Young Writers Society

l|ll|barcode wishl|ll|sonatal|ll|

by Liminality, Seirre, lliyah, starlitmind

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Is this a review?



User avatar
522 Reviews

Points: 18486
Reviews: 522

Sun Jan 31, 2021 7:52 pm
View Likes
Lavvie wrote a review...

...interesting <- this is 100% my initial reaction to seeing this and trying to decipher what is going. Only after struggling through the image did I find the text Liminality had posted and I wish I had seen it earlier because it would have made my life so much easier, lol.

I want to be a fair reviewer and I have to admit that I am struggling to enjoy it beyond the first seven lines (ending in "robotic softness"). These first seven lines are beautiful in how striking they are and they capture the abstractness in the words themselves. And I think that's why the rest of the poem seems to fall away... while I am all for experimentation, I think when it begins to hinders the reader's ability to physically read the piece and/or understand what is going on, the poet(s) have not succeeded in their ultimate goal which, in my opinion (you may disagree), is to connect with the reader or share some sort of experience. The format and structure of the poem have heavily impeded the poets' abilities to do this and the reader's ability to understand.

This is certainly a commendable effort in creativity, but I doubt its overall success. I would instead encourage you all to focus on the strong words and images in the first seven lines and discover how the words themselves are artistic and can convey the abstract brightness you have physically presented. Because, as I sort of mentioned earlier, these first seven lines are always 80% of the way there. Sometimes less is more, to be cliche :)

Thanks for a rebellious read,

User avatar
1333 Reviews

Points: 25775
Reviews: 1333

Sun Jan 31, 2021 2:48 am
View Likes
Hannah wrote a review...

do robots c color
do they know suns
shine thru nights
only we don't @ em

This is my favorite part. I love the palette, and I love how in the last line, you have mixed together the colors from the previous ribbons, so it feels like some of the last pink ribbon is leaking out, but beyond the form, those lines are what I love about this piece of work.

I am not sure if you had a different intention, but to me it feels like we as humans are aware of this beautiful process of day overcoming night, and we are also able to understand that it happens every day, but here we are wondering if robots are able to know, beyond sensing and identifying color, do they see it, and beyond storing the concept of a day and night, are they able to feel the underlying hope and the necessity of a sun always coming through the night, always being daytime somewhere. We are all over the world, on all sides, and robots are too, but can they sense the overwhelming connectedness of that?

But the reason this section sticks with me is because of the line "we don't @ em". Which works well with the mention of sun (so it feels like up and at 'em in the morning), but MORE wonderfully feels like we didn't think to TELL the robots about these important truths, we didn't @ them on some kind of social media, we are in our own social media world, as if robots are just someone we don't really talk to.

I hope these thoughts of how I have read the work make sense. If you enjoyed that section as much as I did, I would consider reworking the end of the poem to include this relationship more at the forefront as well.

Hopefully some of these thoughts were helpful to you!
If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to message me.


User avatar
33 Reviews

Points: 1579
Reviews: 33

Sun Jan 31, 2021 1:04 am
ChesTacos says...

contemplations of what intelligent life reveals about color theory; in light of linguistic dissonance .

You had me at well actually you never had me can you please say this in english XD

User avatar
1232 Reviews

Points: 119938
Reviews: 1232

Sat Jan 30, 2021 2:05 pm
View Likes
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...

Hi Liminality,

wow, that was a pretty cool text. The idea is well-thought and unique. I´ve never seen or read anything like this before. I like how the text changes after a while to appreviations, numbers, and stuffs. As if the text came from a machine or represented a computer language.

Even if it is a little bit hard to read at first glance, I get the idea behind it.

A well-done text, with a deeper meaning behind it. It is precisely this uniqueness that I like about your story, the interpretation and how it is presented. Hope to see more like this.

User avatar
436 Reviews

Points: 20440
Reviews: 436

Sat Jan 30, 2021 4:42 am
View Likes
Liminality says...

Transcript if you need it! Though I’d encourage trying to read the pic if you can.

Spoiler! :

I see chaoscolours
thoughts muddled
ribbons knotted
in balls of yarn
robotic softness
do robots c color
do they know suns
shine thru nights
only we dont @ em
unproductive hope
count ur wishes
before they hatch
b4 404s scramble
recalibrate brain
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2
wut do u rly want
?????? idk ????? lol

Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything's different?
— C.S. Lewis