The morning dampness clung to my face, and also to my own displeasure, my hair.(Like I actually wanted to flat-iron this mess again)But I paid no mind to that. I was enjoying the "moment in time" way to much to be caught up in silly petty prep girl things.It was about, I don't know, lets say 5:30, and I was on one of my adventures. Its times like these where I think "The world is mine", and "I'm untouchable". But then it dawns on me, sometime later,that the world is not mine and I am not untouchable, unbreakable(because I'm actually kinda fragile....mentally of course)or indestructible. I'm just Summer Night, 5"6, brown almost black eyes, shoulder length black hair,very normal, but in some ways very not.
Unlike many girls my age, which is by the way 14, I like it when it rains. When it rains I'm hypnotized by the sound and the look. Rain makes me think, makes me write, makes me wanna run out and scream in pleasure, MAKES ME WANNA!!!!!...........uh anyway, I'm not freaked out by split ends, I actually think mine are somewhat cute, and lastly, my favorite colors are not pink and yellow, but in fact they are red and black. Well I also like neon green, highlighter orange, and dark purple but only when paired up with black. Those colors could never work with me unless with black.
Well I guess that's not all of what makes me different. There is also the fact that I keep seeing things that aren't there, and no not you're typical corner of the eye crap, I actually SEE things! Now please don't think of me as crazy, no, think of me as observant, and second don't think I'm gonna go on and on about the things I "see" because I really don't see things often, but when i do, oh when i do, its well, really something.
Yeah, well the other reason I'm not a normal teen is my overactive conscience.Like, if I'm going the wrong way or making a fatal decision my legs lock up, I start shaking, I start to sweat, and a voice yells "No! Wrong Way! Don't Do It!!", or something like that. That somewhat explains why I have straight A's. I mean how can mark a wrong answer with a voice screaming at you "No! The answer is not B its D! D i tell you! D!!"
Yeah, well I also (yes there is more) have a very good sense of hearing...when I try. Like if I just sit and listen I can hear practically everything. Everything is so clear, not loud but clear. Now, I can't hear a ant's heartbeat or anything like that, but I can hear a lot. Details of what's happening. Which is why I like the rain. I like hearing each drop hit the pavement, and grass. I can hear even better when i close my eyes. But my hearing has jacked up my seeing, which is why i have these black and red thick rimmed glasses. I don't care because they look good on me.
I threw my head back to look at the sky. The usual pink/purple-ish tint of the usual early morning sky was replaced by various shades of grey and black. My spirits lifted because that usually signaled rain,thunderstorm or no thunderstorm, I don't care, there will be rain. I sat swinging back and forth with my head thrown back counting the different shades of grey, waiting for the rain to start.
"15,16,17,18", a drop of water hit my face, and I smiled,"19,20." As I counted the clouds shifted and it rained harder.As soon as I could hear the satisfying roar of water I got up and walked.
I stuck my hands in my plaid skinny jeans and started off through the giant park. I walked to the intoxicating sound of each drop. Splash! Drip. Drop. Splash! If I stopped trying to hear so closely the rain sounder like a dull roar, which was also calming. Something drew me away from the captivating noise of the rain. Quick intakes of breath. I turned towards the sound. Through the curtain of rain, there was a figure on a nearby bench.
"Needs help!" The voice...My voice came back again. I f my conscience says to help....I help. I walked to the person noiselessly. I t was a boy, I could tell, and, even though he was soaked, I could see his hair was ash black.
"Um. Excuse me." He lifted his head slowly. I caught sight of him and couldn't breath.His eyes were beautiful. White on the rim until darkening to grey and then a deep black in the very middle . His hair stopped just below his ears. He was well perfect, in my eyes anyway. He was staring, no, gazing at me actually. It made me feel uncomfortable. Even though his eyes were red tinted and puffy, and his nose was red he was...well.... I don't know. He wasn't cute or hot, but somewhere in between. And it seems that in between is better than anything I have ever saw in my life.
"Oh! Um, uh . I was wondering if..uh..." He laughed a broken little laugh, it made my heart flutter.
"Well hi. My name is Demetri Fox." I gasped, even his name is amazing. He patted the spot next to him and I shakily went to sit.
"Oh! Uh, I'm Summer Night." He took my hand and smiled before gently pressing it to his lips.
"Very nice name. Nice to meet you Ms.Night." We just sat there. Him holding my hand. Me holding his eyes.
"I was just wondering what you were doing out alone ...so early...in the rain. He dropped my hand to smooth his hair.
"I could ask you the same thing." I smiled.
"But Mister Fox I asked first." He sat up more erect and I pulled my self up to sit cross-legged facing him. He turned his head my way and laughed. The sound made me dizzy.
"Interested?" I shook my head yes.
well that is all i have on this story sofar and as you can see i need help...a lot of help so please help
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140,799 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Heya
I'm not very good at this reviewing, but i think other people have done a good job.
I think this is a very good story very captivating
I really liked it and it made me laugh a couple of times.
I like the name Summer Night, it is very umm
I'm not sure how to describe it but i like it.
I like how you described the boy, and how you said he was Perfect, well in her eyes.
