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Young Writers Society



Minute

by Lonely


Some people say,

Life is too long.

Maybe they're right, 

But I think they're wrong.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A minute is minute,

And this might be our last.

We don't know what will happen,

We only know of our pasts.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We're all in grave danger,

As we head to our grave.

We can't waste our time,

Being society's slaves.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So go out and live life,

You might not be here the next minute.

Always remember that,

The possibilities are infinite.

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130 Reviews

Points: 2109
Reviews: 130

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Sun Jul 13, 2014 4:23 pm
ScarletDreams14 wrote a review...



Hey there! Scarlet here for a review!


I liked this poem but i did notice a few structure and punctual problems.


Life is too long.


Life shouldn't be capitalized after that comma, unless it's the starting of a new sentence or a title, place, person. It shouldn't be capitalized.


But I think they're wrong.


Same here, B in but shouldn't be capitalized.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We're all in grave danger,

As we head to our grave.


These two lines sound odd, the way you use gave in both throws the flow of the poem off.


Always remember that,

The possibilities are infinite.



The ending also throws the flow of this poem off tremendously. I suggest reading it over and fixing the flow.


Other than that it's a good poem, I give you... 6/10

Great job! Keep writing!


Image


With love, Scarlet; Scout of the Sycamore Cabin




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5 Reviews

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Reviews: 5

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Sun Jul 13, 2014 3:11 am
nickstark195 wrote a review...



Hey,

Great poem!
It does a good job clearly expressing the moral and fills it's purpose of calling urgency to live life. I love how the last rhyme is "minute" and "Infinite". It takes a fairly small thing, a minute - a mere sixty seconds, and puts it together with the biggest big thing, infinite - everything. Good work! :D

Sincerely,
Nicholas L. Stark (")>




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73 Reviews

Points: 26
Reviews: 73

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Sat Jul 12, 2014 9:15 pm
Authorian wrote a review...



Wow.
This is the kind of poem that you read at a break neck pace. Then you finish, sit back, and consider what you just read, and you're just like 'wow'.
I must say, I want to read this later. Again and again. It has a wonderfull message, and you're one of the few people who can do proper grammar on poems. Nice message, beautiful narration, functional but not forced rhymes.

I definitely give it a 8.9/10

I'll read more of your poems in the future!

Authorian.




Lonely says...


Thank you for your review! I'm glad that you liked it (personally I could care less for this piece). :P



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184 Reviews

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Reviews: 184

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Sat Jul 12, 2014 4:36 pm
RoyalHighness wrote a review...



RoyalHighness has arrived to review!
First off, welcome to YWS!
Whoa, great poem! I love the rhyme scheme, and especially that last rhyme... I would never have thought to rhyme "minute," to "infinite"!


Nitpicks!

Spoiler! :
Some people say,

Life isn't very long.


We're all in grave danger,

As we head to our grave.

We can't waste our time,

Being society's slaves.


Always remember that,

The possibilities are infinite.


In each of these lines/stanzas, you do not need those commas. They're a little distracting and they don't make sense in a lot of cases. Don't be afraid to leave your lines without punctuation! It's okay, it's allowed. But don't add commas where they're not needed, or they can break up your flow.


Content
Spoiler! :
Great poem you have here! I love the overall message you're sending; I'm a big believer in the YOLO concept (even though I detest the over usage of the acronym now.)
The only problem is that you contradict yourself. In the beginning, you say that you don't agree that life "isn't very long," but then the entire poem is about making sure you live every minute to the fullest because there aren't very many minutes in your life and you can't waste your life on stupid things. It's a little oxymoronic... Maybe you could fix up that first stanza? I mean, the rhyme scheme is great and everything, but I think a big part of your message is lost when you contradict yourself like that.
Maybe I'm reading into the meaning of the first stanza too much, but that was my interpretation.
For next time, I'd just work on being okay with letting go of the traditional punctuation rules, and with connecting the stanzas a little better with some more transitions or an underlying theme. I know the theme here is supposed to be living your life to the fullest and all, but that first stanza really speaks to something completely different.
Just a thought.


Conclusion
Overall, this poem was pretty well-written, but I think you can do better! In fact, I know you can do better. So I'll give your poem six stars out of ten, but I want to see more from you! Keep writing, you have a real gift for poetry. :D




Lonely says...


...Oopsie! I messed up that first stanza by putting isn't... Thank you for pointing that out!



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122 Reviews

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Sat Jul 12, 2014 4:35 pm
ccwritingrainbow wrote a review...



I love the rhythm of this poem. It works very well. As I'm reading this, it reminds me of one song I know from a video game called Sonic the Hedgehog or better known as Sonic 06, best known as one of the worst games in the world. The gameplay might suck for it, but I love the soundtrack. I'm guessing that the Sega company put all the money into the first cutscene and the soundtrack, but not the gameplay whatsoever. Anyway, enough ranting about video games, back to the poem. Even though the story of the poem is that we aren't going to live that long, the way you wrote it made it sweeter than first thought. I hope I get to rid more of your stuff because I really like your work.




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Sat Jul 12, 2014 3:49 pm
donizback wrote a review...



Hello Lonely. Welcome to YWS and I am sure you aren't lonely anymore!

Tell you what, after about 6-8 days of constantly reviewing so many works; today I found a work which really makes me feel great. Something which I say in my essays and poems.

A half-rhyme, perfect sized poem; what else is better to see from a newbie here. It is a great attempt dude.

The first stanza was great but I have to say that usually a writer shouldn't say that he is against the world's view! Just makes a negative impact on the reader (If you know what I mean)

I completely failed to understand the third stanza. It wasn't in line with the first two. I have to admit that the first two were superb but the third one was shaky.

The ending could have been much much better than what it is now. Having said that, it isn't bad but just that there always are areas of improvement.

Anyway, it is a great attempt. I am inspired by your first two stanzas and guess what, I might be writing something related to it in my upcoming works :)

All the best in your future writing. Hope to see your work.

Have a great day.




Lonely says...


Hello! I shall now explain... The third stanza was to show that we dont have very long before we die, so we shouldn't be forming ourselves to society's standards. Thank you for your review though!




Stop being mean to your self-insert character, you're just being mean to yourself.
— WeepingWisteria