The dusty, rickety old window gave a suitable view of the world below my feet. The sun made everything seem golden and nice. I could hear the children running and laughing, the adults half-panicked cries of distress to stay away from the street. There was even the faint sound of the icecream truck coming around the corner. The birds were chirping happily, the trees swayed gladly in the wind, your typically Lifetime movie moment. Everything was at peace.
The whole thing made me depressed.
I wish, if only for a hour, that could be me down there. Not a care in the world, not having to worrying about anything, but we can't all get what we want, can we? No. Some of us have to spend our treasured childhood in a sick and twisted form of solitary confinement. You grow up thinking 'life is perfect' and 'everything is just a box of chocolate' until BAM! Life roundhouse kicks you in the face. Your views about everything are changed and you start to see the world for the horrible place it is. Yes, everyone must go through this, I know. So you may be saying now " Oh, don't bitch about it." But you don't understand, you people never understand. No one ever has to go through this shit at ten!
I'm ten years old and already I'm heartless, soulless, and loveless! My parents are dead and I'm an orphan. Yes, I also know that there are orphans younger than me, that their parents may have just didn't want them! But you don't see! You don't understand that the pain is more when you're the one that killed them! "Ahh! Run away! Psychopath! Murderer!" That's what you want to scream, I bet. But you don't see, you don't know! Hear me out! They tried to kill me first. What did you expect me to do?!? Sit there like a helpless chicken and let myself be murdered? Oh no, nun-uh, no way! I was fighting back. Don't ask me how, 'cause I don't know, but somehow, someway, I managed to kill two fully grown adults.
I ran away afterwards, but, sadly, I was found. They sent me to therapy, a children's correction center, and then finally, when they thought I was brainwashed, they sent me to an orphanage. But I was never fixed. They think I've stopped lying to them, but I've just gotten better at it.
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140,573 Literary Works • 673,518 Reviews
Ahhh…I like it. I like the introduction of the story you are making. Firstly, I want to say that you used well the opening paragraph to set out a mood of the story followed by a contradiction by a single line. By doing so, I believe that you were able to establish another quick tone to the story.
Furthermore, you had managed to use the word “you” into your introduction. This is a way to invite the reader into the story and you had managed it well especially when you complained about the various things that made you sick which was a bit nice because you were able to invite the reader into the character’s mind.
Lastly is the twist of the story which is the murder of the parents by the child. This is interesting because to be honest how many children under the age of thirteen can kill their parents?? By doing so, you grab the attention of the reader into knowing what cause the events and makes them curious on its effects to the child.
I just love that bit, haha, it made me laugh. You painted up a pretty beginning and then bam, suddenly just "The whole thing made me depressed." Well, I dunno 'bout you, but I found it funny
Um, I think it'd be better if you said 'ten' instead of '10'. It just looks better? *Shrugs*
Orphan begins with a vowel, so therefor it should be 'an' instead of 'a'.
Other then that, nice story! You had some nice descriptions and the MC has a very strong voice. Good luck with any future writing. Bye!
Hi! Miss Summer Night at your service!
Thank you for the review Phantom. Obviously I was correct in assuming you'd give me a full review. Thank you for your help. Rain, my character is looking out of the window of his room on the second floor of the orphanage. And he's looking below to where everything is so perfect from a place where everything is so horrible. Sorry for the misunderstanding.
Well, that's all! Bye!
Hey!
Got your PM! Obviously. =/
But, yeah, you didn't bother me. I enjoy reading through things and giving reviews, even if my review count doesn't show it. (Looks ashamedly at review count) I really do need to fix that up...
Anyhoo. The review you wanted. =D
Also, my corrections in the quote box thingmabobs are in bold. =D
Here, take off the second comma. 'Tis unneeded.
I don't think you need the hyphen here.
Personally, I would switch these two sentences around. You go from explaining the scene, to saying everything was at peace, and then back to explaining more of the scene. Switch it. =P
Haha! Not what I was expecting! At all.
Take out "so". Its unneeded.
Ahh, repetitiveness. Take one out. =D
Ahh, take out "very". The sentence works perfectly fine without it. =)
I personally would italisize the "you're" for more emphasis. Especially since you're revealing that it was a ten year old boy who killed his parents. Also, change "AH!" to "Ahh!" Really, in a story, you never want to use all caps. One of the few exceptions is if someone is bellowing.
Only one time in a story should the "!?" be used, and usually any more than one exclamtion point and/or question mark is unneeded and can be read to someone as obnoxious.
I really liked this. I'm going to go and read the second part now. =P
And done!
Here's the first part!
I hope I helped.
And, obviously, remember that this is your story and you can choose to use my corrections or not.
Good story!
Kudos to you.
-Basket-
Nice, really nice piece you have there. Emotional and strong, your story triggered something in me and drawn me to it dark world. I would like to see more from you! I am also writing about somewhat the same topic, but the child in my story revenge her parents after they sold her to be a sex slave of a rich old man. Maybe from your story, I can see the world inside my character better.
Oh and I notice this:
It should ends with a question mark, isn't it?
And this:
First, when I read this sentence, it give me the feeling that he is standing on a window. Second, why the normal world, the world of happiness have to be below him? That make me have the first impression that he live in a better world, which is I know you don't meant to make it like that. Maybe you could try to let him look up from a basement window? That would make the feeling of depress stronger.
However, these are just my opinions, you don't have to pay attention to my babbling if you don't like it.
i really enjoyed this! you portrayed your characters emotions really well and caught my attention straight off with your description. just one thing though and this is just a suggestion.
[/quote] "AH! Run away! Psychopath! Murder!" [quote]
Was 'Murder' meant to be 'Murderer?'
apart from that i can't wait until you right more. please PM me!
Afeefah
Thanks!!!
Hi! Miss Summer Night at your service!
Yes tnme22, I was considering making the main character a boy, his name, as you soon will discover, is Rayne Valkyre. I picked Rayne because I feel it is a very versatile name, and I wasn't yet sure if the MC was a girl or boy. I'm working on the second part right now I'll be sure to pm you and Juicebox when its done. Thank you very much.
Well that's all! Bye! ^^
Hi! Miss Summer Night at your service!
Thank you, peanut19 I did as you said and made the correct changes, I hope this version is better.
Well! That is it my dear, bye!
I love this part. The detail of the emotion is so strong, I felt as though it was me. That is what some great authors are trying to do, get the readers involved. You have succeed my friend. You should consider writing a book. And if you already started, great. Please, if any update happens, if you start to write a book or if you post a new story, please PM me.
Great, great, great, great opening. I love it. Great language, great descriptions, everything
Okay, bottom line, this is absolutely awesome.
Characters:
This MC is extremely strong. He/She has a great, strong voice and I love their language style. Right now I'm thinking the MC is a boy. I almost like not knowing which sex it is, it leaves more up to the reader.
Overall:
I thought this was awesome. I found no nit-picky things to point at and I thought the overall concept was really good.
You should really think about continuing this and if you do please PM me
Gold star for you!
-Carly
Loveless, this was a good start. I could feel you character's emotions.
On this part though I would take out the hear. Also in the second sentence I would reword it: 'There was even the faint sound of the ice-cream truck.....' When you said hint I thought of smell or the character seeing it but if they are hearing it you need to be more specific. I think that was it.
~peanut~