Since the girl has your name is it written about you??Or just got your name and made up??
You can PM me the answer if you wont because i porbably will forget to come back on, to your story. Lol
I will go and read part 2 now.
Borntoshop.
Hello LoVeLeSs! (That was fun to type!) XYZinnia here to review!
So, here we go!
Warning: I might say something that Templeton, Lakegirls, or Antigone might have already said. If so, I’m sorry!
It would appear you already got the grammar lecture, so I’ll skip that part.
That “own” sounds strange to me. We already know it’s you your talking about, so I would get rid of that.
Wait, not a moment ago you said she was upset her hair was wet. So somewhere in the back of here mind, she is getting a little caught up. Also, the last bit sound strange to me. That “silly petty pep girl things” part. I think there are too many adjectives. You would still get your point across if you left out “silly”.
I think “this” instead of “these” would sound better.
Like said before, I would get rid of those parenthesis. It kinda ruins the sentence.
Summer Night is your real name? That’s so cool!
The “which is by the way 14” reads a little funny to me. Also, I know a lot of girls who love the rain. Most do, actually.
Ok, the whole “MAKES ME WANNA!!!!!” makes this look very unprofessional. Kinda like your not telling a story right now, but a Biography. Also, more info dumping.
I don’t see how this is relevant to the story.
Yay for commas!
Slang isn’t very good for books unless a character is talking. I suggest you don’t use a lot of it.
“Yeah”, that word doesn’t sound good. It sticks out. You should be writing a story, not talking about yourself.
One “!” on “Don't Do It" would get the point across.
Fixed ‘er up.
There’s that “Yeah” again.
Comma!
“Jacked up” is not the best way to put that. I thought that last sentence was a bit blunt. Maybe you could say how she ignored the mean comments?
Slashes aren’t good for stories, either.
Er, I don’t recall you saying she was one a swing. If she’s not, “swaying” would be a more appropriate term.
Ha! When I first saw this I thought it said “15,161,718”!
Walked where?
When did she get to the park? You should probably say she was at the park before now.
Ok, rain falls all over the place. It doesn’t lead in one direction. So, she can’t walk toward the sound of each drop.
I think “He needs help!” or just “Help” might sound better.
I know it’s pretty apparent who’s talking, but you still might want to say it’s her.
How could she see his eyes if it was so rainy?
I think that’s impossible for eyes to look like that. Is this a fantasy book? I can’t tell.
I’m a punctuation freak, I know.
Isn’t that the same thing?
I don’t think she could see if his nose was red or not.
Who’s talking?
Demetri, nice.
Lovely line!
If his head was down the whole time, when did he see her?
Up until this point I thought Demetri asked first. Remember to say who’s talking!
Anyway, I thought this was very good. If you just fix the grammar and punctuation it will be even better!
See ya around!
-Y
Hi there. you've had soem thorough crits already so I'm not going to go all the way through. my pointers would be on making sure that the intro. doesn't drag. Also, I sensed some textspeak invading your work, and this is not tolerated here.
Still, I did enjoy it. I'd like to read the next draught, I think, to be less distracted by the grammar issues.
I came to read your piece, thoguh, because I have written a book and called it Heartless. Am I going to have to fight you for the title?
Yes. I know. Very sorry. You see I write for fun, and often forget how important editing is. I should pay more attention to my work. Thank you for the advice.
^^
Hey Loveless! Are you named after the anime? I love that show!
Anywayyy, onto your review!
Welcome to YWS! First, I must tell you that we have an absolute rule about no chatspeak. This means no abbreviations such as "plz" for please. We are a community of writers -- so we write correctly.
Sorry, but there are far, far too many errors to give this a proper critique. Instead, let me give you some hints!
--Always. Always. Always. Capitalize I. I cannot stress this enough.
Correct: I went to the store.
Incorrect: i went to the store.
--Use apostrophes in contractions.
Correct: Don't come in, I'm sick!
Incorrect: Dont come in, im sick!
--Use spell check. It's your friend.
--Whenever someone new speaks, start a new paragraph. Your work is about three paragraphs, and noting the dialogue, it should be several more.
PM me if you have any question!
--Antigone
I know. I know. Im sorry, I sould have checked my work. -and by the way Summer Night is my real name
-
Hi,
It was posted a little oddly, maybe it's just they way that you copied and pasted it, but I would check on that.
Welcome to YWS! First things first, we have a little rule here that you have to review two stories for every post, just to make sure that everyone's work gets reviewed. Now, onto your story. This was an interesting piece, although it needs a little work, but that's what I'm here for
So, onto the review. All my edits, concerns and comments will be in bold:
I cannot stress how important checking your work is. You have so, so many spelling mistakes that I could not fix them all. If you would like me to I can, just PM me. Don't let what I'm telling you discourage you, I know when I posted my first piece I was horrible for not checking, I just got too excited and wanted to post my work for people to read. Please try to check your work for spelling mistakes, it will look much cleaner.
You have a lot of potential with this story. Please keep writing. I want to see what happens to Miss Summer Night, love the name btw.
PM me if you need anything!
Love,
N