communicated there. It's a bit confusing.

I think it is genius, though. It instantly caught my attention, and it is a wholly "original" way to kick off a poem of this nature. I think I would alter the second bolded line...maybe it would flow a little better without "they"?


Lumi wrote:This reminds me, as the cold,
as the November waves of wind scatter
across this mourning hillside,
of your tender voice after midnight,


I'm not sure that using "as the _______," twice flows well. I would consider rephrasing it very slightly, because it made me speed up unnaturally while reading it.


Aside from those quirks, I enjoyed the poem. It flowed well, and all of its diction and figurative language (especially that first line and the bit about the tattoo) worked towards a cohesive, memorable whole. It is gray, wistful, and effectively emotional.

Great job.

EDIT: When I started writing this, YWS was its normal self, but then the page reloaded and it now has a spooky Halloween theme. Look: you've made the entire website a little darker. :wink:



Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
— Noam Chomsky