Hello everyone,
I made this poem during the 2 minute silence in my science class... It's a short and to the point kind of poem.... And I already know how bland it is .... But I think it gets my message across fine enough ...
Lorna
xx
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141,399 Literary Works • 674,387 Reviews
Hai There Lorna=) Um I Love Your Perfect Timing Because Todays Remmorance day And The Way You Describe The War And Every Detail Is Fantastic,Really Drawed Me In !! Well Done !
Keepp Up The Writing ;D xoxox
-Siann:)
Wow. I love your style and the message that you send here! It's a great way of showing your opinion about violence and war! Just like the other reviewers, I am going to have to point out a minor detail or two. After quite a few of your lines, you place the comma after a space instead of just right next to the word. It's probably just a small mistake, so, that's fine!
Other than that, I absolutely love your writing! Keep it up Lorny! 
Hai Lorny dear!! =)
Woot! Second to review XD Okay so I just want to say that this was a good poem and indeed short and straight to the point. And I kind of like those. I have trouble staying concentrated when reading very long poems XD
So it was simple and nice.
There's a good imagery behind it, and this poem shows that you don't have to write something with a lot of very complicated words to make it sound good. There's a great rhyme in it too (and I'm totally jealous of that, because I always fail at that point XD).
And here are a few nitpicks:
There's a space between the last word and the comma.
Same thing here, remove the space in front of the comma. =)
And same thing here =)
Okay so those were my nitpicks! You should also go fix the grammatical errors who polinka pointed out and this write will be even more awesome! =D
Hope this helped a little.
Keep writing!
-qaralynn-
Hey Lorna
- to shout, I think. Also, this line seems shorter than the other ones, it breaks the flow. Add another description into that line, and it'll be great!Here as requested!
Well, I love this poem. It is indeed short, but carries a lot of emotions across. Here's some nitpicks:
- great line.
- the first bullet flies.
- ummm.. not dies, dying is better, or falling, he dies. Lying he dies doesn't sound too good.
- I love the last verse. Amazing. Although 'mass murder' could be replaced by something more metaphorical.
Otherwise, I love it, you carried emotions well, and you can always expand on this poem if you wanted to.
Very strong emotions in here. Well done.
I hope the souls of those who died rest in peace.
Keep writing.
polly xx