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137,525 Literary Works • 672,040 Reviews
This was.. tragically impressive. In a good way of course. Brilliant work.
This was genious. Brilliant. It showed such an amazing perspective. I believe that the meaning could be transformed to fit most peoples idea and thoughs. For example, for myself, I deducted that you were showing different situations where God can be condesending or a lack-there-of. And the devil gives you no choice but to fall to him and it shows the instability of our mortality. I find that this is all too true. However, as in many cases, this poem could fit multiple meanings that you may not have even thought of. It is the magic behind poetry. And you portrayed to its fullest extent, intended or not. Well done. Very well done. PM me anytime.
-Lexi
I liked this short story a lot. Although at some parts i couldn't quite get the point across.
Altogether i did like it though, but it wasn't one of the best ones i have read lately.
You could use some corrections in some areas and capitalism.
,WritingAway
edgy, dark, choppy, and brilliant. this, is a poem in a million. i'm not capable of going through it line by line, as it exceeds my mental prowess x) but what I do know, is that's it's edgy, dark, choppy, and freaking brilliant.
I don’t know what to say, it was wonderful! I loved it! The best thing I’ve read all night! Wow I just need a moment to cry about how unbelievably well that was, (softly crying in the back ground). I’m ok, it’s over.
Ok so well the first stanza needs some editing, it didn’t really have that flow as the rest of it did, but it was still great!
Holy crypt man! This was absolutely amazing... The flow was brilliant and I love how you ended it with sort of the way you began. This was moving and made me sort of want to smile, biting and thrashing, thats the way I plan to die =]. It was a lovely piece and I'm glad I stumbled on it. The way you set up each stanza was lovely as well. Very good piece you have here =]
Hello! =)I really like your poem. I'm not a very good reviewer but I'll say what I think anyway =D I think this poem is really powerful and moving. It has a lot of words that are strong and although I don't understand it =) thats okay because its brilliant and has a lot of hidden meaning! It was interesting and there were alot of techniques and metaphors that were good. I liked the way you put the devil and God and stuff in there, I don't know I just thought it was cool hahaha =) It was a really good poem! I don't find anything wrong with it =) I only wish I could write this good hahaha.
Wow! I am really awestruck by the power that resonates from this poem. It's hit square in the face and left me smiling foolishly. The voice was awesome. It had I think, a hint of convinction and defiance. The imagery was so powerful that I could imagine it playing out right in front of me! Your tone and mood had a hint of hoplessness in it. The poetic diction was simple which made the imagery more elegant and powerful. Your style is controversial, rare and distinct. Keep it up! I like it a lot!
Ready like this is like listening to meshuggah. =)
Holy poetry prodigy. Although I didn't quite grasp the meaning I still loved it. The emotion was deep and striking and it grasped my right off the bat. The last stanza was my favorite, it really made the poem in my opinion. I really liked it.
WOW
I hope you put this up for the Journal this ROCKS so cool so so cool. At first I didn't get It but then I started understanding.
I can not even believe this is so cool OMG so cool
Sorry for my repeated use of the words SO SO SO COOL!!!
Hey guys! Thanks for all the amazing reviews; they really helped. As you may notice, I've done some drastic overhaul in structure and even in some content. That said, if you still (which you probably do) have suggestions or nit picks, please feel free to review again! I'd love as much help as I can get on this.
-Lumi
This may be a lame review but oh well I am giving it a shot.
I detected bitterness in this (well no dip, Sherlock) and that is what made me want to read this. It had an artistic flow to this and reminded me of a poem my mam wrote for a contest. It was a bit choppy and sometimes the transitions were a bit confusing. I do love the imagery though and I can picture some girl running from the devil. This actually sheds some light on many lives, which I congragulate you for. I look forward to more like this!
Wow. That was EXCELLENT. It was kind of, I don't know, demented? It had this haunted atmosphere to it that really added a pained effect. At first I didn't really get it, and it's still kind of confusing but I understood a little better towards the end. Does it kind of represent people being conflicted? That's kind of what I took away from it. That it was like people going mad because they're so conflicted. Anyways, it was an awesome poem keep it up!
Alot of people like this and I do too... its really good and thoroughly enjoyed. I'm not bothered to add anything more length-y (Sorry
but you already have so many its like you know.. Wow!
