Young Writers Society

Hello there roses! Dogs here with your review today. Ok, interesting idea for a poem here, but to be honest the topic of love is incredibly worn out and overused. If you want to write a poem about a broken heart or love, then you MUST do something that makes it stand out over all other poems written about love. I think in this poem you do a good job of describing but you need to create some more imagery. You need something that will just make the readers eye's pop when the see it. There are a couple ways that you can go about doing this:

Firstly and most importantly, add more imagery. Imagery is the most important concept in writing poetry. Without it you leave your reader blind and your poem almost always loses its power. There are, of course, a few rare exceptions. But you need to describe how you feel more. Yes this lends a little to more the emotional side of description and what not, but you can make an imagery scene out of an emotion. Describe how they destroy your heart, what does your heart do? Is it made of glass and covered in a spiderweb of cracks encasing your heart until it shatters into nothingness? Give us a little more imagery here.

Secondly, use more exciting words. Try plugging in some of the boring and overused words that you use into a thesaurus, it'll give you more exciting and descriptive words rather than the ones I read every single day in my reviews. Like when you say: "I can get lost again in blue eyes and heroic deeds" there is so much more potential for strong language. Like "I get lost in your gorgeous glistening eyes, glimmering with lust and shimmering with delight" Now that sounds so much more interesting to read.

"I'm abandoned for ink and paper"

I'm not quite sure what this means, why are you abandoned for, above all things, ink and paper? These are things you need to clarify for the reader.

All and all there is a good idea here and great potential but it needs a little polishing. Let me know if you ever need a review anytime. Keep up the good work!!

TuckEr EllsworTh

Hi there, LovelyTeaRoses.

This is lovely. I haven't read many poems about how books make you feel (or, as in your case, the characters we all fall in love with). Because I like this so much, I'm going to get super nitpicky (it's a good thing, and it'll help your poem seem more polished.

A tragic prince,
A noble peasant,
They have all left me satisfied.

tragic princes,
noble peasants
have all left me satisfied

They leave my bed,
My arms,
And they leave me for their betrothed.
I’m abandoned for ink and paper.

They leave my bed and my arms
for their betrothed
within ink and paper.

I am able to pick up another,

And I have loved every one.

I had no trouble at all discerning what this poem was about. Between the title, the description, and the content of the poem, it is clear that this poem is about falling in love with book characters. I'm quite surprised that all the previous commenters have seemed to miss this fact....

All in all, quite a good job. I really like the idea of mixing the fantasy world of the characters with the real world of your bed.

The one thing that does bother me, however, is the unclear distinction between the writer of the books and the characters in the books. Do the characters' words thrill you, or do the authors'? Does the character leave you for ink and paper, or does the author? I don't really see too much of a problem in leaving this ambiguous, but I would have preferred it to be clear.

Also, some of your sentences are a bit awkward. Some sentences are fragments, which I think should be combined with the previous sentence and separated by commas, e.g.

"I can get lost again in blue eyes and heroic deeds.
A never ending cycle,
Lovely and earth shattering."

to

"I can get lost again in blue eyes and heroic deeds,
a never ending cycle,
lovely and earth shattering."

Also, the capitalization at the beginning of each line is quite unnecessary.

I really enjoyed this poem. As for the age rating, I don't think it's really required because your meaning isn't literal...but I guess it can be taken in a very sexual way.

Keep up the good work!

I am a little confused about the message of this poem. At first I thought this would be about lust, then I didn't know because she started describing her experiences, and the people. Is about the deep connection she feels, and not wanting to let it go?

Also, I agree with guineapiggirl. There are some innuendoes, so make sure you put the 15+ plus rating at least.

Oh I love the rhythm of this! I haven't even had time to think about what I'm looking at before you're diving right in there, very nice! I guess I should dive into a review

Specifics

1. Great use of half rhyme and you've got a good rhythm going on.

2. We go from lovers to 'his' and that's a little disconcerting. I think you need to introduce him first. Just a line to tell us that we're moving on to a specific one of these lovers now.

3. Ah you mean for his to be plural? Maybe a capital H would help with that! Also, you've lost your beat a bit. Where are those snazzy half rhymes and run on sentences you were using earlier?

4. I think you need to be more subtle with your writing references! At the moment they're a little too obvious.

5. Breaking this into stanzas might be nice! There seems to me obvious pauses, like after line four, then at the repeat of the line 'I have let many lovers into my bed', which works very well by the way.

6. Rather than pleasure and a broken heart, could you translate that into something physical? It would make a really cool contrast with the 'not leaving evidence' because of course they leave nothing, but then they do. Maybe crumpled sheets or a wet pillow?

Overall

I think the ending could have been more explosive! I was waiting for a twist or something so that was a little bit disappointing! I wanted something more, I'm not sure what, but I felt sure that I'd get to the end and there would be this big falling into place. That's because you've built the tension well so good work there, but give us more to the ending! And tidy up some of those later lines. You flow is so sleek and lovely in the first section, I refuse to believe the others haven't been somewhat rushed.

For example, I want to see a run on line at line six. Something like:

There is excitement crafted in His words,
a hero with a prince's pains, or peasants
in their noble guise.

Just a quick example, but hopefully it gives you some ideas on how to fix the flow.

Thanks for the read and let me know if you make any edits; I'd love to take another look!

Heather xx

Hallooo! Guineapiggirl here to review!
Firstly, I think this could probably do with some sort of age rating. I know it's not exactly explicit, but it does talk about having lovers in bed. Which is a bit (Miranda voice) sexual.
Also, I don't get what the title has to do with this poem. I don't think there's any late night reading going on here.

And they leave me for their betrothed.
I’m abandoned for ink and paper.

I don't get the abandoned for ink and paper bit. Why would she be abandoned for ink and paper? I don't get it.

A tragic prince,
A noble peasant,

This is interesting. It gives you the impression of it being in the olden days. I'd like you to build on this. Have more description of the time. What is her room, with the bed, like? Is she a peasant or is she a princess? What do people think of her having so many lovers?
I find it odd how they say they've let many lovers into their bed, and loved them all. I can imagine that having many lovers like this would be perhaps because she's loved one of them and feels empty without them or something. I don't know, I just find it a bit odd.
So, in conclusion, I'd like you to possible add an age rating to this, and also expand on what's going on in this poem.
I hope I've helped a little bit!