Why don’t you lie to me,
While you lie with me.
Tell me about the stars in my eyes,
Or the future we have,
Or how you love how my hair turns red,
In the dying light.
What a wonderful thing to base a relationship on,
Untruths and broken guitar strings,
Stories and grungy old converse.
Play me an F Sharp minor,
For the death of my innocence.
I gave it all up for you.
We threw a funeral,
You didn’t even think about attending.
After all,
You have your pick of the girls.
You, dressed all in full punk rock regalia
Good girls love a bad boy.
But this is where my story changes,
I was the one who slipped away,
From your torture chamber,
The mattress in your backseat.
After that one night,
I thought I’d never be whole again,
Never to love again.
And then he came along,
Far from the white knights,
I had expected.
He’s too skinny,
Too lanky,
His hair does not fall gracefully,
Flaxen,
Over his shoulders.
But he still picked me up,
And put me back together again.
Now you look jealous,
You’ve started referring to me as
Your girl again.
I was never your girl.
I was always his.
He was there for me.
It was he that I cried to,
That one night,
When you were too high to care.
How dare you try to take me away?
You have no right to me.
You’re just mad,
I chose your best friend.
Oh, and
P.S.
Our band’s getting a new guitarist.
I loved the first two sections of your poem, but the very last section, you lost me. It seemed less emotional than the rest of the poem. And also, I felt as though the language was less impressive. Not the words you were using, but the word choices you were making. I cannot explain it well, but the last section was simply lacking. However, the overall poem itself is wonderful. Keep me posted Happy Writing!
I like the overall attitude the poem takes after finishing the end, so I don't have much to critique in the way of plot or context. I think you picked wonderful words to describe what is going on. I would like to point out a few things that you may or may not want to look over.
First, in the first stanza, the first line, makes it sound as if the individual doesn't even bother lying to the individual during their brief relationship. I could see how that is possible, but if it was the case, then how was the relationship based on untruths? Perhaps I'm not thinking about it right, but I would like to understand what exactly the first line was supposed to represent within the context of the story.
Aside from that, I like how the letter seems to represent a letter of denial towards the 'bad boy' and I would like to see if the mood could be more continuous through the poem by putting something at the top like a typical letter would open, such as Dear jerk, and then begin the poem, perhaps it would make a good title.
Hey LTR! I'm going to go ahead and review this poem. I will do a stanza by stanza review, and then an overall review of the work. I hope my review proves helpful. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions!
First stanza!
This stanza was great. Although, I feel like line eight was a little weak. 'Untruths' was okay, but I don't quite see how a relationship can be based on broken guitar strings. It sounded good, though. I think you could reword the last bit of that line and it would have some more impact. An f-sharp is not a proper noun, and it should be hyphenated. I liked the conclusion of this stanza.
Second stanza!
I don't have much to critique on the second stanza, it's great! I think some more description on the boy who picked her up from her broken pieces personality would be nice.
Third Stanza!
I feel like line seven breaks the voice of the poem a little. It sounds a bit too old fashioned and formal for the character in the poem. The last line was great! It was very in-your-face. You concluded the poem well!
Your poem was very well written. There were some times where I feel like you broke voice, but those are few and far between. Give it a quick read through and try to sound like your character would sound if she were reading the poem.
Nice job, LTR! You are a gifted poet. Keep up the good work!
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