Good job~You got talent Lumi! Remember that!
Kaka xo
I enjoyed this poem, but is slightly confused me. At first I thought it was someone having flashbacks of their life before they die, but then at the end you proved me wrong. Good job though!
I hated this poem.
Completely irrational, but I hated it nonetheless, and I shall attempt to vocalize/pinpoint exactly why. Beware, for this shall be LONG and ramble-ranty. But you already know that.
---
Already told you this over Skype, but this line is just bleurgh, an unholy blending of melodrama and pretentiousness. Referencing the poem before you have delivered on anything screams amateurish attention-grabbing gimmick, and attributing the descriptor "dirge" to encapsulate its entirety, especially considering that "dirge" is an altogether overused word, especially among those who rely upon "colorful" words to add "drama" and "emotion" to their writing for the lowest possible time and labor rates, just screams to me needy, self-important first line.
"Look at me!" it says. "I am a poem, and I am dramatic and serious! Read me and be awed by my poeticality!"
To which I respond, "... I believe you mean 'poeticism'."
Considering that the first line of any work sets the tone, I suggest you kill this line, burn its sad corpse, and then scatter the ashes into the vastness of space via explosion so that the individual ash particles may never again come into unaided contact with one another.
I told you I hated this line irrationally. >.>
Moving on.
Dirge to psychological/emotional breaking, I can work with. Breaking to a cannon firing, or dirge to a cannon firing, not so much. Now, this wouldn't have been an issue if you'd expanded on the connection right after, but you don't. Which is a shame, really, since this line showed some promise.
The only reason I know this is a Cops and Robbers reference is because you explained it to me. Otherwise, this sudden transformation of gun to twig makes absolutely no sense. Even knowing the reference, the transformation is tenuous. Show the connections. Please. Having at least some semblance of logical idea flow is the difference between being the all-wise and -knowledgeable Master of Koan that the whole world bows down to in awe and being the raving mad lunatic that no one ever bothers listening to even when he's right.
The disjoint here between stanzas is really pronounced, but it kind of works. Then again, I'm trying desperately over here to make connections between all the ideas in this poem, and what I'm getting is that "you" killed their sister in alleged self-defense, and that the narrator of the poem is said sister. Except that doesn't explain the prim and proper granny of "your". Stupid pronoun that refuses to allow me to make sense of this thing.
*muttergrumble and lays on the blame*
These were the only stanzas that actually managed to grab my attention. The holding attention part could use some work, but they did a pretty darn decent job compared to the rest of the poem. Honestly, I think you should have started the poem here; it's far more interesting than what you currently have.
And this was about the only piece of the poem I actually liked.
I know you can do better.
...
My God. This poem is LONG! And not in the good and/or enjoyable way. Seriously, condense it. Whatever point(s) you had have been lost in the sheer rambling length of this disjointed monstrosity. It's kind of fascinating to see it lurching along its spasmodic way like an poorly enlivened and stitched-together construct, the kind that's the staple of any mad scientist's retinue, but morbid fascination of the thoroughly perplexed sort does not a good nor thoughtful poem make.
Hack off those unnecessary limbs. Tidy up and tighten those sutures. Fill out its innards with more than just cheap stuffing. And don't forget to give the poor thing some clothes; imagine the scandal you'd create by parading your naked product of unholy science out in decent society.
What's that? I'm getting a bit carried away with the mad-scientist-construct analogy? Nonsense! You can never have too much mad science! Though I suppose you're right; I really should move on...
About the one thing you do consistently well throughout this poem is flow. The flow here in particular was quite good.
The interruption here hurt to read. Physically hurt. Also, more personal preference, but the "shit" felt cheap. You've managed to write the rest of this poem without having to resort to vulgarities, so why start now?
DIE!!!
The line, I mean. Not you. I like you. For the most part. But not that way. But you already know that. >.>
This sentence makes no sense. There's too much that doesn't make sense. Make it make sense. Please.
It's the end! Finally! Only... it doesn't feel very much like an ending. And this bugs me. Immensely. I think, if you broke up this sentence more, made it into several more abrupt sentences, it would work better. I'd give a suggestion or two, but brain = less than empty right now. Sorry.
