Hello there ... I can see your about to read my poem! I would like to say thank you for reading and I accept good reviews and bad reviews ( as long as there is a good enough reason)
Lorna
Xxx
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,828 Reviews
Hello xox Lorna I Think Your Use Of Drawing The Reader In Is BRILLIANT !! Your Gift For Writing Is Incredible
I Love Your Heart Warming Story Of A Son losing His Mother Is So Touching.Well Done !! <3
Hello Lorny
Congratulations on your first post and I'm excited to see that you've done such great work on this poem. In my point-of-view it is an account of a mother who has to leave her child since she's leaving the world but her son isn't ready yet for that. It's very endearing and I was definitely moved by the simple use of words and emotions.
Quite honestly, contrary to the previous reviewers, I feel that there was nothing wrong with the speech in the poem and I could easily make out who was talking (it shouldn't be that difficult since there are only 2 people in the poem, right?). So great job in portraying the feelings of both the mother and son.
I don't have any reason to change or alter the poem. However, I constantly say this to all whom I've reviewed - Read the poem again and again. Find places where you think you could improve and/or alter and thus you'll be able to make your poem better than it already is!
This is a fine poem and I'm glad you've shared it here. I'm looking forward to reading more from you, so keep the ink flowing!
Murtuza
Hey there Lorna! I'm Icy and here to review for you today
This stanza is the one I see a particular need for improvement. I would take out most of the quotation marks, and leave it looking more like this:
As you can see, it makes it easier to know that this is all one paragraph of speech, were it a novel. In stories/books you don't start each new sentence of speech with speech marks, so I don't see why it should be any different for poetry. I've also removed the commas at the end of each line, especially as you don't need them after question marks. If you have any questions about that feel free to swing by my wall!
Again, with the speech stanzas:
This is how I imagine it should look if the second line is spoken by the boy. If not, well then you have some tweaking to do.
Overall, this was good; especially for your first try! Just don't overuse commas and make sure to have a quick read through before posting to check it makes sense. I'll look out for your work in future.
Icy.
Hey Lorna!
This is a really good poem for beginners but I have to also say that it was confusing. :S
Cookie's here to interview! :O
I see you've observed really well.
Some parts were not really cleared and left me thinking.
The blue markings are your mistakes and the red are the corrections. =D
You have to careful of the "says/said" and "asks/asked".
That is important for a poem. ^^
I found this stanza REALLY confusing. >.<
Who is talking here, actually? The mother and son or, the son only or the mother only?
Now, this is a stanza I really loved!
It shows complete sense and is described beautifully. :')
I think you should mention who all are speaking because then only we know the correct meaning of the poem.
There you go! Other than that, I find no more mistakes! ;D
A well done poem but a few mistakes which can be taken care next time you write.
Overall: Since this is your first piece, I shall give this a 8/10. <3
Keep writing & Never give up!
Cheers,
Cookie