Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

How many days past since his death? Five or seven. They don't seem that long...but death can change people. Mom won't get out of bed. Jessie refuses to acknowledge his existence and dad...hasn't been home. Mourning for a loved one is natural but I just can't be sad that he's gone. I love...loved...my little brother but whenever I think about him (or even pass his room), I get a weird, uncomfromable feeling. My palms get sweaty, a lump forms in my throat and I find myself with my guard up.

I like this a lot. Very good start. Your opening sentences really say a lot, which is always good.

As I always say to everyone, try to use more descriptive langauge. Substitute words like "weird" for "mystifying" etc, so that it gets more interesting.

There are a few spelling errors here and there, that can easily be fixed with a proofread or two.

If I am to be brutally honest, I do think that you could possibly make your opening line a bit more extrevegant. It's just, the opening line says a lot about the story. IF your story is based around the dad's death, then of course, keep the first line. If this factor is almost nonexistent later on in the 'book' (if you choose it to be a book later on), then I would suggest a catchphrase or something that people can look at and think "Impressive", know what I mean?

Nonetheless, keep it up! I look forward to reading more - Tiana

Hi LoyalDay,
I think the start of this story is really good. It tells a lot about what had happened in just a paragraph. Maybe later, if you want to make this story longer, you can change this and make it longer and more descriptive.

It has a lot of suspense to it especially at the part which says,
"My palms get sweaty, a lump forms in my throat and I find myself with my guard up."
I do like that sentence as it adds a lot of suspense but you could maybe change it to something like,
"My palms became sweaty as a lump formed in my throat; I found myself with my guard up.
Overall though, this is very good.

-ElegantEgt

I think this is a brilliant idea! I love how you set up the story. I like how you showed instead of tell. It just seems so realistic and emoitional!


But, there are many questions left unanswered, like, How did he die? Where is the dad? Why does the main character get nervous when thinking about their little brother? It needs more!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Also, you spelled uncomfortable wrong.

-Alex

HEELLO Loyal Day,
A short story about the death of a younger brother. It's a good first paragraph. I hope there's more though. Also, you've added a bit of emotion but it's not quite enough. Expand on the sadness- that should add a few more sentences to your paragraph.
I have a feeling I know where this is headed. Since it's a horror genre, I bet there's a connection between the brother's death and the narrator's thoughts about him. Maybe he'll come back to haunt the narrator's dreams? Or the narrator might catch a glimpse of the younger brother's ghost in his room?
Just what I think is going to happen. You could take them as suggestions too.

Keep writing,

Night Kaizer

Hey Hey!

How are you? Ready for a review?

You take short story very literal don't you? Sorry. The length doesn't matter, but this should definitely GIVE me more. The start is here, you have me hooked, where is the line, the sinker!

The horror is that maybe the MC killed his little brother? That is scary. I know someone who was once climbing a tree, her little brother was under it, and the branch snapped, killing him. That's horrifying.

I need a cause of death, an age, descriptions, I need something more.


I'm telling you this because the story has A LOT OF PROMISE, but it's missing key details! I know you can do it, because you got me hooked (no line, no sinker. YET) with, let's see, 5 lines! Wow!

For names maybe the guilty or maybe the unknown. Something short. Something simple.

Overall thoughts: I really like it!!! It's amazing! Good job!


Love,
Lau.

Hi there, Keumgan here for a review!

Is this going to be the beginning of your story? It sounds like it could be interesting. I get a feeling that you want to express some more emotion in there though. I'm going to assume this is a first draft. If this were to be a prologue, I would definitely make it longer. I would also give it a little more mystery. "How many days past since his death?" is a little too straight to the point, considering that you'd like this to be a horror story. For example, I would begin with "How many days have gone since it happened?", then I would slowly build up to the idea that someone died after a little bit more vague description. I like how you wrote "I love...loved...my little brother". This is the kind of emotion I would look for in a story. However, plucking "but whenever I think about him" immediately afterwards, without a stop, cuts away that emotion you're trying to display. I hope this makes sense.

I think it will make for an interesting story, I hope this helped!