Overall, this poem could be summed up in four words: too long and disjointed. That stanza about the blocks? Pretty useless as far as I can see. Ditto for the fired stanza. Basically, you've got a lot of body parts haphazardly attached to your creature construct, and it's fracturing the poor critter's skeleton, turning it into a splintered mess of bone fragments. You can try splinting the bones, but that's only treating the symptoms; best thing would be to remove the cause, which is the excess limbs.
Once all the extraneous appendages have been amputated, you can go back in and splint those broken bones, strengthening them with perhaps a better arrangement here and some tasty calcium fortification elsewhere. Strong bones are good and all, especially well-shaped ones.
Translation: Figure out exactly what it is you want to say with this poem. Cut out everything that does not directly contribute to this saying. Reorganize until all necessary ideas flow logically. Add back some flesh as needed.
And never request me to review anything when I am this sleep-deprived. I only hope my loopy ramblings make sense/are helpful/are somewhat amusing. >.<
Okay, so I'm just going to say first off that I read this poem when you first posted it. I hadn't had time to review it but I thought about it later the next day, so I went back to read it a second time. I have know read it a total of three...maybe five times? It's very good and what I admire most is how you managed to weave such powerful imagery into one poem. And, like someone previously mentioned, you had me hooked at "guns."
The only thing that sounded off was this-
In every other stanza you have the word "devil" as singular, yet here it is plural. Maybe you have a separate motive for this word that I'm just not seeing, but every time I read this I think if you change it to "before the devil catches up" it will sound better. Just a thought.
I envy your talent at free verse, I must say. This was a lovely poem and I do hope you write many more poems as good as or better than this one. Keep up the good work.
~Selene
Perfect.
Lumi, I don't know quite where to start. What you've got here is powerful. It's abstract, letting the reader draw they're own connections. It's vivid, showing your skill with wordwork. It's gripping, it's soulful, the list goes on. I thank you for writing this.
~TheManintheHat
I can not say I really liked this. It lacks the artistic passion necessary to be a successful writer and if I properly understood this I would say it is slightly pessimistic and optimism is something essential to be a true artist in any form of art including literature. I also found the use of unintelligent language that should not be used if you desire to be thought as a person of education and sophistication. But, do not take this critique as the fact that I hate this work I just read everything with a thought that I should constructively criticize the work. I also do not say my writing is perfect that is in the decision of the reader.
This was brilliant. Simply genius.
very odd... i like it though, its a different way to write poems...keep it up.
i like the bit with the building blocks, very smart... i like the last verse to, it's inspiring. keep writing, your work is really good.
Soap
That was amazing. I don't know how to give that a review, nor do i have time, but I assure you I've never read anything quite like that. Absolutely astounding. I couldn't even find anything that could be improved the first read through. I lie'd being cofused about the twig thing (I hope you intended it to be confusing), it gave so much more impact to the feeling of unknown. An exciting, extreamely facinating feeling.
Okay: just to start this off, this is going to be a lame review. I apologize in advance, but after someone hits a level so high above my own, I am rendered somewhat (okay, ridiculously) incompetent as far as reviewing goes. However, I really wanted to throw my two (maybe one and a half) cents in, and tell you how much I enjoyed this piece. And I've been meaning to read this for at least a day.
I really like this- there were a couple of things that I thought were interesting/could be worked on.
1) I felt like the first half of it was a little too prose-y, which isn't something I say often. But the rhythm felt very straightforward, and the language wasn't too figurative, so it just felt like I was reading a paper or story of sorts. And extremely good one though, mind you.
2) I love the 2nd person POV. I really found it to hold the reader in, and almost MAKE them take the role and relate.
3) Some parts of this almost feels rushed to me. Not in the rhythmic sense or length sense, but I feel like I've been thrust into the role of someone else, and to be perfectly honest, I'm not entirely sure what's going on the entire time. You jump from image to image without much of an introduction or reason, and at first it was a little disconcerting. I know that this kind of contradicts with my previous point, but I found the discomfort interesting on one level and well... uncomfortable on another. Still kind of undecided
4) The language itself was beautiful- you have a really interesting style of writing, and it's simply captivating. Excellent job.
Overall: Love it. c:
Wow. What a powerful poem -- and I'm not just saying that. What an interesting thought, perspective, description brought into all this.
