Sweet song birds, high in that tree.
If only thou could see,
the way they flap their wings
and sing.
That lovely tune,
of neat coos.
Following up an absurd song,
one that, assumed, I would sing along.
But I didn't and what a shame
to know that there was nothing to gain, at all.
For if I known before I came,
of their standard limited cafe.
I would have left before I stayed
to hear their mindless song, they sang.
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140,644 Literary Works • 673,577 Reviews
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I think the first line of a poem sounds better when it's followed by a connecting line as a full stop at the end of line one feels very jarring. Perhaps you could describe the birds just a little more before addressing the reader? I also think thou should be you. Sometimes it's fun to play with old English but it doesn't work very well in modern, free verse poems. It fits better when you're writing in a more traditional form like a Shakespearean sonnet.Specifics
1. I'm not sure about using 'sweet' as the descriptor for the song birds. I like the alliteration but I feel like sweet is over used when it comes to birds so maybe you could go for something a little different like 'soft' or 'swift' or 'silver'. Something that's not as commonly used to describe birds and which you may be able to build into a more interesting image.
2.
3. I'm not sure how a coo can be 'neat' - do you mean neat as in cool or neat as in tidy? The former kind of makes sense but seems really at odds with the use of thou. I'm not sure about coos being tidy though. I think something like rhythmic or soothing would make more sense.
4. I think the on and off rhyming is a little out of place in a poem about birds singing a nice song because it doesn't give a very musical or rhythmic feel to the poem. I think you need to decide if you're going to have a rhyme pattern or not and then stick to it and avoid rhyming accidentally at the end of lines.
That aside, I think the content here is good. I like that the persona didn't sing along with the birds and that they seem half regretful, but also quite cynical about what value there is to be had from that.
5.
6. I think 'they sang' is surplus here because 'their mindless song' already tells us they were the ones singing it so you're repeating yourself.
Overall
I like the idea behind the poem and the kind of tongue in cheek humour of the persona who seems at first to be telling us about the birds' song because they like it but you soon realise that actually they're annoyed by it. I think you need to decide what you're doing with the flow and whether you want it to be rhythmic like a song or free verse to kind of reflect that the persona isn't singing along - I guess it depends on whether you're aiming for irony or not.
All the best with this!
~Heather
This is a very deep poem that takes some thought to understand; this quality is apparent in most great poetry. There is a soothing flow in this melancholic work, and the poem itself seems as though it just rolls off the tip of your tongue, don't you think? The way in which you used rhyming tied everything together very nicely in a little bow; good job. Another interesting aspect of this poem is how the poem shares with you a meaningful story. In the beginning of it, t describes the sweet song birds gracefully and kindly. Yet as the poem continues, there is a saddening effect added that takes it to a whole new level. I especially like in the last line where you say "their mindless song." This combination of words gives a final touch of beauty in the plain and mindless simplistic reality.
Great job! Continue writing with your great talent. Have a nice day.