Hey Loveless, I'm here to do a review for you 
I'll put all my grammar corrections in red, and explain other points below. If I rewrite a sentence to flow better, I don't want you just to copy it, but rather read it, see what I'm getting at and rewrite it yourself to improve.
I have a lot of time on my hands, so this may be a long one I obtained food and shelter mechanically#FF0000 ">, and soon lost the want for food all together, the basic need became necessary to me
[b]Okay, A few things here. First, I understand the whole getting food 'mechanically' but using the word obtained just makes it too impersonal, if that makes sense. It sounds a bit like a robot giving a report, rather than a person's thoughts.
Second, you need a comma after mechanically, and the word is altogether, not all together.
And third, I'd break this sentence up into two. It would just flow better as the two thoughts aren't that easy to connect. Maybe like this : I gathered food and shelter mechanically, and soon lost the want for food altogether. But the basic need became necessary to me.
Days passed slowly and the nights never seemed to last long enough.
Start a new paragraph with this line
I almost always had to steal food#FF0000 ">; the cans from the orphanage, though I took many, didn't last very long
The first comma should be a semi-colon and I'd put an and before "though" to make it flow better.
My little raids often caused me to have to switch town, and fast#FF0000 ">. I even left my backpack when I had to make a quick escape, I stole a new one though.
The comma after fast should be a stop.
This sentence is a little awkward to me. Try this: These desperate raids often meant that I had to switch towns, and fast. Once I forgot my backpack behind when forced to make a quick escape, but I stole another one.
The trains proved to be the most reliable form of transportation for me#FF0000 ">. #FF0000 ">They come on a regular schedule and really not that hard to jump
Confusing wording again. Drop "the" before trains and make the comma a stop, as the second part of this sentence is an entirely unrelated thought.
Once again, just the right wording. They came on a regular schedule, and really weren't that hard to jump.
Midnight had acquired a un-rational fear for them though#FF0000 ">, Every time it comes time to jump a new one I have to shove her in my backpack
The word is irrational, not un-rational
And that comma should be a stop.
The second part, you've changed to the present tense? I know it's not intentional, but it's quite perturbing. Easy to fix, though
I settled in under the first bridge I came across#FF0000 ">. #FF0000 ">It was late, #FF0000 ">and the time on my new found watch flashed 11:23
That comma should be a stop also because these are two different sentences. I added the and in to make this one sentence. If you don't have it then you've once again made two separate sentences one.
I whispered#FF0000 ">. I was catching a slight cold and my voice was hoarse and barely audible,
Two sentences not one
Listen, boy, we've all had pets, but trust me, when you get hungry enough you're little Midnight will start looking like a 3-course meal
I really like this line. It's threatening and hostile, and that's exactly what you're going for. The only thing I have to say is that the 3 should be written as three. You don't use numerical numbers in writing.
I swallowed hard and risked a glance down at Midnight.
This should be the start of a new paragraph.
her left ear was torn from a battle she had with a stray dog not to#FF0000 ">o many weeks back,
Too, not to.
" What's a young'en like you doing homeless anyway.
New paragraph.
"I killed them, sir. Now may I please exit this conversation?"
Aha! A nice turn of events
One thing. If you were in this situation I'm fairly sure you wouldn't say exit. It's very mechanical. Maybe try: "I killed them, sir. Now can we please drop the subject?"
Midnight trotted a rather frightful distance behind me, but I doubt those men would try to put a hand on her, at least I hope they won't try to put a hand on her. She's all I have left.
You change from past tense to present tense here again.
How about this? Midnight trotted a rather frightful distance behind me, but I doubted those men would try to put a hand on her, at least I hoped they wouldn't. She was all I had left.
Mornings are brutal, #FF0000 ">and I never want to wake up. I've always w#FF0000 ">oken up early but would always sleep late anyway, when I had the chance. Like on weekends and breaks. When I did#FF0000 ">, it always pissed off the corpses...
Take note of my corrections in red. For connecting sentences and such.
And who are these corpses you're referring to?
Mom's voice stormed it's way up the stairs and into my room#FF0000 ">, only muffled by the barrier of my closed door.
I'm pretty sure not only Mom's voice is coming up the stairs, right?
Change it from being her voice to it being her.Also, there should be a comma where I've inserted it in the quote.
I just grunted and pulled the pillow over my head#FF0000 ">. I knew it was a very dumb-ass move, but it was Saturday and I was sleepy#FF0000 ">.
Get rid of the "just" before grunted. All you're doing is padding a good line with unnecessary words.
Also, the first and last commas should both be stops.
After about five very long seconds of silence I was almost completely pulled back into my previous dream.
Should be a new paragraph.
I was on the beach with Sandy, my current crush of the week
New paragraph again. Also, get rid of "current". It isn't necessary either.
We were sipping on pineapple drinks and watching the ocean slowly swallow the sun.
Why not try a more elegant word, rather than just pineapple drinks. Like Piǹa Colada or something?
Also, I think how you worded the sunset is beautiful.
Colors of red, pink, and purple were thrown across the water in squiggly lines
Everyone knows that red, pink and purple are colours, right? Yes
So there's no need to say that they're colours.Try, Squiggly lines of red, purple, and pink were thrown across the water.
The sound of my mom's size eight feet stomping up the stairs pulled me harshly out of my fantasy.
New paragraph, and I don't think you need to state how big his Mom's feet are...
I slowly opened the door to my room, letting the hall-way light pour in like spilled water. I wasn't sad, no, not at all. I knew I deserved this beating.
New paragraph here. And why does he deserve this beating? Clarify.
Overall
This is a good storyline, and you write well. All you need to be great is to navigate your way around the awkward wording you sometimes use. You very often use a comma instead of a stop when you should have two separate sentences. Try to watch out for that. You can see where I've pointed this out, and if you just become aware of it, I'm sure the problem will fix itself.
Another thing you don't do is create new paragraphs where they should be. If you change from one character to another speaking or doing something, it should become a new paragraph. And when there are two entirely unrelated thoughts being mentioned, it should also become a new paragraph.
That thing about the dream really confused me. I understood that he was dreaming about the whole homeless thing with his cat. And then you said he fell back asleep and was in the same dream, but he was now on a beach with a girl called Sandy? It was very disconcerting and I'm still not sure what happened. Try to clear that up.
I liked this, and it'll be great once you do clear up these things.
Characters
I like how he has a cat in his dream. It's nice that he has a companion.
The men under the bridge are perfect, and I love how threatening they are. That's a very good point. You've also described them well, which is great.
Rayne's character is still a little foggy. But it's understandable seeing as this isn't a very long extract. It's just an observation.
And lastly, his parents. Dude, they're mean
I'd like to see why in the future.I really hope this has helped
Keep that pen rolling,
~^~Xirenia~^~
Points: 3433
Reviews: 35
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