So, as I can't really find any faults in this, I may as well show you what I loved about this poem. These lines were really stand-out to you:
I don't know why this stood out so much, but I think it was just so great -- and not to mention it totally contradicted the last part of the poem, about the angels.
This was also a "Wow" line. Nothing more to say than that simple one-syllable word.
OVERALL:
Please keep writing stuff like this. I've never much gotten poetry, but this was such an obscenely magnificent thing ... "Liking" it doesn't seem to give it enough credit for what it actually is, so luckily it's a featured work. I'll "Like" it anyway though.
I was interested from the beginning, you had me at gun, and kept me 'till the end. Quite honestly, I wish I could like this more than once. Nothing I say will be of any help whatsoever, but nice work, Lumi!
Hi Lumi
The ideas and words you lay out here are pretty incredible. You show a tremendous amount of insight and ability with your words. However, I felt a bit let down when I finished. You had the content and the language, but I still felt like something was missing. I'll get back to that.
The first three stanzas did a great job of drawing me in. You develop a unique flow and style that you maintain throughout this section. I loved fact that you kept things fairly cryptic, but still had strong enough connections to allow the reader to draw an overarching intention out of the words.
This is where those connections started to break down for me. You suddenly jump from discussing family relations and battle-philosophy to a grandmother's opinions on proper manners. While I wouldn't be surprised if you intended some underlying connection between the two, the lack of any form of transition makes it hard for the reader to follow. The jump to the narrator's figurative funeral also lacks any form of meaningful transition, leaving the reader to fend for themselves in the search for meaning.
This was my least favorite stanza in the poem. It again lacks any clear connection to the surrounding lines, and it was the most unoriginal. One of the strongest points of this poem is the originality and unique style, and raging at the objectification of women has been done a million times before. If you don't want to get rid of the idea altogether, try coming at it from an angle that will provide the reader with some new insight or perspective.
The tone in this stanza is very nicely done. The second line builds personality, and the 3rd and 4th lines do a good job of adding to the guiding style of the narrator. The "equivalent exchange" transition from the previous stanza also worked well. I prefer the last line without the "back". "Back" implies to me that the subject made the first attack on the devil, which isn't what I pulled from the poem. Without it, the line also has much more of a battling feel, rather than a vengeful feel.
I particularly loved the implications of this stanza, but it didn't live up to its potential strength because the only thing connecting it to previous stanzas was the recurring devil reference.
Is "he" the devil? That's how I interpreted it, but the "Aim and fire." between this and the previous stanza broke up the ideas enough that it took me a moment to figure out who you were referencing. I suggest trying to make that a little less ambiguous. The second line is well done. The third line felt too blunt to me. Outright statements leave me wanting proof. I don't want the narrator to tell me things, I want the narrator to show me things.
Again, the "he" is pretty ambiguous. At this point you seem to be moving further and further into stating ideas outright. Go back and look at how you laid out your ideas in the first few stanzas compared to this and the two previous stanzas. You've started just telling the reader what you're trying to get across. You're brilliant, show me something beautiful that I can pull meaning from instead. I know you can.
It was never clear to me that the narrator ever thought the devil was anything but alive. If he did think that the devil was dead, it isn't made very clear. I do appreciate the illumination on the narrator's fate, though.
I felt that this stanza was a nice return to the original feel of the poem. The insanity of worrying about the blood on the bases was a nice touch, and it referenced to and built on an idea that you started earlier. Good stuff.
Too blunt. Too bland. I want at least some personality or beauty, hopefully both.
The final stanza wrapped things up nicely and came back to the original idea with an interesting twist. Your depiction of running as a form of fighting for oneself is really intriguing, and this piece has the potential to be truly incredible. However, the poem lacks the tightness it needs. There are too many jumps and tangents. It seems like you had a bunch of things on your mind and tried to cram them all into a single poem. Slow down a bit and develop things. If you want a wide array of angles in a single poem, spin a web with them so that each piece has a clear connection to the previous and last. Right now it's just a little too fragmented, which drastically dulls its power.
I hope at least some of this made sense. I probably shouldn't review works this late at night. I loved this poem, and if you ever edit it, it would make me indescribably happy to see future versions of it.
Good luck, and nice job.
