Hello there fellow writers,
I realise that it's been a while since my last entry so I have decided to post a poem that a made a couple months back called "Crying because I can..." It was created from my own emotions ... when I was going through a very depressed stage in my life... I'm sure we can all relate! ;3
Lorna
Xxx
I walk down the dark grey path,
Waiting for the rain to appear,
Slowly getting trapped by wrath,
Trying not to shed a tear,
I listen to all the sad songs,
Drowning in the deep depression,
Not sure where my heart belongs,
Crying is my sad obsession,
I fake a smile when I'm not alone,
Pretending that I'm cheerful,
I can be myself when I'm at home,
Alone , shy and tearful,
I'm crying because I can,
Washing out the pain,
Where it all began,
I'm the one to blame.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Wow, that's really meaningful. I loved your use of metaphors and analogies. However, I might add that your use of vocabulary could have been a bit broader. I noticed you used words like "getting", or "sad", which is fine, but there is always room for improvement. If I had to point out another critique, it would be the rhyming. Also, the rhythm was a little out of coordination at times, so the poem did not flow quite as well as it could have. Otherwise, this is a great poem! Really thought-provoking...
You're very good at rhyming without it being forced and keeping a uniform structure. But it's poems as artfully constructed as these that make you want to know more. By the end of the poem, we are emotionally(at least most of the readers) attached to the speaker. What made them so sad? It doesn't have to be specific, maybe some abstract hinting for a stanza or two.
In this second stanza, it skips from the speaker walking down a dark street to the speaker listening to music. A lot of poems skip around like this, but it seems like the first line seems a bit...forced? For lack of a better word. This stanza has a LOT of dark emotion in it. Emotion that can't be expressed in four verses. Describe the emotion more; take us deeper into what you're feeling. You're giving us short sentences that are only part of the entire stanza. Expand on this a little more.
I just wanted to look at this line for a minute. Crying is something people usually do when they're sad/upset. When you put sad in this line, it's a bit repetitive. Maybe change it to something that consumes you at the moment? Be more vivid(again, lack of a better word) in your descriptions.
1st comma - make sure you don't put a space between the word and the comma when the word is before the comma.
2nd comma - When you are listing three or more things, you use one less comma than there are words. The last comma in the list of words would be before the word and.
Great point back to the title! Appropriately placed, well done.
It might sound better if you put from before where. So that it would look like:
Washing out the pain,
#BF0000 ">From where it all began
Two things I want to say about this line. It's clear that you think your sorrow is self-inflicted. However, it seems to break the flow of the poem, especially since this is the last line. Maybe add another line about your realization about this.
Another thing that I noticed is that after every verse, you have a comma and your first and last period is after the very last verse. Mix in some punctuation; semicolons, exclamation points, periods, etc. Play with the variety a little. The uniform way you write your poems are very astounding. I am very incapable of doing that. Though, some people have one type of uniformity in their poems; either the line count, line length, rhyme scheme, etc. Even though this poem you wrote is very amazing, I encourage your to play more with structure, punctuation, and rhyme variety in some of your future poems!
I enjoyed reading this poem, as well as your others. If you have any questions over anything I've written about here, feel free to message me with your questions! You did a marvelous job! It just seems a bit stiff. Keep up the good work! I expect more from you. :]
This fits well with everyone at some point, but this fits me right now. My favorite part is:
This is my favorite part because of how music influences everyone. Listening to all the sad songs is a way that, I think, is a way that we allow our selves to share when talking isn't enough.
The last line: Struck a note in me, because I know that what makes me tearful is my fault.
Thank you for the poem,
Deathcurrent