This is lovely. I love this. I love its complexity--I have to keep going back and re-reading, but I feel like I'm seeing different aspects of the poem each time. I could tell you everything I love about it, but that would take too long and other people will tell you that; though I have to say that my favorite part was the link between the first stanza and the last, how the devils turned to angels...gorgeous.
I think that this part could be improved, or even taken out entirely.
I don't think it's as strong as the other ones. I think the selling-sex-as-a-waitress-at-a-bar thing isn't as...strong, especially as it's the first kind of "narrative" we hear about ourselves, right after a series of stanzas about the devil and guns and funerals. I think you might want to search for a stronger, harsher, sideways look at something else.
But even that isn't much of a problem. This is absolutely fantastic.
Thank you for sharing.
I am here to review like you asked, but this was amazing and I am not sure I will be able to help you very much. My review will probably just be opinions and praise. But let's get started.
O.K. the beginning of this is riveting, and it stayed that way throughout. I was instantly captured in. Your lines have just enough pattern to make a rhythm and just enough of it isn't in a pattern to make the pattern less noticeable. I don't really like poems that are so structured. By the second line the voice in my head had gone to a beat that made it sound like a song. Though some people may think it is in 'sentence form' it really is poetry and I don't think you should make the lines copper or more 'poetic'.
Your imagery was wonderful. I pictured the whole thing as I read. Many people struggle to get imagery and feeling, but I felt every, sentence every word, every picture.
The idea of this poem was wonderful and you expressed it throughout. I loved how you did this mostly because a lot of poems you see now-a-days just tell you what they're about outright. You hint at it just enough, well it is really kind of obvious, but you leave enough room for readers to shape it slightly differently to fit their needs at the time.
Yep, I was right about my review, not helpful at all, oh well. I did my best, but unless you want me to give you a line-by-line nitpick review this is what you are going to get.
A. S.
This was bloody brilliant. I'll be back to review it later.
That was, um...AWESOME!
Okay, so we got that over with!
You really surprised me, I didn't think that I would like that so much, I loved it!
You were very creative and did a great job!
I think I understand you here...
"You’re back in kindergarten. Remember the building blocks?
You loved the building blocks. You spell out the word “L-O-R-D” and you’re a genius.
You spell out the word “A-S-S” and they request a meeting.
If he’s dead, then you’re in your last stretch of life and I’m your T-ball coach
standing on the home stretch, shouting at you to slide.
If you slide and miss, you’re a hero.
If you run faster and win, you’re a coward."
Are you simply giving examples of how this senile world is sooo unfair?
Or how this unfair world is soooo senile?
Again, I really really really liked it!
Thank you so much for posting it!
Hey there!
Right, firstly, this is quite good in terms of narrative winds and snaps of visualisation thanks to a dandy set of word choicing. However, at the start, the poem is far too prose-like. I think this is because you've got quite a few sentence imitating punctuated lines, for example, most of the lines are ending with a full stop. This picks up further through the poem when you begin to use a more lyrical stand point but I don't think we're getting the initial rhythm we need to be enticed with in the first stanza. Perhaps experiment with your punctuation a wee bit more?
Probably my favourite thing about your poem is that it is in second person, almost as if you were putting us through a trial or something. I wasn't quite sure what I was being told to do but the flashy-like narrative and shocking visuals you create like shooting my 'sister' in self-defence was rather thrilling to a certain point. Even with the two last stanzas I can't really derive much of a specific effect or meaning or intent for writing this, but all the same it was comfortable and interesting to read. I'm guessing that you've tried to be explicit in the end, but I'm not deriving all too much.
So, this poem is good, but I'd revise your structure and punctuation at the start of the poem and perhaps try and create your meaning and effect in a more explicit way, whilst maintaining your style.
Hope this helps.
Ben
Woohh buddy you should keep this under the short story category...
By the way good use of words and very soulful...
Keep up the good work...
PM me for anything...
Maybe it's just me, but I didn't quite get the idea of the poem. I guess it's the instability of human being.. [ Yey! for the last 2 verses ] Or maybe the fact that people nowadays do what they do only for themselves.
The choice of words is pretty good, it's just you've created a chaotic scene, and I didn't get most of the poem.
I would really appreciate if you would enlighten me.
Other than that, good job.
*bows*